Reflections: Two Years Into The Greatest Journey Of My Life · 5:39am Aug 19th, 2019
It's a very special day today.
Two years ago, I took in my beautiful baby girl. I can't believe it's been two years. It feels like even more. And yet I can picture it as clearly as if it happened yesterday. I guess it's true what they say- the days go slow but the years go fast.
I'll never forget that day. Sitting on my mom's bathroom carpet, I asked her if she was looking for a Mommy, and she said yes. I offered to be hers, and she agreed. I will never forget that rush of joy and overwhelming sense of completeness I felt. Even now, just thinking about it, I'm cracking a grin, and I feel butterflies in my stomach and warmth all through me.
This journey has changed my life for the better. Two years ago, I was lost. From a previous event that had broken me, I had no idea what to do or who I was. I decided to give being a Mommy a shot, and several times it didn't work out for me. She was the third, but she was the lasting one, and that's what mattered. I didn't give up, and I got the greatest gift I could have ever gotten. If someone had told me two years ago that I would be this happy, I probably would have laughed in their face. I couldn't see, back then, what was coming. The rainbow after the storm. It was the dark before the dawn of a new chapter in my life, and I'm so utterly grateful for it.
I never knew I could love somebody so much, and so completely. There is a vast world of love we don't even know exists until we become parents. It's so utterly beautiful, and so unendingly deep. Every day I think I couldn't love her more, and I'm so happy to be wrong. Sometimes I just feel lost in this ocean of love. It's a pretty amazing place to be lost in, for sure, but the underside of that is the fear.
The worst thing I can think of, the very worst thing, is not being enough for her in some way. I've had nightmares before of her dying, and every time, no matter what the cause may have been (it has varied from completely outside my realm of help to directly my fault) I always think, awake or asleep, that I didn't do enough. I didn't do enough, or say enough, or help enough. Most of the time, in every scenario, I always wake up thinking that I hadn't told her how much she meant to me enough.
I try, every day, to make that happen. In little gestures, or big ones. I'll send her a text saying I love her or do the bigger ones like fly out to see her. Every day, every single day, even when I feel I'm not doing enough, I always try and show my love in some way. Because with everything she has done for me, the least I can do is show her unconditional love.
I'm so proud. I'm so utterly proud. Every day, even when I absolutely can't stand the world, I'm so proud of her, and I'm so proud of me. I'm proud that I have this beautiful girl who trusts me enough to look after her. And I'm so proud of her. She's doing everything to make ends meet. Her husband’s hours kept getting cut and he’s trying to find a job. But she never gave up. She's still here. She's fighting. She's being so brave, she's not losing herself in all of it. She's carrying on as best she can. And I'm so damn proud of her for that. For not giving up when it would be easier to give in.
I know, with how I talk on here, that maybe it only seems like I love her because she's my baby, but there's so much more than that. I love her completely. Every part of her is so special and so perfect because they make her who she is. I love the Wiccan in her, that loves nature and incense and pentagrams. I love the cat person in her, who has like four cats in her home and even though they're crazy she adores them. I love the horror movie fan in her, because we can watch those movies together and enjoy it, when nobody else I know will. I love the best friend I have in her, that I can talk to when things go to shit. And I love the fighter in her. She doesn't give up, on me or anybody or anything, and I love that. And I love the little girl in her that I can cherish and give presents to, because seeing that kind of innocence gives me hope that the world isn't so bad.
I cannot imagine my world without her. So many times when I have wanted to give up, and I haven't had the will to go on, I think of her, and I get my strength back. I remember my purpose when I look at her. I am reminded of all the good in the world. She gives me such hope, and such joy. I am so truly blessed to have her, and not a day goes by that I don't thank the heavens for having her in my life.
Raevyn, it's been two years since you gave me the most incredible gift I will ever receive. Your love, your trust, your happiness, and your faith in me have gotten me through more struggles than I can name. Just seeing your face makes me happy and gives me hope for a better day. I will never be able to express just how much you have changed my life. You have made me into what I have wanted most to be- a Mommy. And I will spend however long it takes- hopefully the rest of my life- showing you just how special you are. I love you, and I am so proud of you, and all you have accomplished. I cannot imagine my life without you in it.
I am so grateful to you for every moment we have spent together the past two years. You are so beautiful, and so strong, and so incredible. I am amazed every day when I look at you. Your strength, your courage, your determination, they encourage me. But more than that, you inspire me. You are my greatest muse, and so much of my work would not be possible without you. I am so utterly blessed to have you. You are the best thing I ever did with my life. So much of the time, I don't see. I get so caught up in little details of my day that sometimes I don't look outside the mirror. But you help me see. I can't see too far past my front door most of the time, but with you, I see all the way across the ocean. And even though the road I've been on in life has been paved with hardships, I wouldn't change a thing, because it got me here, to be in your life.
I love you so much, Princess. I always will. Thank you for the best two years of my life. To quote "Hailie's Song" by Eminem-
"Some days I sit staring out the window
Watchin' this world pass me by
Sometimes I think there's nothin' to live for
I almost break down and cry
Sometimes I think I'm crazy
I'm crazy, oh, so crazy
Why am I here?
Am I just wasting my time?
But then I see my baby, suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes, oh, noSometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leaning on me
'Cause sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
But then she comes back to me."
I love you so much, baby girl! 
Happy two year anniversary!
Love,
Mommy
A day to Remember
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