These dreams about a person I know keep occurring. I don't like talking about this subject at all, but it worries me. (Warning: vent post for getting it off my mind and trying to feel better about it, which I don't.)

I probably have mentioned it before, and it is a topic I purposely avoid for certain reasons, but I do have dreams. Not the kind I'd like, but ones that either rub me the wrong way or they rattle an emotion deep inside of me that I try to block out. These dreams aren't nightmares, full of scary things that'll make anybody scream and want to hide in their sheets, but rather the opposite. They stir up strong anxiety instead of true fear.

Somebody who I know, somebody who doesn't understand that the choices they made have set a very horrible path since they made said choices in the past against better judgement. It was the beginning in a chain of events that left a massive trail of hurt with shards yet to pick up. Every now and again, this person will pop up out of nowhere and start trouble over delusion, or some other petty excuse. I'm already uncomfortable writing about this, nevermind the actual situation when it happens. Although the last instance was quite some time ago (thank whomever above), the feeling in my head that this person will keep coming back and interfering with our lives, mine and the rest of my family's, is so strong that it's inevitable. These dreams are full of possible situations that get under my skin in such a bad way, enough to cause me stress.

When I was away in Tenerife, knowing how this individual is, I found it impossible to spend time with my own family and extended family and relax with them because I was so on edge about this person. Nobody but only three of us in my family, me included in those three, know what this person is like and understand what can and can't happen. I honestly was having gradual anxiety episodes on the ride back from the airport, expecting the front door of our house to be kicked in and stuff looted, or whatever.

No, I don't expect a single one of you to understand what it's like with that fear, knowing somebody who is supposed to be in good graces with you but simultaneously against you in some sense of the word. I'm honestly afraid to go outside the majority of the time over fear of seeing this person, but I know the likelihood of that is down at the moment, and I hope it stays that way for a long time or for good. I don't know what I'll do if I come into contact with the person again in future life (who am I kidding? Of course I will, it's bound to happen! ), but these dreams take place in situations where exactly that happens. Even though it's make-believe over a real-life anxiety factor, I am able to experience that angst like I'm there in the middle of it. I won't be responsible for my actions if such a situation did arise. I'm sure it will do eventually.

I don't even know why I'm writing about this and letting you all know why this is happening or what stupid thoughts are in my head. It's stupid to worry, but...I can't stop. A lifetime of dealing with this kelt puts that routine of hell in your life, but you don't know when it will happen until it happens. It's unavoidable and now that I'm older, I understand it much more. It never gave me anxiety for those reasons, but with the knowledge I have on-hand about it gives me anxiety to the point where thinking about it makes me timid about if it happens again, what it will entail and what will be said in the high probability of a whole lot of yelling. That's how it usually ends.

I would prefer it to end completely, but we all know it won't. Not as long as the other one is still breathing. It's such a messed up situation still bothering my family to this day. Part of the reason I'm the way I am today, never going easy on me or my family as years progressed. So, thanks for that. (Heavy sarcasm)

Just...ugh. Shut up.

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I don't even know why I thought it'd be a good idea to write this blog. Like talking has ever helped any situation. I guess I did it to see if it would get it off my mind, but tough luck, I'm afraid. Didn't work. (What else is new?)

Comments

[Final fantasy forever]

That sounds like a terrible predicament. I know how anxiety can stop you from enjoying even the simple basic things