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leeroy_gIBZ


Call me Leroy. Some time ago, never mind how long exactly, having little or no sense in my brain, I began to write. PM me if you'd like a story reviewed!

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Apr
1st
2020

Review #10: The Old Collector - TheMajorTechie · 5:24pm Apr 1st, 2020

EThe Old Collector
Some things are saved, others are not. But not all that is kept, is left to be taught.
TheMajorTechie · 1.1k words  ·  17  4 · 483 views

I read: Completed at 1 chapter, 1.1k words.
I rate: 4/10
I recommend: Skip

Apparently, this is either one of those stories you get… or you don’t, judging by the pair of comments it had and my own reactions on both the initial and subsequent readings. Specifically, what this here story presents itself as is a history - lore of Equestria, albeit not the lore one would suspect. It is that, but its also something more and what that all is doesn’t exactly have the world’s best execution attached to it.

Now let’s get rid of the mystery and get down to the bones of the matter. Today’s story discusses the private historical collection of one long-dead explorer and aristocrat, Mister Haystack, and it grows gradually more and more sinister as it grows closer to the present of the series and then even darker once it surpasses it. Kudos where kudos are due, that’s an interesting way to do lore. However the question then arises, how well is this worldbuilding written? And the answer, alas, is none too well. Looking past the somewhat unconventional and incorrect grammar, the actual description of the artefacts here seems to be going for an iceberg-style approach - giving just enough information to let one infer the rest. The problem here is we don’t have enough to infer from and a lot of what I presume the writer was going for is instead buried under vague trinkets, tidbits, and trivia. It's all fine, mostly - apart from a bizarrely jarring section of poetry - but none of it tells a story we haven’t heard before.

The actual twist is another matter entirely and the changing perspective of the conclusion is actually quite appreciable and does serve as quite a fitting conclusion to the tension and mystery the tour through the collection serves to provide. Does it save an otherwise uninteresting theory of what might happen to Equestria if the writing staff at Hasbro decided to get Dark? I’d say no, honestly, but that really does depend heavily on one’s own opinion of TheMajorTechie’s unconventional and somewhat inconsistent style here.

Plot: 2/5. The reveal at the end is a nice payoff to what little narrative there is, but said narrative is somewhat hard to follow due to the disjointed nature and mediocre writing of the story.
Characters: 2/5. What characters? Mister Haystack barely appears at all and, when he does, he’s a seemingly generic adventurer figure. Twilight is interesting here, but isn’t characterized beyond some simple telling.
Style: 2/5. You’ll love it or, well, you won’t. But fairly unenthused and simplistic descriptions and fumbled implications aren’t for me, especially when the technical writing doesn’t impress either.
Execution: 2/5. I admit, I do not “get” this and, frankly, I’m not entirely even sure what there is to get here.
Overall Rating: 8/20 = 4/10

To TheMajorTechie: I’d recommend you rework this. The tour of history idea has potential, definitely, but its undercut by your less than stellar grasp of technical writing, like grammar and syntax. Furthermore the poetry segment is a non sequitur in the story and I’d advise either to cut it, rewrite it into conventional prose, or write the whole text in that style. Likewise, I’d also say that you could maybe expand on the actual characters here and give Twilight some more backstory and personality since she’s clearly not the same Twilight we know and love. If you think I’m not talking out of my hat and there’s something to leaving a lot to implication, I’d also recommend you read some Ernest Hemingway - he is the undisputed master of this style and one of my personal favourite authors.

For something like this: The Virgin Princess. GaPJaxie’s take on Twilight’s reign is a pleasure to read and, while styled differently, also rewards an observant eye and an appreciation for tragedy.

As always, thanks for reading. I won’t be accepting any further requests on the My Little Reviews & Feedback group due to personal circumstances, but feel free to PM me if you’d like a story reviewed and/or edited. Also look out for my upcoming horror story this April!

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