Bad Book Review 04 (The Guardian, Chapter 04) · 9:24pm Jul 17th, 2019
Another day, another chapter. Last time we had: a confessional that experienced two biblical plagues; a priest who died of shock from said plagues; and a nun that doused herself in gasoline and set herself on fire.
And to think that is all a step down in amount of destruction from chapter 2.
Chapter 4 (which is only about one page long) starts with Kirkland and Max returning to the police office, where they are met by the chief:
...Materas, fifty years old and looking as if he was always on the verge of a heart attack, as he burst out of his office and walked down the hall towards them. "What the hell went on back there?" he demanded. He was extremely agitated.
First, how does someone look like they're "always on the verge of a heart attack?" I mean, on one hand, it sounds like a great way to put that someone is constantly under stress and it is getting to them. Is he sweating? Red-faced? Grabbing at an arm like it might hurt? Working his jaw in some way that indicates its aching? Pretty sure that if he was feeling dizzy or lightheaded, something would have happened, like he would stumble or such.
Second, "He was extremely agitated." To start, this doesn't seem necessary. Something about the previous paragraph reads to me like he was extremely agitated already. Next, it would be better to kind of show that. Or at least make it something done in such a way that one of the characters come to a conclusion. This ties into the final part, which is that it would be better before the chief spoke. He comes out of his office and walks toward the two officers. It would be a great time to have that agitation show up. In his walk, his posture, how he is holding his hands or arms. You could even expand it to the environment, having other officers rushing to get out of his way or something. Then, when he asks "What the hell went on back there?" we have a better idea of how he is feeling at that point. Even his asking that could be used to show his feelings.
"What the hell went on back there?" he bellowed, voice echoing through the office.
"What the hell went on back there?" he snarled out from between clenched teeth.
Or you could use neither.
"WHAT THAT HELL WENT ON BACK THERE?!"
Bold and italics are also options. I bring this up but didn't use it in the above example due to the following paragraph:
Kirkland walked toward his desk and another officer handed him a file as he walks past. "A priest dies of shock---God knows why---then a nun turns into Joan of Arc ---hell, I don't know! I tried to stop her." He said to Materas. "Jesus. Don't get on my case now. I've just been through hell." He thought to himself, although he wanted to scream the words at Materas.
The smaller, issue with this paragraph is: the punctuation on the use of said. In this, it is set up like a separate sentence, not directly connected with what is actually being said. it's supposed to be like "'end of sentence,' (noun) said."
The bigger issue is that we have two quotes in a paragraph, close together, but one is being spoken, and the other is being thought. The said statement is the only thing separating them. So, someone who's reading this (like me) is going to read it all together, thinking it is all being said, until hitting "he thought." It's going to create a moment of confusion as the reader has to process what they read and go back to mentally correct it.
In this case, the thought line needed to be the start of a separate paragraph, and probably without quotation marks. Either having it be in italics, or simply having it be as plain text if that was not possible for some reason.
Although, thinking about it, it would make more sense to put it before the comment.
"What the HELL went on back there?"
Jesus, don't get on my case now! Kirkland thought,walking toward his desk. I've just been through hell!
An officer handed him a file as he walked past.
"A priest dies of shock," he said instead, "God knows why, then a nun turns into Joan of Arc!" He let out a sigh, shoulders sagging. "I tried to stop her..."
A bit more creative editing to it, but it's at least a bit more clear and understandable. Plus it gives the moment a bit more emotion into the whole thing. Notice, I didn't add much, but I find it much more effective.
Next paragraph:
He handed Materas the file. "So she just fried herself. Did she say why?" Materas asked tersely.
The rule of new speaker, new paragraph had been pointed out on here before, such as when a young writer has two characters both speak in the same paragraph. This is so that it helps make clear that someone else is speaking. However, that does no good if you have the new paragraph start by focusing on one character -- the one who has been the focus of the previous paragraph, then immediately have another character speak. The new quote is still going to be read in the voice of the previous character. In this case, it's assumed that Kirkland is the one saying "So she just fried herself."
Although, I think that should be a question. That way it brings more a note of surprise to it.
"So she just fried herself?" Materas asked. "Did she say why?"
Anyway, Kirkland replies, thinks about how much he wants a drink, and this is called by a "computer tech" named Josh. Josh then points to his screen, which shows a recent rise in suicides, and all of them being members of the clergy. When Kirkland asks where, Josh answers: "All over the place man, almost every city."
...
Why not show us that? The story is written in third person, and it's not limited to a single character point of view, so why not show us some of the other "suicides?" It could have been a previous chapter. Go to a different city in California (assuming it is limited only to that state), give us a moment with a church and member of the clergy who works there, mention the mysterious man in black, then show that clergy person suddenly going insane and killing themselves, doing who knows how much damage in the process. Then, have the final church in the series be the one from the second chapter, tying it in to the rest and bringing us to LA. Now we have a bigger mystery, some set up, and the first connection to Kirkland (who I am guessing is supposed to be one of the major characters since he was introduced in chapter 2 and we're following him in chapter 4). It gives a chance to show us what's going on, and if they're all as gratuitous as the first priest or the nun, could make it incredibly shocking to read. That means readers would be even more curious as to what was going on and why.
Getting back to the story as it is, the officers talk about what's going on, how strange it is and what the church has to say about it. Kirkland says that even though it isn't a homicide, he still wants to investigate.
Wait. No. Sorry. I misread that.
Kirkland looked up to see Materas approach him. "Well, I know this ain't no murder case, but I still want you to investigate. " He handed a thick file to Kirkland.
I wasn't going to comment on her doing this again, but then I actually fell into the very mistake I was talking about.
And now that I re-read it, I have to pick at the "ain't no murder case," part. Specifically, the "ain't no." A double negative. Living most of my life in the south, I can deal with "ain't," although it seems odd for a California police officer, but this is a Police Chief. Even if he is someone who transferred from the southern U.S., he would know better than to speak with double-negatives like that.
Also, yes, that errant quotation mark is as it appears in the book.
That brings us to the end of the chapter, where Materas makes the comment, "At the rate they're goin' we won't have anyone left to pray for us."
With that, the chapter comes to an end. We now have a story set up where we have a main character in Kirkland, whose job is to investigate a series of extremely violent suicides performed by members of the clergy.
Maybe we will see how this starts to pay off next time.
Until then.
Ink Hoof.
God, this is like commentary during a movie.. only for books. I read these in my spare time and I look forward to them. Wonder how much further it can go!