Rage Review: Resist and Bite (Chapter 14) · 4:34am Apr 29th, 2020
Chapter 14: Captured
I'm gonna go out on a limb and predict that someone gets captured this chapter!
70cm away from the castle entrance.
That's an interestingly-precise measure. I'm guessing that this is actually a more general statement of distance, closer to saying "two feet" or "two and a half feet" in the Imperial System. Though for all I know, Charlie's using his Safety Goggles as a rangefinder to stand exactly that far from the gate.
Charlie Lam and Luster Dawn both have successfully made it behind the large pile of rocks without the two soldiers guarding the entrance noticing them.
This sounds as if either the sentries are incredibly insobservant, or that both the Chinese and Equestirans have been totally-incompetent military engineers. One is not supposed to leave conveniently-placed cover for intruders to sneak right up to one's front gate!
(and yes, it's outright standard doctrine in all Earthly professional militaries to avoid this, and has been at least since Roman times!)
And they were very lucky because Luster Dawn made a small noise on the way hear but, the noise was quite inaudible that the soldiers didn't hear it.
The sentence is both awkward and redundant. A better way of putting it would be: "Luster Dawn had made a small noise on the way to this position; but fortunately the soldiers hadn't noticed it."
"Alright, we have arrived." Charlie said.
"Finally, I actually thought that we were dead when I accidentally stepped on the twig." Luster Dawn chuckled.
"Yeah I know." Charlie chuckled back "But it is a coincidence that the two soldiers didn't hear it." He said. And Luster Dawn giggled from his reply.
SOLDIERS: You two do know that we're standing right next to you?
This is in fact a really good example of what we might call "fixed path computer-RPG" thinking, coupled with Talking Is A Free Action.
Were this a computer RPG, or even a badly-run tabletop RPG, the characters would have already made their Stealth checks to avoid being spotted by the sentries, so they wouldn't have to worry about making noise any more until the next scene. In an even halfway realistic scene, those two are still very close to the sentries, to the point that they would be afraid to even breathe too hard, let alone "chuckle" or "giggle."
Also, why is Charlie stealthier in an alien form than Luster is with the similar form in which she has lived her whole life?
Which brings up something else ...
Even if Charlie is small, he's bigger than Luster Dawn (Alicorn stallion, remember?) and white-coated. He's not exactly hard to notice.
(Though admittedly Luster Dawn's pink-coated and yellow-maned, so she's not much better-camouflaged).
"So, what is this 'something' you said and saw?" Luster Dawn asked.
Charlie replied by pointing downwards which perplexed Luster Dawn. She then looked down and saw some wooden planks leading underground.
"Whoa, what is this?" She asked.
"There is probably a secret entrance under these planks." Charlie told her.
Wait a moment.
Are you seriously telling me that not only did Luster Dawn fail to see what had attracted his attention -- even when they moved right over to the location -- but that at no point did he tell her what he'd seen?
(*glances back at last chapter*)
Well, wow. Apparently Charlie kept her completely in the dark on what he'd seen and was planning to do. He just flat-out assumed that Luster Dawn would have no useful information to contribute regarding the architecture of her home city!!!
And apparently Luster Dawn, good little tag-along that she is, agrees with his estimate of her.
Just, wow.
"Secret entrance?" Luster Dawn asked with a bewildered expression "You mean that this unknown path under these planks leads to Canterlot?" She asked again.
No ... it leads to Kokomo. Kokomo, Indiana.
Yes, of course it leads to Canterlot! You know, the city into which you're trying to slip? The city whose walls you are standing right beneath?
Does Charlie the Alicorn emit some sort of intelligence-suppression field?
"Let's see." Charlie replied with a shrug.
CHARLIE: I mean, it might lead to Kokomo Indiana. I hear they make good pizza there. We can have a pie and then get back to our guerilla uprising!
After that, Charlie slowly pushed one of the planks forward to prevent being heard by the two Chinese soldiers. After five seconds, a small spot was seen through three planks. Charlie looked through one of the small holes and saw that it was a sewer passage.
"It's a sewer passage." Charlie said.
When Luster Dawn heard that, she showed an expression of disgust towards Charlie.
Remember that these two characters are supposed to be actually living through this situation?
Now, what is one of the senses which equids possess more acutely than hominids? What is the sense that would be immediately stimulated -- and not in a pleasant way -- by lifting the cover from a sewer?
That's right. Smell.
Both Charlie and Luster should have immediately realized what was down there the moment Charlie started to move the planks, if not as soon as they got close to them. Luster should not have required Charlie's confirmation of this.
Because, remember, she's the one who was born in this form. And lived in this city. She should be paying better attention to her equine senses, and have a better idea of the general layout of Canterlot, than Charlie.
But she's not allowed to be minimally intelligent. Heck, my cats would have peformed better in this scene!
"A sewer passage?" She asked.
"Yes." Charlie replied with a nod "And this passage probably leads to Canterlot. ..."
How much redundancy do we need to spell out the obvious? The sewer passage which contains a sewer leading to the city that you're standing right next to!
So I would counsel us to sneak into Canterlot with the sewer passage that way none of the Chinese soldiers or riot police units can see us." He said.
CHARLIE: As per the definition of "sneak." Also, let's add that we don't want any Red Chinese of any organizational affiliation or task assignment to see us!
Luster Dawn was a bit uncomfortable with the plan.
"I'm sorry Charlie but, I don't like sewers."
LUSTER DAWN: I'm perfectly okay with having my tender young hide perforated by bullets, though ...
When Charlie heard this. He was indignant at first ...
CHARLIE: How dare you not like sewers? I love sewers! I shower in sewer water every morning ... say, maybe that's why nobody wants to sit next to me in class!
... but then, he stuffed that aside and tried to confront her ...
Confront her? Does Author actually mean "persuade" or "comfort" her? Because this isn't really the time nor place for a hostile argument!
... but the sounds of guns cocking stopped him.
Author plainly doesn't have a clue it means to "cock" a gun, and even if he meant "switch off the safety" that isn't what they'd be doing in this scene either, because ...
Charlie peeked his head out of the pile of rocks and saw the two soldiers entering Canterlot probably because of an obligation. And they have left their regular duties behind.
Okay.
... what they're doing is going off their sentry posts. Which, short of an attack on the city, they really shouldn't be doing anyway. In fact, short of such an event, it would be dereliction of duty in the field for them to do that, and that is a serious offense even in the US Army, let alone that of a People's Republic of Tyranny.
Why would they "cock" their rifles to do this? Are they planning on running into the city and randomly shooting people? They might put on the safeties to avoid accidentally doing just this, but really they shouldn't be standing around for hours holding live, loaded weapons; that's just asking for something bad to happen!
Also, Author doesn't get how "hiding" works. One can't just stick one's head out from cover when standing right near the people from whom one is hiding and expect that cover to still protect one from observation!
And this was the perfect chance for him and Luster Dawn to sneak into the capital with the sewer passage. Then, he looked back at her and began to report.
"Luster Dawn, the two soldiers are gone." Charlie told her with a smile "Now's our good chance to sneak in through the sewers." He said.
Wait, so he's telling Luster Dawn what he saw, which was exactly the same thing that she saw?
Luster Dawn objects on the grounds that she doesn't want to get dirty, but then for comedy's sake -- and to avoid Luster having any actual character development -- she winds up falling into the sewer anyway.
Har-de-har.
"Ahhh! Ooof!" Luster Dawn grunted.
"Argh! Moan!" Jordan Bassior complained.
"Luster Dawn!" Charlie said with an anxious expression, then he looked down "Are you okay down there?" He asked.
Gee, it's sure a good thing that the sentries deserted their post, because if they were still on their stations, this scene would be much less funny ... not that it's as funny as Author thinks.
"Uggh! Charlie, this sewer is stinky like a rotten food!" Luster Dawn complained.
This actually makes sense for her to say, as she's a proper Canterlot young lady, and hence wouldn't feel comfortable saying the word "s**t" in front of someone else, especially a stallion to whom she was attracted.
"What do you see down there?" Charlie asked. And his voice echoed through.
There were another few moments of silence, then a reply.
"Well, I see some walls, smelly sewer waters, mouse's that startled me, and some tunnels that probably leads to Canterlot." She replied.
Overly verbose, though funny because she leaves the most important point for last.
Charlie follows her down into the hold.
Our Nominal Heroes are confronted with a choice of three tunnels to take. Suddenly remembering that Luster Dawn lived in this city, Charlie asks her which tunnel to take:
Luster Dawn looked at the three tunnels and began to decide. The three tunnels are indeed very unhygienic obviously. But they are also gonna be very spine-chilling to go through because you will never know what is at the other side, well except for the more feasible work with Charlie's flashlight.
I'm guessing the translation is "they're dirty and scary, it's a good thing we have a flashlight."
As I think AC97 pointed out, it never occurs to Luster Dawn that she could generate some light with her horn. This is really basic magic; a young Snails does this in "Boast Busters," right near the start of Season One.
"Let's go in the left one." Luster Dawn said with confidence.
"I love your confidence."
Luster Dawn blushed and said "Why thank you."
Story ...
Having her blush once, or twice, at innocent intimacies or compliments is cute.
Having her do this constantly is just plain silly.
While in the sewers. Charlie and Luster Dawn encountered some smelly sewer water which nearly made Luster Dawn throw up. And squeaking mouse that made Luster Dawn jump.
What, just some "smelly sewer water?"
I'm amused by the fact that Canterlot sewers apparently have mice instead of rats.
I prefer Kudzuhaiku's view of this, specifically his stories about the elite Rat Catcher's Guild. Basically, Canterlot (and other Equestrian urban) sewers have things in them so nasty that they need a combination between Plague Doctors and Vietnam War Tunnel Rats to winkle them out!
They come across a sewer cover, climb up, and find themselves in the Palace Dungeons.
How convenient.
They search a bit and find an occupied cell. Charlie cuts off the lock with bolt cutters:
After that, he gripped onto it with it's mouth and began to squeeze the handles in an incredible strength which amazed Luster Dawn. After ten seconds, the wires were cut broken and fell on the floor.
Should we go with
LUSTER DAWN: Wow, Alicorns are strong! I didn't know that! I'm amazed!
(despite the fact that she's Twilight Sparkle's special student)
or
LUSTER DAWN: Wow, a tool! I'm amazed at such advanced technology!
(despite the fact that Equestria is an industrial civilization and certainly has such tools themselves).
He then pressed his right hoof onto the door and pushed slowly pushed it open. After that, he immediately turned on his flashlight and illuminated the small room. And what they saw traumatized them because there were four ponies, three dragons and one yak cuffed in the room in metal chains. And all of them had contusions all over their bodies, faces, legs and back. And they were also bleeding from their faces and chests.
"Oh my goodness." Luster Dawn said with covering her muzzle in shock.
Oh, come on. What did you expect to find in the Dungeon of the Blue Meanies? The Happy Bouncy Fun Room of Jolly Play?
Charlie decides to try to talk to a female gray Dragon who is regaining consciousness. The following Narm-tastic conversation ensues, which I reproduce in full:
"Hey hey, are you okay?" Charlie asked.
The grey dragon groaned for a moment then looked in front of her and saw a white male alicorn.
"Wh-who are you?"
"My name is Charlie Lam. And I am here to assist you, can you tell me what is going on?" He asked.
Then mysteriously, the grey dragon began to panic.
"Y-you have to get out of here mister Charlie." She told him desperately which made him perplexed.
"Why? What happened to you?" He asked.
"I- me and many of my friends were brutally beaten in this cell by the invaders because we made some small mistakes. And I-I overheard their leader saying something-"
Charlie's eyes widened when he heard her information.
"What did the leader say? And how can we get to his office?" He asked.
But then, the dragon began to loose her concioussness because of her wounds. Then, she closed her eyes.
"Hey! Hey!" Charlie said. He then pressed his right hoof on her carotid pulse and saw that it was not pumping so he must assume that she is dead.
"She's gone."
I could go over this in detail, but my main points:
(1) Dying, unconscious people generally do not regain consciousness to speak a few last words. Unless aided or bothered, they usually just die without regaining consciousness.
(2) I totally refuse to believe that the Chinese could have succeeded in beating any non-baby Dragon to death with mere steel batons. They would have collapsed from exhaustion first.
(3) No Dragon worth her gems would be complaining that the beating had been unfair in this situation. Proud Warrior Race, remember?
(4) Dying at the most plot-convenient moment is just too nakedly for that exact purpose, and it makes it impossible to take the death seriously.
Charlie sighed quietly as he stood up "She said something about the military's leader, so what I would counsel us to do first is-"
Charlie wasn't able to finish his sentence when he heard Luster Dawn muffling a scream.
It turns out that what Gray Dragon Gal was trying to tell them was that this was a trap.
She could have just gasped "It's a trap!" but instead she had to say a bunch of things and die because she wasted time on the other things.
As I said, "most plot-convenient moment."
Apparently, some Chinese soldiers were able to sneak up on them in the cell without Charlie noticing.
Charlie wasn't able to finish his sentence when he heard Luster Dawn muffling a scream.
When Charlie heard Luster Dawn's muffle. He turned around and saw that she was being grabbed by a Chinese soldier. Charlie tried to help but then, he felt a sharp pain behind his neck. He turned around and saw that he got shot in the neck by a tranquilizer dart. He tried to go forward and help Luster Dawn but, he lost his conciousness and fell on the floor sleeping.
I think that AC97 covered the critique of this scene quite completely, particularly the absurdity of the Chinese knowing the correct tranquilizer dose for an Alicorn, and that tranquilizers don't work that fast anyway, and the fact that neither Charlie nor Luster could effectively resist. (Apparently they read the chapter title and knew they had to get "captured".)
I'll add that "muffling" is the act of covering up a sound or object, not the sounds a person makes when so covered.
So, they're captured. I was right!
At least it was a short chapter.
Some of this reminds me of a plot point in Not the Hero: since Anon believes he is the smartest person in the room, he is.
But, Anon's powers don't make him smarter, and if was as smart as he thinks he is, he would figure out that things in Equestria were very weird ("Why are all these national heroes with wildly different tastes all attracted to me?", "Why does Equestria exactly match my head canon?"); he instead makes everyone around him stupider than he is.
Indeed, Discord points out that Twilight is being suppressed by this, as she isn't allowed to be cleverer than Anon or have ideas first. It seems something similar is happening with Charlie here.
Also, your quotation box is broken.
(Jordan, you had uh... some hiccups with quoting text, namely that it didn't end when it was supposed to, and it kinda layers on; not so much your fault I think, because Fimfiction can be kinda weird about that sometimes, right? Or is that just me?)
I just don't get it. Why would you basically spoil exactly what's going to happen in the chapter title? It went, "Rough talk with the griffons," then "Rough negotiations in the Changeling Kingdom," then it went one step further and had the title be "Failed confrontations in the dragons land."
At that point, you're probably better off just going by "Chapter 1, Chapter 2," if you're gonna spoil exactly what it entails. Yes, giving a hint, strong or weak, as to what happens might be fine, regarding the chapter title, it can depend, but practically spelling it out, in this case? Not so much.
But not in say, video games, probably.
It's disgustingly infantilizing.
It's already bad enough when it's happening in Not The Hero, now the offending character's an ageless immortal that will plague the world forever, practically guaranteed.
(Note: I am NOT saying Not The Hero is poorly written. It's on my Favorites list for a reason.)
If only I'd thought of that while reading it; it makes a story feel more real if you have a character's senses be utilized organically, other than just "touch, sight, and sound," and the author isn't skilled at even those three (slip-ups in observation, failing spot-checks unrealistically, etc).
(Also, it would've been unrealistic even if they're both human)
Yeah, their lack of knowledge on how firearms are handled is really, really apparent. And wouldn't you typically use a phrase like "cocked their guns" as a lead-up to "they're being held at gunpoint?"
(Even though "cocking them" isn't usually what happens under most circumstances, at most they're probably taking the safety off, unless they're cocking a revolver or semi-automatic's hammer to fire in single-action, or using a lever-action, but that's another thing entirely. Or they might be chambering a round if they're carrying without a round in the chamber for whatever reason. But I digress.)
This is what happens when you think overenchanted gear + max perked Sneak 100 in Skyrim is realistic.
And when somepony like Snails does it (even if I'll note he got self-levitation working as of S9, because he's good at levitation), there's no valid excuse for someone who's supposed to be smart not considering this.
That would be a fantasy element too inconvenient for Charlie.
They're really shitty at learning about the Chinese's brutality, especially after the immediately prior chapter, or other such prior cases of them witnessing it.
Or Luster, if she was allowed to do anything. Standing guard, keeping a lookout, in an intelligent fashion is just too complicated these days.
He's writing from an outline and not changing his first-draft chapter titles?
But yeah; the important plot point in the chapter is that he and Luster get captured, so "captured" it is. Though the title should logically been something else, like, "Into the Dungeon" or something of that sort.
As traps go this one is absurd, anyway. How did they know Charlie and Luster would try to break into their headquarters, let alone the dungeon in particular? How did they know what precise cell they would enter? Did they just put a whole squad out of their tiny force on standby to ambush him when he did all this?
Yeah ... I mean, my version of Snails/Glittershell has some strong points all his/her own, but her major magical aptitude is Mind Shielding, and that's something she doesn't discover until more than halfway through the Show. She survives her adventures mostly on courage, reflexes, and the luck that attends "fools and drunks," with her being the titular "fool."
One of the minor points of "Boast Busters" is that Light spells are fairly easy; the reason I assume they are is that, on the most fundamental level, the light generated by magic is just the waste energy being shed into the visible portion of the electro-magnetic spectrum. So a Unicorn casts a Light spell by just channeling raw magic through her horn, and tuning it to put most of that waste into visible light.
Author is presumably trying to remind us the Red Chinese are the bad guys. Which they are, and given their track record IRL I'd be the first to agree, but simply having Charlie and Luster stumble across a Chinese atrocity, stating that they're "horrified" or "traumatized," and then moving on is not an effective way to do it.
Simply saying that something "traumatizes" Our Designated Heroes does not make it horrifying or traumatic. One needs to explain or imply just what about it horrifies the heroes.
A murdered little girl is horrifying, yes, but what in particular produces this effect on the protagonist? Is it because she reminds him of his own kid sister, who's about the same age? Is it because she's still clutching her little donkey-doll, which makes it clear that she was an individual with a mind that found the doll special, a mind now forever blotted out? Is it because he always wanted a daughter, and this reminds him that anyone he loves, no matter how innocent, can be a hostage to fortune?
It's not a hard sell: we like little girls and find them innocent and worthy of protection. Very few people believe that it's a good thing to murder them.
The point is that a writer has to make the pitch, not just assume that the reader feels our emotions and agrees with them. That's lazy writing.
5252473
Fixed the quotation box. I hope this didn't discourage comments.
All the sentries were busy watching the workers to make sure none of them got any ideas about having narrative agency.
Charlie is the kind of person who'd have his bard sing a song to improve his party's Stealth checks. And the name of the song would be "I'm the Same Species as the Invaders, My Darling."
To be fair, it could turn back into Ponyville at any moment. Luster knows next to nothing about that town's layout; they'd be stranded.
Still doesn't excuse the elbow-based violent coup that started all of this.
This is the closest thing I've seen to decent Rarity characterization thus far, even if it's coming from a different pony. Granted, I'd expect it from Rarity circa Season 1, but still.
Not letting the unicorn light her horn...
I'm seriously wondering if the author has seen the show rather than, say, read some transcripts. I know he has other stories published that imply some knowledge of FiM beyond "The Last Problem," but the sheer lack of setting utilization... It's enough to make the movie feel well-integrated into the fabric of Equestria.
You have a missing /quote tag after "She's gone."
And I suppose it's fair if both sides have the observational skill of a small rock. (Though that rock could be a changeling, so it may have a leg up on them all.)
5252473
Charlie horribly Nerfs everyone in Equestria, specifically to make the tiny Chinese expeditionary force a credible threat for more than two or three fights; then when he encounters Chinese troops he Nerfs them to give himself a chance of survival.
If the Chinese, for some insane reason (and I think I know the particular insane reason at work here) decided to make First Contact with an alien race of unknown capabilities by invading them with a force under orders to commit maximum atrocities, and what's worse chose a force of reinforced platoon strength to do this, and the defenders turned out to be Equestria ...
... well, they'd show up and start killing Equestrians, and possibly defeating the first force of ordinary Guards sent against them (first battle) due to superior armament. The survivors of that encounter would then warn the Realm, which would dispatch an elite force against them while mobilizing more Guards. The elite team would then mop up the floor with the invading platoon in one or two battles. And that's it.
But that leaves Charlie Lam with no chance to shine, so we have to Nerf the Equestrians to make it possible for the Chinese to seize the capital and wreck some other towns.
This is really extreme Nerfing, and it works by totally denying agency to almost everyone in the story. A whole city of hundreds of thousands of inhabitants is conquered by less than a hundred troops, and then held down by maybe a dozen or two dozen troops while the remaining dozen to two dozen randomly lash out at other towns.
Given even a minimum of courage, initiative and competence on the part of the Equestrians, this would lead to at least a steady drizzle of attrition to the Chinese forces, which given their small numbers would mean a Chinese defeat. Likely, there would be more than one disastrous close-range ambush which would see a whole Chinese squad or team wiped out.
To emphasize how bad that would be, there are around 50 troops available to the invaders. Each casualty, therefore, represents 2 percent of the Chinese force. If a four-man fireteam is wiped out, that's 8 percent of the force. Thus, even "nuisance" tactics -- pungee sticks and the like -- can inflict meaningful losses on the Invaders. One accurate marksman, killing or wounding one or two enemies, could measurably reduce enemy capabilities.
The reason that this invasion didn't end in the Prologue is that the Equestrians are doing nothing to effectively resist. Charlie had to point out to the Kirin that they could turn the spears they had just threatened him with on the Invaders!
The physical capabilities of everyone with superhuman abilities are ignored or dialed way down. In the case of the Dragons, humans with steel rods can easily (even accidentally) beat them to death!
Logistics are ignored. There is absolutely no way that the platoon strength force of invaders could make prisoner over a hundred thousand people, nor that they could keep or manage them, even if the whole force was devoted to this duty.
One possible assumption is that Story assumes the population of Equestria is absurdly small. If Canterlot had a population of just a few hundred (maybe even thousand) instead of hundred thousand, then this would make sense.
But that is ridiculous. Canterlot is the capital of a whole nation, and the city depicted on The Show contains numerous towers and levels, across a space of at least a mile square, and more likely several miles square. If it had only a few hundred or few thousand inhabitants, it would be almost deserted.
Likewise, the Chinese have to be Nerfed whenever they meet Charlie, otherwise they would quickly kill him or make him captive. Charlie has no special combat training, beyond some basic martial arts and firearms familiarity; a real military force (even of one or two fireteams) would easily overcome him.
Everyone in the story not named Charlie Lam is presented as an incompetent fool, simply to make Charlie look better.
Addendum: It's been more than a day (or, given the amount of travel, it should have been.) Who's moving the sun?
Another fine review, but I have one question:
No Dragon worth her gems would be complaining that the beating had been unfair in this situation. Proud Warrior Race, remember?
What would you have had her saying about her beating and (probable) interrogation? "They kept demanding what I knew. So I told them, 'You scaleless, fireless mammals aren't just ugly, you stink too'."? Yeah, I know, IRL it's very stupid to mock people torturing you, but in some historical cultures that was what you did to show your scorn.
5252537
Yeah, we don't have any reason to assume that they aren't a spell on the trivial side, based off of canon (it should also be noted, that regarding Boast Busters, it was operating under the probable Early Installment Weirdness of "unicorns have magic based on their special talent," as opposed to the more apparently soft rule of "unicorns can learn, study magic, though talents do matter" so that further backs up how simple it is; you'd think it has nothing to do with Snails' cutie mark, special talent), Twilight did it, Snails did it, Rarity did it (helmet-mounted lights are nifty because then you don't have to slightly distract yourself, in any case)... probably other cases.
(Twilight didn't contradict him, so yes, it feels notably different from how the series in general handled it, least to me. But I digress)
I know it isn't Charlie's first area of interest for which he's studied, but you'd think he'd have more of a passing grasp on History, the atrocities that the Chinese have committed in the past, or just the things people have done in general, so that this wouldn't be oh-so-shocking to him, at least on an intellectual level. Sure, it wouldn't really desensitize you on an emotional scale upon seeing it in person, but...
Precisely.
(Also, having the characters shift to getting angry that they're seeing this might be a refreshing change of pace after a certain point, as opposed to rinsing and repeating "traumatized," though they aren't mutually exclusive, are they?)
5252578
It's just hilarious that such a force so exponentially small apparently, as per Word of God managed to capture that many Equestrians (never mind the probable crowding problems associated with crowding that many into Canterlot, or how easily the Equestrians could kill them all if they resisted), non-lethally. Because I guess riot shields and batons are just that OP.
It's kind of like FoE (the one with more sex and caribou), except it probably makes even less sense, which is not an easy task.
When you get to the chapter titled "Revelations" (Four chapters away, after this one), well... I think you're gonna have a field day with what it involves. It gives the backstory for the invasion, how it came about, as a teaser. So many logical holes...
(And it also does a terrible attempt at cheaply trying to humanize someone with no redeeming qualities thus far; I'm sure you can guess who)
Indeed. For an example of someone that apparently doesn't exist in this story, even if she's older, I'm fairly sure Tempest Shadow would still be spry at her age in this story, and good luck trying to beat her in CQC. It's probably not happening, at least not easily.
It really can't be overstated that there's multiple characters that we know of that could easily commit squad wipes (I think you can probably forgive the use of that gaming term) on their lonesome, as a bare minimum, that aren't alicorns.
What's the saddest thing is that Charlie is an incompetent fool, and nobody notices.
5252580
I wouldn't expect to get an answer to something the author probably never considered.
(I tried asking them, and I don't think I got an answer)
(Edit to the above comment: changed "crowding that many into Equestria" to "crowding that many into Canterlot;" that was an oopsie. Probably fixed a few other things)
(I think I should note that the author changed the chapter title of this chapter you reviewed to "Into the dungeons," and he probably changed one or two other chapter titles)
5253308
Yeah, I'll summarize that one again, I suppose:
That's just not a clever way to have them ambushed, and I think Jordan would agree (feel free to say anything, chime in, if you see fit, Jordan). They furthermore by all rights should be on high alert, but they weren't. They know they're in enemy territory, but their actions don't feel like they're conscientious of that fact.
You'd think they'd have given the entire room a more thorough once-over out of fear. And again, flashlight and horn lighting spells, so it's not like either of them couldn't have looked around.
Also, a grand total of two soldiers on their lonesome taking it upon themselves to deal with two of them. Does that seem particularly smart to you?
Did Luster Dawn just not conceivably have a chance to react to any of this? No footsteps heard (a slipup in sneaking to up the stakes)? Nothing? No trying to struggle, thrash, twist around, to blast the one grabbing her, in the face, if she doesn't know any AoE (area of effect) attack spells (at the very least, even if his armor would work [it wouldn't], his arms are less armored)? No trying to teleport out of his grasp?
5253589
As if you couldn't focus on multiple tasks at once, look around while still listening.
Since when does that work in stopping a unicorn from casting any magic in a panic? Is there any instance from the show that would lead you to think that's a surefire "nope, most certainly wouldn't be able to use magic, under that exact scenario?" Or are you arbitrarily deciding this is the case for the sake of the plot? Because I'm inclined to think "you're forcing it along," based on the track record.
Also, no, she wasn't on the receiving end of a chokehold, or a successful one at least, because then she wouldn't have been able to say "Charlie." If anything, it sounded more likely that he's trying to cover her mouth (which of course, she'd bite, and he'd probably regret it).
You can't say anything if your windpipe is being cut off, period. You should know that.
(and for that matter, why the "punch Luster Dawn unconscious" if the chokehold is working just fine?)
And I told you I think it's unrealistic that they wouldn't have looked around the room to notice this, neither of them, particularly if it's explicitly described as being a "small room" in the narration (especially considering the flashlight would probably be on the bright side, illuminate the whole thing). It sounds like you'd notice it in your peripheral vision, such a door, quite possibly the camera, because it'd stand out, no reason for them not to stand out, be camouflaged amongst the walls, but they didn't, when they ought to have done so.
It's all contrived, the whole lot of it, on multiple levels.
5253651
Why wasn't it having more effect than "nothing," then?
It never came across as "the soldier ever had to exert any effort in restraining her." It's a perfectly valid interpretation that "the soldier shifted to holding her body at arm's length before bringing it back in for a punch to the back of the head," based off of what's written, because its choreography (or the lack thereof) is that vague. We don't know if they're rolling around on the ground, we don't know if she's stationarily sitting in place when she's being grabbed, we don't know if the soldier grabbed her, then stood up, holding her.
It all goes back to the basic principle of "Show, Don't Tell," just like how you tell us that characters are "traumatized" and so on, as opposed to showing us them experiencing physical signs like their breathing quickening, them feeling their heart pounding, etc. Probably not any cases of nostrils flaring, either, their ears folding down.
As far as we could tell, she exerted no such effort in resisting. It just felt like a bad case of Cutscene Incompetence.
How does that argue against "look around the damn cell?"
I'm not sure why that cell would have any more than one entrance, to begin with, either. Let alone, if your explanation is any indication, having one door be comprised of titanium, and the other door, the only one ever described as existing in the narration, being made out of wood, when the latter is easier to destroy, and Equestrians can do that (dragons [also applies to metal for them], yaks, earth ponies...)
I'm sorry to say, but it almost feels like you're trying hard to justify this to yourself as making sense overall, because you have your ego invested in it.
Speaking of body language, I think one of my favorite things Pegasi and Alicorns might do is flare their wings outward, to make themselves look bigger, more imposing, whether it's an expression of anger/determination (like Twilight did in the S9 premiere), or right before she teleported and blasted Tirek for the first time (in S4, right after he blew her house up), or doing it to say, help cover up fear.
I don't think I remember anything like that happening in the story.
5253748
Among other problems with the scene where the Chinese soldier captures Luster Dawn by grabbing her from behind is that there is no mention made of her putting up any effective resistance.
Now to analyze why this is hard to believe ...
... The Ponies presumably have better hearing than Humans, given the shape and dirigibility of their ears, and the fact that real Equids do. They probably have a better sense of smell than do humans as well, for similar reasons (a muzzle plus real-world analogues). So sneaking up on a Pony wouldn't be that easy, particularly for Humans, who wouldn't have an instinctive awareness of these facts.
Next, consider the mechanics of grabbing a Pony "from behind" and "covering her mouth."
Horses have two means of fighting: striking with their hooves, and biting. Horses are instinctively good at kicking backward, because they are prey animals and might have to fight while fleeing from a predator. They can bite by craning their necks at their enemies, or (like any creature) if an enemy is stupid enough to put a vulnerable appendage near their mouths.
Do you begin to see the problem?
I'm not saying it couldn't be done. Faced with a horse roughly the mass or less of a human, of course a human could grab it and wrestle it into submission, if he were fairly strong and knew what he was doing. This is also a strongman trick (though normally the horse is trained to cooperate so nobody actually gets hurt).
The soldiers are presumably athletically-fit men, and their body armor would protect them to some degree against Luster's natural weapons. And Luster's a Squishy Wizard mare, not a big Earth Pony stallion. But still ... it's hard to see how they overcome her without her having the chance to fight back at all. Or even scream.
I submit this is more about making Luster Dawn the helpless Damsel in Distress than anything reasonable.
5253952
That's also a great point; as the sorts of animals that they are, they should have an evolutionary incentive to have senses superior to us, in the real world, and while they're equinoids in this setting, with notable differences from real equines, no reason to think such a thing wouldn't carry over.
None of this feels like it's written with "small horses" in mind.
Also, you'd think that someone who is more of a Squishy Wizard, and is of a species that leans more strongly on "Flight" in "Fight or Flight" (there are other responses than just those two, but that's another story) would, on an instinctual level put forth more caution with her surroundings, have better situational awareness, especially when she's sapient and aware of being in a hostile, unknown environment on a rational level.
(For that matter, you'd think Minotaurs [being a probable slamdunk for "stronger than humans," and who, far as we could tell, never, ever gets mentioned in this story] could've usurped Celestia long before this story if it were really that easy, if alicorns were just all Squishy Wizards, lol.)
Now that was never in question.
If this was about making Luster Dawn look remotely good, she'd have saved Charlie's life when he was in danger from being overwhelmed by the Chinese due to being inexperienced with a new body, on numerous occasions, or if the story was more well-written, because he's only human (because he didn't transform into an alicorn), and can't possibly deal with that many (though of course, the idea of "one boy could change the tide of an entire war in such a way, if the Equestrians were too brain-dead to fight back," is kind of ludicrous, an unworkable premise). Or in this case, she'd have tenderized both of these bozos herself, on her lonesome, after Charlie went down from the dart (the dart being stupid as we all know, to begin with, but bear with me), under her own power.
But we can't let her overshadow him, not even for an instant, right?
(Can't be stressed enough that an OC becoming an alicorn [especially so soon] means it's inherently harder to execute well, because alicorns are super special going by canon, between their high levels of rarity, their power; the MLP Movie [whether you like it or not] explicitly describing them as having the power of a hundred armies, four of them, if Tempest's word was anything to go by, not to mention how the power of four fought against Tirek, even if the latter arguably had an inefficient utilization of stolen power. It's rather easy for alicorn OCs to be Mary Sues/Gary Stus, especially if they were human.)
For that matter (probably discussed before), Charlie started the story as a highly proficient Martial Arts Prodigy, and being someone unrealistically good with technology. It's generally a better idea to stick to one or the other.
It's probably a more compelling idea if the character has to work at becoming more skilled in combat, experience character growth in that regard, get their ass kicked on numerous occasions in fights, before gradually improving.
You don't think say, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back is a good movie because Luke beat Darth Vader, all of his other obstacles instantly, no, he had his ass handed to him multiple times, whether it be how he got his hand severed by Darth Vader, or how he barely survived against the Wampa, barely got his lightsaber in time to live after being knocked unconscious, captured.
5254331
Do you know how astronomically technologically superior those "lab safety goggles" Charlie has are? To anything that exists today?
Okay, let's pretend that that's plausible, that some 18-year old, from that background, in what is supposed to be a mundane, down-to-earth setting, Our World Unless Otherwise Noted, would invent stuff, that far technologically superior, when the purpose of said technology is to be lab safety goggles, and be some martial arts expert, and be quite physically strong, when his day-to-day life wouldn't necessarily afford him the time, as such a prodigious student.
...Did he invent that Magical Healing Spray in Chapter 3/4 (depending on whether the Prologue is Chapter 1)? Why would he be so knowledgeable on medical technology as to invent some healing spray that rapidly induces tissue regeneration, a bullet wound gone within three seconds? If he didn't invent it, where did he get it?
Where does the medical knowledge he logically shouldn't have factor into his backstory, let alone having something that advanced (which, was it ever mentioned again)? That wasn't what he was studying, so what gives?
Does none of that seem like it could break the suspension of disbelief for you?
5254416
Not sure how that has any relation to this at all. I've never seen a Godzilla movie, but I'm certain based off what I know that there's nothing one-to-one about a "Titan-killing Oxygen Destroyer and what it did" vs "your teenage protagonist probably shouldn't be this much of a badass without character development, because it kills tension."
I can't help but wonder if the OC has a few, to several aspects in common with you, the author, because you self-inserted to some degree.
5254012
(Can't be stressed enough that an OC becoming an alicorn [especially so soon] means it's inherently harder to execute well, because alicorns are super special going by canon, between their high levels of rarity, their power; the MLP Movie [whether you like it or not] explicitly describing them as having the power of a hundred armies, four of them, if Tempest's word was anything to go by, not to mention how the power of four fought against Tirek, even if the latter arguably had an inefficient utilization of stolen power. It's rather easy for alicorn OCs to be Mary Sues/Gary Stus, especially if they were human.)
Rather OT but I do wish more people who do fan work about the alicorns would remember that they're supposed to be powerful and dangerous in canon. I've seen way too many people make them into total incompetents. It can work for comedy, but it's more often done for dramatic works where it makes little sense.
5254469
Yeah. Making the Ponies helpless in general mildly annoys me. Making Badass Ponies (all of the Mane Six plus their friends, plus Starlight and her friends) helpless greatly annoys me.
But making the Alicorns helpless means one simply hasn't watched any of the action eps featuring any of them.
5254469
5254526
Particularly even aside from Twilight, with Cadance. She's one of the least Worfed alicorns in the show, ironically enough.
(Kind of a shame she didn't get to do much in S9, though it wasn't on the basis of "Cadance is just a weak coward," it was "we need something going for us if we fail and die, make sure Flurry Heart will be," or "Sombra has our child, I already sent out a letter for help, Shining Armor saw me do that.")
It admittedly is the case that perhaps the show did Worf them a bit too much overall, so that you might forget that they're actually strong, but that isn't much of an excuse for doing it yourself, unless, as you said, it's a Parody. I've found it bizarre that a few people still think "what if Celestia just pretends to be strong, she really isn't" holds water, because going down that chain of logic, that means by extension, the S5 finale indicates that Sombra, and also Nightmare Moon (did Celestia... commit sororicide in self-defense, in the Sombra timeline, that's why I brought her up; she came back regardless, and she could've won, but...), are utter weaklings, because the former didn't curb-stomp her by then, when he seems to at least rival S9 Twilight in power.
...In any case, I'd be more than willing to use "hard to hurt, fighting them often involves wearing their Healing Factor down by exhausting them in combat, rather hard to kill, they're also determined" as a general plot point, with it also generally being true with others alicorn-level or higher.
(Perhaps it helps the case of "alicorn regeneration" not being implausible, when Sombra [timestamped] grew his horn back, in S3, shadowy form, related note)
5254488
I'm not sure how you never went to yourself "is this completely implausible? Am I giving my main character too many abilities arbitrarily? Why can't I have Fluttershy as having cleaned up the bullet wound, stitched it up, as opposed to her doing nothing before Charlie arrived?" Or did having Fluttershy do anything just never occur to you, because you had to show off your OC's "Cool Skillz," at the absolute expense of everyone else?
It would be one thing if you actually had it be a proper crossover, brought in a pre-established character smart enough to have done things like this in canon, kept them in character, so on (it would however NOT justify arbitrarily nerfing the Equestrians to oblivion though, as you've done regardless), it's another to have an OC be doing this, when as an addition there's also no foreshadowing that he has the ability to do these things, and it heavily stands out against the setting, in what is supposed to be a pretty mundane Earth.
You didn't foreshadow that his safety goggles were this astronomically advanced, you didn't foreshadow that he had any passing interest in the medical field, let alone that he had invented anything like Magical Tissue Regenerating Healing Spray, or anything of the sort, he just happened to have it on his person, and you didn't foreshadow him as having martial arts skills, or that he'd worked out, before he pulled them out of nowhere against Spike, even if it wasn't already ridiculous for a human to so much as inconvenience him to begin with, which it is.
Also, your lack of knowledge in medical technology/procedures is glaringly obvious based on the fourth chapter, because Charlie literally pulled a pair of tweezers out of his pocket, never sterilized them, and got to work, to say nothing of unwashed hands. Anyone who has a basic understanding of germ theory would know why that's an immensely bad idea.
For an instance of why unsterilized tools and uncleaned hands might be a bad idea, look at how former US President James Garfield died.
(The year is supposed to be like, 2022-23, in this story, because Charlie is 18 years old, and he was five when his father died, though I recall he originally planned it as being like, 16 years old, in the original story plans, before the bad guys changed from the Japanese, to the Chinese, and I suspect I have a good guess as to why the author had him originally being that old.
...But anyway, no, probably not technologically plausible.)
5253614
Re-reading this, two more points making all these titanium doors improbable.
1) Titanium is uncommon on the Earth's surface, hence expensive.
2) Titanium is kind of shiny, hence not inconspicuous.