An Explanation · 7:48am Jun 3rd, 2020
Well, it didn't take long for the comment section from my interview by the Royal Canterlot Library to turn into a shitshow, did it? And that's exactly why I didn't want to receive any public attention in the first place. Who's fault is that? Mine, obviously, because apparently I haven't owned up to the mistake that was on everyone's lips. So, why don't I just clear the air and stop beating around the bush?
I repeatedly cheated in several contests hosted by the Quills and Sofas Speedwriting group. In some instances, I knowingly violated the rules. In others, I was simply negligent of them. But the result was the same: I did something I shouldn't have. The most egregious of these offences came in the form of the A Worthy End contest, which I won with a story I had written before the rest of the group was supposed to start writing. I felt a little guilty about all of this, but the ends justified the means in my mind at the time. And although I was entitled to a prize, I didn't accept it -- not because I had a conscience, but because I didn't know what I'd do with it.
My actions were growing increasingly suspicious and obvious, and when I was confronted by one of the moderators, I confessed. I made a public apology on the Discord server as per his request, and offered to write a story for the runner-up and third place contestant in the Worthy End contest, including the fourth place contestant because I'd cheated them out of placement. The moderator assured me that this was a good thing of me to do.
The apology was taken down within the hour, however, by whom I do not know, and it was collectively decided by the moderatoring group that I would be banned from participating in any contests in the future. With the whole server knowing what I'd done, I soon realised just how badly I'd let my ego, my desire to win, get in the way of what I knew to be right, and left the group because I believed I wouldn't be welcome there ever again. I left other servers too, where I just couldn't stand being in the same non-physical space of someone I'd wronged; the guilt was overwhelming. Even servers that weren't affected -- any sign I wasn't welcome, I took to heart and left.
For the next month, I didn't want to talk to anyone, because I was terrified of what they'd think of me. I betrayed the trust of people whom I respected, for the sake of some vague sense of success. What petty excuse is that? Why would anyone want to associate with me after that? And I haven't felt good about myself since.
The only story I've posted since then, I tried channeling bad feelings into something constructive. It wasn't meant to be a public flogging, an apology -- it was clear someone didn't even want to hear that -- or any kind of attonement. Just a story I could vent with. And it didn't help at all.
I later found out through PresentPerfect two months after my lapse of judgement that another story of mine, Nothing Left to Lose, had been submitted to and would be accepted into the Royal Canterlot Library. At this point, I was finally starting to feel okay about myself, but I was hesitant of public attention. He, and I'm sure the other reviewers, knew of my transgression, but assured me that I hadn't done anything that would disqualify me, and that if I was genuinely sorry, then it couldn't be held against me.
Well, I wrote out the answers to the interview questions, and we all know what happened afterwards. I've already met with a psychologist, and I plan on meeting him again next week. There are more factors contributing to my depression, not least of which is how poorly I'm doing in my studies, but I just can't be creative anymore. I used to have fun writing, even when I was procrastinating, but now it's a slog to even edit something, let alone bring myself to write anything new.
So, if you're wondering why you haven't heard anything from me in a while, or why people were so uppity about me getting into the RCL, there you go. Maybe I'll keep writing, but it's clear to me that I won't be forgiven, and what I thought was an enjoyable hobby… isn't anymore. And I'm still waiting for an explanation on where someone heard I created ten different alts.
I'm sorry for all the grief I've caused, but I guess apologies don't count for much anymore.
Don't expect much of me from here on out.
I don't know what to say to this at this moment, I honestly don't. But I will come up with what I want to, and then we will talk. I hope you take care of yourself, and I'm still here for you.
I haven't heard any of this.
Damn I hop your ok
Take a breather, Freglz.
Thank you for the explanation; as I recall, all I knew of the affair was what I'd pieced together from those comments, which was the first I'd heard of it. For what it's worth, I don't bear any ill feelings towards you here that I'm aware of, though as I appear to have only found out about this, and possibly even encountered you at all (I don't recall when that was), after the fact, I'm not sure how much that helps.
Good luck with the difficulties you are facing.
It's good. Ya told the truth. I'm still gonna be here for ya
I mean, given that we've had entire episodes dedicated to the notions of forgiveness, second chances and making amends for acknowledged past mistakes, I have to say I was a little surprised and disappointed at the vitriol aimed at you, more so now that you've told us all what you did and how you've tried to live it down.
For the record, not only do I not give a toss about your past, but I meant what I said on the RCL thread - I always find it interesting whenever you have something to say (including now). I also think you're an excellent writer and - personally - I feel it would be a real shame if your passion for this was irreparably dampened by others' reluctance to accept your attempts to make things right.
As a reader and not a competitor: while the whole situation is not good, I still enjoy your writing and would like to read more of it.
Regardless, I've thoroughly enjoyed everything you've written. Thanks for speaking out about it, I'd been totally unaware of where you'd been.
Damn dude, I heard some rumors about what had happened to you, but I had no idea it went this deep. I hope things will look up for you soon
Hang in there. This will pass in time.
The people who like you will outlast the people that don't. Friendship is stronger.
"You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them."
#NoSecondPrances
I had no idea what exactly your mistake had been, but the fact that you regret your actions so deeply that you literally got depression certainly attests to your good character. Your health is more important than any continued clamor for content; take as long as you need to. And hey, if you feel you've damaged your relationship with the community beyond repair, there's always original fiction.
Take care of yourself first and foremost. Don't worry about needing to check in here until you're in a better headspace. We'll still be here. :)
Take care man