November Update · 2:04pm Dec 2nd, 2019
I debated on whether or not to do one of these again. I don't really have anything positive to say and nothing has really gotten better over the past two months, but I figure enough time has passed that everyone has mostly stopped caring anyway. I guess I'll give you guys something since I haven't been able to be all that active.
This has been a really terrible year in retrospect. Lost both of my grandfathers, couldn't achieve any of my goals after ending up depressed again, got abandoned by my closest friend, and got fired from my job after a failed suicide attempt. Feels like everything just always gets worse. I do my best to improve so these things stop happening, so that people will actually want me in their lives and I might actually have a decent direction in life, but somehow it always comes back to this--always even worse than it was before. What is there to wait for? To see how much more I can lose before I've finally had enough? Seems like that's all that life's become. Just trying to recover before the next major loss and subsequent crippling depression.
Every day I feel myself growing more and more distant from the world. I feel like a ghost, like I shouldn't be here anymore. The connections I'd made to the world before feel severed. I can't connect with people like I used to anymore. I feel rude for almost brushing people off when they tried to talk to me, but maybe it's better to just save them from the pain of having to try to be near me. Not even my closest friends throughout the years could stand being around me. Maybe that's just the conclusion to all this that I've been putting off, that I'm doomed to a constant state of isolation because of whatever is inherently wrong with me. Whether it's depression, my inability to connect with people, or some weird personality failure, I don't know. If the few people in the world I thought I truly mattered to decided their lives were better off without me, I can't imagine why it'd ever be different anywhere else. Just another disposable, replaceable cog in the machine... and this one doesn't even work right in the first place. I guess I went over why I didn't want to be here anymore enough in my suicide note. Just kinda pissing in the wind at this point.
This is kinda why I don't want to post these anymore. I really don't have anything positive on my mind. When I put my hands to the keyboard all I can think about is how horribly everything has gone, how worthless I ended up being to the world. Everything has always just gotten worse, and I've grown so disassociated from the rest of the world that the only emotion that really gets to me anymore is that familiar sting of all the failures I've brought upon myself. It's been like this for years now. I imagine everyone is growing real tired of my annoying monologues about how horrible life is. Usually best to just keep quiet, suffer in silence so nobody has to deal with you. You either get over it yourself or it kills you, honestly.
Whatever, life a shit. I'm still here. Here's an update. I'm still a miserable lump. Hope you guys are doing better than I am.
Discord Server if you want to come hang out: https://discord.gg/vSRcxan
My Discord if you'd like to talk to me directly about something: Holy#4599
Thanks to my patrons: Knoster, Liger Storm, JrWubMaster, X865, Lucky Seven, and two currently anonymous donors.
Patreon link if you'd like to help me out: https://www.patreon.com/Holy
All the best to you
You know, even if you feel like you don't have anything positive to say, sharing your thoughts and feelings with us is something. I don't really know how cathartic it really is, but we do still care. Some of us are not great at checking in, but we do have our door open.
NO ONE IS WORTHLESS!!!!!
5163244
Agreed Wanderer
Holy don’t give up there’s always light even in the darkest of thoughts.
Hang in their Dude.
Oh, fuck dude. I don’t comment on your stuff frequently but I do worry about you a lot of the time Holy like when I’m at work or looking for fics that can keep my attention like some of the old ones could. If you don’t mind me asking where did you work and can you post updates on you ideal next places of employment for us. I was pretty depressed too, still am but getting a job helped wonderfully with that. I felt like a burden on my family before but now am a little peeved none of my money actually goes to me because my mom is a fucking retard who is very irresponsible with money and needs all my paychecks to keep the house a float. If you would be interested in something to distract you from for a while on YouTube there are some videos you can watch.
Everyone cares about you here I know things don't seem real but every one here cares. I would say that a lot of people are your friends here.
5163250
I would recommend the Down the Rabbit Hole series, the PCP lecture series, and the KiwiFarms streams for some internet nonsense and degeneracy to keep you occupied and see what how if you actively tried to be the worse person in terms of quality you wouldn’t come close to some of the people featured in these videos. Hope things turn around for you Holy, you really deserve it.
Holy we love you, and we are going to be by your side no matter what. I know you don't like doing these posts, because it makes you feel worse, but it also helps us know that how you're feeling and if you need help from us or not. Things may be going bad for you but as long as you keep writing to us and letting us know how you feel, we'll be there to listen, and to Stand By Your Side
I'm sorry to hear that things have been so tough for you. And don't ever be afraid of saying what's on your mind, even if it's just a good old fashioned primal scream. We all need to do that from time to time.
I'm glad that you updated. I'm glad that you're still with us.
Wanderer D said it best. That aside, it’s still good to hear from you.
It's a new year coming up, hopefully things will get better. We'll still be here for you regardless though.
It may come off as insensitive, but my suggestion would be to - if you don’t have one already - try and find a therapist to talk these things out with, and a psychiatrist to help with the medical side of things.
And venting at all is better than letting it fester and stew inside you. Whether it be here, on another website, or even in a private diary/journal.
And since misery loves company, here’s something from me.
I lost my dad to a heart attack on Oct 29th. He’d had two other heart attacks previously, but this is the one that kicked his ass. The doctors couldn’t get him stable enough to do any work; and even if they could have helped him survive the heart attack, they did so many chest compressions and shocks that they were worried about how his brain would react to being starved of oxygen.
He always told my mom that he never wanted to be that suffering patient that was hanging by a thread, so she respected his wishes and had the doctors pull the plug.
If I have one regret in regards to my dad, it’s that I feel like I failed him as a son. I didn’t fight my Aspergers-influenced impulse to verbally lash out under stress and lost a good job at Walgreens, I gave up on my natural ability to play guitar, and I never truly became independent.
Now I have to be around for my mom. She’s been hit by this the hardest (she’s 48 and was married to my dad for 30 years), and I don’t know how to help her outside of just being a shoulder to cry on. A son should be able to take care of his mother should she ever be widowed, and I can’t even take care of myself. And if it wasn’t for the emotional devastation it would inflict on her and my best friend, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore.
So yeah. You’re not the only one who feels like an unnecessary burden.
What would this world be if all people were the socially accepted normal?
Some say perfect.
Others say, 'it will never happen so why bother thinking of it?'
I say that such a world is worth thinking of...but as paradise?
Nay.
Such a world would be a nonprogressive hell.
For it is through the overcoming of adversity that progress is achieved.
Though your life may seem bleak at present, strength and progress await you at this trials end.
You are loved, Holy.
Remember this.
And persevere.
5163244
Yeah no matter what WE are you’re friends in all but name
That voice in your head that's telling you that you're worthless, it's fucking lying! Your a great fanfic writer and I'm sure that there's plenty of things that your good at. Everybody has a reason to be on this Earth, even the assholes.
As many people here have said WE all still care about you. It is good to hear from you. Hang in there my friend!
Stay strong friend don’t let the devil try to take you please.
Wanderer is right, let your feelings out. We love hearing from you. We will be here for you when the news isint great, and will cheer you on when then news is good. Just hang in there, one step at a time. Even if it doesnt seem like it from your perspective, you have friends on this site.
Stop berating yourself. No one here does and the only one I see hating you is yourself.
It may be harsh, but if our words and what we did does not convince you that people truly do care about you then perhaps some harshness will.
Depression is like a blanket over one's head, it clouds the vision and it makes one's personality hostile. I would bet on that it is your depression that directly or indirectly causes all our problems right now. So you should try and focus on one thing right now: getting rid of your depression. It will be hard, it will take time, but we wont go anywhere and when you are better... Well, how much do you want to bet?
holy, each one of us here reading your stories, following your activity, and replying to your content is a friend that you can count on and you have a lot of them holy. so don't give up on yourself because we sure won't. and one more thing.
I greatful to hear from you. I care about you. We aren't going anywhere. We are here for you.
... Push on?
Yep.
Still not good with the words.
Life is unpredictable. And as time goes along it can get either better or worse. Hold some hope.
Hey, I know it's a cliche, but it gets better.
And really, if things are as bad as you say, it can only get better.
You just gotta hang in there and see it through.
Don't forget that you don't have to do it alone.
You have more friends here than you realize.
Including me.
We do still care about you. Time passing won't change that. I'm sorry that you lost your job after all that happened, and I know you're tired of picking yourself back up, but you have to keep trying. As long as you don't give up, life will get better someday, and you'll be so glad that you didn't throw in the towel. All of us are here whenever you need to vent. It doesn't matter if all you have to say is doom and gloom. We hate seeing you so depressed. We want to help you feel happy any way we can.
- ha, I feel nearly the same! But then I tried (and failed :( ) to save captive dolphins in my life ... May be you still have something important to do in yours ...
Having 'nothing positive' is not such big crime - I for example tend to think whole world a bit too optimistic for being sane ..... But absolute pessimism hardly will change this.
keep posting, at very least you have this talent with words and sentences (i don't, in any language)
We haven’t stopped caring about you, Holy.
And we never will stop.
Stay strong and carry on.
This might sound a little insensitive and obvious but difficult to follow through with, but if you want people to start wanting to be around you, then you need to change. Being sad sure isn't going to help. It's not easy, but if you can get people to like you once more, then you can start feeling better about yourself and life, which will probably in turn make you more likable, and so on and so forth. It's like what you're going through in reverse. Why continue down this downroad spiral when you can go up?
I wish I knew how to help you feel better. But my DMs are always open if you want to rant and vent, and you have my Discord. Things can get better at any time. Sometimes these really rough times just happen. There are plenty of people out here who care about you.
STAY STRONG YOU WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING!! I know life can be tough... lost my grandfather, a few weeks before I graduated from high school, to stage 4 cancer. Went to a mental hospital before that. Its gotta be shit before it gets better and trust me, it'll get better. Life likes to fuck with us but we gott stay strong and carry on. Honor the dead as if they were still living. You've got a huge following that will help you when you need it. Stay strong Holy and someday things will come around for you.
https://youtu.be/k6C8SX0mWP0
"Knocked down seven times? Get up eight times."
I follow this as a big F U to the world in general when it tries to bring me low.
Sarah Conner also gave me inspiration with the whole "No Fate but What WE Make" quote in T2.
I also surround myself with music and literature that is all about perseverance and persistence in the face of adversity.
Heh... most of the fanfic stories about Sunset Shimmer herself persevering through all the bad have helped me out tremendously.
Hell, I know I need all the help I can get sometimes to make it through the day.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is ask for others to help me. It doesn't feel right and sometimes I feel despondent having to even ask. But it gives me the chance to possibly pay it forward in the future if i cannot pay back the ones who helped me.
Just wanting to throw in my learned lessons. Take care!
Uh... I don't see a lot of "stopped caring" going on around here. Perhaps you should re-evaluate your perceptions? You are valued, for me it's pretty plain to see, but then I am standing on the outside and that makes it much easier for me.
I heard about your post back when, read it, and some of the subsequent follow ups by others. It was amazing to see folks come together like that, so, really, honestly?
It seems to me that you are the one forgetting, and you needn't do that. As you can see, folks will remind you.
I don't know you well, but that's okay, there's time to learn and get to know you. I wouldn't mind that.
But, also, are you talking to anyone? It sounds to me like you need help, and yes, I do mean professional. And I only say that because folks in that profession generally know the best paths to travel for answers and, ultimately, positive guidance. I'm not talking about medication or anything like that, medicine helps only until it doesn't help, because we get used to the stuff we put in our bodies over time.
But talking, it does help. It's not fast, not a miracle cure, but helps. You state, often, how alone you feel.
There are currently 34 comments before I post this one, DragonxFlutter beat me to this primary part of my suggestion, but that just means I'm not the only one thinking of this.
5163516 Now, out of 34 comments, they have all been positive. And this one I'm quoting? It's not wrong either, but that'll be at your pace and it looks to me like you'll have support to get there.
And Wanderer D is right too, even with the negativity prevalent in your blog it is still good to put this out there. But no one here is qualified to help you through this in any way more than being supportive, offering encouragement, and continuing to listen at these times.
Good times, bad times, we'll roll with you every step of the way.
Take care, Holy.
I don't know yet, not yet, but I'm here for you.
I have been gone for a long time so I have little idea what has happened, but from the looks of it, plenty of people still care for you.
5163337
He's right. We all care about you so frickin much. Don't ever forget that. ❤️