Random Ramblings CCCLXXVIII · 1:30am Aug 2nd, 2019
IN WHICH I, UH, EXIST, OR SOMETHING
Creativity/Productivity is a fragile flower. I have a brown thumb, which doesn't help in the Garden of My Mind…
I have no idea where I'm going with this, but let's see where it takes us, shall we?
In a brief burst of drive to actually do something, I almost finished editing Chapter Eight of Anon-A-Fix. I'm satisfied with all the stuff I added. Only 25 words to go before the word-count is even and I can move on. Perhaps it's a little ironic that it took a severe depressive low to get me to write Sunset's own (which had already manifested at this point in the original Anon-A-Miss story, so it's not self-insert).
By the way, I've established in several of my previous Sunset stories that she has a habit of talking to inanimate objects and sometimes naming them, so it's not at all out of character for her to have a conversation with a fire hydrant.
Do Equestria Girls have menstrual cycles? Obviously, since it's a kids' franchise, something like that is never confirmed or denied. And it's not really something I want to deal with either. Horses of course, like most animals other than humans, have an estrus cycle. My official answer is that since Sunset has such a profound effect on how the EQG-verse works, and she also likely is not aware of any other reproductive cycle other than "heat" despite her being well-read, that the humanoids in that world simply lack that trait. Lucky her. Of course Sunset's own lack of sexuality also plays a role in why that is.
Yeah, in my headcanon, Sunset is all but asexual. The "Romance Arc" where she gets together with Rarity was something I did purely for my readers (and myself, if I'm being honest).
I had a dream yesterday in which my ex appeared. I barely even remember the context, but it only served to remind me of how alone I am, how pointless life is. I'm also upset because I was turned down for a crash-couch for one of the two regional concerts I'm set to attend. My immediate thought was: "Y'all would say yes without hesitation if it was her." Makes me wonder if I really have any friends at all. She's all married and shit, and probably happy with her mister-perfect. Meanwhile, I sleep 10-16 hours a day contemplating the pros and cons of ending my pathetic life.
I hate seeing other people happy. I really hate seeing babies. I don't want kids (no disrespect to my readers who have them), and part of me feels guilty about that, amongst many other things. I've made so many wrong choices over the past 15+ years and I've no one to blame but myself. People have their own shit they're going through, so I'm not about to reach out to anyone …not sure if this counts; I consider this blog more of a rant than anything.
Two years ago I was asked a pointed question by my shrink -- "Do you want to get better?" At the time I said yes, but now I'm not sure. What is "better"? Being a productive member of society? Yeah that's not happening anytime soon. I'm an unemployed loser, mostly because I'm too afraid to put my real self out there. Republicans, if they knew me, would see me as just another parasite (never mind that I pay taxes too, just not payroll & FICA). I'm a taker, not a maker, and therefore undeserving of life. White-Jeebus decreed it.
My mother keeps asking me if I'm okay since I've been spending so much time in bed. Of course I'm not fucking okay. But she has enough to deal with due to her empath powers. My dad's literally teetering on the edge of life and death some days so no point bothering him either.
Regardless, I went to the gym this morning and then to the store. August & September are going to be extremely difficult months financially -- they traditionally always have been due to school fees, but I'm out of school. However, with the concert tickets I already paid for plus plane tickets I haven't coupled with expenses that always hit around this time of the year, yeah I'm not a happy camper. I can technically afford it all; I just hate spending money.
As I write this, I keep closing my eyes. I haven't had anything to eat in almost twelve hours. I'm debating whether to eat now or wait until my mother goes to bed so I can have my home to myself.
I see people that I used to know, and they're all happy and shit, mostly in stable relationships, and I hate them for it. No, I still haven't gotten over having my ass dumped, even though ultimately it was for the best, it just puts into sharp relief that I'm a nonentity without my ex. She was always the life of the party and I'm the death of it, perfectly content to be a wallflower. It's also why nothing I write ever makes the big favourite lists and reviewers always find something to slam -- I'm simply not good enough.
I'm tired. I'ma close my eyes for a bit. Maybe I'll work more tonight, maybe not.
Peace out.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. I hope things get better for you. I'll also toss up an offer to chat if you feel like blowing off steam. I won't say I've experienced what you've gone through, but I will say tehre were some really rough weeks in Nagasaki during the darkest, coldest most miserable week during New Years when everyone either went home or all the couples were paired off. New Year's Eve there is probably unsurprisingly lonely for an American.
Words are fucking hard and I've gotten nearly nothing done except for adding onto my damn outline.
I'm having issues with the whole s/o thing too, but I've already vented to a bunch of friends about it so I don't wanna go through that again. Just know that I feel where ya stand and I'm in pretty much the same boat atm and probably will be for awhile.
As I write this I'm waiting for a Digiorno pizza to cook because today's been an absolutely shite day.
Get some sleep. It helps. It always does. And tbh, at least you've gotten in the featured box before. I'm still massively unpopular mostly because of how intense my story is. However I do have almost 50 consistent views so that's good.
My man, I’m nowhere near qualified to speak into your experiences right now, but I hope things continue to go well with your shrink. My heart aches to see how dark the times seem to be around you.
I try not to swear very often, so brace yourself, because I’m probably not very good at it.
But seriously, fuck the voices telling you that you shouldn’t exist. If you’ve been beaten down by shitty Christians and shitty Republicans, then fuck them, too. God knows there are plenty of shitty Republicans out there these days, to the point where I feel pretty uncomfortable with the R that’s always been on my voter registration card. And I know as well as anyone that sometimes my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ get their heads so far up their own asses that it’s no wonder their mouths seem only good for spewing shit.
Yeah. I’m really fucking alone on here a lot of the time, because I’m one of the few weirdos on the orthodox side of the fence that has a foot in both worlds. I very often have no damn clue what to do or say to either side, because I know that a lot of people are hurting, and it’s sometimes even people I know who contribute to that. But honestly man, you deserve to know that you have value, even if you don’t see it, feel it, or know how to articulate it to yourself or others. Every time I see you say something about how the darkness is closing in on you, I keep wanting to stand up and scream against that darkness with the best and only message of love that I know.
Fuck the darkness. I hope you’re getting help. People are out here who care. You may be alone in one sense, but not in all senses.
I’m... sorry that came out of nowhere. I hope not to make a habit of going off the deep end. But I had to say something, and you deserve to hear it.