101 Basic Things To Remember About Pony Sex: A SFW Guide For Equine Reading Virgins · 8:37pm Mar 23rd, 2020
Basics: Full Population
1. You do not go into estrus.
2. The follow-up lie about your having gone into the kind of estrus which will prove fatal without sex is a self-fulfilling prophecy, because anypony who hears it is legally permitted to kill you.
3. It is not a 69. Your body shape does not permit a 69. At best, you look like a pair of misaligned brackets.
4. Just keep on trying to tell them that the natural destiny of a herd species is to have a full harem of mares fighting over a single stallion. See how that works out for you.
5. According to multiple species, the minimum requirements for successful intercourse are 'fingers and a tongue: everything else is gravy.' This would seem to place you at something of a handicap. Also, gravy. Bleah.
6. Adults have sex with adults. Adolescents sometimes have sex with adolescents. Anypony mixing these categories may find themselves having sex afterwards, but the prison is not obligated to provide you with a full-sized mattress.
7. Nopony has ever manifested a mark talent for having sex, and we would really appreciate it if you would stop trying.
8. As you are a pony, they're pretty much all that size. So what exactly are you boasting about?
9. That is not what 'furlong' means.
10. You have four legs. The basic anatomical design for your posture can best be described as 'horizontal.' With a little thought, you will see that this makes a number of positions rather simple to use. With no thought whatsoever, you will continue to keep the nation's chiropractors in business.
Pony w. Pony: Same Race
Earth Ponies
11. In public, it is called 'sex' or 'lovemaking'. Everypony gets a little bit sick of hearing you refer to it as 'destructonookie.'
12. We know you were in the pasture together. In the sense that it burned calories, what you were doing can be described as 'work.' Beyond that, you're not fooling anypony.
13. It's better when you take off the yoke.
Pegasi
14. On a related note for #12, clouds have a particular way of vibrating when somepony is having sex in the street. And we mean in. Literally. Everypony knows exactly what you're doing, and we mean everypony within a three-block radius. Also, while it's true that you are capable of using a cloud hollow for your encounter, your lungs are normal and you are having sex in an environment with the humidity level of extremely thick fog. Enjoy your pneumonia.
15. We are aware that certain sexual positions available to you could be described as 'excessively mobile.' Clearing the window means the same is now true of your neighbors.
16. It is possible to have an orgasm at ground level. This happens to other ponies all the time. You are making a very visible excuse. Gut it out, stone foal.
Unicorns
17. As horns can spontaneously ignite during sex, your bedroom should be clear of all small, unsecured objects. In the case of more powerful specimens, this may be upgraded to 'any other furniture.' Those at the top of the scale may wish to place their homes in isolated locations. Like Prance. We hear it's nice this time of year.
18. The sound of collision is nature's way of telling you that you're both leaning too far in.
19. That is not what the Gifted School teaches, and everypony knows it. Also, they weren't testing for that. So not even as a joke. The Princesses are pissed.
Pony w. Themselves
20. It's just that complicated.
21. Everypony else found a way and you will too. We are not obligated to provide hints.
22. There is a reason we ban all fillies and colts of a certain age from the produce aisle.
23. However, if you see a lightly sweat-covered adolescent unicorn smirking, you are permitted to kick them. No questions asked.
Pony w. Other Sapients
24. Despite what you may be hoping for, there are only three possible reasons for a griffon to have sex with you: honest interest, attempting a form of dominance, and have you ever seen the way a cat bats their food around before they eat it?
25. You are cross-fertile with zebras. You are going to use protection. There is something more complicated than zebra road law, and it's called 'foal visitation rights.'
26. Two things to know about Yakyakistan culture: they invented the concept of the sex toy and incidentally, that's you.
27. Please do not discuss the concept of centaur sex. We are aware of the possibilities which might potentially be offered by a sapient with access to both hands and hooves. So is the centaur. You're scaring her.
28. There are two possible terms which apply to ponies who have sex with Saddle Arabians and due to the way their legal system regards intimate relationships with outsiders, the one you're hoping for is 'survivor'. Or, to use the more realistic term, 'escapee'. Incidentally, our extradition laws fully protect you. Just don't cross the border.
Pony w. Alicorn
29. You should be so lucky.
30. There is no real chance that you will ever be that lucky. Stop dreaming. There are plenty of good ponies out there. Find one.
31. Shining Armor is a Tartarus-freed moron.
Pony w. Artificial Aids
32. This Space Paidly For By Steath's Erotica Emporium at 19 Warmblood Way in Canterlot! Mention This List And Getly Ten Percent Off Your Next Purchase!
Pony w. Pony: Interspecies
Earth Ponies
33. As a general rule, your partner is more breakable than the bed.
34. We've all heard the one about 'increased strength and stamina'. You can shut up now.
35. Wow. If it wasn't for that increased strength and stamina, you would have lasted nine seconds.
36. If you find somepony who falls for "And we both have to be covered in mud" twice, marry them.
37. Haystacks contain ticks. Always.
38. That you can readily lift your partner makes certain positions easier. That you can also gallop down the street with them makes a certain amount of jail time inevitable.
39. Laying them down in a bed of roses stains the fur and your sheets. Growing the roses on the spot just means you are laying them down in a bed of thorns.
40. If they ask "Did the earth move for you, too?" You are in deep trouble.
Pegasi
41. Stop bringing unenchanted partners into cloud bedrooms. No matter what you may think of your ability to manage a pressure carry, there is no sexual position where you will not eventually drop them.
42. For you, spontaneous static discharge is a sign of arousal. For them, it's an electric shock.
43. If they haven't been with a pegasus before, hearing the bedroom starting to rumble is not going to be particularly reassuring.
44. You are not 'spontaneously condensing moisture'. That's flop sweat.
45. Your partner is not used to the concept of somepony having two extra limbs to work with. They will not automatically think to play with your wings, which means you should suggest it. Additionally, the fact that the last one screamed "THERE'S SOMEPONY ELSE IN THE ROOM!" and sprinted away after you brushed feathers across their back was pretty much your fault.
46. Let them down slowly. And by that, we mean bring them back to ground level and do not let go until all four hooves have touched down. You're both tired and if you let them drop across the last part, it is going to be a one-night stand. And an eight-week fracture.
Unicorns
47. Your horn has exactly two choices for positioning: exactly where it should be at all times or '...I'll get us to the hospital.'
48. Other ponies are not used to the idea of a horn spontaneously igniting during sex. It is your responsibility to inform them of what it means, along with listing every trick you know and how they might impact sex. You may think this is being overly cautious, but they have no ability to counter you and Laffin's Tickler has led to lawsuits before.
49. On average, you are the physically smallest race. This still does not make "cute" into a speciesist insult.
50. Think about all the times you've bumped your head while having sex. Got that? Good, because somepony having sex with a unicorn for the first time has about a 40% chance to raise that number by one. You think you're just showing them what casting can do in the bedroom. They're thinking about where the hospital is again.
51. There is no such thing as a Sexual Prowess Surge. If you couldn't lift your partner before sex, you can't manage it during. The best possible result is that you look very stupid. The worst is the emergency room.
52. If you haven't figured it out by now, you need to keep a full list of medical contact information next to the bed. Or you could, you know, try not using magic for a change.
53. We know. Let it be a challenge to you.
Bearers
Rarity
54. Just once, would it be possible for you to let a partner leave the Boutique with a shred of their self-esteem intact?
55. You may be interested to know that we recorded your last act of "simply giving you some advice, darling: after all, one would hardly expect to bed down with a lady without knowing her tastes and desires, now would you?" The full transcript is seven hundred pages. Single-spaced, small print.
56. It is certainly possible for a pony to become inspired during sex. Leaving in mid-act so you can spend six hours with your sketchbooks is getting very old.
57. You call it 'placing your intended within a perfectly suitable bedroom garment, regardless of whether they had ever considered that they might need such.' The law, however, will continue to treat it as assault.
58. Also, you know all those ponies in books whom you keep comparing your lovers to? Out loud? Those ponies are fictional. Their prowess? Fictional. Stamina? Fictional. The positions? Physicians across the realm assure you that the required joints are also fictional. This means allowing your partner to remain in the realm of reality is not considered 'settling'. Equestria. You live here. Now try having sex in it.
Rainbow Dash
59. Due to the only revision which ever passed with 100% of the vote, while you and a partner are within your bedroom, it is now constitutionally possible for you to shut up.
60. Have you ever considered that your partner might want to remain on the bed? And on a related note, the crash cushions will remain in place underneath your home. Suffer.
61. If you are going to continue telling the lie about your having The Most Orgasms Ever, try to keep the number consistent.
62. Please explain the water table incident. Slowly.
63. Tortoises are not legally capable of giving their consent to serve as 'sex stunt equipment'.
64. For the last time: while the Sonic Sexboom may be a theoretical possibility, our analysis shows that when it comes to the protective field aura cone generated by the technique, your partner would be on the exterior. We are uncertain as to whether the actual cause of demise would be lack of ability to breathe at high speed, air friction burns, or the fact that you generally tend to crash snout-first. We would very much appreciate it if you would cease all attempts to find out.
Pinkie Pie
65. All partners must leave in the same condition they entered. This includes-but-is-not-limited-to number of working joints, functionality of pancreas, relative dimensional position and, whenever possible, remaining level of sanity in so far as it can be established after they were already willing while knowing the risks as outlined in the brochure which you are legally obligated to give them to have sex with you.
66. Your snout is no longer permitted to materialize in that location. The surgical team is still in therapy.
67. Any bouncy castle being utilized must have all sides draped in fully-blocking fabric. We are still trying to fend off the last five lawsuits.
68. We understand that for you, it's an expression of joy and shows how much you're looking forward to what happens next. Regardless, when somepony first shows it to you, please stop laughing.
69. You may feel it is unfair to have the freedom of expression laws rewritten specifically to prevent you from writing about your preferences. The palace considers it a reasonable response to the first draft. Also, the therapy team is now in therapy. We don't even know how that works.
70. No. More. Party. Cannons.
Applejack
71. The hat does not go there.
72. Legally, the fact that you wear the rope loops in public does not mean "It ain't mah fault 'cause they should've guessed that part before they ever got that far."
73. Regardless of your original inspiration, the springboard does not function. And if you're going to keep trying anyway, would you at least move that thing indoors?
74. That is not what anypony means by 'work ethic.'
75. There are approximately 12,947 possible uses for apples. What you just tried to do qualifies for none of them.
76. As of today, Ponyville's coroner will no longer accept Cause Of Death: Twelve-Hour Acres Shift. We are no longer sure how you meant that.
Fluttershy
77. Just because you're used to having animals watch everything you do doesn't mean your partner is comfortable with it.
78. The thousands of sexual techniques you memorized through direct observation? Are all for the wrong species. Please stop doing the porcupine thing. We've heard about the porcupine thing. Even the porcupines are disturbed.
79. On a related note, it is not a mating dance. It is a mobile concussion looking for a place to land.
80. For purposes of knowing how things are going, your partner requires more feedback than "...eep!"
81. Please bring out the tail slowly. Not only are you ruining your date for all other ponies, but Barnyard Bargains is out of extensions.
82. When experiencing the sort of reaction which makes you temporarily leave the area so you can gather your strength before resuming, please be sure to do two things first: tell your partner exactly what's happening, and make sure they're detached.
Twilight
83. There are spells which can potentially enhance sex. Please stop trying to spontaneously invent them during the actual act. We're sure that having an orgasm loop into itself would be interesting. We are equally sure that having every toilet trench in a quarter-gallop radius doing the exact same thing didn't work out for anypony.
84. As a general rule, the bed should remain within the tree at all times.
85. You are no longer permitted to pause in the middle of the act in order to send a letter to Princess Celestia about the lesson you just learned. Or at the end of it. Or beforehoof in the hopes of getting some advice. You also may not be aware that all of your scrolls are stored as part of the nation's historical record and we cannot afford another new Archives building this year.
86. There is now a legal limit on the number of times you can ask your partner if you're cute, adequate, worth this, or anything else intended to boost your confidence. It is known as "once."
87. Currently, you are the only alicorn who is believed to be potentially available. We recognize that this makes you the main recipient of fantasies recorded as letters mailed directly to you and in the name of bringing the suicide rate down, you are hereby ordered to stop sending them back post-editing.
88. Time travel spells do not mean that you are allowed to have sex with yourself. You may know exactly what you like, but we all remember what happened the last time you knocked yourself up. There have been five judges who have tried to work out who's paying foal support, and they have all gone mad.
Princesses
Celestia
89. The reason you don't get to be on top is called 'the square-cube law.' Additionally, nopony has one that big. We've looked. The last six expeditions didn't come back. Please consider seeking partners based on their technique.
90. Would it be possible, just once, for you to get through it without setting something on fire?
91. On a related note, burn cream does not work preemptively, nor can it be considered as a lubricant.
92. Please stop imprisoning everypony who asks if you're having sex with your sister. Not only is it doing nothing to stop the idiocy, but we are out of cells and are currently storing morons in the legislative offices. This is redundant. Also, three of them have already been reelected.
93. The palace attorney responsible for getting the charges dropped when you roll over your partner in your sleep just quit.
94. Everypony was already aware that it's the largest and hottest such portion of anatomy in the realm. The commemorative coin was overkill.
Luna
95. The Canterlot Royal Voice is not to be used during orgasms. Also, we're all deaf now. So thanks for that.
96. We are aware that if anypony makes one more 'world's most frigid mare' joke, you will freeze their genitals. Nopony's sure if you've spotted the irony.
97. In terms of your next period of interest, would you please explain if you meant "When the stars within my mane are in alignment" as a joke? There are ponies queued up forty deep outside the planetarium and the lead astronomer also just quit.
98. The palace no longer keeps Royal Concubines on retainer. We recognize your disappointment, but we were frankly getting a little tired of seeing pick-up artists use it as their primary excuse for trying to start harems.
99. You are still not permitted to kill anypony who asks if they can have sex with the Nightmare instead. However, in accordance with the law which you somehow got through the Night Court, non-fatal defenestration is now fine.
Cadance
100. You see it as 'a simple, casual explanation of just what being the Princess of Love can mean within a relationship.' The rest of us would like you to stop bragging.
101. Did you know your husband is a moron?
Other sapients:
"Donkeys: do not engage in pillow-talk unless you have a pre-filled prescription for antidepressants."
Somthing motivated this.
Also:
Twilight and Luna should have logically leveled Ponyville in Natural Ones
You're only three steps in and already you've killed me.
Whoa.
I just lost five followers.
...okay. I've had people leave over blogs before. It's possible that I offended five of them so badly as to make them all depart at once. It's slightly more probable that the site is running maintenance and cleaning out defunct & duplicate accounts.
So -- did anyone else just see their total drop?
Interspecies Reviewer, MLP edition.
Fuck me, just copy this and post it as a story! You'd be featured, guaranteed.
Snowflake
102. Yes, we know your cutie mark is for physical determination. Stop looking so smug.
I respectfully disagree.
This was actually one of Celestia's backup plans for Twilight.
Note: This applies in all universes, as Sandbar can no doubt attest.
Addendum: This one doesn't have a portal, they're not all they're cracked up to be, and they'd be ponies on this side regardless. Deal with it.
"Crossing Guard, we have a problem."
The head of the CDA sighed and looked up from his paperwork. "And water's wet. What..." He looked from the princess to the sapient at her side and back again. "That's a pony."
"Yes," said Luna. "That is part of the problem."
"In my defense..." Cloud Kicker trailed off. "Yeah, I got nothing."
One of them just keeps moving between the couch and the chair, and it's frankly kind of impressive.
I have multiple questions.
"It's part of his charm."
Hilarious stuff. Thank you for it.
5226617
I think I was at 84 before.
5226620
Can't: stories which consist of nothing except a list are generally banned. There are notable exceptions -- but for the most part, it's an automatic revoke.
For those who've forgotten and/or blocked it out of their memory, this is what 32 is referencing.
5226637
Well that's a dumb rule...
A most enjoyable read!
5226617
I seem to be the only one that cares, but you forgot to mention dragons in the interspecies part.
5226646
{Garble}"...and live!"{/Garble}
5226617
I just checked my own Followers list and there's still a bunch of the ones that have been crossed off or haven't been here since 2014.
Hate to say it, but it looks you just lost the followers.
That aside, this was really funny.
32. This Space Paidly For By Steath's Erotica Emporium at 19 Warmblood Way in Canterlot! Mention This List And Getly Ten Percent Off Your Next Purchase!
[Adult story embed hidden]
Did you know:
It is possible for this site to have different settings for different browsers?
Went crazy trying to find this story until it occurred to me to check if
"View Mature" was turned on
Did it occur to you
She didn't marry him for his brains
He is the Peter Griffin of the pony world
My favorite was probably the time travel one :p
Other Sapients: Minotaurs, Yaks, Buffalo, Kirin: While they have impressive Horns, They aren't there for "Something To Hold Onto". Nor are they to be used as a proportional yardstick for any other parts of their anatomy.
Furthermore: Female Minotaurs do NOT have Udders. Nor are they ever "In the Moo'd"
Oh, poor Cerea!
Though that's clearly not a problem she has to deal with in her own ficverse; in fact, she's probably better off.
5226658
Let's just say that "Shining Armor Is A Goddamn Moron" has multiple search results.
This was very funny. But you skipped the part about having a four-way with Ponkers, GlimGlam, and Purple Smart.
Wait, that's just my own personal fantasy.
Yes I would absolutely have sex with Pinkie Pie if given the opportunity.
And, I mean, she's pretty clearly a polyamorous pansexual switch, so she's probably always down for a good time.
oh, that was GREAT!
#7 reminded me a of a crazy gag in a short story...this will take some explaining...
it's a spin-off of the "friendship is optimal" stories, where a computer program called "CelelstAI" has taken over the world and turned everyone into virtual ponies in a virtual Equestria.
a girl who has recently "emigrated" is talking to a NPC AI (who was never human, she was created) who works at a...whorehouse.
the girl says she misses her family. the AI says:
"my name is Cum Bucket. CUM BUCKET. my cutie-mark talent is SUCKING COCKS. i'm actually GLAD i never had a family, can you imagine the kind of upbringing that implies?
(the girl giggles)
#26 reminds me of a silly comic strip i saw on E-Hentai where a dragon LITERALLY used a human as a sex toy! she grabbed him and shoved his HEAD up her clit!
edit:#59 reminded me of fan-character "lightning bliss". she REALLY hates being called cute!
and #93 reminded me of an other comic, it might have been part of the same story, involving a human and a Kangaroo. the kangaroo accidentally LAUNCHED the human THROUGH a wall!
i loved this, genuinely hilarious.
Put a gun to my head and force me to pick a favourite ...85
That was funny! Also a bit pointed, but at the right ponies.
Thank you for establishing some rules and guidelines. Hopefully, for Equestria's sake (and other ponies!) they will try to follow them.
Though, doctors and chiropractors need business, too. Along with therapists.
What does this mean?
It is certainly possible for a pony to become inspired during sex. Leaving in mid-act so you can spend six hours with your sketchbooks is getting very old.
Feeling so attacked RN.
Also very sad I can't fav and upvote blogs.
5226604
Me, actually.
I published this earlier today and made a comment in the site chat about "69ing." Estee riposted that ponies don't work that way, anatomically.
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I read every single one and not a THING on how the weather vane thing works
And if they are standing next to your icebox, you can kick them twice and throw out all the larger vegetables. Then kick them again.
Yeah, but he's one lucky moron, and has the stamina to keep up with Cadence, so he's doubly-lucky. It does discourage the ones who look at Twilight and consider the possibility, because if *both* siblings are at that level of stamina, getting her between the sheets could be fatal.
102:
Hello, today I'm your guest lecturer, and I'll be answering any questions you might have for the next five minutes. My name is Doorfucker.
5226734
5226737
Oh, you cannot BEGIN to pretend that this isn't your fault.
Oh. Well. That's interesting.
----
Ah ha! Finally got his name!
----
And this is awesome!
5226742
I'm a writer. If I was slightly less scrupulous about pretending things weren't my fault, I'd be a politician.
...I am wondering if this represents a shift in the wind for my site "legacy."
...well, at least it wasn't Aryanne.
Anyone who leaves you over this is an idiot, because this is comedy gold.
That being said, I'd love to see the bearers/princesses section being read to them in an actual story. By Discord. Acting as lawyer for the injured parties.
102: Discord. Yes, he has godlike power and can make you feel things literally beyond comprehension. First of all, no, terminal madness isn't worth it, and more importantly, this assumes that he's capable of considering how someone else feels in the first place.
I bet all my bits this is the contents of fan favourite character and discorded book given life Harem Fantasy.
I have no bits
I respectfully disagree; I think their body shape does.
derpicdn.net/img/2016/3/26/1117489/thumb.jpg
Is 49 a Zootopia reference?
5226728
Logically speaking, Twilight is an earth pony now. Whether she realizes this in time is left as an exercise for the writer.
5226655 Yes. I set them differently between my computers on purpose, thankXaqusegverymuch.
Those extradition laws against Saddle Arabia can be comforting.
Shining Armor isn't a moron. It's just that Cadance likes being the one to talk about things (or not) herself. Otherwise known as bragging.
But what if somepony wants Pinkie to change their dimensional position?
I'm guessing that all Twilight's experience has been with herself (except maybe for one time while she was a biped, but she's not talking if so.) She wants to pass the final exam before graduating to somepony else.
5226604
The castle absorbs most magical outbursts now with a great degree of success. Golden Oaks was grounded for much the same thing, to protect the books.
Blueblood
5226742 "Alloou! My name is Stienneigh! You killed my father! Prepare to play!"
5226737
You know... his character should really become a thing that comes back in multiple story.
First the Mane 6 or one of them suffer through the encounter with Door Fucker. Then, once they recover from the trauma, decide to share the horror and unleash him with good recommendation and a little bit of evil planning upon those who those who crossed them.
Like revenge against Marigold and her kissing boots.
Or Celestia and Luna when they dump a particularly sucky "mission" (read:unpleasant task they didn't want to do) on the bearers.
Wait, what? Why does this exist? How? Why? Wat.
I know it's Estee, but still.
5226675
I never said "Shining Armor is NOT a moron"
I said "Cadence did not marry him for his brains"
himbo [ˈhimbō] NOUN
informal
humorous
Wikipedia
Okay but... can one get a cutie mark for not having sex? Asking for a friend. He says he needs to know if he should hire a hooker just to make sure Virgo doesn't show up on his flank displayed to all the world.