My Movie Review/Extreme Rant on Zoolander · 9:57pm May 26th, 2019
Aloha, Amigos.
This is your friendly film and tv show reporter here with another report.
Now, before I get into what I think of this film, I’d like to ask you all a question:
Has anyone ever wondered what film I believe is one of the worst, if not the worst, movies in existence? One that’s so terrible, I would rate it even below just a one?
Well, look no further, because the answer to your 2-part question comes in the form of THIS COMPLETE MONSTROSITY RIGHT HERE:
“Zoolander”.
To clarify, it’s a live-action PG-13 film.
Anyway, here is the rundown of this dump of a film:
Propelled to the top of the fashion world by a photogenic gaze he calls “Blue Steel”, dimwitted male model Derek Zoolander (played by Ben Stiller) thinks he’s got a fourth consecutive win as male model of the year in the bag.
But, when his newcoming rival, Hansel (played by Owen Wilson), unexpectedly takes the crown, Derek is crushed.
With some friends of his dead and his family giving him nothing but scowls, Derek soon finds himself working for Jacobim Magutu (played by Will Ferrell) under the recommendation of his agent, Maury Ballstein (played by Jerry Stiller).
However, little does Derek know that Jacobim and Maury really only hired him as someone to easily brainwash in order to kill the prime minister of Malaysia.
Before I get into what I think of this movie, I’d like to be upfront about why I saw it to begin with.
Primarily, it was because I was interested in seeing another film starring Ben Stiller, having been a fan of his work in the Madagascar and Night at the Museum series (which I apologize for not reviewing yet, by the way). I was likewise interested in watching another film starring Will Ferrell, being a fan of his voice work in Megamind & The Lego Movie (which I additionally apologize for not reviewing yet).
However, when my Mom and I saw it on Netflix, it turned out to be extremely headache-inducing. So much, that we stopped watching it right before Stiller and Ferrell’s characters meet for the first time.
Here’s why:
The characters overall were just awfully forgettable. As a matter of fact, even after just mentioning the names of the characters played by Stiller, Ferrell, and Wilson, I keep forgetting them afterwards. None of the film’s characters were likeable to begin with. The lead characters in particular were absolute idiots, and their demeanors were that of pouty children, with their performers only seeming to boost that translation.
The performances of the cast were likewise lackluster. The script and direction just seemed to weigh every performer down to where they didn’t even give their all. The only real standout in terms of the cast was the cameo appearance by Donald Trump, which was done long before he became President of the United States.
The story written by Stiller, John Hambug, and the late Drake Sather, as well as the direction by Stiller, were ones that would cause somebody a migraine, if I’m gonna be honest. So many things about them were questionable, and the way they were each played out will actually put someone down more than up because they don’t even have heart.
A prime example comes from the part where those friends of the film’s main character die and how it happened. I’m not someone who normally likes to give spoilers, but, to relieve you all of your curiosity, I’m going to explain.
You see, what happens is that one day, our Stiller-played character and his pals are at a gas station, and while Stiller’s character is busy with something, his pals play around with gasoline from a tank. And then somehow (that being I can’t remember how it happened at the moment), the gas is set on fire and they burn up.
When Mom and I saw the whole thing, the two of us were like, “Really, Man?! That’s what they decided to go with? How can any character be stupid enough to do that?!”
To top it all off, the comedy that the film had was completely unfunny and mean-spirited, none of the jokes being laughable whatsoever. An example that I can think of especially comes from the part where the character played by Jerry Stiller pinches the bottom of a woman. It wasn’t funny. It was literally the most disgusting and despicable thing anyone would do and think of.
In conclusion to it all, “Zoolander” has proven itself to be nothing more than a waste of time thanks to everything I mentioned, and I’m sorry to say that this one’s on Ben Stiller since he was this film’s star, director, co-writer, and co-producer. That’s not to say that the people he worked with aren’t to blame, because it’s their fault too.
So, I rate “Zoolander” a complete 0 out of 5 stars.
Want my advice?
Never go see this movie.
I hope this review was reasonable for all of you. I definitely won’t be reviewing the sequel, that’s for sure.
I must respectfully disagree.
David Bowie's appearance carried more weight.
That aside, yeah...
This film was a bit more mean-spirited than it needed to be.
They had a golden opportunity to present a narrative that 'beautiful' people are not always dim or shallow.
Man, I wasn't planning on seeing this at all, but it's even worse than I suspected.
Somebody grab the popcorn, because we've got a rare occurrence on our hands.
A Man Undercover really hates a movie.
This oughta be interesting. Let's see what's got you so riled up...
*2 minutes later*
OK, I guess I can see where you're coming from.
But I'll be honest with you, Undercover...I've seen worse. I've seen movies and TV shows so bad that you're brain literally feels like it's melting out of your skull. I've seen things that make me question why I want to work in the movie business at all. I've seen things that make me go onto my knees, fold my hands in prayer, and say to God, "Yeah, we really need your help."
What horrors do I speak of, may you ask?
Well, that would be telling.
5065065
I know what you’re talking about.
All I can say in response is that those two tv shows you reviewed, which you did an extreme rant on, have company now.
Well, this doesn’t sound particularly good. I might watch it someday for the same reason you did (Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller), but it doesn’t sound very good, so probably not.
5065077
I may not a whiny b**her and all but, I have my reasons to never view this movie, based on my judgement and its Rotten Tomatoes score.
5065111
Don’t you mean “be a whiny butcher”?
5065396
It's a swear word, not wrong grammar, I was supposed to censor it, but just turn your eyes away.
5065029
Yea indeed. Bowie for the win!
I constantly forget Stiller directed this. Meh, I still don't care to see it. As a side note: I hear the sequel is worse too!