Free crackfic idea seeks good home · 4:33pm Apr 24th, 2020
I originally came up with this story core in January and in the time since, it's become fairly clear that I'm not likely to do anything with it. Besides, I've already posted two crackfics for Crackfic Week. Any more and it'll threaten to become Crackfic Month, which would lead into Crackfic Year, which is too @$##$% appropriate for the multiple-senses death march which 2020 has become. Incidentally, please do not inject yourself with Clorox or Lysol. Because you will die. And if you have to ask why I said that today, you're better off with my not telling you.
-- anyway, I don't think I'm going to write this one. And I think someone should work with the core concept, because in the hands of a talented author, there's a lot of ways it could go. It works as Teen or Mature. I feel it's a crackfic level of comedy, but it could (just barely) be played for drama. It is fundamentally stupid, and to a degree which indicates that a spark of anti-genius could be extracted from its center.
So here's the concept, and the title which I would have used. If someone wants it -- or if multiple writers want to coordinate a group effort, or just have each try their own take -- then claim it for your own in the Comments below.
Ready?
Turns out alicorns are ridiculously fertile. As in 'every time an alicorn has sex, there's a 95% chance they're going to wind up carrying a foal. Minimum.' And this is a problem, because everything else is normal: time spent gravid, mood swings, hormone shifts... it's just not a good idea for a Princess to rule a nation from a constant state of Dam Brain. Plus then you get to the fact that given a typical level of sex drive, there would be an endless parade of heirs galloping around the palace. The line of succession would have a six-mile wait and the front never moves. And then there's just raising all those foals...
In terms of rulership, having somepony in charge who has to live with either the stress of constant celibacy or pregnancy just doesn't make sense. And Celestia has a very healthy sex drive. She just doesn't want to destroy a nation through dealing with the consequences.
So she secretly has a little spell going. Constantly. It's been running for centuries with no signs of slowing down. It does only one thing, and it does that perfectly.
Every time Celestia has sex, somepony else gets pregnant.
...you're thinking about the implications, aren't you? What the range is. If ponies have now concluded that some things just happen and sex education is a joke. How much the palace spends every year on paid staff maternity leave. What percentage of the capital is a direct blood relation. What Luna's been up to lately, and whether anypony bothered telling Twilight.
Oh, there's a lot of ways this could go. But the majority of them feel like crackfic, and that still doesn't mean this isn't an idea which wouldn't benefit from a good home.
Do you think you can work with it?
I did promise you a title.
The Immaculate Deflection
brilliant title XD
I officially call not it. The humor in this is going to come from horrible implications and witty dialogue and increasingly ridiculous fallout from either the reveal of this or what led to the reveal of this. Maybe Blueblood or Discord get pregnant or something. But at least in my current lazy piece of shit depressed state, most of my humor more comes from surreal stupidity.
EDIT: Oh noooooo. What if Principal Celestia gets pregnant after an interdimensional conference... with a foal
On a more serious note, this raises the question of whether you could use a spell like this to help infertile couples have a foal.
You go with "1 season = 1 year (give or take)"
Shining Armor & Cadence got married S2
Flurry Heart was born S5
Even allowing for an 11 month pregnancy
(same as for Earth horses)
that says some SAD things about their honeymoon + marriage
Immaculate Deception
5249404
"Crackfic."
It's also possible that Cadance decided to keep one (with non-deflected pregnancies being alicorns, or the dice just came up at long last) and the Empire is currently undergoing a population boom. And a mass confusion boom. At the same time.
>endless parade of heirs galloping around the palace.
And that's why the Royal Guard has all white coats and is suspiciously missing whenever trouble shows up.
May I also suggest "Gone Cuckoo" in there somewhere, with or without the emphasis on 'cuck'?
5249407
So, you're going with Cadence (& presumably Luna) know
BUT Twilight doesn't
This is why Celestia made Twilight a librarian
Because everyone knows "Librarians never have sex"
5249404
Unless Cadance got pregnant with Celestia's deflected foal. The spell only shifts when one has sex, so if the luck of the draw just happened to deflect onto Cadance...
I'd suggest, using Estee's language, the conception occurred during a zoology conference, which would allow Cadance to be within range, and Celestia, er, needing relaxation.
I'd read it.
5249369
Come to think of it, also how it might interact with The Most Special Spell. After all, it's Luna who want much into mares. (Unless I've flipped that... frantic search through the Continuum...)
And then Twilight talks Luna into taking her into Celestia's dreams to see what led to the spell's development—purely out of scientific curiosity, of course!—and they have to go through layer after layer of automatic mental defenses. Unfortunately, as Luna was trying to tell her the whole time, memory and dream just don't work well enough together for Twilight's purposes. Thus, they go with Plan B: instilling the idea of Celestia sharing the details with her student into the sun mare's subconscious. And also there's a beach full of ruined skyscrapers at one point.
This, of course, is The Immaculate Inception.
In as much seriousness as the topic deserves, I don't think I can do this one justice. Especially since that "What percentage of the capital is a direct blood relation" comment implies that the spell teleports the blastocyst out of Celestia and into a random "lucky' mare, which raises so many questions that I'm half-tempted to go full Nolan.
5249435
I reiterate
"That says some SAD things about Cadence's honeymoon + marriage"
Also "Why did the Cakes have twins?"
SO MANY IDEAS
- Fertility consultants (know colloquially as Foal Fixers) make mega bits selling ”Castle Water - It Knocks You Up!”
- Assuming some prior contact with the Alicorn in question is required, this will create a very high turnover of castle staff, leading to a comedy of poor services and staffing issues at the castle:
1) female and only recently hired as experienced mares get pregnant and leave on a regular basis. Even those who come back just get preggers again immediately, and the cycle perpetuates...
2) male staff get frequently “distracted” by servicing their sovereigns, or develop an aversion to getting caught alone with said sovereigns,
3) only gay male staff are actually capable, competent and willing to do their jobs for any length of time, which leads to some “frustration” on the part of the Alicorns desperately trying to locate an amenable stallion when the urge to scratch becomes urgent,
4) Somepony has to explain all of this to a virginal Twilight ascends to the throne. A monumentally unlucky Shining Armor drew the short straw and has to have this conversation with his LSBFF.
I’ll stop now. But yeah, this has major possibilities.
reminds me of this story:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/367413/every-time-a-pegasus-flaps-their-wings-a-kitten-dies
Celestia's eyes were closed. Twilight felt the glare anyway.
"I mean," she heedlessly continued, "there's never been a point in history where two Alicorns have had sex with each other before, right?"
Celestia's eyes remained firmly closed.
"So! There was no way to know that two versions of the spell operating simultaneously would amplify the effect even though both parties were mares, so arguably the fact that Luna and I-- I mean, I'm not saying I had sex with your sister just for science, I just meant that science was improved by our actions so they were clearly good-- that wasn't the only reason it was good, there's this thing she did with a weather vane that--"
Celestia's face remained a picture of serenity as everything combustible in the room began to smolder.
"...Um," Twilight said after several warm minutes had passed. "The point is that we're very sorry and won't do it again." A pause. "Get everyone in the castle pregnant, I mean. Not stop having sex. Did you know sex is great? I mean I knew, intellectually, but now--"
"Twilight," said a very pregnant, very hormonal, and almost forcefully composed Celestia began. "Take the year off. Go on a vacation to Saddle Arabia. I'll cover it."
Twilight blinked. "...Really?"
"Because if you stay in the same country as me for the next eight months, at some point I'm going to kill you."
5249444
5249404
Reading Cadence in A Minor
[Adult story embed hidden]
made me never attempt writing a Shining Armor and Cadance honeymoon story again because it made me realize just how much Chrysalis probably fucked up their psyche. I 100% guarantee they both have severe PTSD and sexual issues from that.
5249408
That is so perfect.
5249482
Same author.
5249444
Cady just figured out how to target it. Let's just say her revenge on Chrysalis is... ongoing.
It occurs to me that, with each additional alicorn introduced, it becomes more likely that a pregnancy will be deflected to another alicorn. And Celestia wants to know whose baby this is RIGHT NOW.
Last scene twist: Twi does some genetic testing and it doesn't match any of them. Who the hell is this?! It turns out the spell has entered public use, and you can buy the kit at a drug store near you. The Doctors Bear mixed up some paperwork. Welcome to baby roulette.
5249437
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/884694/verse-to-date-sexuality-because-we-need-all-the-unfollow-information-in-one-place
ETA:
Looks like this crackfic wouldn't be compatible with the Triptych continuum.
Of course, if, say, Celestia managed to deflect it to Luna, you could have plenty of humor between sisters there.
Or, and here's a good crackfic enhancer: what if it targeted Blueblood?
And then Twilight takes a long and hard look at her wings, and her oh so fresh research on the heredity of alicorn traits.
5249558
It HAD occurred to me "THAT'S where all those changelings came from"
Followed by "Chrysalis figured it out -THAT'S why she invaded Canterlot!"
It occurs to me that Too Much Occurs To Me
So that’s what The Most Special Spell actually is. It just makes a mare hyper receptive to... whatever we’re calling this. Which implies that Celestia has a disturbing amount of sex, with a remarkable variety of lovers.
After Twilight’s freak out, she is going to have so many questions. What counts as sex? Lesbian sex? Oral? Anal? I’ve heard talk of this new thing called “telegraph sex”? Rarity has a romance novel from Mazin, there’s a scene in that she described as a “soapy teat wank”. Does that count? Why is my brother suspiciously white fured?
Or even more horrible thoughts...
Does it work for species that are not genetically compatible?
Twilight: Where do sea ponies come from?
Celestia: I went swimming and there was this particularly inquisitive dolphin...
Twilight: Where do centaurs come from?
Celestia: Do not let your guard down around monkeys...
5249585
I had forgotten about that blog. I was recalling this scene, though:
AMoA, Ch. 2
5249444
Not necessarily, we know from AMoA that their sex life is robust. And she likely had the spell going anyway as Celestia would've taught her.
AMoA, Ch. 7
And yes, she was under Joyous's talent at the time, but Shining does comment on that later.
The trigger, of course, is somepony invoking Celestia’s name mid-orgasm the way a human might say Oh God. Say it at the moment of Royal Conception and you become the spell’s target.
5249731
For some reason, that reminded me of http://xkcd.com/563/
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fermirotica.png
A new spell is never quite right the first time. In an earlier version, it wasn’t the pregnancy that was deflected, but the orgasm. Leaving a frustrated and pregnant Celestia, and some confused ponies around town.
In the modern age she uses the faulty version on journalists that annoy her. Which is why the Murdock’s organisation has such a crusade against sex...
Once upon a time, in the history of our actual non-fictitious world, people believe that mares can get impregnated by the west wind.
Animals Impregnated by the Wind published by The University of Chicago Press on behalf of The History of Science Society
I've a plot ready to type down if you don't mind me adopting this.
Yikes. If a significant portion of the population are biologically siblings then inbreeding becomes a bit of an issue.
Also on the list of implications: Cadence. And Flurry Heart. And the extension of that trend. ...Though there is also the question: Why only Flurry Heart?
Ah, though looking at the comments, I see this has already been discussed.
re the title:
Hah!
5249408
"And that's why the Royal Guard has all white coats and is suspiciously missing whenever trouble shows up."
Oh, brilliant. :D
5249795
I mean, it's possible ponies just aren't very susceptible to that.
...Of course. If one wanted to work that into the joke, one way that can happen is already being so inbred that all the faults that would come from that are already there, and the deadly ones have been bred out. And Celestia, well, she's presumably been using the spell for a long time now...
5249795
I’d hate to show you the breed books of Thoroughbreds, Morgans, and Standardbreds.
Thoroughbreds come from three foundation stallions (the Byerley Turk, probably Arabian; the Darley Arabian; and the Godolphin Arabian). Morgans are an American breed, from a foundation sire named Figure (owned by Justin Morgan), who was remarkable for ‘throwing’ his temperament & conformation to his filly get (and those mares for breeding true); there are now three lines (Lippitt, Government, Sport), . Standardbreds are Morgans and Thoroughbreds backbred to each other.
Let’s not get into what they do to dogs.
You can still write the story. Set it about a year after "A Mark Of Appeal," when Cadence comes to the palace to ask Celestia (and by extension Luna) for help for a simple problem.
The Crystal Empire was having a baby boom (which, remarkably enough could be a 1% rate of increase of pregnancies), up until eleven months ago, when it became a baby explosions (try seven percent and going up). They're also seeing younger female ponies in homes without a long-term stallion in the house developing their sexual characteristics earlier than average. The first thing that Celestia asks is if the spell that keeps alicorns from being crazy-fertile is still working, and Cadence says, "Yes."
A comedy of errors and statistical analysis shows that there's a widening and developing baby boom in Canterlot and the cities surrounding it, and this includes places were the Sisters have visited. Celestia remains adamant that they aren't going to let Twilight Sparkle learn Mark Magic because of this. They're still waiting on the Ponyville numbers, because Discord organized the municipal record section's filing cabinets, unionized them, and now they work regular hours with coffee breaks.
One of the Bears suggests turning the spell off for a bit, and trying to turn it back on again, to see if maybe that will get it to work. Unfortunately, it doesn't...and the spell won't turn back on.
Comedy of errors, explosions, and at least one scene where all three alicorns have to keep each other from jumping on some of the guards, even guards that normally wouldn't be interested in them...
Then, the numbers come from Ponyville. No changes. And, Twilight Sparkle sends an addendum scroll, "Don't know why you're asking, things are okay here. Oh, by the way, the fertility control spell you gave me when I Ascended? Had a few problems with it, made some modifications, thought I had sent you a scroll with what I did but forgot, my bad."
The modifications fixed everything...leaving Celestia having to figure out why she didn't just ask in the first place as Luna and Cadence scream at her.
5249731
5249740
- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
- Random
Princess Celestia's been dealing with some rather embrassing issues for so long, and she decides it's finally time to do something about it. Fortunately, she just so happens to have a sister and a student more than willing to lend a helping hoof.A fun Twilight story idea:
https://www.bbc.com/news/amp/uk-england-suffolk-52412655
Poor Twilight...
5249785
Go ahead. So far, everyone else has just been working out the implications.
5249902
I did my take on it, and it...could've been better.
- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
- Random
What do you do when you're ridiculously fertile? As in '95% chance of pregnancy for every intercourse, minimum'? For Celestia, she handles it like she does every other problem: make it somepony else's.At least I'm having fun making it. Thanks for letting me write this idea down!
5249833
I do have a somewhat relevant question, if I could bend your ear a little.
Theoretically, how many generations would need to pass before a descendant would effectively pass the whaterverth-cousins-line to be effectively not incest?
In a general sense, not just godhorses. Whatever time travel etc. shenanigans.
5249957
For sentients, or horses?
For humans, on one side I’m from a rather insular community where my grandmama could name all our relatives, their spouses, how they were related and by what degree(s) (not by their marriage). Then there’s small towns. Iceland has a fun solution to their issues (phone app, it tells you if you’re too closely related by law).
For real live horses? Eeeeh. My mare was considered well-bred, good breeding stock. Look how the names repeat, even across generations (this is considered desirable):
https://www.allbreedpedigree.com/menomin+sweet+delite
So I can’t really answer your question? The law in my area says second cousins, but I’ve seen problems happen there in already fairly stagnant communities.
5250156
Mostly just checking to see if there theoretically was one.