Who Are You? · 4:57am May 11th, 2020
I don't actually know who I am. Just that I hate who I've become.
How about you? Who are you? And not like the surface level bullshit. Who are you really? Like, deep inside?
I really want to know.
I know there's a place you walked
Where love falls from the trees
My heart is like a broken cup
I only feel right on my knees
I spit out like a sewer hole
Yet still receive your kiss
How can I measure up to anyone now
After such a love as this?
As much as I hate mushrooms, I think it's about time I ought to do mushrooms again. I probably need some serious self examination.
Don't worry, as always I'm not suicidal in the least and in fact extremely terrified of death.
But let me tell you, if you don't play this song super fucking loud to the point of annoying your neighbors, you're doing it wrong. The Who were a real fucking rock band. Rock music can be fucking powerful as fuck. Don't you fucking dare forget it. 
Rest in Peace, John and Keith.
Yes this blog is all over the fucking place. What are you fucking going to do, unfollow me? Face it, you're here for the fascinating shitshow that is my life and writing. And if you aren't, well, don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Good luck.
As for who I am, tricky question to answer, and over time I've likely more made peace with my inability to fully know than gained such knowledge. I'm aware that there's more I could gain there than I have, though; I just haven't put the additional work in to pursue it.
Fundamentally, I can answer that I am my perspective, on the world including myself. I am that which looks through my eyes, feels through my skin, and directly experiences my memories and qualia, among many other things. Changes to body, mind, and environment are changes experienced by this, from an internal perspective, but do not erase the core.
This definition is internal, not one for external classification. If, say, others were to perceive me transforming into a squirrel, to pick a random drastic hypothetical, even if it attempted to act like me, they could not say for sure that its internal perception was the same; I, on the other hand, were I indeed the squirrel, would be able to clearly tell, or not if not (were I aware of the squirrel at all). The extreme example, of course, illustrates something far more common, indeed near-omnipresent, in less drastic forms, for indeed when we look at someone else, for any apparent change and even no apparent change at all, we cannot know for sure whether the internal perception has remained the same. We are left, therefore, to merely make our best guesses based on the available evidence. It should not be ignored that this normalizes, however: the constant base doubt, like questions such as whether our perceived universe is a simulation, is so uniform and has so little practical effects that it can easily be ignored, outside of delves such as this, and of such things commonly treated as fact is our world made.
(...Hopefully that makes some sense and is at least fairly accurate to my views, but, well, you asked.)
Little something they taught me in theater school: When the emotion is too much for speaking, sing. So, if you'll bear with my artistic interpretation, I'll tell you who I am.
Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
When I first found this song and the Luna PMV (or maybe this is a reupload; I hadn't even hit the thumbs up yet), I was a pretty shitty older brother. First heard the song in the background of a brony's "Top 10 Most Personal Episodes" or something like that. The episode was Sisterhooves Social, the Rarity and Sweetie Belle episode where they make up with each other. He admitted to being a poor example of a big brother, and somehow a milder case even than me. And, it kinda woke me up. Since then, I've realized how bad I treated him, and now he's my best friend. (Also, I kinda got him to join the fandom, so now we talk pony stuff all the time and gift each other pony merch on birthdays and stuff.
)
Still Alive (Mirror's Edge)
High school sucked. I didn't fit in. I was weird. I sat at the table with the outcasts. I wasn't like them, and I didn't understand why. I just didn't like any of the same things they liked. And that apparently gave them the liberty to be horrible towards me. Guess what? Pony was there for me again, this time Cutie Mark Chronicles, the S1 flashback episode with the Mane Six's cutie mark stories. And there I was, onscreen personified as a lanky yellow filly. Flash forward, and she's friends with the mare who stood up for her. And that hope... That's why I'm alive. Then at college, I met one of my old friends from school. She'd been in and out through the years depending on which state her dad worked in, but now we were at college together. She was my Rainbow Dash behind my back. Had I ended myself, I never would have known. I'm still alive; I cannot apologize. And if I can help it, I'll help others pull out of the same tailspin I found myself in.
The Magic Inside
Committing to staying alive didn't magically fix all my problems. If anything, having so many of my major life events tied to a little girls' show made me wonder about viewing myself as a guy. I would have to go against everyone I knew and everything I believed to go trans, and that was terrifying. As I compared myself against the "real man" list of attributes, hobbies, and interests, I fell way short of it. Well, ponies got me into this mess, but they were there to get me out. Coluratura's denouncement of everything she was supposed to be felt so empowering, but she still did what she loved. So, I decided maybe I was able to be a guy, but I learned I would never be "their" kind of guy, and that was ok. Being a more sensitive, emotional guy was nothing bad; it's like the inverse of a tomboy. Fuck anyone who uses the term "Real Man." (Or "Real Fan," or "Real Fill-in-the-Blank.") They're trying to elevate themselves at your expense. Cut that negativity out of your life and be yourself, first and last of anything else.
Three's a Team
(I tried really hard to find a piece of music for this one. This is the best one that came to mind, but... eh.) I owe so much self-discovery to this show and fandom. This is probably the most influential entertainment I've experienced thus far, and I don't regret any of my time in this crazy, beautiful fandom. What I do regret is not getting in sooner--watching from the sidelines, not identifying as a brony until the fandom was past its glory days. We've got lots of days ahead, sure, but... I'll never get that chance back. Do the things you want. You'll regret the good things you didn't do more than the bad things you did do. This journey is far from over, and although I'm nervous and sometimes even afraid about the future, I cant wait to see where it goes next.
Moi? Deep down, I'm an asshole
5260411
Being a "Real Man" is far more complicated than the football-loving testosterone-fueled facade that we perceive as masculinity. I'm glad that you were able to be your own kind of man.
Hi! I'm a bunch of labels wrapped around an amorphous blob of a consciousness, tied up in a pretty ribbon. I could chuck labels at you, like Nonbinary, Polyamorous, Writer, Student, Creative, Positive... but it isn't all who I am. Because who I am is constantly changing. And that's okay. There's no constant state of being anyway. For me, knowing who I am right now is less important than knowing who I am working on becoming.
My motto's "do no harm, take no shit" right now.
I don't know what or who I am, man, but I think whatever that person is I might not like them that much. Here's to you, man, and to your music--may it live forever.
Years of deep introspection, meditation, and soul-diving has given me a pretty solid understanding of my self.
I know who I was. I know who I will be. Who I am currently, well, that's a different story. I change so much on my path towards my highest self, every day growing a little bit closer to who I will become.
"Yes this blog is all over the fucking place. What are you fucking going to do, unfollow me? Face it, you're here for the fascinating shitshow that is my life and writing. And if you aren't, well, don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya"
Hear, hear!
whoever I am, it sucks
5260510
Do you want to get better? Do you want to be a version of yourself you hate less?
I am the wind beneath your wings.