Do You "Like" the Story? · 6:34pm May 5th, 2019
Hey, Reader! May I make a selfish request? Pizzicato and Changelings has been in publication for five weeks now, with chapter 10 of 14 posted. The “Changelings” and the musical term in the story should hint at what it is about. It’s part of an Equestria Daily Story Post. It is a gritty adventure/slice-of-life that stars background (Songbird Serenade) and deep background characters (Octavia Melody, Vinyl Scratch, Coloratura, and original characters). I know that this means it isn’t a high-priority read. However, if you are one of the “early adopters” of my story, since it is entering the last two weeks of publication, could you please consider whether you are likely to click the 👍 button and click it now? The story hangs one thumb short (either of them) away from the score being revealed on FimFiction. It makes a BIG difference to new readers who may see the remaining four updates on the front page of the website. Lost of likes makes a low-view story much more attractive. I’d really appreciate getting more readers sooner than later. So, reader... please? Thank you.
Just gave the first chapter a look see. Overall it's not bad. Just one issue that really needs addressing. Who's point of view is it? Who's the character introducing themselves? I was a good ways into it before I'd any idea who the speaker was. Yes it does say in the description, but it needs to be in the story somewhere at the beginning. It's good enough I'll continue, just don't make me have to guess at who's POV it is.
Already have. By this point, I've come to expect quality from Knight of Equestria stories, and you most definitely deliver on that expectation.
5054057
Point taken. And a good one, since I wrote the series as a specific exercise in writing stories that you can start reading at any any point in the series. I will reread and see if that's doable in a subtle fashion Thanks!
5054057
Okay, I looked at the story. I could make Vinyl Scratch say in the first paragraph, "Street word, Mop, is that Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, the bride, is a stuck-up prig." However, the notorious pony of few words—okay, no words—would have to address her friend by her friend name, and it would require the insertion of an second word, that. The music of the revised sentence sounds all wrong, and feels out-of-character. The next place is when Flopsy Mopsy ia tangled hooves and haunches with the conductor, over a manuscript page further in. He could say, "Sorry, Miss Flopsy Mopsy!" (Miss because he's an old guy.) That doesn't feel entirely right,either. That would probably be too far in for you,anyway. This requires more thought.
When I release the next story, Unmarked Time, next month, I will see if I can address your concern there.
The original series used titling that would have made this story's title: "Pizzicato and Changelings: Songbird Serenade, Knight of Equestria." I revised that because Songbird isn't a well known background pony (a liability for attracting readers from the front page of FimFiction) and Knight of Equestria sounds more intriguing if that's all you read. The point is, the title gave away the POV character when I originally wrote this story half a year ago. Yeah. I know. An excuse.
5054948
One small change that would help a lot, if you've a mind, would be to change "Vinyl Scratch glanced back, but the guards behind us now examined other passengers' suitcases..." to "I watched Vinyl Scratch glance back, the guards behind us now examining other passengers' suitcases..."
It doesn't tell me who is talking but does make the sentence easier to follow. It goes from an ambiguous observer to the POV character observing and helps to eliminate a lot of confusion.
See the thing that threw me is I'd read the line too quickly, and my mind was trying to tell me it was Vinyl's point of view.
Granted I'm no expert. I make my own share of flubs, goofs, wrong words, and I've a hybrid writing style that can drive people nuts. XD
5054955
Question: Would you like to pre-read Knight of Equestria IV: Unmarked Time? Little insights like what you pointed out could make a difference. Not asking you to copy-edit! I am willing to PM you the pre-reader password after next Thursday when I post the last chapter to Pizzicato. The entire story is already uploaded. It is in a fully complete state where I’d make only the subtlest of changes, anyway. You game? No pressure. Certainly okay to say no.
5054955
BTW, I agreed with your last suggestion, but tweaked it slightly. It isn’t as sweet as the original because it’s longer and choppier, but I saw your point. Note that the sentence appears twice in the text and was changed in both places with one minor deviation between them. Hope you like it.
5055000
Unfortunately, I'm spending way too much time just trying to find all the mistakes in my own stuff. I'm flattered that you think that highly of me.