Time to Settle This

Hey, guys, it’s me. Now, this is something that I guess I always knew I had to do, but I was always anxious about it. It’s not an easy thing for me to talk about. And what a day to do it, right? My birthday is just two days away and today is my brother’s birthday. Not sure what he’s doing right now. But I can feel it in my heart; it’s time to finally settle this and get it off my chest.

Now, those of you who have been following me for a while now know that there was a reason why I stayed out of this sight for over a year and even now rarely am on it. And you probably also recall that there were many issues I was dealing with at the time. To be honest, I believe it was for the best to get away from the site. It was no longer a healthy environment for me at all or for those close to me. I had to be driven away; I had to be pushed too far because that was the only way I would let go.

Of course, that doesn’t ease the pain of what happened. The feeling of abandonment and betrayal by people who made just as many mistakes as I did is not something that can be brushed off. And I will be the first to say that I made mistakes.

It was almost three years ago that I first arrived on here. And in that time, I’ve made many mistakes and have had to learn many things the hard way, both on this site and out of it. I was naive and too optimistic, and I was reckless. I made many decisions that I regret making and I’ve said many things I would love to take back. I clung onto things and relationships that I should’ve left be.

I can say that I never pretended that I didn’t do wrong. I was always willing to admit to it and try to make up for it when I could. And didn’t always realize my misstep immediately or by myself; sometimes I had to be called out on it.

Maybe he was right when he said I was toxic. I had good intentions, but I was still toxic. I was too naive to see it.

But I learn from my mistakes and I’ve done a lot of growing. In the end, it’s all a learning experience. I’ve done my best to improve as a person and apply what I’ve learned, and I’ve forgiven myself for my mistakes because all the matters is what I do now and what I’ve learned from the past.

And I’ve done my best to forgive my former friends. I’ve done my past to forget the slandering and the lies, and I have made progress. I won’t pretend that I’m totally over it; the hurt and the anger have lingered; but scars fade away. You just have to look past it. And despite my often angry thoughts, I do wish them well and I hope they’ve grown as people too. That’s not to say I would be friends with them again. Whether they still hate me or not, it doesn’t really matter. Even if they apologized, I doubt I would believe them. But still, I wish them well and I will continue to forgive. Hatred is a choice and it only hurts yourself.

I don’t regret coming to this site despite what happened. It was harsh lesson, but one I needed to learn. And beyond that, good things have come from this site. I’ve gained experience as an author and a critic, I’ve learned social skills that I was admittedly behind in, and I’ve met good people here, including my bestest friend who I can’t imagine life without now. They’ve helped me grow so much.

I’ve made my apologies and now I’ve made my peace. Thank you for reading and I hope you all are having a lovely holiday season.

Comments

[Temnizziv]

Good to see you're doing better.