Paul's Thursday Reviews CXLXVI · 9:11pm Apr 11th, 2019
I’m only a couple chapters away from getting Bulletproof Heart transferred to a book format. It’s funny how you forget things with time. Eventually the ‘wonder’ of BPH wore off a bit and I moved on to other things. I’m sorry to say the sequel has been somewhat delayed as a result. But over the last few weeks of re-reading and correcting the minor errors I’m still finding (is there some typo fairy that goes into finished stories and makes these things?), I’ve also rekindled my love for the story and its characters. I find myself very eager to get back into writing the sequel. Alas, I need to finish Life of Pie first since it’s practically there.
Still, I think it’s about time to try something new, which is to stay focused on a single story. I know it won’t last because I have trouble focusing on just one for longer than, say, a month. Still, if it’ll jump-start BPH2’s progress, I don’t see any reason not to try.
But first, I need to finish this transfer process. I’ll have the stories moved in general, but I’ll still need to tweak the formatting to make sure the books come out looking neat. I imagine this part will be tedious at best and annoying at worst. Not looking forward to it, but we gotta do what we gotta do. Once I’ve gotten the books in what I would consider a reasonable appearance, I’ll order test copies.
In the meantime, I was wondering if anyone else has used Lulu? I’m hoping someone who has would be Fluttershy enough to show me a copy of their Word template for comparison purposes. Having never done this before, I’m not 100% sure what I should be striving for as far as appearances go.
Alright, enough yakking. Reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Princess Twilight Sparkle's 505th Birthday by Autumnschild
She's Definitely Got The Mane For It by Dilos1
A Mare's Last Heat by Michael Hudson
Why Can't I Be Your Rara? by Oroboro
Paper Promises by Fervidor
Firebird Dahlia by The Albinocorn
Return of the Rainbow Warrior by Rathbane
Aletheia by Foehn
Tradecraft by Taialin
The Ballad of Firebrand and Olivine by paleowriter
Total Word Count: 195,895
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 5
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Princess Twilight Sparkle's 505th Birthday
104,072 Words
By Autumnschild
One day, Celestia and Luna vanished from the face of Equestria. There was no warning, no note left behind, no nothing. Just one day they’re there, and the next… gone. For the last 500 years, Princess Twilight and Princess Cadance have been managing Equestria’s affairs, starting with ending the old monarchy and beginning a Senate so that ponies could rule themselves. Celestia and Luna have been forgotten by all but the few who knew them and a handful of scholars.
In this setting we find Princess Twilight’s earth pony student, Smarty Pants, and her friends Honeycrisp and Sandy. Smarty is determined to find the Princesses Celestia and Luna and bring them home for Twilight’s birthday, and this year she believes she finally knows where they are: the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters! All she has to do is convince her two friends to go along with her into the Everfree and help her find it. If only there wasn’t a draconequus napping there and an unholy abomination of Order waiting for some innocent, unwitting fillies to set it free.
I am conflicted. This story is one part tons of fun and another part total mess. It largely centers around the three fillies, Twilight, Discord, and Rarity trying to keep a monstrous magical construct known as the Beacon of Order from destroying all life as they know it. It’s about as serious a threat as they’ve ever seen, unstoppable against all known forces except Celestia and Luna, and even then only under very specific, highly unlikely circumstances. And that ‘destroy all life’ thing is quite literal. You’d think this would be cause for alarm.
Instead Twilight is singing songs leading to blatantly silly ideas, would rather have breakfast than deal with the apparent threat, and generally waste time. We’ve got Celestia and Luna knowing all about the threat to Equestria and doing nothing because… uh… just because. The whole story is littered with jokes, pointless tangents, and utter nonsense. It’s like the author couldn’t make up their mind regarding whether this was going to be a Serious Story™ or a story aimed at children for a laugh. The result is an uncomfortable clash that can get very annoying. I’m sorry, but if I know that there’s a monster, presumably impossible to defeat with the resources presently available, coming to my home to kill all life on Earth I think I’d be more interested in finding a solution than enjoying sarcastic banter with a holographic Trixipedia.
The good news is that the silly parts are quite good. Even as I was annoyed by the author’s inability to choose a tone for the story, I enjoyed the goofy bits. I liked the banter among the fillies, Discord’s usual antics, idiotic demons from Tartarus who take commands too literally, and references to baked goods as weapons of war. I was especially fond of Trixie being a holographic, magical fact-checking entity and would love to see that idea expanded into its own series. The material Autumnschild has is great! I just wish they’d applied it in a way that made sense given the nature of the threat. It’s like everypony is rendered a preteen child until the story demands otherwise.
To be fair, I can see that the author was trying to maintain the tone of the show. And the tone of the show is, let’s face it, silly, even in the face of disaster. Heck, from that perspective it could be considered wholly praise-worthy. I just couldn’t get over the clash of the tone and the serious nature of the Beacon of Order’s presence in the story.
I also feel like Autumnschild tried too hard to answer too many questions. I get it, the previous story in this series left a huge gaping hole of WTF in its content and people were clamoring for answers. But did we really need an entire chapter of tangent in which we learn how Rarity became the Crystal Empress, which has absolutely nothing to do with current events? No, no we didn’t. That’s material for another story entirely.
Then there’s the plot logic, or rather lack of it. Celestia and Luna are the key to solving the problem, you say? They designed it that way, you say? And they’ve known all about it ever since it started at the beginning of the story? Well, you would think their natural reaction would be to do something about it before the threat grows beyond their ability to deal with. But no, they’re going to keep hiding, do nothing, and let things grow worse. Why? No reason. No, literally, there is no reason. As the epilogue shows, Celestia and Luna are basically selfish assholes who would rather watch ponies suffer horribly and face imminent doom than raise a hoof to help. Oh, they eventually do, but apparently only because the plot mandated it be so. I don’t know why they bothered, they clearly don’t give a rat’s ass about what happens to Equestria.
What’s that? Discord has the incredible superpower of going back in time to warn Twilight about their inevitable demise? Why the heck would he do that? Better to lie to her and let events play out all over again, in spite of the tragic amounts of pain he knows the coming events will inflict upon all, including himself.
And then there’s the solution, which is basically one big McGuffin that appears with no warning, no reason, and no explanation. You’re just expected to accept that it happened and move on. I have no idea what Autumnschild thought they were doing with this, but it made all the struggles and effort of our protagonists feel pointless. I’m especially disappointed that Smarty Pants, Honeycrisp, and Sandy were reduced to what amounts to sidekicks in their own story.
I know all this makes it sound like I didn’t enjoy the story. Quite the opposite! I had a lot of fun with it. The adventure was enjoyable, the humor entertaining despite being overbearing to the plot, and the characters are both relatable and endearing. The threat posed by the Beacon of Order was certifiably disturbing and an exemplary example of a villain to be hated, even if the characters didn’t treat him seriously until he had his hooves around their necks. The writing is solid throughout, the pacing excellent, and the ideas full of new possibilities.
So I liked the story overall. I just have a lot of issues with how it was presented; in atmosphere, in tone, in self-contradiction, in plot logic. I’m still willing to rate it well, but only with an asterisk in there. I’m looking forward to the sequel (should it ever be finished), which will hopefully stick to the three fillies as the main characters this time.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good*
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Princess Twilight Sparkle's 500th Birthday — WHYRTY?
She's Definitely Got The Mane For It
13,453 Words
By Dilos1
When Twilight first sees Countess Coloratura performing on stage, she makes an unexpected and somewhat silly connection. Still, it produces a deep-rooted fear that she becomes determined to investigate.
I had no idea what to expect with this one going in. The fact that it has the Random tag kept me wary that it might end up having a bait-and-switch premise (looking at it now, I have no idea why that tag is being used for this story). I never anticipated that it would lead to the premise that Coloratura is actually a siren. I’m a little disappointed in myself. In hindsight, the premise is so obvious that I can’t believe I haven’t seen it used before.
The premise was nicely handled, with the greatest singer in Equestria (Songbird who?) reacting with all due fear to the idea of being found out by none other than the Princess of Friendship. Along the way we get some snippets of Siren history in Equestria. I’m still mildly disappointed Twilight didn’t have an epic freakout at the potential for learning about mysterious culture, but I suppose she had more pertinent things to worry about (not that that’s stopped her before). Svengallop’s situation at the end was also quite entertaining, and I doubt anyone will blame Pinkie for her actions.
Also: how is it Coloratura lived centuries ago, but appeared as a filly when she first met Applejack? This gets completely ignored, but it feels like a pretty big hole in the plot.
The prose struggles a bit, mostly due to repetition and the occasional missing word. The single worst moment came when Twilight is in Rara’s trailer listening to her weep and, quote, “comes to the conclusion that this was something very personal for the siren.”
In other words, Dilos1 can be frustrating telly at times.
But as far as plot goes, the author did well. I suppose some might gripe that we never get to see Applejack react to the news, but the story does everything it needs to. It has decent atmosphere and characterization, but is a little slow in its overarching manner. Ultimately, I am pleased, especially for this being an author I’ve not read before. I’ll be interested in seeing what else they have up their sleeve.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Mare's Last Heat
4,086 Words
By Michael Hudson
Perhaps due to her affinity for animals, Fluttershy has a unique talent for knowing when a mare is on her last heat. She detected it for Rainbow, Twilight, and Rarity. And now, to her dismay, she’s detected it in herself. With no special somepony, she realizes that she’s doomed to live her life without a foal.
Michael Hudson is known more for his clop than anything resembling a ‘proper’ story. Seriously, out of his 200+ stories on the site the vast majority are clop. But that doesn’t stop him from occasionally producing something for less-than-pervy reasons, and this is a solid example of that. It’s an interesting little piece in which Fluttershy faces her only options, which includes a Discord hesitant to settle down. It does a decent job of handling the atmosphere of her sadness, especially in the first third of the story.
The only thing that might put people off about this one is that it appears to assume all women want children, and that not having them is a always a big deal. To be fair, it’s very possible I’m misconstruing the context of the story. It’s just a sense the story gives off, and I doubt I’m the only one. There’s also this peculiar conclusion in which Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are in love after ten years of separation due to a hard (if one-sided) falling out. It all feels too sudden, like instead of just saying ‘yes’ there should have been some agreement to try it out. Or something. Discord got this treatment and he technically didn’t have a lot of time for it, so why didn’t Rainbow, who has plenty?
Still, it’s a very interesting premise that works well as the story is given. My complaints are largely nitpicks and probably won’t concern the majority of readers. I’d be curious to see if anyone else has tried writing about this subject.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Why Can't I Be Your Rara?
2,734 Words
By Oroboro
Coloratura has invited Applejack and all her new friends to a bar to celebrate her concert and getting rid of her crummy manager. Now the night’s all but over, and it’s just her, AJ, and Rarity. Rarity has decided to get herself smashed as she thinks about the way Applejack and Coloratura seem so enamored with one another. All she can think about is how her best friend might not think of her as a best friend.
Is it odd that I really like watching Rarity be jealous?
There are two things of note with this story. The first is that somehow it manages to do what it intended to do without Applejack ever knowing Rarity’s feelings on the matter. Instead of Rarity pulling AJ into her drama, she instead starts to bond with Coloratura. It’s not the direction I expected, but that plays in its favor. I do have to question how it is that Coloratura, who not five minutes ago needed Applejack’s help to walk out of the bar, was able to walk back in and check on Rarity on her own power.
The second thing of note is that this is a friendshipping story. Granted, there’s no romance tag to be seen, but it’s not an easy thing to set this scene with Rarity and not give it the appearance of an unrequited love story. Oroboro manages things in just the right way so that the only people who will see shipping here are the ones who are absolutely determined to do so. This is a story about Rarity having a best friend and wanting to be seen as a best friend in return, and the author did a solid job keeping it that way.
Although I won’t blame anyone for taking “The problem is that I'm not the right pony” in a certain direction. Shippers gonna ship.
A third element that catches my attention is the curious idea that Rarity, without ever even meeting Coloratura until this time, was indirectly responsible for Coloratura’s kind manner. That’s a fascinating turnabout and I’d love to see it explored a little more.
All in all, an interesting story with some unexpected shifts. Plus it’s got Rarity being envious, which I probably like to see more than I should. So I definitely enjoyed this one, and I imagine others will enjoy it too. If you somehow haven’t read this one yet, it’s a good way to spend a quarter-hour.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Fractured Sunlight — WHYRTY?
The Heart of an Author — WHYRTY?
Applejack and the Garden of Eden — Pretty Good
Paper Promises
4,040 Words
By Fervidor
Filthy Rich has come to a disturbing realization: his daughter Diamond has no idea what a promise is, much less why it’s so important to keep one. Luckily, Filthy has an idea regarding how to fix that: by giving Diamond Tiara money.
This was a fascinating and original means of explaining the nature of promises. I can safely say I’ve never seen the subject handled in quite this way before. The only catch to it is that it requires some concept of money in general. Diamond Tiara, being the daughter of a business owner, has a distinct advantage in that regard. Would it work on other kids? Hard to say, especially when Diamond’s age is in question. Apple Bloom might get it, but I think Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle would have been lost.
At any rate, this was an enjoyable story featuring a rarely-utilized protagonist and some even rarer Filthy Rich/Diamond Tiara teachable moments. The perfectly voiced Pinkie Pie scene was also excellently handled, although I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cringe at poor Fluttershy’s unwitting pun.
A nice story with a great lesson, utilizing the absolute best characters for the job. I have no complaints.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Firebird Dahlia
48,819 Words
By The Albinocorn
Sunset Shimmer didn’t leave just Celestia and Equestria behind. She had a family: parents and a big sister. Now she feels the need to go back and apologize for disappearing from their lives for ten long years. But she has a lot more to answer for than just running away without saying anything.
The Albinocorn introduces us to a new idea regarding Sunset. While most stories I’ve read have made Sunset an orphan or otherwise had her family of no consequence, here we learn that not only is Sunset’s family alive and kicking, but they’re all pegasi. That’s right, Sunset got to be the oddball out. But to make it even stranger, her elder sister is none of than Spitfire, Captain of the Wonderbolts. Once you’ve permitted that premise to sink in, you have to deal with the onslaught: Sunset and Spitfire do not get along.
What follows is a heartwarming, if subdued, Sunset Returns story that focuses predominantly on her attempts to both make up with and heal the rift forged within her small family. I loved the dynamic between Spitfire and Sunset as their respective egos clash. The flashbacks of their childhood together were particularly well done, which is saying something considering my general disapproval of flashbacks. Of note is how the author worked to give each character a distinct voice, an important thing when dealing with OCs.
Definitely a worthwhile piece of Sunset fanfiction. I’m looking forward to the sequel… should it ever be completed.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Long Road to Friendship — WHYRTY?
Sunset of Time — Worth It
Return of the Rainbow Warrior
5,637 Words
By Rathbane
Princess Twilight brings her friends to a small resort island for a vacation only to discover that her little tropical paradise has been transformed into a capitalist tourist trap. She’s not the only one horrified, though; local priestess Li’ho Ani is determined to get rid of the resort and restore her island to its original form, and is happy to use methods of… ‘forced coercion’ to get the job done.
I had hoped that reading one of this author’s more recent works would show some improvement. Alas, it is not so. This story rips through its own plot like a bullet, never changing pace or giving anyone a reason to care about anything that is happening. Its scene transitions have zero actual transition and the plot logic is absurd. Is there anyone who actually believes the Mane 6 can activate their Rainbow Power on a whim? Why is Rathbane including voodoo magic in a Pacific Islands-style setting? The characterization of the resort owner is so stereotypically unrealistic it’s shameful. Any sense of atmosphere is absent, replaced instead by an uninteresting and telly stream of events that barrels through any emotional value the story could have had.
This was an opportunity for Rathbane to show dramatic improvement. The setting is unusual. The plot, while not original, could have led to some nice worldbuilding and character/relationship development. The villain was in a good position to be complex and interesting. The author takes advantage of none of these, although I can see some shallow attempts at at least one.
It’s a shame. As the story stands, it seems to exist solely for the bare bones entertainment of hypnotism enthusiasts. It has nothing else going for it whatsoever.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Bad Therapy — Needs Work
In this atmospheric piece, Foehn tells us of the lost city of Aletheia, which is itself known by many names in many cultures.
The result is a fascinating piece of lore that mesmerizes with the fewest words possible. Three cities are told of in such a short span of time, each description remarkably vivid for how very little we are given. The story relies on the reader’s imagination to fill in the blanks, but gives us just enough to generate that ethereal fantasy quality and mystical atmosphere. Foehn uses all the right words in all the right places, giving us a remarkable piece.
This is top-tier stuff. It deserves way more attention than it has.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Tale Told — WHYRTY?
Grey — Pretty Good
Telos — Worth It
Tradecraft
8,918 Words
By Taialin
Fluttershy is a medical student in Canterlot. She owes her life to the criminal organization belonging to a mare known only as The Queen. It’s a fair arrangement; Fluttershy works part-time at one of The Queen’s local clinics and The Queen pays her tuition. It helps that working for The Queen keeps her out of the clutches of the Tempest Gang, who are far more brutish. But now Fluttershy is in an entirely new situation, one that threatens to put her back in the Tempests’ clutches for good. After so many desperate and legal attempts to deal with the problem, she is left with only one terrifying option: meet The Queen personally and beg for another favor.
Rarity as an all-powerful crime boss? Yes! and Please!
The first thing you have to do to get into this story is pay attention to the tags. The cover art depicts a femme fatale anthro-Rarity, but this is a pony story, not an anthro story. Normally this kind of thing would annoy me, but I can understand that Taialin’s art options were probably very limited with this concept (although Shadow Spade Rarity might do the trick). Still, if you don’t see it coming it can be jarring, so proper attention is warranted, because the cover is very misleading.
At any rate, this is set in a dystopian world where the government is as corrupt as the gangs and the common citizen’s only choice is to pick what they consider the ‘lesser evil.’ In this Equestria of cruel police, vicious gangs, and general lawlessness, Rarity is who she always is, and that makes her organization a bastion of order, harmony, and fairness in a wasteland nation. I love the idea behind this, as it strikes me as so perfectly Rarity. Her character is nicely preserved.
As is Fluttershy’s. Our protagonist is everything we’d expect of her in this new world: kind, but also at the cruel mercies of whatever gang might attempt to gobble her up. And since good doctors – even ones still in training – are hard to come by, she finds herself a prized commodity. Fluttershy’s manner in the story is perfectly fitting the revised world, and seeing her form a connection with Rarity as The Queen was a pleasant experience. One must wonder what Rainbow Dash’s contribution to Rarity’s business might be.
One also has to wonder what the deal is with the world. Where are Celestia and Luna? Whatever happened to Harmony and the Elements, not to mention the Wendigos? There’s a massive amount of potential in this universe’s background, and we are sadly not made privy to it despite the extrapolative introduction to this world. Actually, that extrapolation is one of my prime complaints with this story. Taialin could have very easily eased us into this one by circumstance, dialogue, and scenery, but instead chose to blow the first thousand or so words on “this is what the world is”. It’s effective and kept brief enough to not distract from the story, but I can’t help but think a more immersive opener would have been nice.
Even so, I daresay I enjoyed this more than any of Taialin’s other stories. I freely admit that may be my bias for Rarity and mafia-esque stories coming to play. Regardless, this is a story vastly underappreciated for how good it is as a window into a world that could have been. Alas, there are no sequels or expansions to be found. A pity, that.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Eternity — Pretty Good
Language — Pretty Good
Lust — Pretty Good
Nothing to Fear — Pretty Good
Listen — Worth It
The Ballad of Firebrand and Olivine
3,135 Words
By paleowriter
Rarity has knitted winter scarves as gifts for all her friends! Well, all except Spike. Feeling left out and still crushing, Spike recalls a bedtime story Princess Celestia once told him when he was younger. It was a romance between a dragon and a pony. Most view it as a tragedy. Spike has to wonder if that’s true.
It’s been a long time since I read a paleowriter fic. For those of you unaware, this author seems dedicated to writing only one kind of story: Sparity ships. Fortunately, they’re pretty good at it.
In what is easily the cleanest story I’ve read by this author, we get a short tale that both recounts an Equestrian legend and gives us a little bit of Sparity friendshipping, even if the two never say a word to one another in the entire story. In a pleasant little bit of mischievousness, paleowriter’s overarching story mimics the main story by leaving the ending open to interpretation.
The only thing questionable to me is the poetry that makes up the legend itself. I’m not saying the poetry is bad, but I’ve already admitted many times that I’m no judge of it. I can’t say that it’s good or bad. It read easily enough, but I couldn’t tell you if it succeeded in regard to the technicalities of how poetry is ‘supposed’ to be written. Thus, this is something you’ll have to determine for yourselves.
But for my enjoyment, this was a nice story. It avoids all of paleowriter’s common pitfalls, gets to the point quickly, and is is open enough to let the reader get what they want out of it. If you’re into Sparity – for romance or just friendshipping – this isn’t a bad one at all.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
How to Woo Your Lady in Nine Easy Steps — Pretty Good
Ladies Don't Freak Out — Pretty Good
Of Age — Worth It
Rarity's Diary — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
Remembering the Fallen by vren55
Living Forever... by Whateverdudezb
Princess Celestia's Newest Arch Enemy by naturalbornderpy
Martial Bliss by Skywriter
Come with me, Luna by a human
The Gift of Hearth’s Warming by Astral Phoenix
"Why?" by Flint-Lock
Music After Midnight by AndrewRogue
Sisterhooves Squirt by Vertigo-01
Starlight, Trixie And The Cursed Manor by Schattendrache
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Wait a minute, I remember this one. I remember reading it early in the days of the fandom, then thinking it was three separate stories in my head, and being very shocked when I found it again later and realized it was all the ONE story.
Yeah, it really needed to make up its mind. Parts on their own? Good. Together? Well ... I really thought for a while that it was three separate stories.
Aw, haven't read any of these. But every time I see "Firebird Dahlia" mentioned, I confuse it with another story that's well-regarded but I didn't like.
Cheers for another review - you're too kind!
I think you've polished off my last piece here - I'll have to write something new. It's been too long.
What makes Rainbow Warrior even worse is how flat the hypnosis actually is. The focus should have been on making us feel what either the hypnotist or submissive was feeling, but instead we just get a repetitive script. The flowers could be swapped out for any other method and feel the same.
Hey!
. . .
Okay, it's true, but I'm working on it.
There is a demon of typos, yes!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titivillus
5044061
Now I wanna write a story featuring this guy.
Thanks for the thorough analysis of Return of the Rainbow Warrior. All your thoughts are on point. Yeah it is hypnosis heavy mostly due to it being an entry in a MLP Hypno group on DeviantArt (which I won ;) )
Also thank you so much for being the first person to not say “Wow this could’ve been an episode of the show” the story was not worthy of such praise.