(2 of 2) The next big step in my life · 12:47pm Jan 12th, 2020
I might finally have a way out of this dead end I’ve found myself stuck inside of for so long that I’ve considered it my personal purgatory.
Reluctantly but with no other choice, along with fear that I’d shag up my life, as my dad puts it, I’ve decided to go to my last resort and arranged a meeting at the job centre where I’m going to be put on dole. I’m not really that happy about it, seeing as it feels like the second I get an occupation, I’ll no longer be able to do what I want to do as a dream career and it’ll tear everything that I want away from me, just like every other time I’ve wanted to do something for myself.
My entire life, I’ve done nothing for myself because I’ve been guilt-tripped into doing stuff for other people. Maybe it’s just me, but my stupid conscience doesn’t let me live it down without bearing the weight of the guilt, which is a horrible burden. I left school making a personal vow that I’d stop answering to anybody else other than myself, to the point where I’d rather die than be told what I can or can’t do. I don’t like being restrained, because when I do, I can easily lash out, and I have done it before.
I hate the idea of being intimidated by a fat cat, getting nervous because I don’t want to screw up and be yelled or screamed at, and I certainly panic that I’ll do something catastrophic that’ll leave a black mark on my permanent record. All I’ve ever wanted to do was live my life easy and free, do what I want each day and record music to get my thoughts and ideas out there. I don’t want that to be taken away from me, the one huge thing in my life that makes me very happy. I wouldn’t give up music for anything, so with the idea that it could be stripped from me and I get my hopes up truly makes me sick and hurt.
On the bright side, this is a chance to get some real income, have a steady payroll, to get me away from my home situation. It’s not as bad as most people think in regards to previous blogs, especially towards my dad. He’s done more for me and my brother than I’ve mentioned, so believe me when I say dad does support me as his son, but he’s one of those ‘tough love’ types, you know, the kind who does care but won’t admit it openly because of that ‘macho man’ stereotype scheme going on. Not helpful at times, but I know he wouldn’t leave me hanging.
I don’t particularly want to find myself in another dead end with no way out, which has been the path most of my life choices have led me down, but I also want an opportunity to be happy. Maybe I’ll find influence for my music, perhaps I’d let love back into my life, maybe I’d even end up caring about others enough that I’ll trust humans like I used to. In any event, I only want to find happiness again and to get my life on-track where it should be.
You know, it’s strange - I’ve always imagined myself working in a music shop, like the new one that opened up literally next door to my house, but I’m unbelievably shy from what I let on. I wanted to clarify that for you, to make sure you didn’t get the wrong impression of me. I’m definitely not a whiner or anything along those lines, but the only thing I’ve wanted was to remember what my family life was like when I was about three-years-old. The kind of happiness, security, confidence and innocence I felt back when my family was whole and nothing was inherently wrong.
If I get anything out of this, if I get a potentially full-time work placement that’ll earn me enough to get out of my house to get my own place, the first thing I’m going to do is start up my YouTube channel again. I’ve made an announcement about it, so the details are on my channel. I want to record my music, start up a band and go as far as I can with it, make a name for myself out there. I don’t want to leave any regrets behind, and I especially don’t want to fall flat on my face due to my pain-in-the-ass depression and newly-found anxiety, which I never suffered with until recently when I had a bit of a mental breakdown.
I’ll still be hanging around the place, sure, but I don’t know where I’m going to end up this year. Hopefully, a fresh start and the beginning of my independence that’ll get me away from my troubles and all of the things that make me anxious, nervous, hurt, scared or tentative. I’ve got dreams I want to make a reality and live, so I can’t hang around here. I want to do what none of my family have done before and take a shot at making it big in the music industry. That way, I’ll at least go to whatever awaits for me knowing I did my best and gave it my all.
(PS - My motivation comes in the form of a 1955 Ford Thunderbird in turquoise blue. That and being able to help my family out financially. I don’t really want much else than that. If I can achieve any of that, then I’ll be happy.)
In any event, I’ll stay in touch and I’ll let you all know what’s going on when I get news on what can be done. I can honestly say for real now that I’m hoping that my years in that hellhole of a school I went to left me with some useful qualifications, otherwise, as my dad likes to say, ‘’I’ll be up Crappy Creak.’’
Adieu, Brethren. I’ll see you on the other side.
Peace, love, empathy,
With love, from England,
- FireRain / Ribe. 💛
I just read the previous blog and this one. I hope you find a solution that makes things go well, I can't imagine this kind situation
5185077
I'm trying to work my way out of it right now, going to my local job centre, anything to get my life going right like it should have been long ago. None of this is really that fair on me, but it makes me laugh that yet I get called selfish by people that drag me back from getting my life started so I can afford a living. You know, like I don't have a life to live, that I should stay and constantly be stuck in the same house living a dead-end routine for them when I shouldn't be doing it in the first place! It's like they want me to fail so they can be selfish and keep me for themselves so I can do menial tasks.
Well, I'm afraid that's not how it works. I don't appreciate being treated like that. Sad part is that it's someone that I'm very close to, so it is beating the living crap out of me knowing I have to leave them to get my life sorted out so I can support myself financially and keep myself alive. But what are ya gonna do? I can't stick around forever, can I? And how could I be expected to???
5186193
I wish you luck, everyone needs a life of their own and their independence. Keep going no matter what the others say