Atychiphobia, it's driven my life · 7:12pm Nov 26th, 2019
Oh man... maybe this isn't the best place for this but anywhere else and my family will find it. It's not a major issue, it's minor compared to what others feel and go through but I need to say it, write, get it off my chest in some way. Feel free to just scroll past, I just needed to write this out, for myself.
First off, what is atychiphobia? Well, fear of failure, of not being good enough. I don't really know where it started or why but it's impacted everything and drives me down a spiral when things go wrong. I'm in college right now, at 19 and for the first time in my life everything is crashing around me, I don't know what's going on. I'm failing classes and that worry won't go away, that stupid nagging voice in my head won't shut up. "Maybe you aren't good enough" and it's my voice, I think that's what hurts the most, that it's me, not my parents, not my teachers, me.
I nearly gave up on writing because I'm not good enough, I've all but lost inspiration for The Last Warrior. I've given up so many times before based on a stupid fear that shouldn't even matter. I've let this dictate what I do, how I do it and why I do it, for so long. It's hard you know? Talking to those in your life, maybe that's why I can post this without worry or fear. I've been afraid of disappointing my parents for so long, afraid of disappointing my friends, my peers and everyone that so much as knows my name. Afraid of letting myself down, of being that idiot everyone thought I was as a kid.
I was called gifted. I was told I was special, they wanted to separate me from classmates. Why? Why did that matter? Back then I had no idea what it meant but as I learned what they meant the impact it would have on my life grew and now I look back on those years and hate everyone who said that. I can't think of myself as smart, I'm just a kid who knows things he'll never need.
I struggle to put in the effort for school because what if I'm not actually as smart as teachers thought I was back in primary school? What if I'm just a normal kid? I have my passions but when it comes to school no matter how passionate I am I just can't do it. I love writing, I love space, I love tech and I love accounting, so why am I failing at accounting? In what world was this aloud? In what world did we put so much weight on the opinions of others that they could crush our own?
I'm not afraid of disappointing my parents, not anymore. I'm not afraid of disappointing my friends, they'll be there for me regardless. I'm afraid of letting myself get my hopes up, of being useless. I owe my government 4 grand in student loans now and I have no idea how worthwhile that was. Fear dictated me hitting this point and it is fear that will ultimately crush me, not the debt, not the failures. Fear is a powerful motivator but it can crush us just as easily.
If you've read this, thank you and sorry. I'm sorry I wasted your time.
My name is Aidan, but call me Dusk, at least he hasn't failed yet.
... Aiden..... First off welcome to the motherfucking gifted minds club, we accept all those whose minds work in a manner considered "unusual but socially functional" by both medical and legal standards. I my self have adhd autism schizophrenia depression paranoia and anger issues that cause me to be in a state of passive aggravation.
Seriously though, i have an idea of what you're going through.... The thing about life is.... We can't let fear control us. I said i have paranoia, among many other things but just calling me paranoid is like calling Hitler a jerk. It's generally accurate... But getting to the nitty-gritty of it... Understatement doesn't even begin to describe it. However, i have learned to at least keep it from controlling me to the point where i'd be sleeping with a gun near my bed and a twitchy trigger finger.
If i can do that over 23 years of bullshit going wrong with genuine happy moments few and at minimum months apart... I am confident you can at least try to conquer your fear
Btw you think one voice saying you may not be good enough is worrying? Try having 5 or 6 DOZEN all either telling you to go to the kitchen and eat or to FUCKING END IT...
And all of them sound like the voices of those you love....
5199608
Alright, two things.
One, Thank you for your input, your right I can get through this (Progress was made, after 3 years of searching I got a job) and yeah, anything is possible for those stubborn enough, or determined enough. I can't say anything about your story as I don't know it but I do know that those that struggled and pushed through are always stronger than those that haven't.
Two, How did you find this? I thought it'd been buried by site history at this point, or did you actually just find me?
and well, your right, many voices is worse but for me if it'd been the voices of my family I, personal, could ignore it because they'd never think that, I know they wouldn't, they made sure I knew they were with me but I can't convince myself that my own voice is wrong. This is definitely not the case for everyone
5199805
I am quite the fan of your story the last warrior.... And subsequently decided to check your blogs for a reason for the lack of updates and.... I think you can figure out the rest