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Holy


What a beautiful Sunset.

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Jul
25th
2020

The Impending Rain · 8:40pm July 25th

Things have gotten better. I have to remind myself of that sometimes. At the edge of each day there's always a reason to find misery. There will always be something prodding at your mind to try to remind you to despair. Giving in to focus on it is incredibly easy, especially on the harder days. Today is one of those days.


I do my best to be a pillar of strength for those around me. I've been lucky enough to stumble upon the right combination of habits and actions that have led me away from the depression that's plagued me for the past five years and I want to try to impart support on those that have supported me through difficult times. I know most days now I can endure and see the positive past my own problems, but if you've ever had depression, you know it never really goes away. The darkness hides in the corner, waiting to consume you in a moment of weakness. Some days it's harder to fight off than others.

The world isn't the calmest place right now. I've done my best to keep politics away from this profile for the sake of the mental health of my readers and to ensure my stories stand on their own outside of my opinions, and I intend to keep it that way, but there's no denying the strife afflicting the fandom and the world at large right now. It rains down on us as a stress that can spoil better days if we let it, and a tension that only adds to the harder days of our lives. This place holds a lot of value in my life, and recent events haven't been pleasant to watch. Or maybe I'm just paying too much attention. That is to say, some days it's easier to falter on the positives as it seems there are less and less of them to hold onto. Today is pretty hard as it is and I'm having a harder time than I thought I would.

Today is my old best friend's birthday. If he hadn't committed suicide in 2018, he would've been 27 today. The uncomfortable emptiness of this day is something I don't ever think I'll be able to overcome. There's a void in the world that he used to fill. There were smiles and happiness and jokes and laughter on this day where we'd all celebrate. It's a hard thing to accept that none of that will ever happen again for him, that I'll never be able to buy him some silly t-shirt to wear for the day or hear his voice rattling off our inside jokes to confuse everyone else. Forever and never aren't words that we can really put into perspective until something like this, I think. Gone has a different connotation as the only remnants of someone's entire existence survives through memories and the little things they've left behind.

I don't think this date will ever not be difficult. I don't think this pain will ever manage to completely go away. I know to progress past this I'll have to forgive myself for his death, but even if that's possible I don't think this pain will ever go away. Maybe it shouldn't. I do my best for my friends if I can because I don't want to see this happen again. I'll never be perfect, but we always have to try to do better, don't we? I'd like to think so, even if the temptation to give up entirely is so tantalizing on darker days like this.

I had a story I wanted to put out today. It isn't done, but I'm still working on it. It's about the little things—the objects we leave behind when we're gone. All I have left in this world of him are the little things that held meaning in his life: an Iron Giant poster he put a Superman sticker on, a knife he gave me for my birthday one year, a Spiderman hat he left when he was hanging out one day and I never ended up giving back, a copy of Onimusha 3 on the ps2 we used to play all the time, among so many more...

Those things aren't special to anyone else. When I die they'll just be things to others. Without me, they're meaningless pieces of fabric and metal and plastic that can be thrown away or sold off to be used as they were intended. I can't think of something more depressing than that today, that these things, that have been imbued with so much meaning that they're more than just material possessions now, that they'd lose all the little memories attached to them and go back to being just meaningless objects. Maybe I'm being a sentimental fool, but I think half of the value of these possessions should be in the story behind them, the events that gave them life and meaning, the little moments that attached a memory. When the person that you made them with is gone, it can be one of the few anchors to their memory you have left in this world. I know I'll always cherish them forever no matter what regardless.

Hopefully I'll have that story out soon to honor his memory. The title is going to be Trinkets if you want to look out for it.

I'd like to do something to honor him and this sentiment, I think. In the comments, tell me about an object you hold dear that has that kind of meaning for you. It can be from someone who's no longer with us, or even something from someone still here that you'd know you'd cherish if they died. It'd brighten my day a little to see those stories preserved somehow, even if it is just a random blog on a pony fiction site. Thank you in advance if you do decide to share.

It's raining right now. The light is gone and the pools of sadness form around us on these dark days. As hopeless as it can seem, we should do our best to remember that behind the torrent of water and thunder seizing our world that the sun is still there waiting for us when this is all done. We'll see the light again, and we'll always have our memories of its warmth through it all. That's hard for even me to remember some days.

Happy Birthday, Lee. I'm sorry I wasn't there.

(His favorite song)

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Comments ( 31 )

I have a trinket from one of my uncles. A velociraptor keychain. It was Blue from Jurassic World. He isn't gone but.... I cherish it because he's a really good man and someone that I highly respect and hope to see more of. He's my Aunt's latest husband and a far better man then the last one was. I'm just glad to have him as an uncle because of how much he brightens up a room.

I don’t think it’s foolish to be sentimental, and especially not when he was such a dear friend to you. The things we keep say a lot about us and what we enjoyed. Also, do you think you could reach out to his family? I’m sure that his birthday is a lonely time for them too, and having someone reach out on it would make the day easier.

As for my sentimental objects: ponies were always an important part before my transition. I kept all my G3/G1 thrift ponies neatly packed away because they mean so much to me. I didn’t keep much from before my transition, and what I wanted to/could bear to I have just n safekeeping and am very protective of. But ponies were one of those things. I can still remember most of the occasions I got them on too.

Sometimes it’s okay to feel pain because it can act as a piece of him that is still with you, also the way you talk about how the items would be meaningless when you die reminds me of a scene in attack on titan where Mikasa finds a reason to live for the memory of Eran Jaeger.

And as wise man once said “There is no death only the force”

Holy #5 · July 25th · · ·

5321607
His mother is a big reason he was considering suicide in the first place. He had a lot of siblings and half-siblings because of the way she lived, but he told me many times how he felt they never really cared about him. He spent a lot of time with them in the final years of his life and ended up moving away to be back here with us instead. I have absolutely no interest in talking with his abusive mother ever again after all this tbh. His biological father is dead and so is his adoptive father as well. His adoptive father was actually my grandpa, so my best friend was technically my uncle and in a way I'm kind of the only family he had left around here, unfortunately. It's honestly one of the worst parts about all this because I know I'm probably going to be the only one that values his memory this much.

5321622
My apologies, then. I wasn’t aware of the full extent of the situation.

Holy #7 · July 25th · · ·

5321630
Don't worry about it. The entire thing was messy regardless.

I think it's the opposite of foolish to treasure objects that have a story to them. It's true that without a story, everything is pretty soulless and meaningless. Just like how people, other than their stories, are just bags of flesh and bone tied together for what is essentially a meaningless amount of time in the universe. But we all have meaning because of our stories, so why not extend that principle to inanimate objects?

As for me, I have this clay airplane mold that I painted on with an old friend the last time I ever met her when I was still just a kid. I hadn't thought about it in a while since it's at the bottom shelf of my bookshelf behind a box, but it was nice being reminded of it, picking it up again and thinking about all the good times I had with her. Without those memories, it's just a badly painted airplane, but it has meaning to me and that makes it special.

I like to hear the stories of how objects -these things that can in ways be considered immutable- are a part of living memory, as if it can give the sense that the past isn't just all in our heads.
For my great aunt and uncle I made a painting of the disintegrating dock near their house, and my great uncle had it framed and wrote a poem on its back about the old bare piers being like soldiers standing guard on the beaches for all the decades they have existed and will exist for. I don't have this painting; my great uncle died last year, my great aunt has had to be moved to a retirement home, and I may never see the piece again because of how far away they lived, but it meant a lot to me that he shared this artistic ability that I didn't know he had. I am being sentimental, especially when I never possessed this completed piece, but I feel a sad beauty about that poem and painting, depicting the decay of a structure that was once so important to the community, just as my great aunt and uncle by age alone dwindled away.

I have a bionicle set from 2008 that was exclusively sold in the us (I'm European), that my friend bought me when he just so happened to be on vacation to the states that summer. He even called me and asked if it was the right one (I collected bionicles). We have been friends since so far back that I no longer remember how we first met. However, we have gradually drifted apart. Why? He has a... Temperament, he is proud to the point of arrogance, and we no longer have the same taste in everything from games to music. We still have the same humor though, but it is just so frustrating to be with him now a days! We still see each other from time to time, we have the same group of friends, but it is never for very long and never just the two of us. I miss him some days, back when things were simpler.

That bionicle set still stands proudly on top of my bookcase.

Between you and me Holy, it really upsets me that people don’t understand why other people hold small values so close to their hearts. Especially if those items were given to them by the ones they love that they lost for some reason. I know that it’s not really their fault they can’t comprehend it, but it still aggravates me that people shame others for holding onto things that, to them at least, don’t mean anything at all. Growing out of something is one thing, but treating something like treasure, especially those that were given to you by a loved one is another thing entirely. It makes that item all the more valuable to that person if the one who has given it to them is no longer there with them, at least to me.

I think that it’s very sweet that you are holding onto the items that remind you of your friend Holy. If it’s any consolation, I am very positive that your friend is happy that you have what he used to have and what he gave you, and that he’s glad you hadn’t forgotten him. I hope you’ll be able to treasure those valuables for as long as you can until the day comes when you see your friend again, because you deserve them and so much more:heart:. I’m sorry that you had to lose him in such a way; especially given what he’s going through. And if you ever need to talk my ears are always pricked:heart:.

I still keep all the old keyrings I got as gifts from former friends on my keyring collection, knowing that some of those people hate me now, and still others I have let down. It still means something to me that at some point, another person deemed me worthy and important enough to bestow me with a gift that has accompanied me on travels to wherever else I ended up.

A time like this may always be difficult, but good on you for trying to find the positive in such a heartbreaking situation. I can only begin to imagine how hard it is to try to stay strong despite all the looming despair.

And thank you for so dearly preserving the memory of your friend; I think he would appreciate it.

Happy birthday to Lee. :heart:

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and thank you for sharing.

*hug* just keep on keeping on

Comment posted by CosmiclordChris deleted July 25th

I hope he has found peace

My uncle, when I was young gave me a mecha-godzilla figure that was extremely expensive by the time I got it. I will never sell it no matter how much its worth because its important to me and my childhood. I hope you're doing well and continue to do so.

I have a stuffed orca whale that my mother had given me for my 3rd Christmas. I still have it and will treasure it always.

as long as you treasure your friends memory, then he'll never be gone fully

I have a small music box (Singin in the Rain) that my girlfriend at the time gave me for my birthday. Since then, we've broken up, fought, stopped talking, started talking again, come out to ourselves, each other, and the world as transgender, and gotten back together. Through all that, there's been a lot of things I don't think I would have made it through, had that music box not been there to remind me to stay hopeful.

I'm sure your friend appreciates you for keeping his memory alive in your heart.

I have a lion ring my grandma gave me because we're both leo. It's too small for me to wear now so I keep it on a chain.

Holy.
Words cannot express the sympathy and empathy I feel for you right now.
But just know that as long as you keep him in your heart.
He will never truly be gone.
On that note, happy birthday to Lee.
And may his spirit now and forever.
Requiescat in Pace.

I can't say I know you or your friend at all, but as someone who's had similar thoughts at times, I don't think he would want you to blame yourself.

Sorry if that comes off as insensitive or disingenuous.

I'm very sorry you lost your friend. That's just one of the saddest things that can happen, but you keeping his memory alive and thinking on all the good times you two shared, not to mention holding on to those things from him that you value...all of that honors him in a way nothing else can....just as writing a simple poem for my uncle in 2014 after we lost him to suicide was my way to honor him for all the encouragement he gave me to follow my passion.

Just know you are not alone and that you are doing the right things to honor his memory. Hold on to that...and if you ever desire to talk i am always happy to listen. Feel free to message me.

I have a doll actually handmade for me by my mother that I have had since i was three years old. Its been nearly 24 years, and that doll still sits in my room today. Mom is not gone yet, but i cherish that doll as it was made with all the love she could put into it, and i will hang onto it for years to come.

I'm really sorry that things went that way for your friend and I know that you've probably heard it before but it's not your fault. I'm not very good at establishing connections to people much less items but I do have friends I cherish deeply. I've had to talk a friend down over the phone while he was wasted and listening to his parents fight in the background and that one event means a lot to me because I was able to make a difference for once in my life. Again I'm sorry that things happened as they did and I hope that your pain eases over time.

Hey Holy, My condolences and sympathy over the loss of your friend Lee. I know how hard it is to lose someone, regardless of how long it’s been. Not too long ago, I actually lost my grandmother and the worst part is due to the pandemic going on, I wasn’t able to be at the funeral.

I know the situation was very different with what your went through, but the pain is almost identical and it saddens me. If you want to chat or just need a shoulder to lean on that consider relate, just let me know and I’ll be there for you regardless if I’m at work or hanging out with friends online.

I have my grandfather's letter opener. I am grateful for such trinkets, because they can help me remember things about those that have ment something to me. (I have trouble remembering things since I have memory issues).

Virtual hugs bro. It really sucks losing people, just keep all the happy memories alive and keep pushing on. As always, one day at a time.

I can't wait for your story to come out Holly and I hope this comment section brings some much needed joy into your life.
As for trinkets I have a copy of Shonen Jump me and my best childhood friend got together. We were excited because it had a very tense fight scene from Shaman King and we couldn't wait to see what happened next. We talked about the book for hours while playing Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask and what we thought the future might hold for the series. We both had a passion for Magic, DnD, Anime, video games and more that I'm sure I have forgotten over the years. He was as close as family to me for most of my childhood and the best friend a kid could ask for. I miss him but every time I see that cover I can't help but smile and be reminded of all the good times we had. It holds a special place on my bookcase and even if the pages fade in the future the memories it holds never will.

My best friend for the better part of 2016 inspired me to get a ukulele. It's not a fancy one--maybe $30 at target, cheap plastic strings, nothing particularly special about it--but I have so many memories tied to that little thing. Asking her about strumming patterns, learning to play my first basic four-chord song, picking up melodies from our favorite cartoon, stuff like that. There's something special about music that really connects people.

By the end of 2016, we weren't really friends anymore. My rampant, obsessive, constantly-edging-on-suicidal BPD saw to that, or rather my constant unwillingness to seek treatment for it. She had to leave for the sake of her own life and mental health, and it wasn't long after that I had my second attempt and wound up in inpatient treatment (which I want to be clear, that was my decision and she bears absolutely zero blame for it).

I got to take that ukulele along with me to inpatient, and spent a lot of time huddled against the window in my room, trying to coax out the songs we used to sing in the car. Even though I've not spoken to the person who made me want to play it in almost four years now, I still love it all the same. There were genuinely good memories we shared, truly special moments of friendship that I wish I'd been able to see and value more at the time. Playing my uke brings me back to that feeling, when I first found someone who really saw me, really understood me even better than I did myself.

I wonder where she is right now, what she's doing. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's incredible. She was always so talented, so driven. Part of me really does want to try reaching out again, but I think she'd prefer I don't. To be honest, I was a really horrible friend back then, and as much as I've grown since then--and as much as I'd like her to be part of my life again--I don't think it's fair to her to dredge back up all the pain and struggle I put her through. Of course I still miss her, but it's been so long, and I'm not even the same person I was in 2016. That person is unrecognizable, even to myself. So volatile, so desperate for any kind of attachment, so scared all the time...

At the very least, I hope she knows I'm okay now. I hope she knows I'm really proud of her, whatever she did and wherever she went. She was always the best between us.

But goddang it more than anything I wish I'd asked her to teach me more uke cuz I suck at that thing.

Such a sweet statement. I'm so happy you've come so far :pinkiehappy:. I can't wait to see this for you are going to write. R.I.P. to your friend and I hope he's in a better place now. I'm sure he'll be waiting for you once it's your time with open arms 🤗.

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