Paul's Thursday Reviews CLXXX · 9:01pm Oct 24th, 2019
A few days ago, one of my favorite MLP fanartists (is that the right term, fanartist?) posted a picture. And as I took said picture in, I became inspired. Now, I know the drill with momentary inspiration: you get this idea, it seems brilliant, you try to write something for it, and two days later you don’t care anymore, thereby wasting two days of work. So when inspiration strikes me, I don’t jump on it.
I wait. I think on the idea. Let it stew. If in a few days I’m not interested anymore, I know it was a dud and move on.
That didn’t happen this time. It’s been nearly a week and the concept continues to stir in my head. This tells me I might actually have something worth writing, and so I have begun. A couple days later, I know that I’m very much interested in this concept. Why? Because in the last two of three days, I worked on it right up to the point I needed to get to bed for work the next morning. Most days I stop writing an hour or two away from then so I can deal with other things, mostly video games. That this concept is overriding my gaming addiction says quite a bit.
I’m not saying that when I release this it’ll be the next great week-long feature, or even that it’ll be objectively good. I’m only saying that it has stirred the creative juices and got me to working on writing more than anything I’ve had to work on since Bulletproof Heart, and that’s exciting.
No worries. I’m not not working on Famous Last Words. I’m making myself achieve at least 1,000 words/day on that one before working on this new concept, just to make sure it’s still going. But until I get this new short (er, medium?) story done I don’t see that pace picking up.
Maybe I just needed to write on something else for a bit. Either way, I’m enjoying my writing more than I have in a while, and that’s good enough for me. So of course this weekend is the planned, annual Halloween get-together with my cousins. Not that I’d ever begrudge the opportunity to scare them witless with a solid horror game or movie, but… but writing!
Eh, it’ll get done one way or another. Shall we get to the reviews?
Stories for This Week:
Lonely Winter Nights by GigaBowser
Where'd Mommy Go? by The Abyss
Mother by Skijarama
Constants by NorrisThePony
Running Free Across the Plain by The Hat Man
No One Goes There by Rinnaul
Having Some Selfie-Confidence by Stargazer129
The Late Twilight Sparkle by InsufferableUnicorn
Ponies Protecting Ponies by Venates
Baking is War, Sister by Einhander
Total Word Count: 84,439
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 7
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Lonely Winter Nights
19,042 Words
By GigaBowser
Yep, that’s right, it’s another “homeless Scootaloo” fic. I imagine a lot of you are already yawning and moving on. But clichés are there for a reason, and since Scootaloo is Best Filly, I figure I’m willing to give these a shot every now and then.
You know the story: Scootaloo’s homeless, nopony knows, somepony finds out, said somepony takes her in. These things write themselves. GigaBowser (Imposter! That avatar isn’t Bowser at all, much less Giga. I call you out, sir!) tries to spice things up by putting Scoots in a life-or-death situation. Strangely, they also decided that there’s no such thing as a CMC clubhouse for this story. I have no idea why they’d make such a decision, except perhaps that it would fit better with the cover art.
The good news is that the author works the concept well. Indeed, this is one of the better Homeless Scootaloo stories I’ve read. It still suffers from the usual issues, such as how nopony knows or why it is nopony noticed the stink or frailty of a filly living on the streets with nothing to her name but a scooter. And I for one continue to question how she registered for school in Ponyville without Ms. Cheerilee getting suspicious. The author actually brings a couple of these up, particularly the “how did nopony notice this?” bit, which plays a little in their favor. Still, these are all common issues of the Homeless Scootaloo trope. I’m willing to leave them be, if only by virtue of the fact that we expect them in the first place.
This story uses its length to its advantage. Rather than rushing through its subject matter to get to the fluffy d’awww moments, GigaBowser takes time to define the situation, give us the emotions, and let things play out. This alone is a huge improvement to what I usually see in this trope. The only catch is that the author leans a bit too heavily on Tell at the worst moments, like when Rainbow is waiting in the hospital. I started rolling my eyes when the story waxes on for several paragraphs about how oh-so terrible Rainbow feels and how she’s beating herself up and how she doesn’t care if anypony sees her crying. Yes, yes, we get it, the fact that she’s crying like this in the first place is a pretty clear indicator, thank you.
There’s also the extreme convenience of Derpy showing up with mailed adoption papers the very second Scootaloo asks about her future. There are coincidences, and then there are contrivances, and this felt far more like the latter. No, author, it doesn’t make the moment more touching or dramatic, it makes it look forced.
But other than those two blunders, this is definitely one of the better Homeless Scootaloo Gets Adopted stories I’ve read, by a significant margin. The time the author takes to set up the scene, develop the atmosphere, and keep things (somewhat) realistic with the setting they are obligated to have through the trope allows the story to work better than others like it. It’ll still annoy and be thoroughly disapproved of by those who just can’t get past said obligatory issues, but those of you who can may find this to be a treat.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Where'd Mommy Go?
2,489 Words
By The Abyss
Princess Luna has a lot to look forward to, starting with fresh cookies from the kitchens! But she’s also got magic lessons with her mother tomorrow, which is even better. At least, she did. But everypony in the castle’s crying. Even her big sis Celestia looks miserable. If only one of them would explain what’s going on...
The premise here is obvious, but that’s alright. This story ends up far better than the last two I’ve seen by this author, but that’s primarily because there’s a lot more to this one than mere fluff. It’s a story to cement the Royal Siblings’ early relationship while also channeling the extreme pain that comes with losing a family member at such a young age.
The one and only downside to this story is the fact that you know what it is about and where it is going more or less the instant you read the title. But as long as you can get past that and focus on how The Abyss handles the material — which is quite well — that shouldn’t be a problem. If you’re interested in something bittersweet, here you go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Sibling Snuggles — Worth It
Sisterly Snuggles — Needs Work
Celesti has become pregnant. Even she doesn’t know how. But this… ‘immaculate conception’ is far more sinister than anypony can imagine.
This is some solidly dark stuff. Combining unknowable horror with a constant sense of growing dread, the story stars Princess Twilight as she struggles to get to the bottom of what is happening in Canterlot and, specifically, to Celestia. The end result is something that might be produced if Damien had a lovechild with Cthulhu.
The story is legitimately creepy, even though it lacks in appropriate atmospherics. The description of events and the legitimately unnerving aspect of everything happening is enough to make this work in all the ways it was meant to. As a horror story, it is very effective, although I emphasize this is one of those stories where you have to go in with the specific intention of being scared.
I only have two issues. First: the story goes out of its way to state that Celestia and the others affected by the Mother can’t recall anything that happened after the birth. The story thus treats these elements as though they will never be known. But it neglects Princess Luna, who we can clearly see was able to keep at bay whatever was happening, and therefore should remember and be able to enlighten us.
Then we have the final solution, which I won’t explain for spoiler purposes. I’ll just say that the method they deal with the problem could only have led to significantly worse problems, and yet the story treats it as if this is not so. I’d have loved to have an explanation for why it is they didn’t just completely doom the entire world with this tactic.
Still, it’s a solid horror that deserves the attention it got. If you’re looking for something creepy, this is a good place to go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Constants
1,984 Words
By NorrisThePony
On a normal, peaceful night, Celestia finds her little student Twilight struggling to get some sleep. She soon learns that Twilight is homesick, and so she sets out to help in what little ways she can.
The immediate question that came to mind as I was reading this was “can’t she go visit for the weekend? I mean, they’re in the same city! It’s not like Twilight going to visit family for a couple days would mean a long break from her lessons.”
But if you handwave that one issue, this is a nice little fluff piece in which Celestia works to comfort her sad protege. It even has the added bonus of Celestia not looking absolutely miserable every time she so much as glances at the moon (a frustratingly common cliché).
In the end, this was a nice, relaxing piece compared to the usual gloomy material we see from this author. As such, I approve. It’s simple, gets to its point quickly, and achieves its ends nicely. If you want a little bit of mentor/student friendshipping, this isn’t a bad one to check out.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Dusk Falls — WHYRTY?
You Could Feel the Sky — Pretty Good
Nightmare's Reign — Worth It
Running Free Across the Plain
4,025 Words
By The Hat Man
The grey foal watches the herd and the lead stallion, gradually learning how to behave. All is fine. All is well. Then there are bright lights, and everything changes.
This is a story about how and why ponies evolved to become the supreme race of Equus. The Hat Man’s answer, simply put, is aliens. You can make of that concept what you will. The thing that makes this story interesting is how the author devotes so much time and attention to the lives and ways of the ponies before their extraterrestrial encounter, then reveals the evidence later as to what changed.
The method is unexpected, but it works well. The Hat Man takes us into an alien mind (no pun intended) and helps us understand the world through a literal horse’s eyes. It’s almost like exploring a new culture. It is very well done on the whole, and I thoroughly approve.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
No One Goes There
2,483 Words
By Rinnaul
There is a path leading into the woods on the edge of Ponyville. Nopony ever goes there. It’s not that there’s a clear threat, or that ponies go in and don’t come out. It’s just that, for some reason, nopony ever goes there. Four brave young colts decide to find out why.
This one is a bit of a challenge for me. It turns out I wrote a story with a similar premise and the exact same conclusion roughly a year before Rinnaul wrote this one. The hardest thing about this, then, is trying not to compare Rinnaul’s story to my own.
The story bills itself as a horror. To be fair, the concept is certainly scary. But it has trouble catching the atmosphere of a horror. Our four intrepid explorers are scared, but only in that way that children can be expected to be afraid while walking through the woods at night. Rinnaul does make a good effort at ambience and mood, and it works to a certain degree, but without a noted awareness in the characters themselves it becomes harder to pull the reader in.
That being established, I still think Rinnaul did well with the situation he put himself in for this story. It’s certainly well-written and builds up to its threat effectively. It also uses its short length to keep the concept from growing stale. All in all, it’s not a bad piece of fiction. It just comes with the caveat that you have to go into it wanting to be afraid, as I don’t feel the story itself has enough to pull it off on its own.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Alone — Pretty Good
Passing the Time — Pretty Good
Do You Want Nightmare Moons? — Worth It
Fate — Worth It
Having Some Selfie-Confidence
1,964 Words
By Stargazer129
Sunset Shimmer’s experiences with popularity are not ones she cares to think about. As such, she’s also not big on popular ‘fads’. Fads like taking selfies. But one day she decides, maybe… maybe to try taking one. Just to try it.
This is a quiet story of fighting inner fears and exploring outside one’s comfort zone. The whole of it is nothing more than Sunset trying to work up the courage to take a selfie, often distracting herself with tangential thoughts in the process. We are given an image of the inner Sunset, the anxious one, with all the fears and uncertainties that implies. It is at a story at once familiar and moralizing.
This was lovely. It reminds us that sometimes it’s okay to try new things, even something as innocent as a picture. With a dash of courage and a bit of independent personal growth, this story does a surprising amount in its tiny wordcount. By all means, give it a go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Late Twilight Sparkle
2,720 Words
By InsufferableUnicorn
Fluttershy sits alone at her house. Waiting for the others. She only hopes they won’t be too upset with her.
I knew where this was going the instant I connected the name to the cover art to the tags. Honestly, if you don’t know where this is going by that point, you haven’t been on FIMFiction very long. That’s not a complaint, though. It’s merely an acknowledgement that I know what this is and thus I should judge it based upon how well it did the job.
I’ve never been one for Second Person, but since the story establishes immediately that “you” is Fluttershy, I was able to look past it. I do have to wonder why InsufferableUnicorn chose to write the entire story in future tense. It’s a very strange decision, and yet it somehow works. In fact, it fits very well with the choice of Fluttershy as “you”. It provides the subconscious suggestion that the entire story is Fluttershy’s fretful imaginings, like she’s having a worry-filled daydream about a future problem.
If so, then this would be a great look into the mind of everyone’s favorite timid pegasus in the early seasons (bear in mind this was written in 2012). And even without that overarching concept, it’s a great piece in the mind of Season 1-3 Fluttershy. The simple fears, the endless anxiety, the little worries that dog her every thought and action. It’s very rare for a reader to personally sense Fluttershy’s ongoing mini-terrors, but InsufferableUnicorn pulls it off. That makes this easily the best use of the Second Person Perspective I’ve ever seen.
Then there’s the switcheroo at the end. Which, again, was predictable from the beginning. I dare say the author did a decent job of this. There are certainly some unusual coincidences in there and more than a few hints as to the real nature of what’s going on, but those are typical for the nature of this story. What really hits me, though, is that while the author was enacting this little plan of intended deviousness, their choice to cast Fluttershy as the narrator was nothing short of a work of genius. It’s not just because she facilitates the twist at the end, but it’s because it furthers the overarching element of Fluttershy’s endless anxiety, taking something small and turning it into something bigger.
On top of all that, InsufferableUnicorn shows a distinct awareness of their craft. Strong, but not overbearing descriptions and an expert awareness of the value of both Show and Tell at all the appropriate times makes this a story that is easy to digest. The attention to detail and imagery is just about perfect, and the dialogue fits every character so well as to make them all audible within the mind.
Maybe I’m looking too deeply into this, but for what it is I am thoroughly pleased. A very well-done piece of work by an author who, regrettably, is no longer in the fandom. I will be checking the other two works by this author in hopes that they’ll be half as high in quality as this one.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Ponies Protecting Ponies
33,911 Words
By Venates
Amethyst Star has just completed her one year of training to become the newest agent of Celestia’s secret spy organization: Ponies Protecting Ponies, or the PPP. To her surprise, her first assignment is not some challenging field mission or a target to sabotage, but protection duty on a completely unawares Twilight Sparkle. Who Celestia just sent to Ponyville to oversee the Summer Sun Celebration. Amethyst and her handler Lyra have no idea what the next forty-eight hours have in store for them.
This was almost everything I expected it to be, which I assure you is a good thing. It features Amethyst Star, Lyra Heartstrings, Doctor Hooves, Carrot Top, Derpy Doo, and Bon Bon as secret agents devoted to protecting all of Equestria from any potential threats, and it is every bit as fun as that suggests. Yet the story is not just about watching some amusing secret agent antics; it’s a character-driven story involving difficult decisions, high stress levels, and challenges far above anything the agents have been trained to deal with. It’s a surprisingly well-crafted adventure on top of its comedic elements.
I have only one complaint, and that is the climax. It essentially negates everything we know about the show and adamantly denies the underpinning purpose of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It also makes Twilight and her friends — indeed, all of Equestria — into naive creatures too ignorant to realize that everything they think gives them power and strength is, in fact, a giant sham foisted upon them by the very leaders they trust the most. What Celestia, Luna, and the PPP are doing by the end of this story is recklessly dangerous. It reduces the majority of Equestria’s citizenry and one of its future rulers into ignorant, clueless sheep ready for butchering the moment the support structure of their collective fantasy crumbles. And it will.
So… yeah. The conclusion is bullshit. Or willfully ignorant.
But everything else about the story is spot-on awesome. If not for that conclusion, I’d have given this top billing. As it stands, I’ll have to lower it a peg. Even so, you should read it for the entertainment value. It’s rare to see a story combine steady humor with adventure as well as this does, and that alone puts it at a higher level.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Pinkie Pie and The Quest for Missing Smiles — Pretty Good
The Longevity Theory — Pretty Good
Twilight Sparkle's School of Harmony — Worth It
Baking is War, Sister
11,178 Words
Uh-oh! Einhander’s covert art broke! Might want to get that checked out.
Requested by Crimson Dawn
A review request that wasn’t made by the author? Will wonders never cease? Also, I wish Einhander was still on FIMFiction so I could ask that all-important question: what weapon combination do you use and why? Only a select group of people will understand the reason that question must be asked.
Anyway, to the story. Lyra has convinced Bon Bon to hold a candy cooking class, with sign up at the Ponyville Arts and Crafts fair. But Bon Bon is having a bit of trouble accepting potential students, and they need at least four to break even. At last, things are arranged. Twilight is fine. Spike is fine. Rarity signed up, too. But who could possibly be the fourth? Turns out it’s the last pony Bon Bon would want in her kitchen: Pinkie Pie.
This was highly entertaining. It is, on the surface, about Bon Bon’s struggle to deal with others and make friends. Lyra, the oh-so special pony, is her warden to keep her on track and playing friendly with the students. Twilight spends a lot of her time struggling to cook at all, especially without magic, while Pinkie both works to help Twilight and keep from offending Bon Bon’s sensibilities, which she quickly learns is all too easy to do. As for Spike, he’s not forgotten, and has plenty of his own unusual moments.
Filled with silly antics, copious friendshipping, and the barest hint of TwiPie, this was a pleasant read. It’s simple in premise and effective in execution, giving all of the characters some decent coverage (even Spike, whom most authors forget even exists). I have nothing to complain about. Read this if you want to have a little fun with the original fandom OTP.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Stories for Next Week:
A Study on Alicorns: Cause and Effect by Jaelommiss
Why the Nobles Are Big, Stinky, Stupid Heads. by Clockworklich
Taste the Rainbow by Lynked
Applejack's Secret by Applejack224
Stitches by Harmony Pie
Spell Bound by LackLustre
Never Okay by DarqFox
Matchmaker, Matchmaker... by ThunderChaserCreate
Three Magics by Arkensaw Pinkerton
Wedding March by Carabas
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LackLustre is a big dummy.
I've been taking my licks for the ending of PPP for a while now, but I'm tickled pink that, despite it all, the story left such a positive impact with you! Thank you very much!
Thank you for the review, Paul. I’m glad you were able to take something of value out of my cute fluffy nonsense
Only one of these I've read is "Ponies Protecting Ponies," and even then, only the prologue and first three chapters, so i can't speak to the ending. Because it's rehashing events from the pilot episode, I was a little put off by how much time it spent showing me things I already knew, but I still found it a fun story.
Thanks so much!
So it's Upheaval. :B
Glad to see you enjoyed the story. I figure fun stories need people to advocate for theme specially if the author does nto appear to be here anymore. I am so sad that so many great writers are no longer here.
5144983
I'll take your word for it.
5144985
You are very welcome!
5145015
Fluffy nonsense is the only nonsense that matters.
5145024
I felt PPP approached the topic in a more enjoyable fashion, i.e. not repeating the first episodes word for word (I've seen that done before).
5145029
You're welcome!
5145099
Huh. I suppose so, in its own way.
5145269
Sad, but understandable.