May
7th
2019
It's done, just needs some editing. · 2:29am May 7th, 2019
Hey, guys! It's me again!
Just thought I'd let you all know that my next chapter's ready for editing! I'm a little worn out, though, so I won't be tackling it for another few days. Don't know how I feel about this one. I feel like I may have given away too much info, and that the release of this chapter may cause some heads to explode.
Well, whatever. If you want to be my Guinea pigs, you can take a look at it here:
What I Am: Chapter XXVIII
Sorry it took longer than I thought it would. You would not believe how fast my boy can get himself into trouble. That being said, I'm glad I was finally able to get this together into something coherent. Hope you guys enjoy!
I am not spoiling the official release for myself. Shame on me.
Because docs didn't properly post my comments immediately, and I've had a bit more time to think about it, I'm just going to post it here:
Overall, I really enjoyed the chapter, especially the last section, with Hazalk's viewpoint. The second section was enjoyable as well, but it interrupted the flow of Akitesh getting Alex's knowledge. It may be a good idea to move that section.
I'd have also liked to see Akitesh working with Luna within Alex's memories. Having Akitesh and Luna interact could help them learn to trust each other, and it would show more about both characters, as well as showing more about the Emperor's loyalists- why they still remain loyal, how they hide, what they think of the other Krin, their social structure, what they do in their spare time, etc.. Said information may also help Luna trust Hazalk, depending on what she hears. The first section would also flow more naturally into Akitesh and Luna in Alex's mindscape, similarly to how grouping everything taking place on and around Earth into singular chapters helps that flow better.
The information in Shining's section could also, for instance, be revealed in a strategy meeting if that section were cut, where it was also being taught to Akitesh and Hazalk, with Titania (and others, possibly) present, along with information about the mirror. You could also have Hazalk begin to better understand how magic work, through the conversation- perhaps because the changelings had a nature unusual even to the Quzin. It also means that we won't have to either retread that same information with Akitesh present, not tell her and have the Quzin blindsided by a threat that they could have easily been told about, or skip over parts of such a meeting- which, in order to coordinate defenses, would have to take place- partly removing us readers from the story, and ignoring possible interesting character interactions and reactions between all parties.
Oh, I’d believe it. My 10 month old girl is pretty good at it. They move really fast when you’re not looking.
5054833 I really do not have the time to properly respond to this. Just know that your criticism is beyond appreciated, and I am taking what you said to heart. Not posting the chapter until it's fixed up, so no need to worry about that. As for now, off to work. TO COLMAC COIL!!
5055088
Looking forward to reading it!
5055088
He said pretty much what I was thinking. Thanks for taking some feedback to heart. Keep up the good work. I have read through what you have got so far a few times and love it each time.
5054833 5055856 Well, to finally answer this for real, I've gone through and made a major rewrite. I might still use the shining/cadence scene later, but you guys were right. It really didn't belong. For now, I'm going to be resting, before going through one final reedit before publishing. The link still works, so if you guys wanted to see the changes, be my guests.
5057205
Thank you for sharing! I really enjoyed reading the revised sections, and they flowed very nicely into each other. Also, good call on not showing everything- leaving some of the horror to be imagined off-screen by the characters, and it means that they aren't anti-climactic (as they tend to be). Read Lovecraft much?
Just as a note: the inclusion of Alex as an orangutan, making animal noises throughout, doesn't really seem to fit tonally with the chapter- a very lighthearted joke, in a very dark and serious scene. My impression was as introducing a chimpanzee into the life-stories scene in Saving Private Ryan- it just doesn't fit. You may want to have Luna "restore" Alex's form when they first talk, or change the way the library appears when they enter. Assuming it reflected Alex's nervousness and uncertainty, maybe a decaying library with strange geometries? Of course, I'm just one reader, with a love for very serious scenes in otherwise light stories, so get other opinions, or just sleep on it.
Another note- and this isn't a criticism of the story- you might use the Cadence-Shining scene to explain that they are now allies, as well as the 'lings. It may also be a good time to reveal some other serious vulnerabilities in the Changelings, which would be good reasons for them to fear ponies (and other races) for thousands of years, even though they can replicate unicorn and pegasus (and other's?) abilities. You may also want to show Akitesh trusting Luna much more than she has in the past, because she recognizes someone similar to her own high priests, and has been through something traumatic with her.
5057205
As always loved your work. I am a Luna fan so I am always happy with more Luna.
Don't lose the Shining / Cadence section. I liked it and would not mind seeing that as maybe a lead up to more challenging inter action. Maybe Shining also asked for the ling that infiltrated the castle and took Alex to the hive. What better way to improve security than with someone who has already broke it.
5057277 Alex wasn't the orangutan. It was supposed to represent a specific portion of his mind, and how he sees the inner workings of that place. In fact, everything shown was supposed to represent something about Alex and how he thinks.
The Library itself represents his memory, with the various books, reels, and papers as specific information or memories. It's cluttered state represents his general mood, he being in an extremely frazzled, and stressed, state. The oragutan in a three-piece suit represents how he thinks about things. Specifically, he sees his mind as this crazy, semi-out of control beast (the ape) that randomly comes up with ideas, and often moves too quickly for others to follow, or to even be of use. He has to constantly reign in for the benifit of others and himself, and has somewhat managed to train (the suit).
The spiders represent the implants in his head, now subservient to Alex as he goes about his mental processes. A lot of what they do now he isn't even aware of, but they still obey his command to the letter. The beast that sits just over the ape's shoulder is a part of this as well, but a very specific part. It represents the deadly programing shoved into his head, and the monster that takes over when he needs to fight for his life.
Though, I do understand why you would think it detracts from the scene a little bit. Also, making the library seem dilapidated and decayed might also be a good touch.
5057315
Well, there goes everything I gained from literature analysis. I suppose it's not supposed to be completely clear, though. And I completely agree with Cogs with the Shining section- it's good work, just out of place where you first used it (intro to the next chapter?).
5057512 I'm sorry if it wasn't exactly clear, but I was trying to go for something a little abstract. I was fairly certain I did a horrible job, though, and I'm not sure if I want to keep it like this.
5057516
Showing representations of thought tends to be extremely difficult, and has easy to do very poorly; for what it's worth, it actually worked rather well, and this is a small scene, and so it may not be worth fretting too much about. At most, maybe think about the tone you want to convey, and work off of that. The tone of the library scene seems closest to wonder, so maybe emphasize that. The tone of the chapter is "horrible discovery", so to fit that, show the library as unnerving/damaged/decrepit. As written, the worst I can say is that Alex's representation seems like an off-color, poorly-timed joke. The other three scenes work very well, and the Shining/Cadence scene would probably work very well as an the first scene of the next chapter.
If you decide to change it, maybe focus on the actions of the scene, rather than descriptions- "Akitesh slithered down a short flight of steps, careful not to brush the floating books, flapping in a nonexistent breeze." Keep the description limited, and focus on what they are doing; maybe let Akitesh's thoughts on Alex's mindscape create a conversation between herself and Luna on their goals, personal histories and experiences. For a more otherworldly feel, violate geometry and object permanence? For better mindscape descriptions, I can only think of some HP Lovecraft's works and Night Land right now. Tolkien could work, too.
EDIT: Just read Cogsworth's replies, agree totally.
5057516
I thought you did a good job. I imagine it is hard to do an abstract thing without beating the reader over the head to make what you mean obvious.
As for what I interpreted, the ape: I thought that might be the way Alex saw humanity on a subconscious level, among ponies, snakes, and spiders.
The mechanical spiders in the library, I thought with his programming back ground they were like internet spiders.
The thing on his should I pretty much got.
5057315
I just reread this and instead of a dilapidated and decayed library maybe have a section destroyed and being rebuilt by spiders and apes but the new section looking like a Krin computer. Kind of represent how his implants helped Alex learn the language and his acceptance of them.
5057594 5057549 Okay, I changed it again. How does it look now?
5057650
I think it looks real good. But don't let me dictate your story. I appreciate you taking my feedback, but ultimately it is your name on it.
5057666
I couldn't put it better myself.