I am anxious · 9:20pm Apr 18th, 2020
I apologize for using this as a space to vent, yet again, but it's the easiest place for me to put my thoughts and feelings out in the open. Everyone and their brother has done a coronavirus blog, and I suppose... in a way this is mine. So, read only if you want to.
Coronavirus has touched those closest to me in terrible ways. Someone I love had it for a while. Friends have lost grandparents. Cousins. One lost her father, and did not even know until the police broke down the door to his home after he didn't return calls.
But meanwhile, I started out quarantine feeling... ironically amused about myself. For much of my life, I've somewhat trained myself for this moment. I can cook restaurant quality meals on a few dollars and little food supply. If I need an ingredient, like bread, mayo, even alcohol, I can make it from scratch without a recipe. I have a job working from home. I know how to live in a single room for days without leaving. I exercise and have equipment to do so in a confined space. I am comfortable with my own silence and solitude. I know how to clean EVERYTHING and do home repairs. I communicate with my closest friends online. I have a cat to keep me company, a small garden, hobbies, games and more to entertain me. And I had all this before coronavirus hit.
Yes. I'm talking about agoraphobia. Again.
It felt in the beginning as though being agoraphobic had made me ideal for quarantine. I shut out the world over a week before we were ordered to shelter in place, because I am immunocompromised, as are other members of my family. We got supplies before the stores got rushed, and were comfy when things went nuts. At first, it was business as usual.
But now there's a creeping fear in me. I have worked so long and so hard to fight my agoraphobia. To be able to leave my home whenever I want, on a whim. I have felt my panic receding, bending to my will rather than the other way around. I could go walk to the local store, get home, and not be trembling. I began actively planning outings. Asking to go outside. Taking walks just to TAKE WALKS. The fear was always still there, but it was manageable. It was a minor pain. I could treat it with an aspirin.
Once it went away, I began drinking less. Don't get me wrong, I still drink. I love wine, love making alcohol, love mixing drinks. It's just worlds of fun. But I stopped getting drunk. Like... genuinely DRUNK. I didn't need to have a shot to deal with going outside anymore, so I just... didn't do it. And it felt good. My body felt better. My brain felt better. I felt like... a human. I was so much happier with my quieter fear and my much smaller alcohol spending.
But now... I have not left my home except for a handful of times in well over a month.
For everyone else, that's a good thing! Social distancing is GOOD and it will save lives. Please, before you come to the comment section to post about how you disagree, remember that I have an immune system problem. The life you save by keeping inside could well be mine. But even with all that in mind, I am... anxious. I am terrified. Because someday this will end. And we'll all get to go out again.
And... I don't know where I'll be then.
Fighting fear takes a muscle memory. You have to keep doing it, like exercise, or you get flabby. I'm not going out, and so I feel myself getting... weak. I went outside every day for a year, because I wanted to build up that ability. Now I'm breaking that habit. And it might be that when it's all said and done, I fall right back into my ability to take walks panic-free. But the fact is, I don't know. I could be back at square one again. I could be back at the point where walking to the mailbox makes my heart quicken, and that whenever I get back inside from going anywhere, I have to cry and shut myself in small spaces. I could have lost my literal years of fighting, and be back at the starting line.
That terrifies me more than I can say. I don't know that I'll have the strength to fight that battle again, at least as aggressively as before. I don't want to lose everything I've worked so hard for. I don't want to have to keep fighting. I'm tired. I'm so, so tired.
Today, I'm feeling anxious. I feel the familiar old snake of agoraphobia winding its way through my brain. I feel panic at nothing. My hands start to shake for no reason. I feel like throwing up, fighting, running, crying, all simply because crossed wires are in my brain screaming "the monster coming to kill you" without there being a monster there at all. And it's all too familiar. I hate it.
I'll keep going outside to water the garden. I'll keep active, and try to push through. I'll do the best I can. It's all I can ask of myself, or anyone else. But I know that coronavirus can kill me if I go out, and that it can also kill a part of me if I don't. Knowing that doesn't help. I just have to wait. I'll wait and see, once this ends, if I still know how to be human anymore. And then I'll go from there.
Take care of yourselves and each other, please. Do your best. It's all I'll ask of you.
-pencil
Thanks for sharing this, man. Stay strong, Anon!
Stay strong buddy
Stay strong, Pencil.
I don’t know if this will help at all but I’d love to see pictures of your cat. I am always down to see pictures of peoples cats.
I'm reminded of the quote "we have nothing to fear but fear itself" and how completely unhelpful it is.
We're with you, Pencil!
Life is a fight. Many don't realize that because the fight is easy for them. It's still a fight, whether it's easy or hard. I don't know if that's any consolation, but we're all in this together. Life, that is, not this current predicament, but we're in that together as well. We all have different battles, and sometimes people lose. Sometimes a loss can lead to a victory.
Anyway, I hope you always find the will to fight the good fight.
Stay strong, Pencil! We're all with you. You just have to hold up a bit, as they say, a rainbow always appears after a great storm.
I assume that monster is the virus itself right? Best way to avoid it is to social distance. Take walks, but keep weary of over people. If you need fresh air, just chill in your back garden or something. I feel you, trust me, thisll end and we'll all be here with you.
This is like... when an opioid addict gets clean, and then, out for a walk, gets hit by a car. Back in the hospital, they are given oxy or hydro, and boom, they relapse! And maybe it's a bad comparison, phobia vs addiction.
But that's not the point.
The point is, it wasn't their fault. They didn't choose to get hit by a car. They didn't choose to relapse. But it happened. They were doing so well for a while but happenstance conspired against them.
You were doing well. And you didn't choose for this to happen. But it happened just the same.
And maybe it might make you relapse. Maybe you might.
But you were able to get better once before and you can do it again.
It'll suck. It'll suck getting knocked back in your progress.
But you can do it.
Because I may not know you as well as some people do,
but the Pencil I know, is a fighter.
I know it because I have seen it time and again.
Even when you are tired of fighting, tired of fighting fear, you will still do it.
Life is going to trip you up. Life is going to knock you down. But you are going to get back up.
Because that is who you are.
You are strong.
And you are not alone.
5245440
No. The monster doesn't exist. That's how agoraphobia works.
It’s a bizarre thing how the brain works. I personally get tired of fighting. I only have so much before I feel exhausted, and then just thinking about fighting again makes me even more exhausted. All mental stuff works in these vicious cycles.
I hope when the time comes, you’ll be on the up end, and more able to deal. Sometimes rest helps... sometimes.
5245444
Yeah! Power to the Pencil!