"I'll Always Be There For You" · 9:15pm Jul 25th, 2019
"No matter what happens, you know you'll have me there. This one's for life."
Today would've been his 26th birthday.
If things had turned out differently, we'd be spending today looking through cheesey hot topic shirts at the mall or seeing which one of us could eat a foot-long sub faster (It was usually him, surprisingly enough). We might've spent the night playing old wrestling games or throwing down old Yu-Gi-Oh cards from haphazard decks we'd made in the last twenty minutes. All of our friends would probably be laughing at his goofy antics or the ridiculous jokes we would always bounce off of each other. Those are the kinds of things we always spent our birthdays doing, and what I thought we would have for the rest of our lives.
If any of you don't know, a year and a half ago my best friend committed suicide. Today marks the second of his birthdays I've spent without him. I wrote Some Mistakes Are Forever for him, and to maybe try to work through and process everything that's happened.
This isn't really going to be a happy blog post. I'd love to tell you that I've grown stronger through the ordeal and that I'm doing better now despite it, but I don't want to get anyone's hopes up. A day doesn't go by when I don't think about him and all the missed opportunities and mistakes I've made.
The worst thing I ever did to him was telling him I'd always be there. We'd been friends for 10 years, why wouldn't I always expect to have his back? I was young and naive and believed in myself far too much. I can't even count how many times I told him I'd always be there or that he'd always have me to rely on. Too many times I think. All I ended up doing was lying to him. Getting his hopes up that he'd always have someone that'd have his back. I wasn't there when he needed me most, and it costed both of us so much that we'll never get back.
I know, "Holy it's not your fault! You couldn't have known!". But I did. I'd talked him down from the ledge before. When everything came crashing down in his life, I was there before. After we'd been separated he thought I was just mad at him. My brother told me as much. I wanted to have that friendship back, and so did he. In one of his final journal pages, he even lamented those very words. In his own writing he asked why. Why was the one person who said they'd always be there not be there? If a bond that strong could falter what was the point in trying to make them at all? It's something I certainly think about often.
So after a lot of deliberation, I do still blame myself. I know for a fact this wouldn't have happened had I just reached out and talked to him. If we were still together we'd talk it through like we always did and we'd both move on. We'd both laugh it off and have fun today like we'd always had. But that's not what happened. He had no one at the lowest point in his life, so he ended it. Not a day goes by where I don't remind myself how different things would have been if I'd just been better. I do my best to try to improve myself so this doesn't happen again, but it'll never be enough.
The pain of hearing those words and thinking the person who said them doesn't care anymore leaves a deep, everpresent scar--one I really wouldn't wish on anyone. I've had it happen to me from some of the people I loved most in the world as well. I used to drive myself insane wondering why they would do that to me when they promised they never would. I'd harbor the pain of being lied to and realizing someone I was so close to stopped caring about me completely. I'd ask the universe what I did to deserve that kind of betrayal, but in the end I suppose it's some sort of cosmic retribution for my worst mistakes. I tell myself I can get better, that I can become a person people would actually want to keep in their lives, but on the other hand it's hard to trust myself anymore. I don't blame anyone that's told me that and then pushed me away now. I know it was because of me. I wasn't good enough to be worth keeping around--the more I think about it the more I think I'll never be, especially not after all the gargantuan fuck-ups I seem so prone to. Maybe I'm wrong and I can improve it--Lord knows I'm trying. I suppose only time can really tell.
I don't really know what the point of all this is. There's not really a lesson here. Maybe I'd say keep the people you love close and never let petty squabbles keep you from being together. Maybe this is just a warning that even your closest friends could end up abandoning you when you need them the most. Maybe this is just a confession from a guilty soul who wishes they could finally work up to being someone worth trusting again. Your guess is honestly as good as mine. Just always keep your friends close and don't let insignificant things tear you apart, if you can help it.
Do your best to not end up like I have. After everything that happened I'm in the darkest time of my life now. I'm slowly getting more and more isolated as time goes on, and it's days like these I yearn to just be able to reach beyond this mortal plane to apologize and finally make things right. To talk to him one last time and tell him I always loved him and never wanted him to ever think otherwise. Maybe one day we can see each other again, if you believe in that sort of thing. Certainly wouldn't be the first time I've wanted to follow him through the end, and it probably won't be the last either. I said I'd wait the ten months before I do something like that anyway.
Happy Birthday, Lee. I'm sorry I wasn't there.
Gonna stop droning on now. I'm sure you guys are tired of it by this point anyway. There's a new chapter of Some Mistakes Are Forever out and I'm also working on another depressing piece that sould be out soon. Finally getting some work done at least so you guys can get some content.
Sorry for your loss, Holy. I hope it gets better for you some day.
(cyber hug) I'm here for you if you need it
I suppose the only thing that can be taken away from what happened is "never again", I guess. I don't think he wanted you to blame yourself for what happened, though (not that that has ever stopped anyone from feeling guilty). Just try to live your life, to the best extent that can, and maybe go further.
Letting it off your chest is never a bad thing. Letting it build and fester over time? That is
As trite as it may sound, I hope you find positivity in your life again someday. Try to be the best person you can be.
Sorry for your loss friend
I'm sorry you feel this way.
But at least your getting your feelings out in a productive way: by writing about them.
I hope you can one day feel better.
I don't have much words to offer to you, Holy... But I think Lee would be proud that you wrote this blog & Some Mistakes Are Forever in his memory...
Holy.. form someone who has lost their best friend.. to suicide no less... I know only one thing... you can never forget who they were... because they took a piece of your life when they died.. so just leave that piece gone.. and just remember them and honor their life... the best you can... Maybe you can blame yourself... but would he want you to? Also.. you make me say this... live for yourself and for them.. live for two since one can't and always pray for who ever you believe or no one at all. Just never forget who they were.
For my Friend Zachery who died 3 years ago.. and for your friend, Lee, as well... let us live for them Holy..
Sincerely,
TheBlueRogue
(End of line but not of life)
About 12 years ago now, my best friend had also gotten himself killed. That was all on him though. He was going way too fast down a windy road, probably to get a thrill with his crush in the passenger seat. He ended up briefly off the road, then over-corrected right into an oncoming SUV. He and his crush both died immediately on impact.
He asked me if I wanted to hang out the night before. I told him no. Because I wanted to play some MMO. Some nights, maybe down to three or four a year now, my mind wanders back to the hours, days, and months after I found out, and I get a flood of how it all felt back then. There are so many things I regret from back then. I was so unbelievably stupid and shallow, and some part of me still feels like I deserved the subsequent several years of depression, frustration, and suicide attempts. If you told me back then that, one day, I wouldn't hate my life with a passion, and that I wouldn't fantasize every night about death, I would not have thought twice about how full of shit you were.
But such is life. There's now something I feel is more worthwhile.
I don't think it matters if it was your fault. I don't think it matters what you deserve. What matters is that your friend had his own torch to carry, and he had his own way of spreading life to those around him. He's having some trouble doing that now, but maybe you can help. If your friend was anything like mine, and it sounds an awful lot like he was, then I think you'll have a lot to learn from the endeavor. A lot more than your regrets can ever teach you, anyway.
Cheers, to Andrew and Lee.