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Akula966


The Demon Lord of the Changelings, Lover of Queen Chrysalis and Protector of Chrysalis' Hive

More Blog Posts51

  • Today
    Back to the roots

    Hello, once more, you handsome bronies and beautiful pegasisters! Akula966 here with a new announcement.

    If any of you remember, my original story on this site, Ace Combat: UPEO Squadron was cancelled by me a while ago, when I lost motivation to continue the story. Well, I'm pleased to announce that I am returning to my roots and continuing Ace Combat.

    Read More

    0 comments · 7 views
  • 1 week
    Public Participation

    Hello, everypony. I have an idea I wish to share with you concerning the German GP in my F1 story. If you remember, the Mercedes team ran a special livery to commemorate their 125th Anniversary at the German GP of 2019. The nose of the W10 cars were made white and soon tore away into the current Mercedes livery, which was a reference to the (not entirely true) story of how Mercedes cars had to

    Read More

    34 comments · 59 views
  • 1 week
    Well... #3

    I just figured out Spitfire's embarrassing nickname!

    6 comments · 44 views
  • 1 week
    F1 Equestria: Duels of the Century 2020 Season changes...

    Hello, fellow autosport fans! Akula966 here! Now, some of you know about the currently ongoing 2020 Formula One Season going on and I though that, what things would be different about the story, had I set it during the 2020 season? Well, let me tell you.

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    13 comments · 36 views
  • 2 weeks
    For those NASCAR fans that follow me...

    My good friend, RDgamer321, has just made an announcement for his story; NASCAR: The Equestrian Cup. Here's the link to the bio that explains everything:
    https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/915461/the-equestrian-cup-all-star-race

    Check it out if you're interested, fellow NASCAR fans!

    See ya!
    Akula966

    0 comments · 13 views
Jul
11th
2020

StorySins #1 · 3:44am July 11th

Everything Wrong With

Burnout Equestrian Paradise: "Ooh, a pretty portal!"

Spoiler Alert!

(No dur!)


Ponyville, Equestria
3 days ago...

It was a normal day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everypony in Ponyville were just going about their day. The Spa Ponies were giving massages and other spa treatments to stressed-out ponies, Rarity was busy making new designer clothes in the Carousel Boutique, Mr. and Mrs. Cake were baking delectable treats with Pinkie Pie at Sugarcube Corner, Fluttershy was busy taking care of her animals at her cottage, Applejack was busy with the apple harvest and Rainbow Dash was busy... napping.

Unnecessary description.

Sin Count: 1

But still, this is the story that launched me into the limelight and got me quite a few friendships, and that's an automatic 10 sin reduction!

Sin Count: -9


Meanwhile, Mayor Mare was trotting around town, seeing her town's sights for herself.

How many times would the Mayor do this in real-life? No-one sees the Mayor doing this!

Sin Count: -8


She let out a relaxing sigh, "What a beautiful day. I can't think of one thing that will ruin it,"

Then, as if on cue, a huge group of ponies rushed right by her, all heading for the town square.

Group of ponies rush by to punch Mayor Mare's words into her perfectly pedicured face

Sin Count: -7

Also, "animal stampede leading to something" cliche

Sin Count: -6


Once there, she saw a massive crowd had gathered around something near the Town Hall.

What is it with Town Hall attracting massive crowds at unnecessary times?

Sin Count: -5

Also, who's stopping this crowd from going into the portal that will be revealed later? And yeah, all you truthers out there will be saying that 'they're all afraid of approaching the portal" and you can kiss my changeling flank!

Sin Count: -4

Also, also, WHERE IS THE ROYAL GUARD??!!

Sin Count: -3


"Ok, everypony! Please back away from the portal! Everything is under control!" Mayor Mare ordered, trying to force the crowd backwards.

How does the Mayor expect to control the crowd by herself?

Sin Count: -2


"Oooh, a pretty portal!" An all-too-familiar voice exclaimed.

*sigh*

Sin Count: -1


Oh no. Mayor Mare thought, spotting a very familiar pink Earth pony mare with a cotton candy-like mane and tail bounding through the crowd.

The Mayor speaks for the readers. Possibly.

Sin Count: 0

Also, how is Pinkie able to bound through a crowd without hurting anypony?

Sin Count: 1


"TWILIGHT SPARKLE, EVERYPONY! CAN YOU COME HERE, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!"

This works.

Sin Count: 2


"Hey! Where's Twilight?" Pinkie asked, not seeing Twilight Sparkle in the group.

"Main character missing from the group" cliche

Sin Count: 3


"Oh, Pinkie. Darling. Don't you remember? She was called away by the Princess for some royal matters," Rarity stated, prompting a realizing 'OHHHHH!' from Pinkie.

Perfectly timed exposition. Perfexposition?

Sin Count: 4


"Well," Rainbow Dash started, a small grin visible on her face, "There's only one logical thing we can do..."

When Rainbow has a grin, you can tell that she is about to suggest something stupid and dangerous.

Sin Count: 5


Nopony then said anything, until Applejack spoke up. "Well, Ah' think that we should jus' take ah' peek at what's on the other side. I mean, Twilight would do the same for us,"

Without some Royal Guards? I think not.

Sin Count: 6


"Well I-I suppose we should do it, and yes, Applejack, Twilight would do it for us," Rarity admitted, "She was the one who went through the portal that led to the other world when Sunset Shimmer stole her crown. So, this is our chance to see for ourselves without Twilight to spoil it for us,"

I'm going to remove a sin for the EG reference, but IMMEDIATELY add 1 back for the stupid suggestion that such a smart mare would be in for a stupid plan. And add another sin for having the rest of the cast go along for this plan.

Sin Count: 7


"SPIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Was the sound of Twilight calling for the baby dragon's assistance. Spike, meanwhile, was 'busy' grabbing some gems from the castle's kitchen for his lunch, when he heard Twilight's booming voice calling for him.

Spike.

Sin Count: 8

Also, "Main character yells loud enough for people outside of castle can hear" cliche

Sin Count: 9

Also, also, "Character shown doing something unnecessary stops doing said thing and runs off to help other character" cliche

Sin Count: 10


But then, just as the words left her mouth, the purple dragon burped, and a scroll magically materialized from the belch, wrapped in a red silk ribbon and adorned with a golden seal. Spike ripped off the binding and read the message aloud:

Well, that was a quickly sent message. Does Celestia have Spike's location to send mail to Twilight on f****** SpeedDial or some s***?

Sin Count: 11


They didn't need to say it. Their friends were missing. Go find them!

It didn't need to be said here either.

Sin Count: 12


Twilight looked back at Spike and said, "Well, since it will take me a while to pack, we will go to this portal tomorrow morning," And with that, Spike left to pack his things for the all important portal trip tomorrow...

Geez, how much does Twilight need to pack for it to take a full day?

SIn Count: 13


"Wait, where is everypony?"

There was nopony outside. There was nopony in sight. Ponyville looked abandoned. Still, Twi and Spike proceeded towards Town Hall, trying to find any ponies on the way.

"I don't get it. Is there some sort of holiday going on today?" Spike asked.

"No. I checked the calendar before we left," Twilight answered.

"Did they smell me coming? Does my breath stink?" Spike asked, burping out green fire and smelling the smoke.

"You can rule that out already. I saw you eat a breath mint before we left, remember?" Twilight replied again.

Okay, it's moments like these that make this story such a goddamn unicorn. This might be an obvious reference to the episode where Zecora first appeared, but it's such a delightful little nugget that I have to remove a sin!

Sin Count: 12


Her glasses' lenses were cracked and her tie and collar were broken and covered in dirt. Mayor Mare herself was covered in bruises and scratches, and her mane elegant silver mane was disheveled and coated in dirt. A small line of dried blood, originating from her left nostril was visible on her face and she had a black right eye.

She looked like she had gotten run over by a stampede.

If Mayor Mare was able to send a letter after being run over by a town's worth of ponies, I'm impressed.

Sin Count: 13


The two just stared at her, mouths agape in shock. Why would the citizens of Ponyville do this?

Obvious question is obvious

Sin Count: 14


Spike then cracked his knuckles, got into a runner's starting position and shifted his feet along the ground. "Ready!" He replied.

Ooh, another reference! Another sin removed!

Sin Count: 13


Twilight had just started to open her eyes, as the bright light upon her entering of the portal was very bright, and if she had kept her eyes open, she would have gone blind. But, unlike her trip through the Mirror Portal, she didn't get dizzy, she just didn't want to be blinded.

Okay, I was being gentle, but now the references are getting out of hoof!

Sin Count: 14

In fact, if another reference shows up, it's an automatic 5 sin tax.

"Uh, Twilight?" Spike asked her, suspiciously.

CELESTIA, DAMNIT!!!

Sin Count: 19


Two short, stubby, purple, scaly legs. And on the end of them, two little feet. Twilight instinctively looked up and saw Spike's baby dragon face. And it caught her by surprise.

Akula's foot fetish

Sin Count: 20


"Something's wrong, Spike. It looks like were in the human world, but why are we still original forms?" Twi asked.

"Don't ask me! You're the magic expert!" Spike snapped at her.

Spike would be great at StorySins!

Sin Count: 21


As the Jansen rolled to a stop, the two watched it carefully, anticipating the driver to try and fillynap them, when the passenger-side window rolled down...

If Twilight and Spike are so concerned about the driver (who turns out to be Dash) kidnapping them, why aren't they running?!

Sin Count: 22


...to reveal Rainbow Dash, sitting at the wheel of the sports-car! She then stared at the dragon and the Alicorn for a long while, before breaking out into a huge smile.

What a coincidence!

Sin Count: 23


"NO!!!! No no no no no no no! We are not getting in!" Twilight shrieked, staring at Rainbow in utter shock and disbelief.

No.

Sin Count: 24


"Is the meeting point far? I don't want spend longer in here that I have too!" Twilight asked.

YET. ANOTHER. REFERENCE. F***.

Sin Count: 25


..."Welcome to Paradise!"

Roll Cred... Wait a minute.

Sin Count: 26


Sin Score: 26

Sentence: Run Over By Stampede

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Comments ( 17 )

5305717
Harsh Sentence.

5305723
Still, nice job, Pal.

5305726
Thanks, buddy.

Heh, nice job mate.

Heh. Kind of reminds me of cinima sins and charri5

5305728
No problem. Oh, next your time your on DeviantArt, look up friend, HopegamesSerenity.

5305733

5305734
Thanks, my friends!

5305737
No problem

Not bad. I like this format. Great job!

5306654
Thanks, but you have to give some credit to MlpHero. He came up with this idea in the first place.

5306656
No problem then. I'll give him the credits, and maybe ask him to do a storysin about a fic of mine.

5306830
Hmm, good idea.

"WECLOME TO PARADISE"
Where have I heard that before?

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