Hanging up the Keyboard (For Now) · 8:23am May 13th, 2019
As time goes on, I'm beginning to think I should have been drawing ponies this whole time instead of stressing myself out over fanfiction—and yes, writing fanfiction does stress me out. Heck writing anything has been stressing me out more than it should lately.
But get this, it's not only writing fanfiction that's been stressing me, but reading fanfiction as well. And it gets worse.
I don't think it can be helped. Not right now, anyway. I've put an inordinate amount of self-worth into my writing ability, which makes every little foray into writing a nail-biting experience that puts my value as a human being on the chopping block. Likewise, whenever I take a peek at a story by one of the wonderful and talented people in this fandom, and I compare my inferior skills to theirs, I feel like I'm leagues away from where I should be in order to call myself: "a good human being."
You know this sounds crazy. I know this sounds crazy. We're all in agreement that this is what crazy people do. It'd be nice if there was a simple switch that could turn off Crazy with the flick of a finger.
All the dumb anxiety has been cluttering up my head to the point where I've simply decided to stop writing. Hopefully not forever. There was a time where me and writing were on good terms. It might not be too late to patch things up, but for now she and I are seeing other people.
Now, since I'm still a crazy person even in the absence of writing, I've found something else to focus on, somewhere I can divert my creative energy in a way that still relates to cute, colorful ponies. That's where fanart comes in.
I got my rocky start with mlp fanart about three years ago, and have been gradually improving ever since. Art has been a very cathartic outlet for me, in fact I can't remember a time these past three years when it's made me anxious or miserable the way writing has. All the things that made me unreasonably anxious about writing—the approval-seeking, the ambiguity of self-worth—don't exist when I'm making artwork. I get pleasure from the act of making the thing. Hell, it's even gotten me to get out of bed early so I can steal a few moments to draw before heading off to work. That's a supernatural feat right there.
I know I'm far from the best artist, but I don't care about being the best. Making art is enough on its own. It's the most free I've felt in a while, to no longer feel as though my worth as a human is tied to the last crummy story I wrote. That's the other great thing about focusing on fanart: I have a clearer view of what was all messed up about my relationship with writing. The feelings I have when I make art are completely different than the feelings I had while writing stories, and I can tell you for sure I'm in a way better spot now.
As I said, hopefully this won't be the end of my writing career. I want to apply what I've learned from art to writing. I've even got an idea for a sort of comic strip so I can introduce writing to my artwork in a gentle, caring way.
If you've read this far and care to see some of the art I've done, head on over to my Deviantart and check it out. Feel free to say nice things about it while you're there. Or don't. I'm happy either way.
-RLC
I hope the pressure you feel fades in time. Don't hesitate to see a doc if this is a problem that affects your life.
Your art shows a lot of promise, and if that's what you enjoy doing, go for it!
5058032
Same here. I don't want to make it seem like I'm seeking sympathy, but it helps to get some of this stuff off my chest. Thanks for checking in.
And I had some great experiences working and learning from you guys in the writeoffs. Maybe I'll poke a submission in there again sometime!
Sorry to hear about writing locking you up, but it's great you're finding creative outlets you're excited about! Do what makes you happy, and once you let the other stuff go, maybe it'll find a way to make you happy again down the line. (Or maybe not. It's probably forcing it that causes the issue, but if it's changed for good, at least it led you to where you are now.)
I just saw this blog. I wanted to let you know that, if you're feeling like writing is a burden, you should (obviously!) give it a rest. And if your other creative outlets don't trigger that anxiety, then that's great! Plus, you're a very obviously skilled artist, so there's that.
But for whatever my opinion on your writing is worth, I think you've done some great writing. I just went back through my e-mail to find the thread where I recommended Star-Crossed to the RCL (and the fact that the other guys there all agreed it was great should tell you something by itself), and here's how I introduced that story to them:
Anyway, that's not to say that you're wrong for feeling anxiety, or anything of the sort. But for whatever it's worth, when you feel like your writing is putting your "value as a human being on the chopping block," just know that the Pony Ramblings guy thinks you've written some pretty darn good stuff.
5068603
Thank you, that really means a lot to me. I don't know when it started turning sour. Part of it was realizing that I was such a small fish in a large pond. Another part was realizing that sometimes I actually could write some good stuff, then holding myself to that lofty standard every time I tried to write.
I think 5059579 had the other part when he brought up forcing myself. A perfect storm of self-sabotage. I'm hopeful that this hiatus will help me strip away these toxic attitudes and return me to what I loved about writing from the start. I still have ideas and unpolished stories that I would love to finish!
Thank you all for the encouragement.