• Member Since 10th Sep, 2017
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BradyBunch


You are going to LOVE ME!

More Blog Posts814

  • Thursday
    Artificial Intelligence

    "Bradybunch, everyone's already given their opinions on it!" Yeah, I know. But before I left the site for two years for a mission, AI was barely cohesive enough to give slurred and static-like voice replication, nonsensical chatbots, and meaningless swirls of shape and color for art. Then, all of a sudden, AI got really good, so I had to try it out. I'm using Bing's AI image generation, which is

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    1 comments · 89 views
  • Monday
    LOTR will never be equaled.

    I was thinking about it while playing Shadow of Mordor and Shadow of War. (My brother gifted them to me for my birthday.) And honestly, the more I reflected on it, the more it made sense. There's a few things that compare in literary achievement, like Dune, but it never made it into modern public consciousness until, like, three years ago. And besides, LOTR wasn't just popular or good-- it

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    4 comments · 137 views
  • 1 week
    I LIIIIIIIIIVE!

    For anyone who was wondering, I was gone for the past two weeks. It's all right.

    Oh, and a new chapter of Faust's Commandment is coming out later today.

    19 comments · 546 views
  • 3 weeks
    Systematic Motherhood Hurts Black America

    Not racism, not evil white people-- but single motherhood, a 64% rate in that demographic. Between welfare systems in the 60s and the sexual revolution, the incentive is now to not have fathers in the home, which creates most neighborhood problems.

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    20 comments · 1,082 views
  • 3 weeks
    Go to church tomorrow

    You know that it needs to happen.

    No further comment.

    3 comments · 226 views
Jun
12th
2019

Naming a star goes horribly wrong · 12:56pm Jun 12th, 2019

"Mister president, we have to allow them to be put through."

"Or what?"

"They'll destroy the planet."

"Fair enough. Put them through."

The president and his advisors, gathered around a laptop in the oval office, watched the screen anxiously as a crouching technician connected the power into the wall. With a spray of static, the screen eventually settled down to display a large white equine with a beautiful flowing mane of pink and green curling around a long white spiraled horn.

"Greetings, Earthlings," said the horselike...thing. "I am Princess Celestia, the leader of the planet Equus. And I have contacted you with a bargain. There are grave implications for your planet in the near future if you refuse it."

"What is it?"

"Two weeks ago, one of your advisors decided to buy a star...which happened to be our sun."

The president blinked. "What?"

"Do not deny it, Mr. President," Celestia asserted. With a glow of her horn a piece of paper floated up in a yellow aura. "I have the official document here from…" She checked the print. "Starnamer dot com."

The president gave the six other people in the room a funny look. Each of them looked bewildered except for the vice president, who flushed a deep scarlet and kicked at the ground.

"Was it you?" the President asked.

"I'm so sorry, President," he bemoaned. "I intended to give it as a 25th wedding anniversary present to my wife."

"How could you?" the Secretary of State whispered.

"I thought it would be harmless! I had no idea of the ramifications."

The Secretary cleared his throat. "No, how could you give your wife such a lame anniversary present?"

"His wife was so upset with him, she made him sleep on the couch," Celestia said.

"That's classified information!" the Vice President blustered at the screen.

"Go on, Vice President," Celestia continued with a hard glint in her eye. "Tell them what you named my sun."

The Vice President mumbled something under his breath.

"What?" the President asked, tilting his head so his ear was closer to him.

"Wounded Lover!" he all but screamed.

"If that's what you named her sun, imagine what you must have named her daughter!" the Secretary of State joked. "HA HA HA HA HA! HA! HA! HA!"

Every single person in the same room as him affixed him with a dirty look. He stopped his forced laughter immediately and looked shamefacedly at the marble floor.

Celestia jabbed out of her end of the screen at the man. "Do you see our problem here? Now every time we go outside we have to say, 'The Wounded Lover sure is strong today! Better put on some Wounded-Lover-screen, or we'll get a Wounded-Lover-burn!'"

"Nobody's making you call it that!" the Secretary of Defense pointed out.

A brown earth pony with a vivid orange bun atop her chocolate head and a pair of glasses on her muzzle popped up next to Princess Celestia. "Actually, we are. Don't worry. Starnamer dot com's lawyers are the best in the galaxy at protecting the interests of its clients."

And she disappeared beneath the surface of the screen.

The President sighed and drummed his fingers on the shiny desk he was sitting behind. "Okay, but is that really enough of a reason to threaten us?"

"It goes deeper than you think, Mr. President," Celestia said, and she had grown quite irate. "You see, I am regarded by many to be a deity of some sort, and I am essentially the princess of the sun. So our society for a long time now has held the sun to be a holy, sacred object." She blew a breath of hot air out of her nose. "And now our churches pray to the Wounded Lover!"

The Vice President hissed uncomfortably and shuffled off to the side.

"Some of our youth have even started to worship the moon!" Celestia relayed in exasperation. She gave a sideways glance. "And it's not even half as good…"

"But still, why invade us?" the Secretary of Defense pleaded. "I mean, not as though you would ever win against America, you know, but still, why would you consider doing something like that?"

"Equestria has become the pansy nation of the entire planet!" Celestia almost exploded. "The griffons are furious with us and have gone in open revolt against us. The changelings are nervous about the stability of their own government. And the yaks are breaking stuff down in Yakyakistan." She tilted her head. "Actually, they do that all the time. But whatever! The point is, we have been attacked fifteen times in the last fourteen days! One of the times, Tirek invaded, and he gave Discord a massive wedgie!"

She then proceeded to show the event happening on screen.

The counselors stuck out their tongues in disgust and leaned back.

Celestia reappeared. "Equestria is weak because foreign nations think our sun is weak! Imagine if he had named our sun Chuck-Deadpool-Norris-Saurus Rex! Do you think anyone would have invaded then? No! And let me tell you, Equestria is incredibly easy to invade. It's a green land filled with gold, diamonds, cupcakes, friendship, and populated by cute little ponies!"

"So what do you want me to do?" the President asked plaintively. "Do you want me to give you money, or…"

"There is no amount of money that can atone for what you have done," Celestia whispered. "But if you give me a promise that your Vice President will-"

She cut herself off as a scroll appeared in front of her with a poof. Unraveling it, she looked it over briefly before sighing, rolling it back up, and addressing the cabinet members. "Well, that's just dandy. Apparently, Twilight Sparkle just saved Equestria again. With rainbow power." She shrugged. "I don't even know how that works." She gave each of them a disinterested glance. "I hope you're happy."

And the screen cut off from her end.

The cabinet members gave a collective sigh of relief and clapped each other on the back. When the Vice President tried to congratulate them, however, the cabinet members shuffled away.

"Well, that could have gone much worse," the President breathed.

"Now what?" the Secretary of Defense asked the President. "Now we know of this intelligent life out there. Should we open up diplomatic arrangements with them, or go all shooty-shooty bang bang?"

"Hold off on the shooty-shooty bang bang for now."

"Aww," he moaned.

The computer screen cut off from its static and abruptly went to an evil-looking alien creature with tentacles in its mouth and four beady black eyes. Dirty armor covered his torso, and a piece of steel was lodged in his face.

Every man in the room gasped. Such a fearsome creature could only have contacted them for one reason.

Then, inexplicably, he lifted up a piece of paper with fine print on the bottom corner.

"Who's the fool," he snarled in a series of guttural pops, "that decided to name my star 'LonelyBoi4Evr?'"

All eyes traveled to the Vice President, who was looking like he would rather die than remain in the same room as them.

"It was a two-for-one special," he gasped.

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Comments ( 2 )

...LonelyBoi4ever?...*dies laugh wheezing*

Oh my God you are so good at these

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