Stop All this Weeping, Swallow Your Pride; You Will Not Die, It's Not Poison (Bronycon) · 8:20pm Jun 22nd, 2019
God, my friends are gonna be angry at me for this one.
But don’t worry! They’ll be angry, like. In a sexy way.
Here’s the long story short: Bronycon is happening this August. A lot of people are begging me to come, I’ve been invited to host at least three panels so far, and Monochromatic will not rest until she gets to kill me with her bare hands.
Problem is, of course, that I don’t have the money. I get enough bucko from my job to like, pay my bills and get groceries and so on super reliably. So I don’t need money to live—and I’m completely independent from my family! At age 24! In Spain! That’s so wild—but I also can’t afford plane tickets to America. That’s too much money.
Still, enough people have asked me, and enough people have told me that for SOME FUCKING REASON they want to see me and, probably, kiss my handsome face, that I promised I’d give it an honest try.
It is extremely awkward, and I’m terrible at it.
So I’m going to be brief and honest: this is not an emergency. This is not a matter of life and death, and if you don’t have spare cash to help me, or if you need it for something more important, or if you straight up want me to stay in Spain so you can come to my house and have sex with me here—do so! Absolutely do so. I am very lonely, and extremely pleasant to fuck.
But I want this to be an honest effort, so I’m also asking: if you have money to spare and have no idea what to do with it, consider donating to my GoFundMe. It would help me cross the ocean, see my friends, go to the last Bronycon, and chronicle it all.
The whole thing would be between 1,000 and 1,500 dollars. It’s a lot of money, I’m aware.
Here’s the real question, though—what do you get out of this?
(Aside for the chance to fuck me).
(Which, let’s be honest, is not exactly a rare opportunity. I’m like the wind: free, and will gently caress your genitals if you just go out and drop your pants).
Right, yes, see. See why my friends are going to be sexily angry at me. “HEY I JUST DID THE GOFUNDME BLOG, LOOK, I’M TRYING TO GO AFTER ALL, I CAN JOIN YOUR PANEL AND YELL OBSCENITIES ON THE MICROPHONE” “Why do you literally start the blog telling your followers they don’t have to help you” “I HAVE ISSUES WITH EXPRESSING VULNERABILITY AND ASKING FOR HELP. DO YOU WANT ME TO GENTLY CARESS YOUR GENITALS” “Yes”.
See? Sexy!
I prefer to be honest to you guys, though. If I’m asking you for money, and I am, I want this to be clear. I end every month with around 10 euros in my bank account after groceries and bills (don’t worry: I have some extra saved up for quality-of-life expenses, and patreon and the like help with the rest), so I need the money.
But I only need it if I get to go to Bronycon. I don’t really get to do trips otherwise, and that’s how I would spend my holidays, but that’s it.
No trip, no need for money. This is not an emergency. I can just not go, though I’m afraid I’d disappoint a lot of people.
(More than usual, that is).
So, what do you get out of it all: if I got to go, I’d chronicle it all. That’s the basic gist of it, and it’s on you to see if that’s valuable enough a thing for me to hold it as the main prize for this, uh. Contest?
Is this a contest? This is not a contest. THIS IS WHAT YOU WOULD GET IN EXCHANGE OF GIVING ME MONEY. THIS IS WHAT YOU’RE BUYING.
WORDS.
Last year, due to a miracle and the fact an Elder God had been owing me once ever since that stellar blowjob, I got to go to Bronycon. Once I came back, I wrote it all down: everything that happened, everything that I found funny, everything I deemed memorable, and all the people in there.
Here’s the blog, if you haven’t seen it yet, and here are parts two and three.
It was pretty popular! People liked my descriptions, especially how I described people. Especially the ones I described, I might add—turns out it’s fun to read about what you did in narrative form.
That’s what I would love to do this year. Not just being in the last Bronycon, but writing up the last Bronycon. We have actual journalists in this fandom, but I’m not the respectable kind, so my writeups are more fun and dick jokes and less ‘oh here are some interesting facts that will make you wiser and improve your life.” You come to me to read “OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT PILLOW. IT HAS SWEETIE BELLE’S VAGINA IN IT”.
Does that have any value? Arguable. Can you get it anywhere else? Definitely not.
That’s it, really. That’s all you get.
Ah. Wait, no. No, no, there’s something more. First of all: if I go, I'll be hosting some panels, which will be great because I will fuck up SO HARD. But there’s even more.
I wish I could show you the actual final version of the cover, but sadly, timing’s tight. This is, then, a mock-up, and there’ll absolutely be changes made before the final version hits the shelves.
But the fact remains: there’ll be a book with my fanfiction. And it’ll be in the Bronycon library.
So, that’s another one. If I get to go, you can buy this book—and I’ll sign it for you! I can also kiss it, or hug it tightly so it retains my scent, for you to smell during those lonely winter nights, when I seem so far away, like you only met me in a dream. When you feel you might forget the way my eyes shine under the moonlight, the way my lips whisper your name.
The scent of chocolate and roses, with a hint of spice. It reminds you of Paris, and the dreams we shared back then. You wanted to be a poet. I wanted to run my father’s coffee shop. We’ll do it together, we used to say, remember? You’ll recite your poems, and I’ll serve drinks to those who toss money at you. We’ll be poor, but we’ll be happy.
My father died, though, and the shop with him. I learned to stop chasing beauty for the sake of a broken heart; you stopped writing poems, and found a new life in California.
We’re happy now, sort of. But ah, the winter nights. The scent of roses and chocolate, the whispers of your name, the hint of spice.
Sometimes, all we have are memories. Sometimes, memories are all we need.
Anyway! If you go to Bronycon, and I’m also there, you can buy my book and I’ll sign it!
Don’t worry, though, cause if you can’t go to Bronycon (and even if I can’t go myself), the book will still be available over Lulu, and you can buy it there. No signature, but hey!
This book will have stories, but it will also include an exclusive author note for every story (that’s kind of a blog), and probably an exclusive introduction, too. And there’s another book coming soon, which will include my best blogs (edited for readability and reformatted to fit a book) and probably some new ones, and I will call it a book of “essays” because otherwise my sister will punch my teeth out in shame.
STORIES INCLUDED IN THE ESSENTIAL ARAGÓN
- Daring DONE!
- A Hell of a Time
- Why She Looks So Good
- Love is in Doom
- NO NO NO NO NO WE HATE HIM WE ALL HATE HIM GOSH DARNIT NO JUST DON'T
- A Million Little Lights
- Grave Implications
- Evil is Easy, Governing is Harder
- Crime and Funishment
So look forward to that too! Look forward to everything!
Picture of me! So you can see I’m not kidding when I say I’m handsome! God made me an absolute disgrace of a human being at an intellectual level because it was the only way to make it fair to everyone else.
Not much else to say, really. I know I’ve been silent for a long time; there’s a reason for that, and you’re absolutely going to like it, because there are some spicy new blogs brewing on the side.
But I owe this to all the people who want to see me go to Bronycon, god dammit. And I want to go there myself, too. It would be great. One last song for us to sing, y’know?
So here’s the GoFundMe again. It’s not an emergency, but if you’re going and you want to meet me there, please, consider sparing a couple bucks. If you’re not going but you’d like to read my chronicling of it all, please consider sparing a couple bucks.
And if you won’t go, and you don’t want me to go; if you can’t stand the thought of reading my words again, and feeling that familiar ache in your chest; if you would rather I stay in Spain, where I’m alone, but I’m safe—
Then, know that I love you, and that I will always love you. You were the one that got away, and I will never forget you. I hope you forgive me.
And I hope that, one day, you will feel that old urge, and write poetry again. The world is a scary place. It needs as much beauty as we can give it.
Good bye. And good night. And have sweet, wonderful dreams.
And god dammit, shout out to this blog, because Majin will not stop until the dream of every person in this fandom has come true. You gotta respect that.
Also aragon will touch all of your asses(and mine).
(Especially mine).
There is, I feel, no more quintessential a summation of Aragon than this sentence.
That's a funny way of spelling "adorable."
This is totally a contest. The best type of contest. The type of contest where the winner gets to go to Bronycon, and that winner (by unanimous default) is Aragorn.
Good luck, mate. I'm in much the same situation. Last Bronycon, the cost of a flight to America would be a fortune, plus I'd probably have to take time away from work.
You’re Spanish?
5078163
I am! You can tell by A) the sex appeal, B) the eerie yet unwavering certainty in your gut that I can, and will, cry if you look at me the wrong way.
This also means I'm ESL (and self-taught, to boot!), which I'm sure explains some odd word choices I have now and then. Like 'unwavering certainty'.
5078157
I think this might have to be the epigraph of the book.
5078163
No, he's Aragon.
Can I throw money at you in exchange for you writing an entry for the feghoot contest? Is that bribery?
Speaking of raising money, you’re one of the best comedy writers on this site, so if you entered, you probably would win one of the cash prizes. Cash you can use for BronyCon swag. Like a salacious Rarity dakimakura.
[Note: I am not a judge for this contest, just the organizer. I don’t want the appearance of impropriety. At least of the judging variety. God knows the rest of my life is plenty scandalous as it is.]
5078163
As if he wasn’t sexy enough, yes.
Jesus, I don’t know who Patrick Mead is, but he’s doing God’s work.
Welp, I said I’d chip in 50 bucks and a cup of coffee if you did something like this, and I am good as my word. Heck, I chipped in 50 eurobucks, which is like... 50 bucks plus DLC? I’unno.
Now for the coffee. See you in August, mad lad.
why are you so small
5078195
You know, I didn't want to make a fuss, but now that you point it out... yeah.
Why the fuck are you so small?
5078209
Its one of his Patron rewards.
5078195
5078205
That’s average height in Spain.
OR SO HE CLAIMS
5078151
YOU’RE A SHORT POOPMONSTER
Last time you caressed my genitals I ended up with Aragonorrhea.
I have no money but I wish you luck
5078195
The correct term is fun-sized.
5078256
I laughed.
Just re-read the Bronycon blogs. Man, those were fun. Not to mention just a great capture of fandom con spirit in general. Good stuff.
I'm gonna give you money tomorrow and cry tonight about Pressed For Time not being the book
Suddenly realized that there's a high chance to have you, Wanderer, and Monochromatic all speaking Spanish at each other while onlooker's eyes slowly glaze over as we fail to pick up the bits and pieces that are familiar enough to not sound like alien speak.
I hope this happens and someone gets it on video for me <3
YOU DID IT! A WINNER IS YOU!!!!
I didn't expect you to do this, but god am I glad you did. I was so sad to not get to experience Baltimore, with Aragon* last year and am greatly excited that I will have a second chance.
*This to be read as you would the name of the latest fragrance from Chanel.
5078169
'Unwavering certainty' is as eloquent as anyone can get, so you're good.
While I am looking forward to seeing you again, I dread what will happen if you and Estee end up in the same room.
I won't be making it this year, but I'll be sending my best agent to pick up a copy of that book!
How will we find the book on Lulu?
I never knew I needed this in my life, but I do now.
I was going to donate when I saw that you had already met your goal.
Look, it's not my fault that I'm a little retarded and wind up not following people that I really like from Discord (until it's too late). All I can say is that I'm really happy for you, wish you the best of luck on your travels when BronyCon comes around, and I hope you have the time of your life.