FIMFiction: The Drama of Life · 3:26pm Oct 21st, 2019
The Drama of Life
So. Been a while… again. I do apologize for my absence as of late. Things IRL have… taken a turn for both the annoying and horrible. I myself am doing better but… I think a recap is necessary for how long I’ve been silent for. Just a note. This does get pretty personal, even though I’m used to it, this also gets a bit dicey to read. So I apologize to anyone who this might not sit well with in regards to my own… sanity and safety.
July 27, 2019
This was the day I finally got back to working. You know, having a real job in life again. So it began to take away some free time, but I had a decent amount. I did work a five day shift as the open baker for this bakery/cafe. And at the time things were treading along alright. Nothing seemed entirely wrong and I actually began to have some fun. I mean, it’s not everyday I get to practice one of my favorite activities; that of course being my job as a baker.
After nearly a month on the job, things were still okay. But… I started to get some… weird feelings. I didn’t know what this was at first, except after some thought, it began to feel like that same dread when I worked as a dishwasher began to hit me. And oh boy… it surely didn’t leave me disappointed. On the week I was designated for learning the delivery shift that was apart of my schedule, well, relatively, throughout the entirety of my working hours at this bakery, I put my own expectations at an absurd level.
This in itself sounds like just about anyone starting off at a new job, I imagine. Unless it’s a shitty one, in which case, I don’t blame anyone for not putting in one hundred percent. So when I felt like I disappointed one of my co-workers… that dread began to take over something fierce. And before long… well… it’s not easy talking about it… but I guess that’s where I switch gears.
The 2nd Attempt
It was just after that work day had gotten over with did I… really start to feel the dread kick in. A spiral of sorts. I felt trapped, but worst of all, I didn’t feel safe with myself. In fact, the moment I got out of the shower, and the moment I sat on my bed, I… I felt the chaotic urge to… just get it over with, and grabbed my little hunting knife. I just… I don’t even know how to describe how I felt in that moment.
The chaos in my head as I literally argued with myself for my life. The unsheathing of the knife, and… well, the cold sensation of the blade against my wrist. I… I was really about to go through with it. In that moment, I had never gotten so close to actually taking my own life. And in a painful way I can’t even imagine. The only reason I saved myself was because my own self-preservation instincts are stronger than my despair… I guess.
So… yeah. I didn’t just have thoughts this time. I actually… tried to kill myself. It’s… hard talking about it with you all. I don’t even know how many people really care about this. I mean, you all, even as dear as you are and how much you care for my stories, are still just strangers. And I’m a stranger to you as well. In fact, it’s funny that I’m even talking about this to you all.
But I guess it’s really the only reasonable… reason to talk about why I’ve been silent for so long. Well… I didn’t cut myself if that was what you were wondering. But… it’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to actually… well, making an attempt at suicide. I still… I feel dirty. I feel like… I still feel like I’m trapped, honestly. And in fact, I wish I could make this shit up. I really wish that this shit was just fake… that I didn’t just try to end my existence.
Whether anyone out there is willing to believe me or not is really up to them. These are just words on an electronic screen after all. I digress. I wasn’t successful. I had a wellness Officer escort me to the hospital, my Mom obviously worried as she came to visit, and then her driving me home later that night. Funny that it was my job manager who saved me at the end… I mean, there’s an oddity to how that sounds.
It wasn’t my Mom, or my Dad, or any family member that saved me. In that moment that dark thought basically made me refuse to tell my parents. At least that’s how I feel. I was and still am basically on discharge. I could’ve gone in for intensive care but… I don’t even know if medication will do it for me. I’ve already tried… but the last batch made me feel nauseous. The worst part was… when I made that attempt, it was literally only a couple days away from my birthday. Pretty fucked up... right?
Now I imagine it’s time for another intersection.
August, 17th & Onward to the Present
So… here I am. Still alive, and still kicking on. I still have that baking job. Only now I work the weekend open bake shifts. Thank god my manager was understanding. As for my mental health? Well, I’ve been seeing a therapist and… I guess it’s good news? I sort of have an idea now what’s wrong with me. The lymphatic system in my brain is basically in overdrive. I perceive threats without even realizing I’m doing so.
And just recently, I learned that it’s possibly from my childhood trauma during middle school. Guess those three years bullying really did wire me in an unfortunate way. Fuck, even the phrase my therapist told me, “don’t let your childhood traumas kill you”, still really bugs me. That was just this week. And yesterday was another round of black thoughts. And another but fortunately less destructive spiral.
I’m doing okay… I guess as “okay” as I can be. I’m still… not entirely well. I still worry about things in an inordinate amount. And to top it all off, my landlord (basically my grandmother) is kicking me, my brother, and his girlfriend out of the house I’m currently staying in. Which… definitely sucks. It’s just another round of unfortunate circumstances… although I guess a blessing in disguise, considering now I won’t have to worry about a house to take care of.
I’ll be shacking it back up at my Dad’s place for the meantime, and am currently trying to maintain my job. I don’t know if I can since my commute now will be about half an hour to forty-five minutes away. Especially early in the morning as it is, having to work from 3:45AM to just about 11:45. That took some getting used to… but now I don’t even know if I’ll be able to keep it.
I… do at least have a month left to stay in this house for the time being. Slowly saying goodbye to it day by day… which makes me sad, frustrated, angry… all those kinds of emotions. But… life goes on I guess. I guess there’s only one thing left to talk about, huh?
Storywork
So. As for how the stories are going? I’ve been working on that Kingdom Hearts story quite a bit. Have plans to possibly make a full blown story from that Zebra one-shot. But the big issue is this. My therapist (either at the moment or for a majority of my life, at least as how I’ve interpreted it) suggests that I do not play games like Horizon: Zero Dawn (still going to so I can see how it ends, since I’m literally at the end-game), or such games that are possibly a little too dark, or have a heavy theme of hopelessness in them.
And this… relates to my story work as well. Meaning that the Bloodborne crossover I was excited for might as well be scrap (to be fair I don’t have much so I guess it’s okay). The True Nightmare is now in question because of its… overall dark tones. But… I guess it still leaves me other avenues of stories to pursue. I am, however, at least permitted to play games that aren’t unnecessarily dark, and in this case, I’ll be able to write stories that aren’t just dreary and tragic.
Well, I still can at least define my limits and possibly fluctuate them to how I see fit. But for now, that Bloodborne crossover is possibly not happening. Plus even when I tried to get excited for it I just… I don’t know. I just couldn’t. So. I will be taking another look at the list of stories I put up and will be working on that one full time. So other than that, yeah. I hope this doesn’t disappoint any of you? I’m just working with what I can and what I can allow myself with this current… mental situation.
I do hope you all can understand.
Additional Notes
I’ve finally gotten out of that job (will probably not be jobless for too long I imagine) so for the time being I have quite a bit of free time on my hands. Maybe finally get a story out for once. Jesus… life is certainly fun.
And I’m back in a comfortable and mentally friendly place. So that should help things out for sure. Other than that, that’s all I got. I’ll let you all know which story I end up choosing. I do, however, want to keep this clear. Whichever story I pick, even if it’s a little bit tragic, but is not the overall theme of the story, is fair game. And even then I can fudge the lines a little. Stories like The True Nightmare, I’ll have to build up some tolerances to it for the time being.
However, when I first thought about giving it to someone else, I realized that it wouldn’t be fair to that person or you all. So. I’m going to try to work on two stories at once again. Because I know everyone has been waiting so long for the fourth and final sequel. So I will not keep it from and try to get as many chapters out in a short amount of time as I can (with hard work put into them, of course).
But other than that. I’m glad to let you know I’m not dead. And I’ll see you all next time.
Good to hear it has got better.
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Thanks. That really means a lot.