(HeroSins 1) Everything Wrong With: · 12:51am Jul 1st, 2020
The Bluest Fangs
This is a joke.
(Duh)
The egg hatchery. The coldest, darkest, and sometimes even most depressing part of the Hive.
Doesn’t sound like a good place for eggs.
Sin Count: 1
The small eggs were protected from the bad conditions by special silk webbing.
So I guess you want me to remove that last sin, well, I’m adding another because what that system fails? What’ll they do then?
Sin Count: 2
The small green eggs began shaking. Two Changelings walked into the small chamber. The one of which was the Queen herself. Chrysalis.
The writer says it as if we’re supposed to expect anyone else.
Sin Count: 3
The other, much younger Changeling was named Brokenwing. He was accompanying the Queen to help with the new hatchlings.
By logic, Brokenwing would be five. Not sure I’d trust him with fragile eggs.
Sin Count: 4
The two Changelings walked through the hatchery. “Mother,” Brokenwing said, “why are we here?”
The “I’m going to call you Mother instead of Queen cliché.
Sin Count: 5
Also, why didn’t she tell why they were coming in the first place?
Sin Count: 6
“You said you were going to help with the hatchlings.”
Why didn’t she tell him sooner?
Sin Count: 7
He nodded, “yes ma’am, but you seem a bit more excited than usual.”
She almost smiled. Brokenwing couldn’t believe it! The Queen of Changelings! Smiling?! The one who had survived long enough to see the Changeling-Pony War. The one who had to watch her sons die, only to sit in the same room with their killers just to sign the Equestria Rules and Laws of Warfare treaty? That wasn’t the Queen Brokenwing knew.
It’s not the one we know either. As far as we know, she’s as cold hearted as ice.
Sin Count: 8
Also, why did we need the information of ERLW Treaty? It’s never brought up again.
Sin Count: 9
“You see Brokenwing, I’ve made a failsafe in case I perish or am captured.” She showed his a special part of the hatchery. She opened a door that seem almost invisible, as if it were made to hide something. She motioned her hoof to it, “well? Take it a look.”
Brokenwing peeked into the room. There, on a small pedestal laid a small egg. Brokenwing was confused. Why would this one egg out of them all be given this form of treatment. “What is this, Mother?”
“My daughter.”
Ah, she has a daughter. I’m sure she’ll get the crown eventually. Right?
Sin Count: 10
She walked towards the egg and picked it up. “Inside this egg is the heir to the throne.” She stroked the top of the egg. “Come on Wing, let’s go get the others.”
So... why does Broken have an ironic nickname?
Sin Count: 11
And... Why does Chrysalis use it?
Sin Count: 12
And... why is it never brought up again?
Sin Count: 13
The two Changelings walked out off the room. “Just in time,” Brokenwing said. The eggs started rattling. The two moved towards the eggs. One-by-one the eggs started hatching. It wasn’t hard to get the Changelings out of the eggs, and counting them wasn’t a problem. The only problem was naming them. Some were easier than others.
The writer doesn’t use this to name of characters like Dagger, Mantis, and Stinger. They are the same age, and it would make sense.
Sin Count: 14
Then all the eggs hatched. All except one. Brokenwing walked over to the small egg. “Come on little guy. You can do it.”
The “Main character is last to leave” cliché
Sin Count: 15
Also, the “cut away before the important moment“ cliché.
Sin Count: 16
Chrysalis let down the last Changeling. “Alright Kydra. That’s the last one,” she said stroking the baby Changeling on her shoulder.
Chrysalis is talking as if Kydra’s gonna answer.
Sin Count: 17
Also, wouldn’t it make sense to have Kydra call Chrysalis “Mother”?
Sin Count: 18
“Mother! We got one more!”
She looked over her shoulder. Brokenwing was holding a small blue fanged Changeling.
“Hmm...” Chrysalis said, “what do you want to name him?”
Brokenwing looked down, “Blue Fang.”
Chrysalis doesn’t name Blue Fang
Sin Count: 19
Also, the “main character gets his name before it ends” cliché.
Sin Count: 20
Story Sin Tally: 20
Sentence: A week in the cold depressing hatchery
What’d you guys think? You want more?
Huh. Well, it was interesting
Y e s.
5298340
Heh, yeah.
5298341
Heh. So, I assume you wanna see more?
5298342
I would like to see more, it was interesting
5298347
Glad to hear!
5298348
Okay
5298344
I mean, just imagine how many sins MTCG would have.
5298351
Yeah, if you want to do more I'd be interested in seeing them
5298353
Hm... next blog, everything wrong with: [insert MTCG chapter]
5298355
Yeah, I’ll probably do some more
5298357
Cool
5298360
Heh, thanks
5298361
No prob
5298441
Ooh
What would this be?
FimSins?
FangSins?
StorySins?
ShortSins?
SinShorts?
HeroSins?
plMsniS?
5298469
Heh. Maybe HeroSins
5298469
5298475
My phone tried to correct my stupid so hard.
My phone was like: NO! Bad user! I auto correct you!
I was like: NO! Autocorrect not welcome when stupid is wanted.
Fins?
Fangs in?
Storyline?
Shortness?
My shorts?
Hero's sins?
Plus minus?
5298499
Heh, I know the feeling all too well
5298500
Then I was like: Comments just posted by I, I edit you because I can stupid more better that than!
5298503
Heh