• Member Since 3rd Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen 6 days ago

An Intricate Disguise


Selling out has never felt so dirty. (Patreon!)

More Blog Posts88

  • 9 weeks
    Nacht Der Greyson

    You're the Nazi. You want to control how others think. Even in their porn.

    You make me sick. God will punish you for this.

    Based and ponypilled.

    Who asked you to sugarcoat it, retard? Use your free speech. Say what you mean. Say what you feel. Don't spare my feelings.

    Read More

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  • 19 weeks
    I'm in a Difficult Spot Right Now and Need Your Help

    I’m back in a place I didn’t wanna find myself in, and I feel as if I’m running out of options. It’s been a pretty difficult year, sadly, and while I absolutely hate having to write a blog like this in the first place, I feel like at this point it’s only realistic that I have to. As much as I feel terrible for doing so, I’m putting my hand out one more time, in the hopes that I can get some help.

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  • 64 weeks
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    I just had a fucked up dream, boys
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    Heart's pumping hahah

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  • 65 weeks
    Fuckin' League

    Gonna keep this one short and sweet: recently, I began to find my mojo again. Not entirely sure how I managed, as I don't exactly feel in a wonderful place right now, but hey, sometimes small miracles appear from seemingly nowhere.

    In other words, I'm writing again. What's that got to do with the godawful cancer that is League of Legends? I'll tell you.

    Read More

    19 comments · 912 views
May
5th
2020

I'm in a Difficult Spot Right Now and Need Your Help · 8:44pm May 5th

I’m back in a place I didn’t wanna find myself in, and I feel as if I’m running out of options. It’s been a pretty difficult year, sadly, and while I absolutely hate having to write a blog like this in the first place, I feel like at this point it’s only realistic that I have to. As much as I feel terrible for doing so, I’m putting my hand out one more time, in the hopes that I can get some help. Whether you can help yourself or somehow signal boost this, anything is incredibly appreciated...

Those with good memories might recall that I’ve had to do the same thing once in the past, though the situation then was much more drastic and impossible. That said, through the amazing, crazy community and generosity of this website, at the beginning of 2019 you wonderful people were able to help me raise the funds needed to get my mother both private assessment and medication for her thyroid problem before it spiralled too far out of control. 

It helped us immensely as a family, having that weight off of our shoulders, and while the medication is an ongoing expense, it’s a mile better than the situation we were in before, where we couldn’t even get any for her.

We also helped my dad, and not only did we stop him from declaring bankruptcy, but stabilised him. He’s currently working for a new business and has been for about a year now; his current boss was kind enough to understand his situation and pay up enough per month for him to live on in advance, and he’s been paying that back with the money he makes working to his boss since he started working there.Eventually, he’ll have all of that paid back and will be making a decent living.

The sad (and selfish) part is the adverse effect all of this ended up having on me. 

Those who know the situation last year know that I worked my ass off trying to provide for mum and dad and my little brothers between mid 2018 and early to mid 2019, as money was particularly bad then and so many issues kept cropping up.

It got me behind in my university work, it impacted my already shitty mental health, and it left me feeling burned out and tired at all times. And when everyone pitched in to help us all get back on our feet? I finally felt as if I could relax a little. The massive, scary, insurmountable mountain of problems I’d been staring in the face before? I could see past it, and the view beyond was nice, soothing almost. 

But when I finally stopped daydreaming, I realised that in all the time I’d spent working and worrying, I’d pissed away my chances of passing university that year. I was just too behind on the work. I hadn’t had the time, or the motivation, or the sanity, if we’re completely honest.

What followed was an intense period of burnout. In my head, I felt as if I had nothing to show for myself for the past couple of years, and as if I were a total failure. I became extremely withdrawn and less social. Writing for even passion projects was extremely difficult, and I became a hermit, rarely leaving my home or speaking to anyone.

In short, I was depressed. Depressed and soon enough, broke too, as I was no longer getting student finance for being a university student, which I was previously supporting myself on.  I’ll be straight with you for the sake of transparency: there’s been gaming addiction along the way too. It was a way to relax at first, then a coping mechanism, then a crutch. A chasm that eats up way too much of my time and mental focus that I simply fell into after way too much time of being switched on 24/7. It’s a horrible cycle I’m trying to break out of, and thankfully making a bit of progress with.

I tried to supplement my (non-existent besides a dwindling Patreon which was dwindling due to my own fucking inactivity because I’m selfish) income with commission work once it became apparent that I couldn’t afford to live on what I had, but every time I tried to work, I just couldn’t do it fast enough. Even now, people are waiting on me to finish up work I’ve been chipping at for a while now, and they’re so patient, very understanding people, and I honestly don’t deserve them. 

The point is, I’ve been trying to write, but after so long of having a stalled engine, getting back into a proper routine has been very hard.

Which is where money comes into it. I owe quite a bit back for food, bills, rent, all of the above. It’s my fault, no matter how many curveballs life threw at me, I should have been able to persevere and just keep writing. Even if my anxiety makes it very difficult to get another job, even if the presence of COVID-19 means getting another job or even applying for government assistance is unfeasible, it’s still my fault for letting this situation develop, whether I could predict a global pandemic or not.

Which reminds me to leave a quick word on the benefit system. Should I (amongst the 10 million other brits likely wishing to apply right now) wish to sign up for universal credit, I apparently need, amongst other things, a signed doctor’s note. Good luck getting one right now. Even if I manage to procure everything and get it all ironed out, there’s a five week waiting period after the process is complete before you receive any money, and the amount they give to single under-25’s is honestly very low. 

I wish there were other avenues. I have commission work that I am working on, but the process is so slow, and every time I get paid out, it only puts a dent in what I owe, which leads to another conversation with mum about when I’m going to be able to pay things back properly, and another bunch of hollow assurances, and a nonstop cycle of me feeling as if I’m drowning.

And all of this makes me feel like a terrible human being, more so because I’m asking you to pull me out of it, at least so I can breathe somewhat. Start getting back to things normally with less stress hanging over my shoulders. I have things I want to release in future, plenty of things I’ve worked on during my radio silence that I’m looking forward to putting out. I may have been distant, I may have been quiet, but I promise you, I haven’t died.

That said, my computer’s about to die. Bought this laptop almost two years ago, and it’s already on its last legs. I’m really fucking sad about that, can’t lie, because it’s one of the very few treats I’ve allowed myself over the last couple years. I honestly thought it would last longer.

But no, if and when this thing finally goes kaput, I don’t have a means of writing, perhaps maybe borrowing my mum’s laptop. I don’t even have a phone right now, that’s gone. Bed’s falling apart too, kinda. Slats go in it at random times and I just cave through the fuckin’ thing. Makes me feel fat and pathetic, even though I weigh less than 200 pounds. (Isolation can make a man slimmer.)

But yeah, I’m writing this blog mainly because I’m tired of not being me. I’m tired of feeling like everything I do is futile. I’m tired of our family being broke and feeling as if I’m becoming the sole reason. I’m tired of it all. Some of you might wonder if what I’m asking for is simply a plaster on a permanent problem, but I want to assure you that a) I’m almost certain I already would’ve been approved for government assistance if it wasn’t for the state of the country (and world) right now b) I am for what it’s worth, beginning to work more consistently, bit by bit, and c) I really feel like being ahead of the curve financially for once, rather than constantly lagging behind, would do me so much good. I’ve never had it to a point where I’ve just not had to worry about making this month’s expenses before, aside a couple months where the patreon support was super high, and the idea of having that breathing room is honestly amazing.

But while I do hope that people will be willing and able to help me, even if some think I’m horrible for even asking, I do sincerely hope that the people who do reach out to assist do so with themselves in mind too. Please don’t give if you don’t have it to spare, or if the money is necessary to you in some way. Things are really tough at the moment, but I’m not about to starve to death, and depressed, sure, but suicidal? Thankfully not.

I’ll list my Ko-Fi and Patreon below to those interested. I will say that while Ko-Fi is certainly the better option right now due to the imminent nature of my situation, but if anyone does wish to support me in an ongoing manner, then Patreon is of course a welcome option.

My Ko-fi is linked here, which is the preferable option for me currently as it's more immediate. If you wish to make a one-time donation, this is the place to do it.

My Patreon is this link, which can be used to set up a continuous pledge, should you wish to help me out through the coming months instead. Many thanks should you choose to either donate via Ko-fi or pledge here, even looking means a great deal to me.

(I should preface the Patreon with saying that I'm not properly up to speed with the pledge rewards right now, but plan to get back on track with them. For now, I'd ask you to refrain from pledging to the commission tiers specifically, though, as I have too much on my plate to take on immediate new work. That said, if you are looking for work, I'd be happy to talk things through with you and potentially put you on a waiting list.)

Once again, I feel the need to thank all of you, and to apologise. I’m sorry that I’m washed up, beat up, asking for help once again. I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet over the last several months, and I do plan to rectify it, regardless of how this situation resolves itself. I made a promise to myself that I’d return to this site in full-fledge eventually. I’m starting now, even if it’s slow right now, I’m going to try to ensure that I’m at least writing once a day from now on. Maybe not a lot at first, maybe not the four thousand words a day I used to belt out, but I’m gonna try and get myself back there, bit by bit. I want to be prolific again, I want to do it for myself just as much as I do for all of you. I'm lucky enough to have friends around me who will encourage me to keep to my schedules, even bug me if they have to. I'm gonna get out of this rut.

And I thank you now for reading, a thousand times.

Whether you decide to donate, to spread the word or signal boost somehow (reposting this blog would be a massive help if you have the time), or even to berate me for asking for help, I appreciate that you at least took the time to read all of this. I’ve got love for each and every one of you, now and always. It should go without saying, also, but this is not life or death. It's a shitty situation that's got me quite cut up, but if you have worse problems, or you just can't spare anything right now, that is totally fine and you shouldn't feel bad about it whatsoever. All of you are as important as me, if not more so, and I know that this global situation is affecting many people in different ways.

I’m so glad to have such good people around me in this community that I actually feel somewhat comfortable and safe writing something so intimate and revealing. Thank all of you for that. I look forward to finding a way to thank everyone, and hope I can find a way to make those most generous and caring know just how appreciated they are.

With love, apologies, thanks, patience, and hope,

An Intricate Disguise


PS. If someone posts a Bernie Sanders meme in the comments, I will die laughing. Love you guys.

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Comments ( 25 )

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You asked for it, not me. I'm sure there'll be more.

In all seriousness, while there's no money I can offer — I'm going into uni this year after having my A-Levels cancelled by the good ol' virus and have less than a little to spare — I can give you a warm thanks for all you've done and a wish for happier times.

Hey Man I appreciate you getting out and telling us this. I wouldn’t understand what you’re going through completely but I’ll be here for you. Stay safe

5256699
I appreciate the comment man, good to see you're still alive too. I'm gonna try and get more active on Discord again soon too, think it'll come hand in hand with new content coming out on my end. Hope you're coping well enough with things as they are now. Stay safe!

I'm already a Patreon supporter, so I kicked in some Ko-fi as well. Good luck!

5256706
thanks for sticking with me even in my quiet period dude, a whole lotta love to you! I completely agree with what you said in your ko-fi message too, you're damn right about that. Hope you're safe and well in your neck of the woods, thank you!

I'm sorry to hear of your woes. Unfortunately, I'm low on funds at the moment so there's nothing that I can offer you aside from my sympathy and I wish you good luck.

5256712
Yes, living on the outskirts of suburban Melbourne, Australia where we still have everything we need - food, electricity, Internet etc. :) And our credit union has given us up to six months break from paying the mortgage. Thanks for the good wishes!

Sorry to hear about your situation. I hope to send some support your way, and hope it will improve for you.

If I may know, what's wrong with your laptop? Maybe it's fixable still.

Huk
Huk #9 · May 5th · · ·

Hmm, you may want to check out if you Kofi is properly configured, because once again, I have the 'Pending' message when processing payment :unsuresweetie:

That said, my computer’s about to die. Bought this laptop almost two years ago, and it’s already on its last legs. I’m really fucking sad about that, can’t lie, because it’s one of the very few treats I’ve allowed myself over the last couple years. I honestly thought it would last longer.

What's happening to it? Maybe a good old cleaning is all it needs?

Still dropping those 5$ a month since last year, I'll see what I can donate with what I'll have left at the end of the month :twilightsmile:

5256771
Heh, too much to concisely list sadly. Screen's been basically hanging off for a while to the point that I can't open or shut it properly, also has a black line running through about a quarter of the screen, darkening it. It's incredibly slow and prone to crashing, the fan makes horrible noises intermittently and I believe the hard drive is damaged as at times I find it very difficult to even turn the thing on. Lots of crashing, lots of problems, and I'm scared that at some point soon the screen's just gonna snap clean off! Been holding this thing together with sellotape for way too long now.

That all said, thank you for your kind words, if you do manage to throw anything my way I wholly appreciate it, but worry about yourself also!


5256800
I need to go through PayPal and manually accept each payment individually to take them off of 'pending', rest assured there's nothing wrong with Ko-fi. That said, thanks so much for chipping in! It really helps, and I appreciate it very much. As for my laptop, the above reply is basically everything pertinent I could think of, I think the thing's buggered, honestly.

But again, thank you very much for your assistance. It's truly heartwarming!


5256810
Always had love for ya mate, appreciate you sticking with me even through my lows. I'll make it up with enough horsewords to keep ya busy, rest assured. Hope everything's going well for you at home, stay safe and well man!

if you can hang on til I get my first paycheck, darling, I should be able to offer a little bit of assistance

5256886
wholly appreciate that, but do make sure you're looking after yourself too! Element of Generosity or not, don't feel in any way obligated, you come first! Regardless, thanks for the offer, and I do hope you're keeping sane and healthy in your lockdown world? Stay safe!

I've been having issues with my money lately on top of being fired but I shall endeavour to see what I can get donated.

You're going to be well on your way son.

5256973
I'm sorry to hear that you've been having your own issues, friend, especially in a time like this. If you did wish to help out, even reposting this blog could potentially do a ton, and would be much appreciated! Thanks very much for the comment, and for reading.


5256992
That is indeed a lot of coffees. Luckily, my experience with cranking back Monsters has prepared me well enough that I won't die of caffeine overdose immediately. That said, I might have to pace myself a little! Many thanks, dude, you're an absolutely wonderful person and I can barely put to words how much I appreciate this. Gestures such as this remind me that there's a little humanity left in the world!

I sincerely hope everything's good and well with you, and promise to caffeinate in moderation. Stay safe, you diamond!

Been a fan of your work for a long time, so I sent some cash your way. I know how hard it can be to get into a spiral like this and feel like you can't recover. I'll tell you from personal experience that it can get better and there is light beyond where you are now, but it does take work and it's not easy. Wishing you the best.

Hey man, I just want to say I'm in a similar situation (I'm 3 years behind my peers due to failing and changing courses, and have 4 years until my uni course is complete), and I always stress about how I have wasted my time and stuff like that, but you need to remember that everyone has their mistakes. Some people don't finish uni until they are in their late 30's, so it doesn't matter how long you need to take. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and it's impossible to expect yourself to juggle all these stresses and get perfect marks. As long as you do the best you can, that's all that matters.
You aren't a failure, I can guarantee that once you get yourself sorted again, you'll be proud of how you endured all this. Things will work themselves out.
Also, it is hard to realise, but even things that you probably think are insignificant have a huge positive impact on your friends, family and even random strangers.
Don't worry about asking for help, people want to help you, believe me, you don't seem like the type to be a con artist or something.
This could be me projecting, but from the way you talk about yourself, I think you might have self esteem issues, and I'd really recommend seeing a councillor if you don't already (I'm pretty sure you can for free). Even if you don't feel you need one, it can really help bouncing your thoughts off another person.
Anyway, I hope things start looking up for you!

5257035

I try to do what I can, where I can. I do enjoy your stories and it's nice to give back sometimes. I know what it's like to have everything crumbling around you and have the world seeming to want nothing more than to snuff you out in terms of options. I don't want anyone to have that feeling so I help others when able. I'm really hoping to have my stuff cleared up in the near future so I can move on from these past five years.

I know writing is one of your hobbies but can always take up another. I've got plenty (too many) but one I enjoy is astronomy and astral photography. If you're in a darker area of England take the time one night and gaze at the stars. I've got two telescopes and even just the views of the moon are astounding.

*throws half a ton of coffee at intricat*

Honestly, @everyone us definitly helped. I am to busy to check everyones Blog posts.

Hope you get better and stay healthy.

i pitched in what i could! i hope it helps. in the meantime, keep your head up, we're here for you!

5257062
Very much appreciate both the positive vibes and the money help, you're a wonderful person! It's really reassuring to hear things like that, reminds me that this is a situation I can indeed push myself to get out of, but this is gonna make it so much easier. It takes work, you're right, but I feel like if I carry on doing it every day, it'll get easier, bit by bit. Stay tuned to see me start to turn this around, and stay safe and well!


5257148
I really appreciate this. It makes me feel as if I've truly been heard by someone. I'm sorry to see you've been through similar issues to me (one of my uni years was spent passing first year in a course I ultimately decided wasn't for me and then switching to Creative and Professional Writing, so we're eerily similar there). I really hope things are on the up for you, considering that! I'm planning to go back to uni this year, assuming this pandemic's calmed down enough and students are actually able to enrol normally!

As for your mention of counselling, it's something I've considered in the past and have been suggested, but it's been difficult for me to ever take the plunge. Fear that it wouldn't help, or would just leave me feeling awkward and more self-judgemental, I guess. Probably sounds like a silly concern? I'm not sure. Regardless, maybe I'll finally get around to doing so when all of this clears up. Figure it really can't hurt at this point. Thanks for sending this, it's great reassurance and honestly cheered me up some. You're a gem, dude. Stay safe and happy wherever you are, hope you can ride this lockdown shit out with no problems!


5257161
Well, I only hope I can give back to your giving back with more content! I'm super grateful, and you're truly an awesome person from everything you said and did, that's more than clear! While I don't know what exactly it is that you're looking to move on from (and don't wish to pry uninvited), I do hope you find your way there, you clearly deserve to!

I'm overdue for a new hobby, personally. It's a little hard to find one what with the state of things right now, but I'm keeping open-minded about whatever comes along, I would like to have something both relaxing and productive to do with my spare time, outside of what I currently get up to. If I ever do find anything great to do, you'll probably see me blog about it!

5257177

For sake of personal preference we're going to pretend that all coffees are Monster energy drinks from now on. That all said, yes, I love you, you're brilliant, thank you for this. I wasn't sure whether I should tag people, but an awesome person like you is proof enough it was worthwhile! Thanks, thanks ever so much, dude.

Stay healthy too! Most I can ask of everyone during these times is to stay safe and well.

5257246

You already know you're amazing, Moon. Appreciate this a ton, and hope you know I'd do the same thing for you if you ever needed it. It does help, really, really does. Gonna try to keep on going, like I've said, I owe it to myself just as much as I owe it to everyone that's been patient with me.

You're a great friend, whole lotta love to you. Thank you!

5257252
it's crazy, I thought literally the same stuff before I saw someone. I had these irrational fears that they would say 'you aren't that bad, this is for the people that really need it' or something, and the first step is definitely the hardest. As silly as it sounds, I would recommend asking a family member to book it in for you, as that way you only have to stress about showing up (and they normally book the next session at the end of the session, so it feels natural). I recommend counselling to everyone, as even if everything is fine, they can help you organise your thoughts. It won't fix everything, but it will probably make you feel better.

lol, for me I had no drive for anything, and I didn't really plan on having a future so I failed my final years of school, then went to a careers adviser and did half a year of justice, found out I laugh when I'm nervous (really wouldn't be good in court), and switched to engineering. Dropped out of online uni to study on campus, then dropped out of a 2 year course because I found a 1 year course that would get me to the same result, failed a couple of times because my parents are splitting up and all that stress has distracted me, but yea, now I'm doing fine. That's why I say just get through this rough patch and you'll be fine, it gets much easier. Sorry for the rant lol

5256841
Oh dear. Thought it might be some software issue that could be helped, but it sounds like it has way too many hardware issues going on with it sadly.
I donated a bit earlier, hope you get back on your feet, bud! All the best!

Hope your doing better now and that we were able to help

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