• Member Since 27th Jul, 2011
  • offline last seen Monday

Andrew Joshua Talon


A fellow traveler...

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Dec
21st
2019

The Stars Revolt! Human versus Tirek · 5:59am Dec 21st, 2019

While Tirek rampaged around Equestria, the Mane 6 needed to buy some time. And there was only one being in all of Equestria that couldn't be drained of his magic, since he didn't have any. Of course, Twilight Sparkle would never let her beloved... Human research assistant go out on his own into danger. So she had forbade him from doing it.

This obviously didn't work...

Fluttershy: *Staring across the landscape, her eyes going wide in horror* "Oh no... SHEPHERD!"

Twilight: "What?! Shepherd isn't out here! He couldn't possibly-I told him no!"

Dash: "And he listened to you this time?!"

Twilight: *Looks and stares* [i"]SHEPHERD!!!"

Shepherd was walking right up to Tirek, smiling at the gigantic ripped centaur. Tirek sneered at him, and raised his hand.

Tirek: "Give me your magic!"

His aura flared... And... Absolutely nothing happened. Tirek blinked, and strained harder.

Tirek: "This... This usually works...!"

Shepherd: "Well, performance issues aren't uncommon in males of your age. Four out of five..."

Tirek: *Furious* "You dare-?!"

Shepherd: "Okay, first? One minute of your time. All I ask."

Tirek: "... Very well. Speak!"

Shepherd: "I get it: You want to drain all the magic to go back home and claim the throne. I get that you got a raw deal. I understand that. This? This is not how to solve any of those problems. You just keep devouring magic and you'll end up ruling over a dead world. All alone, with no one to blame but yourself. You don't have to go that route, Tirek. You can stop, right now. Return the magic. And maybe see what your brother saw in creatures-Beyond them being meals. In other words, Tirek! I've come to bargain."

Tirek: "You come to bargain?! HERE IS WHAT I THINK OF YOUR BARGAIN!" *He backhands Shepherd, snapping his neck and shattering his bones as he crashed into a boulder*

Mane 6: "SHEPHERD!!!"

Just before they can rush to try and save him... A black dome appeared over where the two figures were, for an instant. Then everything... Was just as it was before. Shepherd walking up to Tirek.

Dash: "What in the-?!"

Shepherd: "Tirek! I've come to bargain!"

Tirek: "You...!" *He blinked* "Wait... What just happened?!"

Shepherd: "Don't you know? All that magic, but not an ounce of brains."

Tirek: "DON'T YOU MOCK ME!" *He fired off a beam of magic that vaporized Shepherd... The black dome appeared... And everything went back to the way it was before*

Shepherd: "Tirek! I've come to bargain!"

Tirek: "YOU... WHAT IS GOING ON?!"

Shepherd: "Why don't you kill me again? Bet it went really well last time-"

Tirek again grabbed Shepherd, and smashed him... And again, everything went dark, and reset.

Shepherd: "Tirek! I've come to bargain!"

Tirek: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THERE IS NO MAGIC ON YOU! AT ALL!"

Shepherd: "Oh, that? That's simple. I don't have any magic. At all."

Tirek: "YOU LIE! TELL ME! TELL ME OR-!"

Shepherd: "Or what? You'll kill me again? Go for it. See what happens."

It takes about five more times before Tirek tries demanding answers. By grabbing Shepherd and hefting him up.

Tirek: "WHAT IS THIS?!"

Shepherd: "Well, if you must know... I'm wearing a heart rate monitor. It's radio linked to a little electronic device that makes things turn. And attached to this machine is a little device my cute alicorn girlfriend came up with after reading Harry Potter. It's called a time turner."

Tirek: "WHAT?! TIME MAGIC?!"

Shepherd: *Grins* "Yep! Every time my heart stops-Or the signal is interrupted-The time turner gets turned. And anything within range gets sent back in time."

Tirek: "YOU...! I'll just find it! I'll destroy everything around here!"

He unleashed a massive area effect blast... The black dome appeared again, and once again...

Shepherd: *Cheerfully* "Tirek! I've come to bargain! Oh, and you can't destroy the device without killing me."

Tirek: "HOW?! YOU-!" Tirek immediately turned and tried to bound away... But the magic time turner reset, and he was right back where he started "STOP IT! STOP THIS NOW!"

Shepherd: "Also, it's set to reset time at set times. As long as I want it to. And speaking of..."

Tirek: "WAIT DON'T-!"

RESET!

Shepherd: "Tirek! I've come to bargain!"

Tirek: "YOU... WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! We could rule together! You have no magic-You have nothing to fear from me. I could make you ruler over this land!
Anything you want!"

Shepherd: "Hmmm... Tempting, but see. There's a problem. The mares I love? They live in this land, and if you drain it of magic? They die. As would my kids. You see... I'm a father, and a husband, and a friend. To everypony here. So no, sorry."

Tirek: "You... You will be trapped here! With me! For all eternity! Never to see them again!"

Shepherd: "Yeah, that sucks. But you know what sucks even more? You getting free of this trap to terrorize them. Oh, and speaking of traps-"

Tirek: "WHAT?! NO-!"

RESET!

Shepherd: "Tirek! I've come to bargain!"

Fortunately this time, Twilight and the rest of the Mane 6 had unlocked the Rainbow Power, and ascended to Alicornhood. So they kicked the shit out of Tirek really good. Afterwards though...

Twilight: "Andrew! What in Tartarus were you thinking?!"

Shepherd: *sighs* "Look... It was the only thing I could think of that could distract him long enough. You don't want to know how hard it was to pair that heart rate monitor with the electric motor!"

Fluttershy: "You were willing to lock yourself in an eternal time loop with Tirek, dying over and over, just to keep us all safe?"

Shepherd: "Well... Yeah. But I was confident you'd all get the Rainbow Power and save us. Look: I'm the distraction. I can't shoot magic deathrays, fly at supersonic speeds, buck a tree, break reality, Stare things into submission, or make awesome clothing."

Pinkie: "I don't break reality! I just bend it a little. It's good as new soon after!"

Shepherd: "But what I can do? Is let the real heroes do what they need to do. All of you. And if that means locking myself in a time loop and dying a lot? Then I'll do that."

Dash: "IDIOT! You think we like seeing you die over and over?!"

Shepherd: "Of course not! And I'm sorry... But well, that was the card I had to play. And it worked, didn't it?"

Rarity: "You are the stupidest, most self sacrificing, most stubborn moronic ape I've ever had the misfortune to love!"

Shepherd: "I know. I love you all too. But believe me... I didn't go into that to die. I went in there because I had so much to live for... All of you."

A group hug ensued... And Shepherd began to glow. All the mares backed off, staring, as Shepherd's hair turned bright white, his wounds vanished, and a halo appeared over his head.

Twilight: "... Shepherd... What is that?!"

Shepherd: "... Well... I think I just ascended."

Dash: "So... You won't die of old age while we continue on?"

Shepherd: "I... Guess not?"

Applejack: "An' you'll survive matin' wit six alicorns without dyin' if we don't hold back?"

Shepherd: "I'm actually not sure about that-"

Twilight: "Time to find out! I'M FIRST!"

Shepherd: "I'm amazed I didn't see this coming, but I'm more amazed how calm I am about it-" KERPOUNCE! "UWAH!"

Comments ( 10 )

Love the Doctor Strange part, exactly what he should have done. And of course the mix of tech and magic generally* leads to awesome results. And, as always, the comedy is great.
*I say generally because it can also lead to useless stuff. It all depends on who's making it. This was a triumph.

5172713
I'm marking it down: "GREAT SUCCESS!"

I have to say I do enjoy this parody, keep it up! I can’t see the name Shepard without thinking of Mass Effect though.

5172745
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction!

Fortunately this time, Twilight and the rest of the Mane 6 had unlocked the Rainbow Power, and ascended to Alicornhood.

That's actually a really interesting question, same as with Sunset in Friendship Games: What might have happened if they'd gone super mode without having their magic drained first?

And I can only imagine the other princesses' reaction when they see what came of this.

Shepheard has now attained Ultra Instinct!

Is it wrong that I can't help picturing the halo appearing with a little cartoon DING? It's probably wrong. Don't care.

I love it! I hope this is the cannon ending. :pinkiecrazy:

This is far and away the best 'alternate defeat of Tirek' story I've ever seen on the site. Not least for the Dr. Strange scene!

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