Some Critiques on Writing Romance | [1] Laundry Lists Confessions · 3:05am Nov 26th, 2019
For the client that is reading this now, the one wonderful and witty, cheeky and bitchy, capable of not only pulling my chain but then holding me upside down: this blog honours you with a quip you spoke in jest that has forever remained the truth of my current existence.
I get more girls off with my prose than my penis. Those words were said with a gentle laugh; my laughter chased after them with tears following in hot purists. Sadly for me—but gladly for the rest of the populace—I've no experience for romance either.
And yet. Both are still written. With a blissful ignorance.
Perhaps this offers me a different way of going about it? What and how I think romance is, fantasy and reality merging somewhere down the middle? The heart of the cards most likely sees me keeping to myself for a very long time. The kind of time until I am dead.
But I've made peace with that.
What follows below are specific criticisms—which, perhaps, can be read as tips—on the subject of romance from yours truly. They are contemplated in isolation and with the lack of experience. There is a good reason for this.
Trying to discuss the elements of romance with your bros will either cause mocking or a terrible discussion. There is simply no winning either way so the best way to win is not to play. But in order to spice things up. Take the following words not with a grain of salt, but rather, have an eyebrow raised during the reading thereof.
With this long and pointless introduction of the way.
Let's get this romantic bread, gang.
“Twilight oh Twilight!” said the unlikely words of Rainbow Dash, unless coerced or in jest, done with subtle anger or holding back humour. If not one of the above then Out of Character is to be sure. “I have fallen in love with you!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “But why! Why love me!”
“Please allow me to read you this laundry list!” Rainbow produced a scroll from the fluff of her chest, knocking a tiny dragon from the cyan forest of her tuft. “It is the glow of your eyes! The way you sometimes smile! How you're kind to ponies! You don't give too much trouble for books overdue because you know that ponies are so swept up in the act of reading.”
Twilight growled. “Or they forgot they took out a book in the first place!
Aaaaaaand CUT!
Alright. That's enough. Everyone off the set—and take five! Direct the camera on me for a second. The DVD needs content for the 'bonus' section, after all. This thing rolling? Don't stop until I shut up.
Anyway.
I can't proclaim to know the fundamental reasons why people fall in love—beyond the science behind it, which can make it scary to ponder—but I assure you laundry lists are not probable causes. What is a laundry list I hear you ask?
It's the point in the plot, either when the character falls in love or confesses their love, that the reasons for such a thing now needs to be explained. It's when a character nearly reads off a list of nearly irrelvant qualities of a character.
Like the glow of their eyes. Or how they're always kind. That one time they helped them out. Or how nice of an ass they have.
(Should we discount that last one from the rant? Wait. My thoughts are being filmed too? Agh! Stop rolling!)
Point of the matter is not that the laundry list is terrible, but rather, it's nothing but telly. It holds no weight and sways over few readers. Its flaw is its inability to evoke. When the character must profuse the reasons they are in love—most of the time it results in a bust.
Consider this.
Say all of those elements on the list, right? Say it's the same pairing—because, fuck it, they're cute—and roll with it. We're in Rainbow hooves and she's walking next to Twilight. She glances over and because caught by the side of Twilight's eyes. They're a subtle, violet glow to them, framed with black eyelashes.
There's something about them. They don't command, but rather, they naturally draw you to look. They're a wonder. Brilliant but nearly hidden. Curiosity to the world; kindness upon its reflection back. And then the mare looks toward Rainbow, and without words, closes those eyes and then smiles.
It may not win me an interview, but at least that kind of writing evokes a reason to fall in love. It's a bit cheap. But it sells the idea at least. The same is true of Twilight doing Rainbow a solid. Have it actually happen in a way for Rainbow to view Twilight in a different light.
Before we leave this one behind. Allow me to nail the empty coffin save for a paper a little tighter before we go. The reason why laundry list confessions don't work is for two purposes: one, it is telling rather than showing; two, it doesn't evoke.
Telling vs. Showing and Reading vs. Feeling. They mostly are two sides of the same coin. When you show something, it tends to become evocative, one of the great goals of writing for the story then becomes an experience.
Which allows the writing to be felt rather than merely read.
But don't think telling always means it won't be evocative. Remember your goal is not don't tell, but rather, to evoke. When you consider this, then the former assists in the purist of the latter—but not always. We shall take an example from one of the greatest writers on this site.
King of Beggars.
To save you some reading and backstory—although the story is one that should be read—I will offer you the set-up to their story 'The Surprisingly Complicated Love Story of Spike the Dragon'. Don't let the title fool you.
It's a four out of four.
Anyway.
Scootaloo has a crush on Spike. The reason is unexplained—as will be the point of the next section—until a glimpse is offered in one scene. The plot has focuses on the drama of the situation, more immediate and pulling, rather than something which doesn't need to be explained in the first place.
Sweetie and Applebloom ask Scootaloo why she would even dig someone like Spike. Here is the excerpt:
“Yeah, but that’s how you feel about your brother,” Scootaloo said. “I definitely don’t feel like Spike’s a brother to me… It’d uh… be kind of awkward… considering some of the dreams I’ve been having lately…”
Scootaloo held up her hooves to stop the tide of questions she sensed was about to hit her.
“I’m not going to tell you about my dirty dreams!” she said forcefully.
“…so they were dirty, then…?” Sweetie asked.
Scootaloo sighed and hung her head in exasperation. “Just keep putting your hoof in your mouth, Scootaloo, eventually you’ll choke on it,” she muttered to herself.
“Don’t worry about it, everypony has weird dreams,” Sweetie said.
“I just like him,” Scootaloo said, choosing to get back to the topic at hoof. “He’s my friend. He makes me think about stuff, important stuff. And when he’s concentrating on something really hard he sticks out his tongue and it’s so cute I want to just give him a great big kiss... Do I really have to have more reasons than to want the guy as my special somepony?”
“So what’re you going to do, then…?” Sweetie asked softly, her cheeks tinged a little at the sincerity of Scootaloo’s confession.
Scootaloo stood and stretched out the tightness in her muscles.
“With Spike still in Canterlot?” she asked. “I’m going to go for a run.”
The writing doesn't give everything away. The reasons there are barely scraped up simply because this girl likes this guy. Better than that, however, when she talks about the way he sticks out his tongue in concentration, an utterly adorable look she wants nothing more than to kiss—that's immediate. The words and the idea and the feelings are, well, felt!
It's telling with showing sprinkled across the prose. Some subtext and some telling. It still words due to the charm and sincerity of it all. The scene is more based on how swept away Scootaloo is rather than the rationale of her reasons—which then become solid due to it all.
In short. Avoid laundry lists in writing. Remember they can be done. But don't forget that your overall goal is always, always, always to evoke. Maybe not always feelings, but the genius of ideas tend to enlighten the brain. Immersion is your goal. To create experiences rather than tales.
Thanks for sticking around for another strange one, gang.
Rest assured there will be more for this series. Don't know how it will go or when the next one will be. I suppose whenever a story pricks beneath my skin again I shall take to the page in a fierce, neckbeard rant.
How have I been doing? To sell you the honest truth at the low-low price of forever free: quite shit indeed. It's not due to a lack of friends—though some come and go as though their existence mattered to none—which always breaks a crack into a crystal heart.
Wait. Does that imply my heart is good? Rewind that.
But beyond some RL stuff, it's been chilly. I fucked up working with someone I cherished. Let it be a lesson that, regardless if it's someone you respect dearly, trying too hard and committing 'idol idolization' paves a way to a hard and awkward future to the two of you.
That being said. I am learning some new tricks. If one sets their sights only on improvement—then even pierced set-backs cease to sting. Beyond that. I am lucky to have friends. Even though they cause some of my strain—the lack of them creates no anxiety at all. Rather, nothing is felt or hoped for.
Death is already enough like that.
Gloom and doom peer at me from the future, so for now, the present is the place I'm doing my best to stay better in. I hope everyone is well and doing well—even those I detest. Not out of personality but rather because of character.
Ah well. Positive blog no more. Let's get this show on the road.
Eh?
~ Yr. Pal, B ~
Well, I suppose I can't argue against that.
5160549
Updated. Thanks!
You echo my thoughts pretty succinctly, I think!
I have a weak-spot for the Laundry List myself (A+ name for it, btw), but I feel like there is no world at all where it is effective standing alone. The Laundry List should be like a reprise to your initial "song" about falling in love. Every item on that list has to be given its own special moment—nothing can come out of nowhere, and that's where a lot of multi-chapter romance fics on this site tend to lose me. One-shots I think tend to be a little more forgiving, but there still has to be some sort of arc or connection there. The sort of justification for love that the Laundry List yields doesn't work for me unless I can really see why these two characters, whoever they are, are in love. There always has to be some sort of change that happens that we can see, otherwise the experience that you're offering the reader has no depth.
tldr; i agree with this
5160555
Wonderful and thoughtful comment of pure substance. Thanks broski.
Where did you get the first picture from?
5160573
Perfection, ain't it?
5160574
Yes, it is.
Also--so my only comment isn't just me being snarky
--to build off what 5160555 said.
The problem with laundry lists is that they're mostly written to tell the reader what good things character A has as a way to justify character B's feelings. Hardly ever have I seen it written so it's character B thinking about why a certain trait of character A appeals to them and use that as a foundation for their attraction.
Bookplayer mentions how to tackle this in a nice and informative blog post. If the writer wants their little moment where a character thinks about all the nice thing the other character has, that's a better way of going about it
I had a revelation a while back when my friend pointed out that the shipping moments he tends to remember most fondly are the more light-hearted, carefree ones--there's something to be said for big emotional heart-to-heart talks and all that, but I don't think many things will sell a relationship to the reader more efficiently than showing that the characters enjoy being around each other. Which means that, er, if you rely on your characters saying they're in love to make the reader realize it... that's probably a sign you should be rethinking that part of the story.
Also:
This is a bloody fantastic way of putting it. I've seen arguments made for why "Show, don't tell," is an oversimplification before, but this was a simple, succinct way of explaining it that I think cuts right to the heart of the matter.
5160577
Aye aye. Good blog too.
5160585
I like and agree with that logic.
I really loved that story, King is truly a great writer.
I just have one word for the first Fluttershy picture "EXPLOSION!.....I-if you don't mind and of course..."
Ur the coolest, and are a wonderful writer.
Could send the link for the story that you mentioned? I can’t seem to find it.
5161281
Got you.