True Strength · 7:24pm Apr 22nd, 2019
This blog is somewhat more ranty than I usually post, but I promise that there's some positive life advice in the midst of my social critique, and the message is ultimately about finding self-assurance, so there we go.
I have a goodly number of women friends and associates who are quite accomplished, with successes ranging from beating cancer while wrangling kids to being CEOs. They are strong, creative, determined women who have had to stand tall while the weight of the world crashes down on them. When they get knocked down, they come back swinging, (and the couple that practice karate can hit a heck of a lot harder than I could even when I was in fighting shape).
Yet, despite all their strength, all their self-assurance, when any of these women dares to commit the modern ‘thought crime’ of wanting to have a strong man in her life that she can depend on, there always seems to be some ‘enlightened’ individual around to accuse her of being weak, repressed, and a traitor to women.
What the hay?
There’s this disturbing philosophy that I’ve observed for many years now whereby a women is not regarded as ‘strong’ unless she can stand absolutely solo on with no one but herself, with no assistance whatsoever (and certainly no assistance, support, or even praise from a man) because she has to be strong in literally every aspect of her life all the time to a degree that no one can surpass her or else she isn’t ‘strong’ at all. And, if any man dares try to help her do anything, even out of a sense of common courtesy, he’s a sexist, misogynist scumbag.
Putting aside the tremendous disservice to all considerate and genuine men out there who just want to be helpful to their fellow human beings, some of whom happen to be women, this whole line of thinking is incredibly sexist towards women.
You heard me. Sexist towards women.
Why? Because it suggests that women can’t be strong unless men are held back. It suggests that for anyone (especially a man) to surpass them in even one regard renders them weak. That means that, even if a woman is, say, good at karate, if a man is better than her at karate, it somehow doesn’t count that she’s good in her own right. It further means that, even if she surpasses that same man in some other area (say, target shooting), that doesn’t count either because there’s still one area where she relies on a man to help her. To put it even more simply, it implicitly states that a woman’s strength is so fragile that the basic human need to rely on another person at times negates any strength she has. It’s asinine, reductionist, and condescending in the extreme.
Let’s talk broadly about strength for a moment. And when I say ‘strength’ here I am referring not only to physical strength but also to virtues, skillsets, talents, anything at which humans can excel. Everyone has things they’re good at and things they aren’t. That’s the nature of humanity. Everyone also has things that they’re good at that they’re still worse at than other people. The second-best trumpet player in the world still has one person who’s stronger than him at the trumpet. The strongest trumpet player will still be weaker than other people in other regards.
And… that’s fine. None of us are expected to flawlessly excel at everything. That’s a good thing, in fact, because our weaknesses and vulnerabilities are opportunities for others to help us and thereby build relationships of mutual support and care. In this imperfect reality, we actually need to have such variety of talent to help us form a healthy world. Having such differences that enable us to cover for each other and build wholes that are more than the sum of the parts are, arguably, the foundation of civilization.
Thus, it’s the height of idiocy to suggest that it’s a bad thing for one person to be stronger than another. Accepting the strengths of others is simply part of emotional maturity. In fact, part of being a strong person is learning to respect the excellence of others without feeling that their success diminishes us. Tolkien was a better writer than I will ever be in so many ways, but that doesn’t make me a bad writer, nor does it change the fact that there are elements to my style of writing that I’m likely better at than he would have been. People are strong differently, plain and simple.
The cold fact is, if you can’t be strong unless others are weaker than you, then you aren’t strong. Personal strength exists regardless of whether others have it or not. If you’re threatened by the strength of others, perhaps the issue isn’t that they’re strong so much as that you’re insecure. It has been said, after all, that comparison is the thief of joy.
Fortunately, the solution to such thinking is fairly easy – learn to recognize and celebrate genuine strength, whether your own or another’s. Personal growth isn’t a competition with anyone but yourself. Use the success of others as an inspiration and a motivator, not a threat. When you excel past another, strive to be a guide to them rather than a conqueror. Real excellence is not threatened by the excellence of others.
Now, none of this is to say that we should put up with or encourage the abuse of strength. That’s wrong whoever is doing it, and we shouldn’t tolerate that crap. But if people are using their strengths well… let them be. So long as they’re not up to anything nefarious, their strengths are theirs to use how they see fit.
Bringing this back around to the original topic, we should spend less time focusing on who has what strength in what degree between a man and a woman and more time focusing on making sure that the strength is being used well. If there’s a marriage where the wife is a six-foot-two Marine combat veteran and the husband is a stay-at-home dad who writes poetry, fine. If there’s a marriage where it’s the opposite, that’s cool too. We shouldn’t care as long as it’s a healthy marriage of equals. Let people be strong in their own ways, and don’t imply that the strength of women is so fragile as to be threatened by the presence of strong men.
And, for crying out loud, will people stop acting like mothers wanting a lot of children is somehow ‘weak?’ Have you ever tried raising a child? How about children plural? It’s a warzone! My mother raised five unsettlingly intelligent and creative kids who could have been absolute monsters in the hands of a lesser woman, and she forged us into fine, upstanding members of society. All the work and labor my mother did (and does for grandkids and community) day-in and day-out with no pay and no benefits, all the worry, all the sickness, all the emotional trauma, all the lifting and labor, on top of all the volunteer and charity work, with little sleep and lots of stress… if that’s not Strength underlined with a capital ‘S’ then I don’t know what strength is!
If you remember nothing else from this commentary, remember this: Putting women down for liking strong men is just as stupid as putting men down for liking strong women.
Just stop the nonsense.
This has been a public service announcement from the proud son of a Strong Woman.
I agree wholeheartedly. One of the strongest women I know was active duty during Desert Storm and beat breast cancer. But she has said that the best things that have ever happened to her was getting married and having kids. In today's insane society, she would be considered a weak woman because of that.
5048150
A tough lady indeed.
Wow...
I couldn't have put it better. I agree on every aspect. It's ridiculous the amount of pressure these people put on women that are not how they imagine a strong woman should be. It's more infuriating the fact that they believe that what they're doing is the "right thing"; "saving" today's women from the terrible future of living their lives.
The thing is, the part about women having a lot of children really comes close to home. I'm the 2nd of 6 brothers and my mother is an amazing woman. 3 years ago my father was diagnosed with cancer and couldn't work. My mother had to take care of us 6 and also take care of my father. Now my father is stable, though on medication. My mother is an amazingly strong woman, but when some people hear I'm one of 6 brothers, now that I'm older, I can recognize in their eyes the judgment. It grinds my gears.
On a side note, my father, too, has told me that when he told a coworker the amount of children he had the exchange went something like this:
- So you have children? How many?
- Six
- Really?
- Yeah haha
- And even then/worse, you laugh...
"don’t imply that the strength of women is so fragile as to be threatened by the presence of strong men."
Exactly, it is insulting. When you try to make a woman better by making her more like a man and by making the men around her portrayed as idiots, all you get is a poorly portrayed woman and uninspiring men. A woman is strongest when she is hailed for what makes her unique as a woman, not in how she tries to be like a man; it is an insult to the true beauty and strength of genuine femininity. Put a strong man in a woman's life, and she becomes a better woman. Put a strong woman in a man's life, and he strives to be a better man. A woman should find a man who is strong, worthy of her, and will treat her with all the reverence that the woman is due. We men do not open doors and give up our seats for them because the woman is weak, (only fools think that) but because she is the embodiment of the sacred and should be treated accordingly; this is true chivalry. My mother is the most intelligent, strong, beautiful, and saintly person I know. She raised 12 children, beat breast cancer, and continually inspires me and my family to be the best we can be. Idiots would call her a slave or suppressed, believe me when I say my family would hoist her on a throne if she would let us.
Thank you Anitquarian for these inspiring and necessary words. (And you ARE an excellent writer!)
5048193
Your mother impresses me; she's superhuman. Glad your dad is doing better. Yeah, seeing the judgment against people (especially mothers) with big families gets pretty grating. They might as well be saying, 'How dare you raise a large and loving family! How dare you live your life!' People often don't recognize the beauty and joy of children, or the strength of those that raise them.
In fact, with all the impressive mothers I've known and heard of, I've become convinced that if people want posterchildren for strong, independent, world-conquering women, they should focus more on mothers, not less. Raising children is impressive in itself... and mothers do so much more on top of that.
5048222
I love reading posts about people's tough mothers. Honestly, hearing about strong mothers is sort of like hearing about combat veterans - as intimidating as it is inspiring.
I remember a scene in Pixar's Brave, where the clans had started a brawl and she stopped them not by shouting, not by beating them up, but by calmly walking through them and pulling the leaders out by the ears. Everyone there was physically stronger, but she'd built up a reputation over the years that meant they all respected her. It was one of the most impressive displays of female strength I'd ever seen in fiction.
While we're on the subject, my mom also has 6 kids, and my parents own a business together on top of homeschooling us.
Well said, my friend. Good representation is not about building some up by tearing others down, but building both so their individual strengths compliment and make for a stronger whole (admittedly something I've struggled in my stories from time to time, but I think I'm getting better).
And my mom might not have some of the feats others have (only two kids, no cancer or military service), but she gave up a potentially lucrative career as a mid to top-level executive to raise my sister and me, and she did so successfully without either of us having too major of crises. I take it for granted a lot more than I should, but she is still pretty strong.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you what everyone has been thinking but couldn't find the words to say.
5048402
I never undersell the strength of any mother just because there isn't some trial like beating cancer under her belt. Being a mother is both challenge and honor enough.
Also, as far as your characters and displays of strength, I think you do a fine job, especially in Empress. Twilight and the Sisters in particular stand out as being well-rounded, but really all of them are solid characters. Twilight and Judith actually helped me figure out how I wanted to develop a main character in one of my stories that I hope to get published one day (though it's in its infancy, so that'll be a while).
5049674 I'm glad you see it that way on both accounts.
On a related note, I will be asking some more advise on Twilight and Judith's eventual grief talk, and I am intrigued by this other story you are planning.
5049880
Duly noted.
5048150
5048193
5048222
5048402
When they speak of being "independent" they mean independent of men. Not a man, men. They believe, for whatever reason, that a woman, or women, possess secret knowledge and are complete unto themselves if they could just seperate this horrible dependence on icky boys and get all of lady kind into their girls tree fort (after some icky boys build it for them of course
) for the purposes of telling them they've been tricked all their lives and don't actually like men.
In case your wondering about that screeching, its you... on the inside. This is normal.
This reaction is also normal when you stop to actually consider these peoples notions
You know, I don't tend to censor people even when I vehemently disagree with them, because I believe that open dialogue is essential to change. With that said, I think it is quite important when criticizing a social climate which is flawed to NOT BE A JERK ABOUT IT. Why? Because that doesn't fix anything. What's the point of calling out a problematic line of thinking if you're not going to build towards a better path? What does it matter if your opponent is wrong if you're just as wrong in replying to them? This is why I deplore virulent mockery in any form. I hate the anti-men messaging, but I also hate the bitter return fire that makes misguided people out to be vicious monsters. It's uncharitable and unhelpful.
If you have the moral high ground, don't surrender it by being a jerk.
media.makeameme.org/created/inspirational-quote-of-59248b.jpg
5107106
I like to think my mom raised me right. Just trying to pay it forward. Glad you enjoyed it.