Paul's Thursday Reviews CXLXVII · 8:54pm Apr 18th, 2019
It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around. For the last two months I was in a writing rut. The vast majority of my wordcounts were coming from editing for the Bronycon Bookstore. As I’m sure my regulars are aware, it was driving me crazy. Then, on Saturday, I finished moving the last chapter of Bulletproof Heart to the template and, like I’d never stopped, proceeded to write 2,500 words of Life of Pie. The rough draft of the new chapter was done by Monday, and today I’m 4,000+ words into a short story I’m working on for a horror contest. It’s as if a switch has been flicked and I’m back in writer mode.
And damn, if it doesn’t feel good.
Alas, I’ve encountered a new problem. After checking the lengths and looking at Lulu.com’s little list of rules, one of the rules I came across was that your books need to be 750 pages or less. Which is frustrating, because Bulletproof Heart is some 130-odd pages above that. So what happens when I try to make the book anyway? Will I get an error message? Will I have to shrink the font to make it fit? Upload it in two parts? Use a different service entirely? Ugh, how annoying. I’ll deal with that once I have the other two stories with their covers set up and ready to go.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I want to get as much of this horror story completed as I can before I have to leave to visit my parents for the holiday weekend. Those words won’t write themselves.
Reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Remembering the Fallen by vren55
Living Forever... by Whateverdudezb
Princess Celestia's Newest Arch Enemy by naturalbornderpy
Martial Bliss by Skywriter
Come with me, Luna by a human
The Gift of Hearth’s Warming by Astral Phoenix
"Why?" by Flint-Lock
Music After Midnight by AndrewRogue
Sisterhooves Squirt by Vertigo-01
Starlight, Trixie And The Cursed Manor by Schattendrache
Total Word Count: 67,936
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 5
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 4
None: 0
Remembering the Fallen
10,524 Words
By vren55
Rainbow Dash is performing one of her ‘epic’ stunts only to crash. The incident uncovers some landscape and, resultantly, unearths a pegasus skeleton. Horrified, she hurries to get her friends. Their investigation soon teaches them that there is such a thing as war.
This story runs with the theory that ponies are so innocent and nice that the idea of harming another is an unspeakable act, to say nothing for murder. So imagine Twilight & Co.’s horror upon learning that the fight between Celestia and Luna a thousand years ago wasn’t just a quick scrap between siblings but a long, brutal war costing thousands of lives. The idea is common enough to be familiar, but uncommon enough that it can still make for an interesting premise.
Alas, this is one of vren55’s earliest works, and it shows. Its manner is preachy and its style rough. The most frustrating part to me was how dialogue and narrative never lines up. Paragraphs almost universally run as: character says something, entirely different character performs actions. It’s a jarring dichotomy that kills immersion.
I also feel that the purpose of the story was a little lost at the beginning. When it starts, the question seems to be “how did this pony die?” Then, with extreme suddenness, we’re going into the different battles and trying (with little success) to convey the horrors of war. Wait, what? I thought this was supposed to be about Hailstorm. Why are we describing all the different places she’s been to and how terrible it was? Aren’t we supposed to be figuring out who this dead pegasus was?
What vren55 is trying to do here is admirable, but I can’t help but think they approached it in the wrong way. The focus isn’t clear, at least not until the third or fourth chapter, and by then the story’s halfway finished or more. I also don’t buy this idea that the entire war was erased from Equestria’s collective memory in only a century; I’d be more willing to believe it if Celestia had committed to that task much earlier.
All that being said, I still look at this one with an eye for its age. I know that vren55’s more recent works show a great improvement in overall writing quality and plot development. If anything, I am pleased by this reminder of where the author once was and where they are now. It’s the kind of thing I like to see. So yeah, this story’s rough in several ways. But what it tells me about the author’s growth is satisfying.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Equestria’s Changeling Queen and the Abyssal Empress — Pretty Good
Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen — Pretty Good
Living Forever...
4,480 Words
By Whateverdudezb
Twilight publishes a history book of Equestria, only to accidently slip in a few pages from a novel she’s writing. The end result is that her five friends are ‘officially’ deceased. Naturally, they come calling to figure out how that works.
Seeing as Whateverdudezb clearly has no intention of finishing their Tutelary Spirits series (for shame!), I decided it was time to explore other stories by the author. Imagine my surprise when I discover that Living Forever… is part of said universe! This does not alleviate the author’s shame for failing to continue the main series, but rather accentuates and enhances it, for they are writing fluffy asides like this instead of giving us what we actually need.
Still, for a blatantly unnecessary fluffy aside, it’s pretty good. It’s basically the author’s rebellion against “Twilight is miserable because her friends died” stories, with a hint of anti-Evil Twilight. It achieves its goal, gives us some great teasing at Twilight’s expense (and frankly, she deserves it), and is generally a feel-good friendship story.
I only have two complaints. First, a pet peeve:
Rainbow Dash snorted once before breaking, "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she laughed uproariously as she pointed a hoof at the sight.
Seriously? You’re writing out the laughter, then telling us she laughed? I’ve said it a million times and I’m sure I’ll say it a million times more: we do not need to know exactly how many “Ha”s (and screamed ones at that, given the all-caps) Rainbow uttered. I’ll grant it’s subjective, but I still can’t stand it when people write out these things. Luckily, it only happens once.
The second issue is Celestia. Now, there’s nothing wrong with her in a general sense: her character works well given the scenario. My problem is that as soon as Twilight’s friends start arriving, Celestia… disappears. As if she never existed. Only to pop back in randomly close to the end? This is a problem I’ve seen in Whateverdudezb’s other stories, in that once a large number of characters show up some of them fade away from the scene entirely. I get it, it’s hard to maintain a scene with so many actors in the same room. I’m willing to forgive the matter due to its tricky nature. But still, I spent a lot of time wondering why Celestia, who just showed us a propensity for teasing and fun, isn’t getting in on any of this.
I suppose the third issue that comes up is a matter of time. When is this story taking place? I have no idea. The term “centuries” keeps getting thrown around, but it’s impossible to tell if this is just part of the teasing or if centuries really have passed. I’m guessing by Twilight’s ‘diety’ look that, yes, we’re several hundred years into the future, if not a few millennia, but the lack of clarification is an issue. The author says the bait-and-switch is the immortality of the Mane 6, but without clarifying exactly how much time has passed and there being no explicit statements for clarification, how are we supposed to realize this?
But none of these things (heavily) influenced my opinion of the story. It’s still a fun bit of fluff at Twilight’s expense, and I’ve got nothing against that.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Truth Earned from Honesty — WHYRTY?
Lessons Learned from Loyalty — Pretty Good
Wealth Granted from Generosity — Pretty Good
Princess Celestia's Newest Arch Enemy
4,656 Words
By naturalbornderpy
In a story completely unlike anything I’ve read by this author before, Celestia begins her day with a visit from a pony declaring himself her latest archenemy… who happens to be a colt still in Elementary School. She can’t wait to share this news with Luna.
This was everything I expected, with gravy on top. Sweet GlazeBad Dude is highly entertaining as he tries so very hard to take on a proper villainsupervillain role and get signed up for the Royal Villain Register, which Celestia assures him needs to be done. I was especially entertained by the letters he receives at the end. My one and only complaint is that, because the story paints the world in a silly style (Celestia fighting villains regularly to stay in shape and the ‘emergency soup can phone’, for example), it is impossible to tell if the real villains contacting Bad Dude are serious or were somehow in on the whole scenario courtesy of Celestia and Luna. Honestly? I’m really hoping for the latter. It would be so highly entertaining if the princesses and the villains were somehow in constant contact with one another, amicably discussing their days and schemes and entertaining encounters.
Chrysalis: Trust me, Tia, my next ‘conquer Equestria’ scheme’s going to really throw Twilight and her friends for a loop!
Celestia: As long as your changelings don’t leave around their moltings again. My poor maids are still cleaning up that stuff after your last ‘invasion’.
Chrysalis: Oh, come on, you can’t expect them not to molt during long-term excursions. That’s like asking your ponies to spend a week in the Crystal Empire and tell them they can’t take a shower the entire time.
Anyway, this was an endearing, not-to-be-taken-seriously read and I enjoyed every moment of it. I’ll be looking forward to the sequel.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Bookworm's Delight — WHYRTY?
Please Open The Door — Needs Work
Martial Bliss
1,514 Words
By Skywriter
Captain Shining Armor, as yet unmarried, bumps into an old drill sergeant. Now, Shining is convinced that his Royal Guard can handle anything. After all, they’re trained to be proficient in not only spears but every possible form of dessert, even blancmange. This sergeant thinks it’s all useless, because they aren’t trained in the single most important weapon of all: the wife.
I have no words, but I’m going to offer some anyway. This is random, silly, and all-around entertaining. The moment Shining Armor started boasting that his soldiers were experts in desserts, I knew I was getting involved in something special. Who knew that he actually was taught how to throw spouses?
This is a gem. By all means, give it a read. It won’t take long, doesn’t outlive its purpose, and is genuinely enjoyable.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Wassail, Wassail! — WHYRTY?
Come with me, Luna
13,686 Words
By a human
Well, I didn’t expect this.
This is a retelling of the origins of Celestia and Luna. It is, simply put, a Tyrantlestia fic. It’s set in a world that feels a whole lot like our own, to the point that if there weren’t references to pegasi and unicorns you’d think you were reading an original fiction, possibly set in Japan with its anime-esque feel. Which, depending upon your perspective, may be a very negative thing. It certainly rubbed me the wrong way.
Anyway, the story basically involves Celestia’s family being part of a cult that uses violent rituals and plan to make Celestia and Luna into gods. I wish I could say it was more complicated than that, but a human offers little beyond that basic premise. There are a ton of elements within this concept that could have been utilized to make the story flow and be somewhat believable, but they apparently chose to rush to the ‘good’ parts, if you will. For example, when Celestia and Luna are best friends and then are kidnapped.
No, that’s seriously how it goes. Celestia and Luna meet. They’re best friends. They’re kidnapped. Somehow a human expects us to believe that “they were kidnapped” is all the transitioning we need to go from two happily chatting friends to being strapped to tables being subjected to experiments. So we’re just going to skip the actual kidnapping and the potential emotional strain that such an event would put on our protagonists? Bad form.
But if you want the best example of this author rushing things to ruin the mood and potential impact, take a look at when Luna attempts to commit suicide. The single most important moment, the critical climax event of the entire story, the moment that is the last gasp and the final hope for Luna’s ongoing morality is, for all intents and purposes, skipped. Summarized in a bare bones, rapidfire description that does absolutely nothing to emphasize the importance of the moment. If anything, it feels like a footnote.
What makes this most frustrating is that a human demonstrates repeatedly an ability and willingness to go into proper details regarding events. When Luna finds her parents, for example, or when she’s struggling to get accustomed to what has happened to her body in the final chapter. The author can do it, they just chose not to, and that is baffling. Why would you devote so much time and attention to Luna stumbling around her room and learning her new senses and skim over the seminal moment of the entire story?
In the end, I left this one frustrated. a human has some interesting ideas, if not necessarily original ones, and demonstrates they can write decently when they desire to do so. And yet they consistently choose not to at all the wrong moments. They appear at times to have zero concept of transitioning, plot flow, and atmosphere while at others seem to have a good idea what they’re doing. I almost feel like they had a handful of scenes vividly pictured in their heads and just rushed past anything else. Which is problematic: a key to being a good writer is giving every scene the attention it needs, not just the ones that most interest you.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
"What is harmony but the suppression of free will?" — Worth It
There is no Luna — Needs Work
The Gift of Hearth’s Warming
11,311 Words
By Astral Phoenix
Alternative Title: Hallmark Does Hearth’s Warming
When Apple Bloom discovers that Princess Twilight is stuck spending Hearth’s Warming Eve alone in her castle, she decides that simply won’t do.
Astral Phoenix makes an effort here to create a Hearth’s Warming special, and ends up making one in the spirit of the Hallmark Channel. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I guess it’s up to the individual. That being said, it is nothing if not predictable. Everything you expect to happen happens; the only thing it’s lacking is a romantic partner for Twilight.
For my part, I was more annoyed than entertained. The circumstances are questionable at best and outright unbelievable at worst. They include characters literally traversing the nation of Equestria in a day from every corner without the use of train lines in poor weather conditions, some of them repeatedly. And while I’ll grant that some people have the mystifying idea that Equestria is the size of Rhode Island, it should be pointed out that the entire reason Twilight is alone for Hearth’s Warming is because of those train lines being out of service. Somehow, the very thing preventing the perfect holiday was of no impact whatsoever, so why was it made into such a big factor?
On top of that, Astral Phoenix cranks up the drama to such an overwhelming degree that the characters treat someone not present for Hearth’s Warming as if they’re dead. Really, they’re taking it that seriously, complete with repeated bouts of uncontrollable sobbing and lamented exclamations of how dearly they’re missed. The melodrama is strong with this one.
Then we have Twilight—she with a long-established adoration of astronomy—somehow not knowing about an unusual, presmumbly local astronomical phenomenon. And Apple Bloom’s inexplicable adoration of Twilight (apparently one of the author’s penchants), which is so saccharine it starts feeling like someone dumped an entire bag of sugar on a single cupcake. And then we have the ending, which is the feel-goodsy, ‘make the impossible happen because this is a happy story and be damned with the logistics of it!’ type.
Last but not least, we have a writing style that is exceedingly extrapolative. The obvious will be explained to you repeatedly. You will receive dialogue, then receive a sentence explaining the point behind the dialogue, because you’re too stupid to understand the intention. This played a big part in the overdramatization of many of the events, especially the ones of no consequence.
As far as holiday stories go, this one is a resounding “meh.” It’s not memorable and feels too commercial and formulaic. It lacks a gripping or original premise and does what pretty much every Hallmark christmas movie does, romance not included. The story might be decently written—it’s one of the cleanest stories I’ve read in a while in terms of grammar and typos, though the narrative tense seems to shift at random moments—but that alone isn’t enough to get it over the hump. I suppose it’ll work for you if you’re just interested in a feel-good story and don’t care about the technicalities, but that’s about it.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
My Wings Will Keep You Safe — Needs Work
"Why?"
2,980 Words
By Flint-Lock
Not even half-a-day after Starlight has been ‘reformed’ (or at least on the way to it), the Mane 6 are holding a party in her honor. But Starlight’s not exactly in a partying mood. Princess Twilight, as her new teacher, decides to have a one-on-one chat with her to find out what's wrong.
I was really hoping this wouldn’t go in the most obvious of all possible directions… but it did. It’s basically Starlight asking “why the heck did you forgive me for all my crimes, including the ruination/total destruction of the world a half-dozen times, just like that?” Which leads to Twilight feeding her some feel-good Magical Pony Land lines about forgiveness creating new ponies and whatnot.
Okay, so the idea is simple and unoriginal. The story is fast and a unbelievable, mainly because it’s plot is: “Question?” “”Answer.” “The whole world suddenly makes sense and I’m happy again!”
Still, it’s not a bad lesson to teach kids, which, given the show’s audience, makes this fit well with canon. We (well, some of us) try not to let the show’s unrealistic nature impact us because of that target audience. One could make the same argument here. It doesn’t make me like it any more, but I’m willing to keep this in consideration. It’s a simple story with a simple premise that says what it means to say quickly and efficiently. Could have made for a decent 5-minute short on YouTube, perhaps.
Your mileage may vary. It’s certainly no Composing a Dream, but Flint-Lock could have done far worse. Might want to give it a cleaning run, though; the typos and formatting errors are a little too obvious.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Composing a Dream — WHYRTY?
Wake up and Smell the Ashes — Needs Work
Music After Midnight
2,221 Words
By AndrewRogue
Vinyl Scratch stays up late trying to come up with music. Any music. Anything that won’t make her feel like a complete failure of a musician.
This is a story about inadequacy and the value of success. Or, as Octavia puts it, “Being good doesn’t mean you’re destined for fame and fortune.” Vinyl Scratch loves music, but she can’t succeed at it, not in the way she wants. Octavia is there to help her understand that she might be defining success in the wrong way. It’s a delightful friendshipping moment between everyone’s favorite music ponies.
In fact, I would dare to say this story is vastly underappreciated. Heck, I’m starting to think this author is vastly underappreciated. Regardless, this is a strong slice of life tale. It is at times atmospheric, graced with two well-defined characters through adept dialogue, and knows exactly what it needs to do to get its message across. Very well done once again, Rogue.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Destiny Trap — WHYRTY?
Sisterhooves Squirt
2,282 Words
By Vertigo-01
The Sisterhooves Social was never a big deal for Scootaloo. It was mostly a day when her friends went and wasted time playing games when they could be out looking for cutie marks. But that’s different this year. Scootaloo just needs to figure a few things out: can non-family members compete, would Rainbow Dash be interested… and does Rainbow really think of her as a sister?
Altogether now: three, two, one, d’awww!
The majority of this story focuses on Scootaloo’s insecurity regarding her relationship with Rainbow Dash. It ends up going exactly where we all expect. Is it predictable? Absolutely. Should we care? Not in this case. Maybe it’s just my bias for Best Filly, but the obvious nature of the story did nothing whatsoever to dampen my pleasure.
At the same time, I applaud Vertigo-01 for not going the full route on the sisterhood thing. Some authors might have made Rainbow Dash get all mushy about the subject, but instead the scene and the characters are played straight. It manages to keep them show-accurate without sacrificing the good feels of the moment. Not bad, Mr. Knight.
There’s no reason not to read this. Unless you just don’t like Scootaloo, in which case what is wrong with you, you monster?
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
An Orphan's Curiosity — Pretty Good
Starlight, Trixie And The Cursed Manor
14,289 Words
By Schattendrache
Requested by Schattendrache
The Cutie Map has called upon Starlight Glimmer and Trixie Lulamoon. Their destination? An abandoned mansion outside Neighpols. Naturally, it’s rumored to be cursed.
I expected many things, but not a pooka (or puca, as Schattendrache prefers (or phooca (or púca (seriously, there are a lot of ways to spell this thing’s name)))). I have many questions regarding Mossy’s origins and the like. Alas, there will be no answers, but I suppose that wasn’t the point of the story.
Which is supposed to be horror. Alas, it is not. This is half-adventure and half-slice of life, but it is not horror. Those of you who have been reading these blogs for a while know that I am particular about my horrors, being rather fond of the subject. Schattendrache has the right idea I suppose, but their writing style isn't conducive to generating the right emotion and impact of the genre.
There are two issues with the writing that cause problems, and they might sound contradictory: it is descriptive and vague. All the moments that need to be powerful and evocative are not, and all the times we need to move on and get to the point are vividly described. So, basically, the exact opposite of what is needed in most stories, but especially in a horror. The result is writing that is repetitive, uncreative, and drags on forever in sentences that are way too long and tell us way too much. Take this, for example:
Gently she began to open the door inwards, but was only met with silence and a wider view of the room. When she had finally opened the door to the point she could enter without further moving the door she carefully crept into the room.
Wow, but that’s a mess. Why do we need to know what direction the door opens? Why are you telling us Starlight is seeing more of the room when, in the act of opening a door, that’s obvious? Why are you using 24 words to describe “She entered the room”? This is not emotional, it’s not atmospheric, and it is not creepy. It’s just boring, and with “door” repeated twice it’s annoying. There are only two words in all of this that are important: “gently”, and “silence”. Those are the concepts that need to be expanded upon and made vivid, because those are the things that can impact the reader’s interpretation and immersion. People are not pulled in by how wide a door is opened before it is passed through. You want this to be interesting?
Struggling to hide the trembling in her hoof, Starlight nudged the door. The silence of its opening settled like a stifling blanket over her thundering heart.
A few things are done here. First, I never once state how Starlight felt. But you get the message, do you not? This isn’t to say that you should never expressly say how a character feels, just don’t be so on-the-nose about it. This problem isn’t in the quote from the story, but it appears frequently.
Second, there’s no extraneous extra information. Readers know what they need to, and no more. You might get through the story faster this way, but if not you’ll at least be using that wordcount on something interesting instead of boring and repetitive.
Third is allusion, juxtaposition, and description. Forget the minutiae of the character’s actions and focus on the things that tell the reader how the characters feel. “Gently she began to open the door” doesn’t tell us what Starlight’s emotional state is. “Silence and a wider view of the room” has no atmospheric presence to let the readers know what the tone of the scene is. These things are critical when writing horrors, and are helpful when writing any story at all.
Moving on, the second critical mistake of the story, at least in terms of it being a horror, is that it’s over by the first half. The second half is just Starlight and Trixie trying to help a child find some closure. On the plus side, the second half isn’t bad for a story in general. But if this is meant to be a horror, you don’t stop the scares halfway through. They keep going, preferably in a way that ramps things up progressively.
I reiterate, this isn’t a bad story. Starlight and Trixie are decently voiced, even if the isolated dialogue is a bit off-putting. The plot is simplistic but sound, the use of mythological creatures is nicely implemented, and the larger mystery behind the puca opens up a lot of worldbuilding opportunities. It could use some polishing, but it’s alright in general. But we were promised a horror story, and it is decidedly not one.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Stories for Next Week:
Apples Forever by BlueColton
I Drain Fillyfoolery?! by Lise Eclaire
Dear Rarity by RarityEQM
Sibling Snuggles by The Abyss
Make a Plan, Take a Chance by Mooncalf
Conversations with Dead Ponies by Scramblers and Shadows
The Secrets We Keep by BlazzingInferno
Holding on to Nothing by Dianwei32
A Sleeping Rose by Admiral Biscuit
Patience by cursedchords
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Regarding the book, I'd just shrink the font. Or widen the margins, if that's an option.
Yeah, you pretty much have to either shrink the font until it fits or split it into two books.
*winces hard* Oh that story was so old. I always knew something was off about it, but by the time I had time to think about it... i was writing other stuff. XD
Ah well, thanks for noticing how i did improve later XD
Read a few of these!
"Living Forever..." was okay for me, but it was really telly on the emotional side, and the perspective jumps around frequently to all the girls. The plot was at least amusing.
"Sisterhooves Squirt" was a fun story that avoided being sappy, which is nice. In its original form, it had a problem where it couldn't decide whether it wanted to be limited or omniscient, but it cleaned up nicely, and it's one I'd definitely recommend.
On "Starlight, Trixie and the Cursed Manor," I had a lot of the same problems as you did. It was disappointing to see something set up for a horror premise, and indeed seem to go down that road for the first half, only to completely drop that by the end. I wonder if this wouldn't have been palatable as two separate stories? I didn't realize until I looked it up that a puca is an existing piece of folklore, but the version of it in the story goes beyond what powers the folklore ones do. It can not only imitate something, but it can assume the full powers of what it's imitating, which would seem to make them OP, yet none of them ever take the form of something particularly dangerous.
You’ve only read two Skywriter stories?!?! He’s one of the best writers on the site! You NEED to read the Cadance of Cloudsdale series! Here’s the first story:
- MLP: FiM
- Slice of Life
Three missing pieces, two loving alicorns, and a single stupid decision that will set young Princess Cadence on a fresh new course.I like that cover art for Sisterhood Squirt.
Thanks for the review. I'd have to agree with you that it isn't much of a horror, so I'll remove that tag as I would prefer the story not get split up as I am not confident with the second part being able to stand on its own. As for tightening up the structure to reduce wordiness and increase interest, could you recommend anything I can do to make sure that I actually accomplish that when I go back and do the corrections?
5046275
I used a puca because I wanted to incorporate a shapeshifter as the threat but changelings came with a whole mess of issues as to why one would be there and where its hive was. As for OP, I wanted to modify what it was enough that it didn't feel like a flat out changeling rip off, and if you look at post-reform changelings, they are all basically alicorns in that they have magic and wings, are entirely self-sufficient as all it takes is another organism for them to love to gain the required energy to live, and are capable of transforming into most anything living or otherwise as was proven by Thorax and his brother. As for my depiction of pucas not following the folklore very closely, I point again to the changelings.
5046130
5046135
I’ll try those, but we’re still talking about 130 pages of material. I’m worried I’ll end up making the text so small as to be unreadable.
5046147
In instances like this, that’s the most important thing there is.
5046275
The perspective does indeed jump around in Living Forever..., and like you I tend to find that very annoying.
5046315
I’m going to count that as a request. If I put it in my regular RiL it’ll be over a year before I can get to it.
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The very first thing I’d recommend is not to go back and fix it. Leave it alone and move on. You’re never going to achieve anything constantly turning around and fixing your mistakes. It’s way better to leave the mistakes in there as reminders of lessons learned and apply those lessons to new material.
I’m afraid I lack the time right now to re-read the story with an editor’s eye (very different from a reviewer’s eye) and point out specific instances of writing gaffes. Perhaps on a day when I’m not on a timetable I’ll go back and do that, but I just can’t right now. Sorry.
5046377
This isn’t a request. This is an order.
(Skywriter’s just that good.)
5046377
I don't want to be presumptuous of your time, but does Unicorn Tooth get bumped any if I second the request/recommendation? Definitely top-tier.
Is it wrong if I'm disappointed that a Scootadash titled "Sisterhooves Squirt" is rated E?
5046619
Probably, but I'll abstain.
5046603
Alas, it does not. Only my extremely few patrons can bump up a story like that, and since I've more or less stopped advertising I even have a patreon...
But it won't matter in this case. The request list is practically empty aside from the big stories that'll take forever to get to by their length alone, so it's already high on the list.