KOTD: Update (Feedback appreciated) · 10:24pm Apr 23rd, 2019
Trying to spruce up the long description. The short description was a friggin' nightmare, but I'm rather set on it given its extreme limitations. The long description though, I got like three pages dedicated to different variations of it. Currently, it feels like I'm spoonfeeding the reader and I hate it. I tried switching to a letter like
Dear princess, if I had known what I know now, I would have gladly fallen upon my own sword. There was no way to know that in trying to save your world, I was actually helping guarantee its destruction. If our nations had gotten along better, perhaps we could have stood a chance. I never meant to bring the monsters with us and watching them do to your home what they did to ours, is a shame I will never forget.
I shall lead our armies to the brink of destruction if that’s what it takes to defeat him and his monsters. I will train your citizens to use the skills my people were born into. Even as my world is consumed in flames, we will not falter in protecting those who are innocent. Upon our spears, our swords or our fists, we will go extinct before we give in to his bloodlust and warmongering.
I wish I could have been a better man for you, but I came here broken; too broken for you to fix. No matter how many nights we stayed awake together, looking up at the stars and delving into our dreary pasts, I still don’t deserve you. No matter how many different ways history will play itself out, there will never be enough ways for me to say how sorry I am. I will never forgive him for what he’s done to us, to my world and yours.
His power grows with every new day, with every corpse that litters the battlefield and every ounce of anger that courses through our blood. I am yours until the end princess, but let it be known that I write this not for sympathy, but as a testament for what Taraska is as a country as we go out and face what will likely be the final battle we have all longed for.
-Forever yours, First Captain Raiden of Taraska
But I was advised against it, despite it being my own personal preference. I plan on eventually changing the MLP elements of the story and publishing it as my own stand alone novel, while still leaving it up here potentially. I recently read an article on how to writ a good story description and this is what I'm thinking of changing it to and I'd love feedback.
Every Taraskan soldier has the same secret dream: to die and never wake up to the hell that is war. Raiden’s country is not an elite fighting force. As broken as they are, they limp along and salvage what they can. THeir best advancements are what they learn from the few allies they can get. As the world around them is engulfed by a darkness known as the Og Nag, Taraska is one of the last cities and therefore must do the unthinkable: be bait.
Raiden is the King’s right hand in the worst way possible; having his intellect and natural fighting skill be used to destroy both their enemies and himself. When it seems Raiden’s wish has finally come true, they wake up to a new kind of hell: watching the same destruction all over again in a country that has never even imagined the agony Taraska was born into.
With a new chance at destruction, comes a new chance for change however. There is a time to fight and a time to talk. Will Raiden finally get his people to break free from King Hurrand’s plagueful greed, or will they be just another story told to children?
There is one last battle Raiden must fight in: breaking away from the endless cycle of abuse. A battle that cannot be fought with a weapon against a creature that never gets tired. It is the one fight Raiden must win before he can save anyone, even himself.