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Techie's SPICY Smokin' Toasted Self-Roasted Reviews #1: [Wielder of the Orb: Of Magic and Ponies]! · 9:00pm Sep 29th, 2019

Rating system? What rating system? I'm here to roast your toaster and rock your stories into the ground!

For the first round, let's start simple and take a look at my first story on this humble site:

EWielder of the Orb: Of Magic and Ponies
A story of teens, evil beings, ponies, and interdimensional escape.
TheMajorTechie · 6.2k words  ·  16  7 · 578 views

Now, this thing was written back when I was on the trailing end of my "Middle school edgy" phase. I thought that having a dark, power-hungry villain that wanted only to be powerful and nothing else was a great idea for a villain, so guess what?

The guy is a heckin' idiot.

Also, how in the name of Celestia's flaming mane did I forget that quotation marks were a thing?!

Now that I've got a bit of the background out of the way, let's take a look at the first chapter.

Sammy, Zoey, Caleb, and Brodie were trapped. That was pretty much the whole story. Trapped. In a web. Surrounded by zombies. In a foreign universe. Trapped. Sammy was using all that he had to fend off the ugly creatures, but with the massive onslaught, he couldn't hold them back for much longer. So he did the one thing he had in the back of his mind as a last resort:

He jumped realities.

Alright, first off, while I don't personally remember exactly what mindset I was in when I wrote this first paragraph, looking back on it now makes the whole deal feel like I was already running out of content from the get-go. Like, seriously, I start off saying that the main characters were trapped, then I tack on that they're trapped in a web. Sure, that's a bit-- NO THEY ARE ALSO SURROUNDED BY ZOMBO BOIOS TOO. PLUS THEY ARE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

And yeah, even the first paragraph alone is already a mess.

And then the thing that comes immediately after that whole "jumped realities" dealio?

Hello, my name is Sammy Gearings, and I come from a different universe, from a planet called Earth.

That was the first thing he said after he woke up in a hospital bed, slightly surprised to find Nurse Redheart staring at him. After checking out his new body for a while, he knew that the reality jump was successful; they survived.


Once again, let's point out the fact that I forgot that quotation marks existed. Not to mention the complete lack of any sort of culture shock, either. And what the heck is that introduction? You don't just pop awake and introduce yourself as coming from a compeltely different universe, pinpointing the planet you came from, heck, if Samy Gearings here has been saying that every time he woke up from whatever he just did, then he would've probably been hauled off to the funny pillow room looooong ago.

And let's now take a look at the next chapter, skipping past the part where Sammy apparently doesn't know Nurse Redheart's name even though Nurse Redheart was introduced at the very beginning as Nurse Redheart. Probably would've been better to introduce her as some unknown nurse pony until Sammy asked her name.

Next chapter!

She looks like a unicorn-pegasus crossbreed. Oh! A pegacorn!
Caleb and Brodie both stared at Zoey, while Twilight began explaining the different types of ponies in Equestria.

Hoo boy. So, if you've been following me for a while, there's a chance that you might be familiar with Zoey. First from this story, obviously, but later on as Gadget's human persona in the Lab Horse series as Zoey Wayve (of which the last name was used for the sole purpose of making a microwave pun), and Zoey Ascher, a side-character from Pony-Me.

Yeah, sure, they're still for the most part the same character at the very core of how they're written, but the Zoey here is an over-the-top hyper character that'd give Pinkie Pie a run for her money.

Also, quotation marks, wanted dead or alive, $0 reward.

And what's this near the bottom of the chapter? A massive textwall! While it isn't quite as big as some I've seen in other stories, it's pretty much just a big ol' infodump of background lore that still explains next to nothing on why any of this happened at all.

Also also, apparently Twilight is now quaking in her metaphorical boots after this infodump. Maybe it's because she's afraid of the textwall? The 'Anicetus' dude Sammy mentions really doesn't seem all that threatening in hindsight,

Also also also, OP main character that's able to trounce existing things in MLP (portals) with little to no effort, yay!

And would ya take a look at that author's note there:

Originally, Anicentus was going to have the full name "Anicetus Yngvarr", which I made using a random name generator. If I remember correctly, it means something like "powerful conqueror" or something like that. Anyways, have fun with the longer chapters! :pinkiehappy:

Side note: I've worked for several hours on this just for you guys. Why all the downvotes? I'm trying to improve, ok? :fluttercry:

Yup. I was one of those authors. "First story pls liek no hate plsssssss!" FTW!

(And I still use random name generators to this day for quite a few characters. :raritywink:)

What's next? Chapter 3? Heck no, I'ma throw a chapter 2.5 at you!

Ooh, quotation marks! Too bad it's in a text wall again. There were a couple back in chapter 2, but there's a few more floating around here in 2.5.

Also, I think that Zoey's cute even when she's a pony.

Forced romantic subplots! Yay!

Let's scoot on over to the next chapter now.

Aaaaaand apparently Twilight is now a jerk book-horse with no respect for privacy because BOOKS. Why? Because holy heck she made it through a padlock and whatever saddlebag thing Sammy has just because she wanted to read his diary. And then she starts spouting about Sammy's "crush" on Zoey. I repeat, this isn't just normal edgy, this is "oh boy middle school edgy is cool and dark and stuff and i have some crushes in middle school that we will now project into this story" edgy.

Much of this chapter seems to be solely about Twilight not respecting Sammy's privacy.

And now it's time to use the mirror portal from Equestria Girls as nothing but a plot device!

This is the portal room. This mirror here is not only a mirror that shows what you're destined to be, but it can also be used to travel between this dimension and it's counterpart, where ponies are humans, instead. When you come out of the portal, you'll land in front of a high school known as Canterlot High. I can be your guide there, and I'm sure that you'll be able to finish whatever you need to do faster if you're back in your own body.
Sammy watched the portal. It was steadily pulsating, drawing energy from a book mounted at the top with a sun symbol that consisted of two swirled colors; red and yellow. He slowly walked towards the mirror, as if in a trance, as the rest watched. He stopped in front of the mirror, and glanced at his reflection. It stood silent, showing his mere reflection at first, but seconds later, his image began warping to show a powerful wizard of time and space.





Time to make it edgier now!

There was something wrong with the wizard. There was darkness everywhere.
Shadows seemed to flow out of his eyes, and there was fire all around him.

Mmmmm, I sure do love a big heaping dose of corrupted main character with my cereal in the morning!

And for the first time in a little while, the story actually turns back to the thing about Anicetus! Apparently, even though it was mentioned before that the last dimension was a zombie world, it had a king that was mind controlled to command the zombie army or something like that. Idunno. This thing's got more plotholes then the underside of my bed has dust bunnies.

Now it's time to explore chapter 4, and the magical properties of McDonald's fast food!

Yup, this here's an entire chapter dedicated to McDonald's. And yeah, it was funny back then to write it, but considering how the source material I used for this chapter pulled it off back in the day, now it's just a bit on the cringe side of things.

Let's head off to Chapter 5 before I start tasting the cardboard patties myself.

Short to say, it's half paintball warfare, half fudging about looking for a book about magic transfer and then futzing around not doing anything remotely productive.

And what's this at the very bottom of the chapter?

Just a mind-reading spell. You seriously need to get rid of those dirty thoughts about Zoey.

Uh... ok?

🤔, and I cannot repeat this enough, 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔.

Middle school me was weird.

Anyway, another half chapter!

At some point or another, Brodie suddenly gained a Nintendo DS with Pokemon. Probably one of the last things you'd want to have around when you're literally fleeing across multiple universes for your life, y'know?

And then I tried to be deep with a one-off response from Brodie.

And apparently this is all happening at the same time as the previous chapter, and apparently x2 I decided to put the reminder for that at the bottom of the chapter, so that me reading it over four years later would forget that that was the case.

And with that, we finally get to the final chapter. You thought there'd be more funnystuffs going on here? Nope. It's just a pointer to the first reboot and a sort of transition chapter between the two stories.


Comments ( 24 )

After reading this review... I kinda want to go read that literal dumpster fire now :pinkiecrazy:

Because apparently I really hate myself

Aren't you a little young to be building a rollercoaster?

Aren't you a little old for a pharmacist with dreams to take over the tri-state area?

Aren't you a little animalistic to be fighting an old man with dreams of taking over the tri-state area?

Aren't you a little kooky to think that you are actually fighting a mute secret agent platypus for control over the tri-state area?

Aren't you a little crazy to be able to be outside of a mental asylum?

Aren't you a bit uncomfortable in that mortal body of yours?

Nah, this isn't my first time living in a mortal body... I think

Are you saying you've never been in an immortal body?

Amateur. :rainbowlaugh:

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