So I had a Mental Breakdown Today.

So I yeah, my mind kinda broke today. Ended up texting my mother this message today, "Mom, I need to come, I haven't done Shit at all this month. I can't get motivated. Nothing has truly been making me happy. I feel like shit all the time, my blonde ache I have constant head aches. Nothing tastes good anymore. Art, games movies me happy. I'm tired all the time. I know I don't want to die but at the same time i don't want to live. And I can't answer the question what do I want to do in life, even with taking money and society out of the equation. I think I really need help but I don't know the help I need. Or if what's wrong with me can even be fixed. Please Call. I feel like absolute Shit."

Spelling errors and all. So yeah, I was not so good. Better now but not great. Figured to help I'd type it out try and break it down.

"Mom, I need to come, I haven't done Shit at all this month" - Okay so this was very broken, I meant to say I need to come clean, but apparently didn't type that through my tears and shaky mental state. See she has been gone on a trip to New Hampshire to learn how to train and handle Arson dogs, And she told me to clean the house and take care of our four dogs. I've been taking care of the dogs, but until today, haven't been cleaning the house. So that was definitely a pile of guilt that was on top of me.

"I can't get motivated." - I think this is the after effect of being depressed for who knows how long, Feeling now more like I need to get out and do things and will now, couldn't bother before because I saw myself as not really worth the investment. this is why I've been putting off getting a new job after getting sacked almost a year ago now.

"Nothing has truly been making me happy." - I think this was derived more from the idea from the depression of not feeling like I should be rewarded. I was being a lazy self-loathing, selfish piece of trash, I can, and will change that.

" feel like shit all the time, my blonde ache I have constant head aches." - Likely do to the fact I wasn't exercising or drinking enough water, because why bother when you are a lazy piece of shit, you are seen as lazy, so act lazy, and if you aren't sweating you don't need water. So another thing, I need a work out routine. Planning it out just need to buckle down and do it.

"Nothing tastes good anymore." - Probably cause I wasn't moving much and wasn't eating anything other than instant meals. Yeah, lets cook and eat more healthy now.

"Art, games movies me happy" - typo, ment to have don't and make before Happy. Probably the undeserved reward thing again, but no I am worth being happy, just need to fix my issues.

"I'm tired all the time" - No shit, you aren't eating right nor are you exercising, you have no endurance. Easy enough to fix, just going to be sore.

"I know I don't want to die but at the same time i don't want to live. " - Probably looked suicidal, but uh, meant more as, I don't like the life I'm living, and am very very much afraid to die. Besides, unless it is to truly save others suicide is unacceptable.

"And I can't answer the question what do I want to do in life, even with taking money and society out of the equation." - Okay this one I really need to work on, but yeah that's why my OC doesn't have a Cutie Mark, I just Have no fucking clue what I want to do, like at all. I guess I need to get out and try things.

"I think I really need help but I don't know the help I need. Or if what's wrong with me can even be fixed." - I think I know what I need now is, and that's to talk it out. And yes This can, and will be fixed! I also need to Care about myself again, and just socialize more.

The Rest of that I think is self explanatory. I finally realized something was wrong and desperately needed help. I did talk with my mother, and a few friends, and I think that now I'm feeling better, I Hate to complain like this, but I needed to vent, and this Helped me think about it. If you read this and have any advise, please let me hear it. Thank you, and could you share this please. I'm going to read some while listening to happy music, while I reflect and wait to hang out with one of my friends tonight.