noise."Story: Several Silly Short Stories for Sunday · 4:49am Jul 28th, 2019
More random horse facts than you can shake a stick at!
And if that wasn’t enough, I never sent it to my pre-readers, who might have questioned my sanity, or if you can follow an en dash with an em dash.
The only logical way to address this abomination is in chapter order, so here we go!
Chapter the First:
From the Gameloft game
Applejack is named for a type of alcohol, specifically Applejack. Laird’s of New Jersey is actually the oldest distillery in the US; they have license number 1, and they still sell applejack, although it isn’t jacked anymore.
See, there are two ways to concentrate alcohol. One is evaporation, relying on the fact that water and alcohol evaporate at different temperatures. You let the water go off as steam, and collect the alcohol in a condenser. The other method relies on freezing, and the fact that the freezing point of alcohol is much colder than water. Skim off the ice, and your brew is more potent than it was when you started.
This is not without problems. Humans can’t process methanol (a type of alcohol) in a safe manner. As I recall--and I’m too lazy to look it up--the intermediate steps it takes in your body are formaldehyde and formic acid, neither of which are particularly good for you, at least if you want to live and want to have eyesight.
If you concentrate to a low proof, that’s not a problem, which is why ice beers are a thing. A high proof, though, you’ve got a potentially lethal concentration of methanol in your brew. Now, that can be filtered out, but . . .
Every bit of research I’ve done thus far implies that equines can process methanol, and the intermediate steps don’t hurt them. Furthermore, Fiaura said that in her research into the subject, equines don’t process all the alcohol, only ten percent or so, and they just pee the rest out.
Which, in a nutshell, means that if you get into a drinking contest with an equine, the most likely outcome is that you’ll go blind.
And then you’ll die.
Chapter the Second:
Ponies don’t eat meat, according to Pinkie Pie. So why do they have pigs?
Well, pigs will eat a lot of things, and according to the movie Snatch, they’ll eat flesh if they’re hungry.
Clearly, the only reason that Applejack has Piggington is to dispose of unwanted bodies.
Chapter the Third:
Equines (and many other herbivores) can eat things that are poison to humans. Things like poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, and stinging nettles. Obviously, since none of the things on the aforementioned list are poison to equines, they wouldn’t call them poison ivy, poison sumac, etc.
They probably do taste different than normal, non-poison ivy, sumac, etc. So, the ponies might just call them ‘spicy.’
Some percentage of people are immune to poison ivy, but for those who aren’t, touching it is bad enough. Eating it is worse, and while I’ve never tried (and won’t), it’s fair to assume that it requires immediate medical treatment.
Moral: salads are dangerous.
Chapter the Fourth:
Chainsaws are canon.
Source
Chapter the Fifth:
If your kids got that joke, it’s not my fault
Lighthoof is one of the cheerleader ponies in a recent episode of MLP I haven’t actually seen yet. She’s the blue one.
Source Unknown
Most mammals have nipples, male and female. There are, however, a few exceptions, and you won’t be surprised to discover that horses are on this list.
Chapter the Sixth:
When you’re a prey animal, you’ve got a few choices to survive. One of them is to be hard to spot, so predators can’t find you. The other is to be as bright as a neon sign because you’re poisonous, and you want every predator to see you and say, “Oh hell no.” Like those frogs in the Amazon, you know, the ones that you can lick and then you’ll understand triangles.
As we all know, ponies are brightly colored. Especially this trio.
Sure, they look cute. But they’re deadly poison.
Ponies are poison? Got it.
But wait, wait. Does that mean they're like poison dart ponies?
Go back! It's a trap! There's education in here!
I learned a lot today! Don't go to Equestria. If you do go to Equestria, you will die.
So, what are the other ways you can die in Equestria?
Something's always bugged me. If ponies don't eat meat, then whose bright idea was it to include that ham sandwich that showed up way back in Season 1? Bird in the Hoof
...Eh. I need to stop thinking about these things.
Well that explains kirin beer.
5095302
That would explain why they are brightly colored. Heck in another story where first contact is with Equestria that is pointed out and that they admit they are a prey spices but are the dominant superpower where they come from.
Haven’t read this yet. This is based on the description. Contains NUMEROUS F-bombs
I thought chapter six was going a different way. Unless conditioned from birth, horses don’t like their teats touched. I thought the protagonist’s fatal mistake was going to be trying for second-base.
Nah. I don't buy the poisonous ponies bit.
Why? Parrots. All the vibrant and poisonous critters are either cold blooded or invertebrates. Birds are warm blooded vertebrates, and most are not poisonous, and as far as I can tell, no species of parrot is, and as far as coloration goes, they might be the best match.
Also I would not have eaten that salad! I made the spicy=poison connection right away, but even if I hadn't, I've only ever heard of sumac being poisonous, so that would be a no.
And I was told not to drink jacked beverages....
Oh, and... I heard that some small percentage of stallions do have nipples?
Ponies brightly coloured chainsaws are powered by powdered poison sumac?
5095302
That’s why they’re the bosses of Equestria.
Yes, more or less.
5095304
If nothing else, everybody who read this just learned at least one thing they didn’t know about equines.
5095307
Honestly, that does seem quite likely.
I’m so glad you asked!
5095308
Who says they don’t?
IRL horses do.
No you don’t.
5095313
derpicdn.net/img/view/2019/1/6/1927785.jpeg
And honestly, that’s no weirder than civet coffee.
5095319
Let’s be honest, the vast majority of the creatures in Equestria are a lot bigger than ponies, and yet it seems to be ponies who rule everyone else. We don’t see griffons snatching ponies for snacks, or dragons, or anything else . . . why not? If they were highly poisonous, that would be a very good reason to not eat them.
Also, comic canon is that a hydra will eat a minotaur.
5095344
That’s actually a fair summary of at least part of the story.
5095362
Honestly, unless well-conditioned, horses really do’t like being touched anywhere. I could find any number of videos of feral horses kicking or biting people who got too close. At least on IRL horses, when you put your body down there, she can get you with all four hooves, easily.
Also, related, I just came across a YouTube video last night of a woman milking her Frisian mare.
I have to assume that the ponies are less kicky when it comes to that, but they might not be.
5095363
Okay, it is silly and there’s very little canon evidence for it, but it’s a fun what-if.
As I recall, platypuses have venom, and I suspect they’re one of the very few mammals that do. Hedgehogs can also make themselves poisonous, but they’re not naturally poisonous.
So maybe that’s how the ponies do it; they’re not naturally toxic, but they eat something or put something in their shampoo that makes them poisonous.
There are non-poison kinds, and there’s stuff from normal sumac that a person can eat; however, that’s one of those things where if you aren’t very confident in your plant-identifying abilities, you shouldn’t try and eat it. Same thing goes with mushrooms, IMHO.
Which is wise.
There are ways to manage the methanol content (filtering processes and whatnot), but if it doesn’t hurt ponies to drink it, why would they?
That’s possible, I don’t know for sure. That would likely be a mutation, though, rather than the normal way of development.
I also feel that I found a source that said that male donkeys do have nipples, but I couldn’t find it when I was looking last night.
5095374
Well, why not? You can burn the stuff, especially if it’s in powder form, and it’s a green, renewable fuel. Just don’t breathe the exhaust . . . it’s poison.
5095538
Actually, I do need to stop thinking about those things. My motto when it comes to fiction is "don't ask questions, just have fun", and thinking too much about minor details goes against that.
5095539
That panel never gets old.
In the situations described in these stories, the "SoL" tag takes on an alternate meaning—at least for the humans.
And magic is radioactive. And therefore so is friendship.
The most expensive coffee is one properly prepared after being... enhanced within a small cat.
So, clearly the most expensive beer should one that's been properly prepared after concentration within a small equine. I wonder if science has tried this yet...
EDIT: So, I relayed this demented thought exercise to my roommates. A rather lively discussion about the potential flavor nuances arose. We are some messed up fans.
5095559
It really doesn’t.
5095764
Yes, it very much does.
5095855
“Twilight, I don’t feel so good right now.”
“Why not, Anon? I just gave you ten thousand sieverts of friendship.”
5095939
Yes, civet coffee.
I can’t imagine that they have . . . further research is needed.
From everything I’ve heard, there’d certainly be some hay flavor going with it. Which, depending on the desired result, might not be a bad thing.
Also, there’s nothing wrong with this kind of discussion. It’s not like Hasbro is going to explain it in an episode.
5096334
"Alright, Misty, I need you to eat this corn, a few pine needles, and some brown sugar. Then drink a gallon of vodka. And then pee in that jug."
Wait...
I wonder if that would allow you to get the flavor of spicy oak, ivy, or sumac, but not the deleterious associated effects...
5096353
Honestly, that’s not conceptually different than corn-fed beef or clover honey or whatever.
It certainly might. . . .
Don't you mean ethanol?
Methanol is usually made from the wood, not the apples.
5100314
From Wikipedia:
In a nutshell, the reason freeze distillation is illegal in the US is that you run the risk of having dangerous or lethal amounts of methanol in your ethanol. Now, for ponies, that wouldn’t be an issue; according to my research, they can drink methanol and it won’t hurt them. For humans, that’s a problem.
5095547
not to ponies, it isn’t. Though, I still don’t agree on ponies being poison.
5104163
Yes, that’s a good point.
That’s fair. I don’t think they are, either, but it was a nice silly bit to end the story with.