The Stars Revolt: With Apologies to Mr. Python · 5:46pm Feb 24th, 2020
Andrew Shepherd, sole human in Equestria, was doing some work on a mare's boiler when the Cutie Mark Crusaders trooped up with a question. He looked over at them with a raised eyebrow.
Shepherd: "Huh? What do you mean 'who raises and lowers the sun on my world'?"
Applebloom: "Well, who does?"
Scootaloo: "We have a school report due on the Princesses, and so we thought maybe writing about alien princesses would get us an A!"
Sweetie Belle: "Which we really need!"
Shepherd: "Well... First off, nobody raises or lowers the sun on my world. My world goes around the sun, and the moon goes around the world."
CMCs: *GASP!*
Applebloom: "REALLY?!"
Scootaloo: "How?!"
Sweetie Belle: "Tell us!"
Shepherd: "Well..."
After a simplified explanation of how gravity works, the three fillies are happy and run off to write their reports. Shepherd shakes his head and chuckles, and gets back to his work.
Shepherd: "They're lucky they're so cute... Well hopefully that will get them an 'A'."
Later... At Shepherd's house, there is a knock at the door. He gets up and walks to the door. He opens it.
Shepherd: *sighs* "Good evening, what is it-" *Grabbed* "GAH!"
Smash cut to Shepherd tied up to a stake in Ponyville town square surrounded by ponies with pitchforks and torches
Ponies: "BURN THE WITCH!"
Pony 1: "HERETIC!"
Pony 2: "BURN HIM!"
Shepherd: "I'M NOT A WITCH! I SWEAR I'M NOT! YOU'RE THE ONES WITH MAGIC!"
Twilight Sparkle: "What the Tartarus is going on here?!"
Fluttershy: "Why are you trying to burn my coltfri-MY FRIEND at the stake?!"
Pony 1: "He's a witch!"
Pony 2: "He preaches false gospel about the sun!"
Pony 3: "And the moon!"
Pony 4: "And he bewitches our mares despite being a disgusting alien creature!"
Rarity: "... Well he does do that last one-"
Shepherd: "NOT HELPING RARITY!"
A friendly reminder that nobody involved with Monty Python's Flying Circus is actually named Monty Python. It also isn't a circus and doesn't fly, because what fun is there in making sense?
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I know. That's the joke.
Rest in peace, Mr. Jones. I went out and got 6 tins of Spam in his honor. (The basic spam is okay when it's used right. The hickory and jalapeno varieties are absolutely delish).
Better use the largest scales to test him against a duck.
Shepherd: "Listen! Mass is a property of matter and it warps space-time to create gravity!"
Lyra: "...Hmm, well, that would explain Princess Celestia."
Ponyvillians: "What!"
Lyra: "Well, she does have the nicest plot in all of ponydom, so it makes sense she controls the sun."
[Crowd becomes confused, eventually disperses]
Lyra: "Haha! Insane troll logic wins again!"
Shepherd: "I think it would have been better if they had burned me."
He turned me into a newt! ... ... ... I got better.
He’s not preaching heresy, he’s just a very naughty boy!
I always figured it'd shock the ponies to tell them about a heliocentric solar system like ours; never mind that it's apparently a freak even by the standards of our universe.
I don't think this was ever addressed in the show, but I wonder how the non-pony races handle knowing that the rulers of Equestria don't just have the ability to apply the usual sort of political pressure, they can apparently make sure your country never sees another sunrise until you play nicely?
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Mostly, they let themselves get talked out of starting a war with them. Because starting a land war in Asia only kills your own troops, but successfully taking over Equestria destroys the whole planet.
I still remain convinced that Equestria's geocentric system is the result of Discord's careless messing around during his first rule.