3am · 12:02pm Feb 19th, 2020
Three AM and I have been seeing each other lately. It's a strange, torrid affair that always makes me feel far more alone at the end of the day. It's a weird time where the only sound I hear is the soft whispers of my computer's fans trying to keep my ancient desktop from overheating, the high-pitched electronic buzz that comes from my monitor, and the soft click-clacking of my keyboard keys. I've found that 3am Pacific Standard Time also seems to fall precisely when my friends from around the world are less active, despite the literal globe spanning qualities the internet and small horses has provided to my varied and various friendships.
Three AM comes to me in two forms: the wolf, and the Nothing.
I'm honestly not sure which of her I prefer.
The wolf is there when I've been up for far longer than is reasonable, and she and I like to chat about all of the things in my life that have gone wrong. When nothing seems good enough, no progress or positive thing in my life seems to be enough to wash away the stains of my own inadequacies. The more that I am an unwilling player of Adventures in Depression, the world's worst MMO RPG (0/10 do not recommend. Worst isekai format ever), the more conversations I have with the wolf. The more hungrily she asks me to look at myself and ask if it is really worth it.
The Nothing comes when my body informs me that 4 hours of sleep is enough, unceremoniously dumps me out of fantastically vivid dreams into darkness and silence. That leaves an odd taste in my mouth, and a strange sense of unsettling that I only really feel in liminal spaces. The Nothing sits with me like Gautama Buddha under the Bodhi tree and asks for little but quiet reflection. The Nothing often makes me think of my friend, who in the course of his daily life sets aside an hour a day to remember. To remember things that had upset him, brought him joy, brought him sorrow, or brought him moments of reflection.
I'm ashamed to say that the Nothing often is more distressing for me to deal with. Sitting with the Nothing makes me want to flee for a thousand years until I have found the place where the heart of storms lives, and make my shelter there so the Nothing cannot find me.
Because I can deal with the wolf. I can laugh at her jokes about how one day she'll consume me when I'm at my weakest. I can stare her down while bearing a torch made of the flames of my own self-hate and tell her that if she wants to come closer, she will burn. More often than not, the wolf and I are simply frustrated companions; we deal with each other though sometimes we'd rather not.
The Nothing, on the other hand, rarely speaks. She rarely does more than ask 'Do you understand?', and gives me the same sad smile of autumn that comes when inexorably I reply that I do not. She wants me to stop and sit with myself, and only myself, and I hate that.
I fill my world with the emotions of others. Their hopes. Their fears. Their hurts. Their joys. Often so much so that I feel swallowed up in them like a charybdian maelstrom, but at least it gives me something to focus on. With the emotions of others draining me and in some cases feeding me, I can go for days without looking at myself. Dealing with myself. Being alone with myself.
You see, the Nothing wants me to focus on me, and that means picking painfully through the rotten heartwood of emotions to try to let the core of myself out a little more. The Nothing is perfectly fine with swinging a sledge into load bearing neuroses until I am left sitting spent in the ruins of whatever happens to be bothering me at the time. The Nothing brings me to the edge of the sea during a storm and asks if I think I am strong enough to calm it, and when I admit that I am not, it asks me then to simply sit and enjoy the wind and rain and emotions that fall in sheets.
And it is so very uncomfortable to do that.
Edit: I am fine, this is just me processing weird thoughts and feelings at 3am and kinda doing so in a way that feels right. I actually felt a lot better after writing this.
Packs hugs and plots course to PNW
*Hugs*
The Wolf is something that you have learned to control and fight against. You see it as the enemy that it is and know how to deal with it.
But I think you see the Nothing as an enemy as well. And though it could be, I think it only seeks to help give you a stronger spirit. It does have a different way of doing so but I think the intent is good.
You are a terrific person and a good pony, Heartshine. Always remember that truth.
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Reflecting on these blogs and stories and themes in my writing, I am still baffled by the fact that I'm not actually Buddhist. I just find many of the tenets calming. @.@ If, distressing. I try to not... see it as the enemy, but as a teacher. I think I just get a bit ODD with this particular teacher.
...Huh. Well, if you feel better, that’s what’s important. And remember The Nothing is not your enemy.
Is this an invitation to PM you at weird times more often? /s
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I've found I lean heavily toward Zen Buddhism, coming from a Discordian perspective. It helps deal with a lot of the vicissitudes of life.
A useful Discordian koan I've found when dealing with entities like The Wolf and The Nothing: "There is no enemy anywhere."
hello there. Since it's late here too now, and my perception around these hour sis fairly low, i do not have anything more inspirational nor intelligent to say, although wanted to mark my presence by writing this pointless comment anyway.
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you can PM on FiMf?!? how?
if that's the case (or at least any part of it) I'm usually online so if you want to, feel free to PM me or sth.. idk.
Not sure if my arms are long enough to reach from the base up here, but there's a hug incoming if I can stretch that far.
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ajfkaljekajwaflkenawlkfen Erm, thank you all. I... tried to add that edit about me being okay in there to assuage worries that I was like, losing it or something. I just have been finding that it's interesting to see the difference in the feeling of hitting 3am at different times, and plus I have weird thoughts on minor sleep deprivation.
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I wish I was more zen.
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So do I.
Hugs to you Heart, hugs.
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Weird thoughts on minor sleep deprivation, eh? As a fellow connoisseur, I'd like to hear those thoughts.
This is deep. Wow
This is such deep as the ocean and I think we probably have all have a moments when we are more like this for no reason. And happy that talk about it helps you to be more in your normal mood, it's for this reason a community is for gather people and support us.
Slightly worried about the text of the edit at the end there being crossed out? I hope you're still fine. Some of the comments seem to indicate such, but I'm not sure when they were made vs. the striking-through done.
In any case, though, while I'm sorry about the troubles of yours related in the subject and hope you can deal with them well, I did enjoy the prose here. :)
The Wolf... a interesting parable, is it not? Especially considering to what a wolf actually is. But that's for another discussion.
Of course it is. But have you ever asked her if she is really worth it. Your time, your consideration, your energy.
After all... she's just a thought
3am has all kinds of things going on with it. A relative that was a registered nurse for decades has told me before that 3-5 AM is when deaths start happening the most. When she was in a central location, in between hospital wings(PACU), people would code in rows on one wing. Then the hairs on the back of her neck would stand up, and the feeling would subside. Then people on an opposite wing would start to code. When she was in the cancer unit which had two rows separated by a long hallway, they would code first up one side of the rooms, then circle around and up the other side of the hallway. Then she'd start to hear codes at the nurse's station at the end of the unit, headed towards a different wing. Rows. Not clusters, not random.
Just making the rounds....