• Member Since 17th Jun, 2013
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Hopeful_Ink_Hoof


[He/Him] Just a writer who likes MLP and hopes to make a living off it: https://ko-fi.com/ink_hoof

More Blog Posts180

  • 15 weeks
    Still Getting Attention For Some Reason

    So, it has been over a year since I last posted or updated a story (August 2021), and almost a year since I announced i was giving up on continuing any stories here. Yet, somehow, I am still getting notifications that people are liking my stories, and even occasionally getting new followers.

    I'm kind of curious as to why?

    Read More

    5 comments · 189 views
  • 58 weeks
    A Classic Returns

    0 comments · 227 views
  • 63 weeks
    Giving Up

    Well, I'm admitting defeat. The stories that I have here but have not finished are now officially cancelled. After all this time, it seems unlikely that I will be continuing to work on them. Sorry to those who were hoping that they would keep going, but hopefully you understand.

    11 comments · 340 views
  • 116 weeks
    MLP, D&D, and breath weapons

    Something I was thinking about the other day.

    In the show, we have dragons of numerous colors, but they all breathe fire. Some of them are of different colors, but it is fire all the same.

    Read More

    6 comments · 453 views
  • 132 weeks
    Crazy Cat Owner Chrysalis Dramatic Reading

    It seems that Melody Song has decided to do a dramatic reading of my story: Crazy Cat Owner Chrysalis.

    0 comments · 247 views
Jul
19th
2019

Bad Book Review 06 (The Guardian, Chapter 07) · 8:43pm Jul 19th, 2019

Our quest for coherent plot continues!

Last time, we combined chapters five and six into one go through. Chapter five had us introduced to a new character, one "Detective Cameron," who believes the man dressed in black was responsible for the suicides of members of the clergy, somehow knowing said man was with the victims even though there were no witnesses around at the time. Chapter six introduced us to a couple having an argument, had the man in the couple tried to get killed by police shooting him, "hinted" (as in not subtly) Cameron was not a normal human, and ended with him chasing the man in black, who escaped.



Taking a look now, it seems that I should have combined four and five together, since they're more interconnected, and then had six and seven together since they're about Sal and Lupe.

Chapter seven opens with Lupe having just learned from the police about what happened with Sal. Lupe is drinking and having a bit of an emotional breakdown, blaming herself for what happened and missing him.

As she gets more alcohol, she suddenly feels someone in her home.

A man in a black coat was standing there. He had a charming presence about him, handsome, tall, powerfully built, with wavy dark hair and eyes of the brightest blue. They almost seemed to glow. He had a hypnotic gaze.

Wait. "Wavy dark hair?" This is supposed to be our killer, I'm pretty sure of it. But, in chapter three, we are told that he has close-cropped blond hair. There are two possibilities. One is that he was able to change his hair length and color, which I suppose is possible since he's not supposed to be human. The other possibility is that Miss Price forgot that she had included that detail or the description, and then put the different in at the later point, not realizing the contradiction.

I suppose another possibility is the mislead from chapter five, having we the readers think that Cameron might be the killer, but that would kind of be a waste if that was the entirety of it. If that had been the intent, then it would have been better to keep him as a red herring for a while longer. Not have him point out the man in black meeting the victims just before they kill themselves. Avoid having him try to save Sal. Imagine how strange it would be to both Kirkland and us the readers if we suddenly saw Cameron run off right after the death with no explanation. Not only would it keep the twist of Cameron not being human a secret for a while longer, but it would be suspicious and have we the readers possibly wondering what he's hiding.

Instead, we just get the killer having a sudden change in hair color and style with no explanation.

Lupe grabs a knife, and asks who he is. This leads to a conversation where the man talks about how he wants to help Lupe, and her not really being interested.

The man finally identifies himself as... GABRIEL!

*Cue dramatic music*

Lupe cries and drinks a little more, and Gabriel asks her to, "Tell me about Sal. Tell me everything."

We have a scene change to a drunk Lupe on the couch, telling stories about her and her relationship with Sal. She is also finding Gabriel very attractive. Finishing off her vodka, Lupe goes back to the kitchen to get more alcohol.

Gabriel came up to her and put his hands on her shoulders. He started to whisper softly, seductively in her ear.

"You need me."

Lupe seems hypnotized by this and rubs the neck of a bottle of gin she found.

Gabriel says that he can make the pain go away, then asks if Lupe believes in guardian angels. After Lupe says yes, he asks about them being able to touch people. He then takes a hold of her hands and has her reach for the butcher knife she grabbed earlier.

Gabriel mentions that Sal wore a crucifix, and claims, "It led him to a better place..." While doing this, he has Lupe grab the knife. Gabriel asks if Lupe wants to be in a better place and with Sal as he makes her raise the knife directly over her stomach. He offers to help her be free, and releases his hold of her arms, then says she has to help him as he moves away.

The knife plunged into Lupe's stomach as she let out a blood-curdling scream.

And so ends this chapter. And we now have a name for our killer!

Before closing out, I want to make one last comment on the chapter. Some of the wording in the last scene where Gabriel is having Lupe lift the knife is a bit strange. Lupe is standing in the kitchen, right in front of some cabinets. I point this out because Miss Price uses words like lifting and raising when talking about the knife and Lupe's stomach. It almost reads like she's lying on her back, and Gabriel is forcing her to lift the knife straight up above her and aim for her stomach, which she is not. I double-checked. Talking about how it is aiming for her stomach, and "over" makes sense, but having the knife "raised above her stomach" doesn't quite work.

Well, that brings this chapter and my few comments on it to a close.

Until next time.

Ink Hoof.

Comments ( 1 )

My first thought: This is a sex scene that will end in murder. Shit like this always has a random sex scene

Then I read how she was murdered... and I was legitimately disappointed at myself for thinking that! I built up an idea of this story in my head, and forgot it was probably a mystery thriller. Unless you skimmed the sexy bits and just led straight to the murder. Is it honestly that fast paced and full of whiplash or is that just your summery? It's honestly a bit hard to understand!

But very entertaining!

Also now I have the main protagonist of Castlevania Lords of Shadow/2 as our villain. I think Gabriels will forever look like that to me!

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