Emotional Blows · 2:36am Sep 12th, 2019
Hey out there in internet land. Short time, no see.
Sorry to those of you who have been messaging me with commissions and stuff If I've seemed scattered. Rough week doesn't even begin to describe this week.
Have any of you guys ever felt like other people's emotional punching bags? Where shit goes down in someone else's life and they take it out on you? I feel like that a lot, and this week has probably been the worst on all counts. Since last Friday things have really gone down the toilet.
I'm about to vent some pretty harsh shit here so if Y'all don't wanna see it, I wouldn't read further.
Last Friday my Dad had (what I have dubbed since I was twelve) an "Episode". Where he gets mad about a lot of shit and takes it out on pretty much everybody in the house. I don't remember what set this off (maybe my brain trying to protect me? Maybe because it was insignificant? I don't know), but he yelled at me for pretty much two hours straight, and told me straight up that I wasn't going to Florida and if I tried, he'd institutionalize me. Obviously he says a ton of shit he doesn't mean a lot of the time during these episodes, but I suspect that he did mean that on some level. That if I tried to go, he'd find a way to make me stay whether I like it or not. So... I don't know. I don't know how much of that he meant. But there's a grain of truth in every lie, right? I just don't know.
Then comes the issue of my health insurance changing and them not telling me they're taking $129.00 out of my $529.00 per month disability check. As if I didn't have enough financial problems right now. I still have to get on the phone with Social Security and my Medicaid office to see if I can qualify for medicaid paying that premium for me, and hopefully I can get that refunded to me so I can pay my bills.
But those things? They mean nothing. They're less than a speck of dust compared to what happened this morning.
My baby girl's phone is being shut off. She told me this morning. I'm almost 2000 miles away from her, and am losing the form of communication that helps the most in emergencies with her. Snail Mail is good, don't get me wrong. I love that feeling of being excited to check the mail because something from somebody you love will be in there, and I always have. But snail mail doesn't help in emergencies. And with Hurricane Dorian having just been down near where she is I can't stop thinking about how she might need me. It's not just her phone being shut off, it's her husband's too. And they're the only people in her family who know I exist and would tell me if something happened to her, because they both know I would want to be there.
I don't know when I'll get to hear her voice again. That thought is probably the most painful one for me. I love her voice more than any sound on earth. That voice means the world to me. I love hearing it, even if she's complaining or having a bad day. Just hearing it and knowing that she wants to tell me things is just the best damn feeling ever. It hurts so much to know that I don't know when I'm going to hear it again.
My mom said something interesting today when I told her about the story I posted earlier- Calm In The Storm. She said that it was my own maternal instinct acting because on some level I knew what was coming. And I just really hate that, because I knew it was true. I knew something like this was coming, but it's not like you can just know when exactly it's gonna happen. It's like trying to predict the exact moment shit is gonna hit the fan. You just can't know when it's coming. But somehow, in my subconscious, I knew. And I cannot stand that, because it means that if I knew it was coming I could have tried to do more about it than I already have.
I've been thinking so much about how life isn't fair. I already know it's not supposed to be, at least for me. My life outside of this website is pretty much solid evidence for that. But when you see it happening to somebody you care about, who you know is working so hard to make ends meet and provide for their family, it just hits differently. It's the acute sense of pain that we feel when we get outside of our own bubble and look at others. We can accept that life isn't fair to us, but when we see it happen to others, it's worse, because when we usually see the worst in ourselves, we see the best in others. We want life to be fair to them, but it just isn't. It's a hard pill to swallow.
We all deal with the fear of the unknown differently. Me? I'll write a story or cry in the shower or pray frantically for my answers. Sometimes I'll vent on here like I've been known to do. But I think no matter what our methods of coping are, we all just want to know what happens next. But what if we aren't supposed to? What if there's something there we wouldn't want to see and it's protecting us from being even more damaged? Or keeping a good surprise waiting for us on the other side? At this point I don't know what's waiting on the other side, but sooner or later I'm going to find out whether I want to or not. The best I can do is just... I don't know, keep going? Try and get to that other side? I guess that's the most anybody can do, really. I just hope it all turns out okay in the end.
Thanks for letting me share.
Well, every storm passes eventually. You will get through this and be reunited with your baby girl, and you'll be stronger for having made it through this! There are people out there listening and willing to help.
5119840
I really appreciate hearing that. It really means a lot to me in times like these. Thank you so much.
5119841 You're so welcome.
Superpinkbrony12 is right, you will pull through this. There is always help. And i pray the Best for You.
I am sorry to hear about your difficulties. Just know you have the strength to pull through.