Vertigo Reviews: Princess Celestia is in Your Washing Machine, Blink, Of Angels, They Shall Not Grow Old, Moonstone, Odd Jobs, ALREADY??, Old Friends, The Mane Six Meet an Alicorn OC, The Sibling Situation, City of Monsters, and Flash Of Temptation · 1:14am Mar 28th, 2019
When I decided to make a clean slate here on FiMFiction, I hadn’t intended to delete my older reviews. Well, I did and I regret it. But whatever, that’s in the past and I cannot change that. So, let’s bring back reviews. I asked you all to throw me some recommendations and requests and while I know that today won’t contain all of those (I’m sorry!), I’ll do my best to get to as many as I can. In the future however, I’ll be normally be reviewing between 3 and 5 at a time, though I will make exceptions every now and then. WIth that said, let’s kick things off with Princess Celestia is in Your Washing Machine by Grand_Moff_Pony.
Originally, my friend, Temnizziv, had suggested the sequel to this story, which is “Princess Celestia Goes to Costco”. I was intending to start there and giving a few brief thoughts on this story in a review for that, but this story—despite being half the length of its sequel—was more than worthy enough for a review.
First up, here’s the description to the story.
It's been three months since Princess Celestia appeared in your bed. Three months since she took that bed, along with your sheets and your pillows. Three months since she nearly drove your girlfriend away from you. But peace was made, and everything had been going relatively smoothly. Life was even beginning to look up.
Until today.
I’ll admit that this is a very good hook for the story. It’s simple, but eye catching. Good job, author!
This story is a spinoff to the story “Princess Celestia is in your bed.” by Ocalhoun. I don’t quite get why the title to that story is spelled the way it is as it looks silly, but whatever. It spawned numerous spinoff stories and I haven’t read that story in a while. Though upon checking, I also never upvoted it or favorited. All I really remember from it is what’s in the title: Celestia is in the main character’s bed. Likewise, despite just having read this story, all I can truly remember from this story is Celestia—who has the likability of a lazy roommate who does nothing but leech off of you—was in the washing machine of the main character (whose name is Steve).
The joke is as I just said that Celestia is akin to a lazy roommate. Admittedly, that’s something I find difficult to find funny given that you’re stuck with an all-powerful entity who can’t get some sort of karma delivered to them and who will be nothing more than a burden for the main character. Now understandably, that’s funny to some. More power to those who find it funny. In my eyes, that’s not funny. That’s just frustrating and grating since all I want to do is see Celestia get repeatedly punched.
Though the mention of a Fanta bottle fort screamed “better story”.
My personal biases aside, let’s look at this story through an objective lens. It is decently written and while I’ve seldom seen Celestia written in a more obnoxious and infuriatingly unlikable way, her nonchalant attitude was handle well enough that I tip my metaphorical hat to the author for making her in such a way that I can see the appeal. Especially when I know that I myself would write her in a way that would make her out to be someone with a room temperature IQ.
As for our main character, Steve, he’s… well, I think he’s meant to be a blank template that we put ourselves into. It is, after all, about Celestia being in your washing machine. Yet, bizarrely, it’s written in the first-person. While that’s in line with the original story, it also makes the title feel inappropriate. Maybe it’s just me though. It didn’t take me out of the story, but it stuck out throughout it.
This story comes in at 2,499 words and it flows very well, even if a few moments feel like they could’ve been cut down. The intro to the story fills us in on an agreements that Steve has with Celestia and girlfriend. All of it feels unnecessary in the long run and more like padding. While I know I’m definitely not one to talk about that, I can’t help but feel if it was removed, little of necessity would’ve been lost in the grand scheme of things. Beyond that little sore thumb, the rest of the story all fits together nice enough and I have no complaints.
Grammatically it’s fine and I didn’t see any sort of errors. However, reading this in the morning, I could’ve just as easily missed them. Either way, I tip my hat for such an achievement.
The last thing I’ll mention is the biggest thing and one that I’ll admit is extremely subjective, but I still wish to mention. This story is tagged as a “Comedy” (and Random), and is the author’s first attempt at one according to the author’s note. That said, I didn’t laugh once. Nor did I crack a smile. Now, I’ll fully admit that humor, comedy, and everything else like that is subjective. Some may disagree and that’s understandable. This story didn’t tickle my funny bone and the way Celestia is written had a major part in why it didn’t. As I can tell by the number of likes this story has, plus the comments, I’m a minority on this. I merely mention this as this is a review and given the tagging, it feels necessary.
While I may not have laughed and while I may have found Celestia to be unbearable, I still recommend checking this story out if you enjoy very silly premises. I always try to look at stories with my personal biases aside and this is one where my own opinion is very, very different from the story as it’s written. It’s finely made. It’s constructed competently and handles its silly premise well enough, playing it straight instead of going full crackfic. I’ll check out the sequel another day however.
Final Score: B-
Our second story is Blink by the previously mentioned Ocalhoun. This story I recall quite well as there were a ridiculously large amount of spinoffs that followed in its wake.
Our description goes as follows.
Teleportation. It is the best possible way to travel... As long as you don't think about it too much. As long as you don't ask where Twilight goes in that split second when she's neither here nor there.
Eerie, unnerving, and a brilliant hook. However, I’m very irked that after the ellipses, the A in “as” is capitalized. As far as I’m aware, you always have the following word in lower case. If I’m wrong about this, then ignore this.
This story comes in at a mere 990 words and it’s all the better it, feeling like a quick punch to the stomach with how it reads. Premise wise, it centers on Twilight Sparkle getting stuck in the aforementioned place between when one teleports to another location. Without spoiling too much, it’s not fun.
Given that the story is so short, its characterization of Twilight in this story is surprisingly very well done. Though I guess when you have 2,337 followers (at the time of this writing), I would expect you to be a good writer. I’m not familiar with the author’s writing as far as I’m aware, I seldom seek out stories to read on FiMFiction nowadays, tending to just reread a few stories as a pick-me-up. Lucky for the author here, they’re very good. Or so I can only assume based on this one story.
Being that this is a horror story… well, I can’t quite say I was scared. Rather, I was more intrigued by the world this story sets up, which I’m delighted that there’s a group dedicated to the spiritual successors to this story that I’ll try to get to when I have freetime. However, in the way of being scared, I found the story to be a bit too short to really shock me. That, however, is just me: as a horror story on this website, it’s exceptional and better than most, relying more on a slow build up (for a story that’s under 1,000 words anyways) than trying to gross you out.
Speaking of grossing you out, I want to make note of something. The “grisly” (or as grisly as a T-rated story on this site can be I guess) details feel strangely out of place in a story that finds its stronger footing in the concept of getting stuck somewhere otherworldly. At the same time however, it does handle said graphic moments… well, I guess. So it has that going for it. I’ll note that this doesn’t affect the score in the long run as it’s a strictly a personal thing.
While it may not seem it: I quite enjoyed this story. My ultimate grievance is that its short length makes it feel like it’s a setup to something more. This story was apparently a Patreon request, so I don’t know if the request stated for the author to write a horror story under 1,000 words or what, but it feels too short for it to achieve its full potential. Nonetheless, it’s a competent and decent enough story that I recommend you read it if you by some chance haven’t. Good job, author.
Final Score: B-
Moving on however, the third story is Of Angels by PaulAsaran.
Our description goes as follows:
All his life, Angel Bunny has been plagued by a single question. At long last, he has an answer, and he longs to reveal it. Doing so may be the single most important thing he's ever done, but Angel doesn't know how to deliver the message. After all, rabbits have no need of writing.
Angel needs to learn. Knowing this task is far too important to let his pride get the better of him, Angel does something he never thought he'd do: ask for help. There's only one pony for the job.
Won’t lie, if this hadn’t been requested, I would’ve steered clear of it as I think the character of Angel Bunny is too bad to be anything more than a one-trick pony that merely spits in your face. The praise that’s listed in the description however might’ve been enough to pique my curiosity. I digress though, let’s get on with the review.
The story here is told through back and forth writing between Angel Bunny and a few other characters: Twilight, Spike, and Discord (albeit only a few times). Almost all of it is brilliantly well done, the few poor moments involving Discord. In all fairness though, the author himself states that he was never good at writing Discord and while it isn’t unbearably, the moments words are mashed together and was insufferably obnoxious. In fact, I’d say that’s the only thing I didn’t like about this entire story. The mixed colors, while it helped me to figure out what was being said, looked bizarre.
Let’s get back on track. The back and forth writing is to help Angel Bunny learn how to write so he can tell Fluttershy something. It starts off with Angel having abysmal grammar until he can write proper; spliced in is some personal drama between him and Spike plus Discord. It’s all really well weaved together and makes for a very touching story at its heart.
Being that this story is divided into two chapters, what I’ve described is the first chapter. The second one, which is the shorter of the two, is what Angel wishes to tell Fluttershy. It’s surprisingly touching, though I feel it started off a bit melodramatic. I’m inclined to believe that was the intention however given it doesn’t maintain that feel.
Let’s look at the story as a whole though. As stated before: I found it to be wonderfully handled and as the praise in the long description stated, extremely unique. Seeing a story told this way was quite fun and very personal; the end result being something was rather heartwarming. I can’t say I expected that, but it was a welcome surprise.
The character of Angel Bunny, as I stated at the start, is a character I really dislike. My reasoning is simple and I think most people who dislike him hold similar reasons: he’s unlikable and that’s where his characterization begins and ends. His name is ironic—nothing more and nothing less.
That’s without a shadow of a doubt this story’s biggest strength: its take on Angel is incredibly welcome from the innumerable amount of fanfics (and episodes) that treat him as little more than a demon whose onenote is “i’m an a-hole”. Seeing the inner feelings of Angel, who’s hellbent on learning how to write to tell Fluttershy what it is that he wishes to tell her, is endearing and actually made me feel for the little hellspawn. This may be the first time I’ve ever felt that way in any story and I can’t believe I’m even typing these words.
Topping off the story’s strengths is it’s incredibly well, flowing smoothly from start to finish. In fact, I’m a bit surprised given the short length of the story; it’s just barely over 4k words long. For reference: the first chapter is 2,435 words and the second is 1,589 words. Both flow equally well.
Grammatically, beyond the deliberate errors at the start, I didn’t notice any mistakes. However, I echo what I said about Discord’s messages being spliced in-between both Twilight and Spike’s messages at times here. It’s the one thing I disliked and I cannot state how frustrating that is.
Overall, Of Angels is probably one of the my favorite stories on the site. It’s unique, endearing, heartwarming, cute, and proved to me you can write Angel Bunny in a way that doesn’t make me want to strangle him. That last part alone is enough for me to think this story is a work of genius though.
Final Score: A+
The fourth story today is They Shall Not Grow Old by Stellar_. Now, I’m friends with the author and had reviewed two of his stories before I purged my blogs. Both of them I didn’t like. This one, however, I enjoyed quite a bit.
On the 100th anniversary of the end of the Great War, the last veteran performs one final service for his county.
This description kinda contradicts with the ending to this story given that it isn’t implied that it’s his “final service”. Beyond that, this summarizes the story well enough.
This story is centered on a stallion—a veteran—walking through a war memorial. There’s little more to it than that, but it’s definitely an emotional and somber story. And honestly, it works. The main idea behind the story is that this veteran is the last one alive, but their legacy and memory will live on. It’s pretty well handled and well paced; the story being a mere 1,519 words. However, there’s a little poem at the end which I want to say is related to something in real life that’s somehow going over my head. While it’s a nice addition, it feels a bit out of place simply being there after the story concludes as opposed to being an author’s note. This could very well just my opinion however and as such, it won’t affect the overall score.
The main character of the story, besides Celestia, is a stallion named Cotton Weave. We learn a bit about him as the story goes along, though I feel at times it’s a bit clunky. However, more often than not, it’s adequate and competently conveyed. The real star of the story however is, in my eyes at least, the narration. While very basic, I was rather moved at the mention of the ages of the ponies who’d died in the war and the very somber atmosphere that’s established at the start. Maybe it’s just the state of mind I’ve been in, but this story actually effectively tugged at my heart strings, which usually only happens in stories related to the death of family and friends. So, good job, Stellar. You actually got me to get a bit emotional.
This story is short, sweet, somber, and emotional. It’s also very simplistic. But above all else, it works. It’s nothing revolutionary in the way of a dramatic memorial story to those who’ve fought in wars, but it’s nonetheless heartfelt. That’s what it sets out to do and it succeeds. I loved it.
Final Score: A-
Story number five is Moonstone by Jykinturah. Man, that's a wicked username.
Luna must find a gift, so she creates one.
If this story doesn’t end with Luna having creating King Ghidorah, it’s getting an F. Okay, not really.
This story is one that lacks any dialogue until the very end of it, relying more on narration. This story handles that style extremely well, being very dramatic and powerful with each line. Luna goes to a castle forge to make a gift for a pony. While I’d hoped she’d make King Ghidorah, she instead makes a Moonstone. The narration makes it both grandiose and quite fun to read. By the end, we’re treated to a little twist (I guess, it felt like one to me; not something I expected) that leaves one guessing. All in all, it uses every word well and was a satisfying read.
Coming in at 1,063 words, Moonstone is briskly paced, though it feels a bit longer than it actually is. This would normally be something I’d criticize a story for, but in this case, I was pleased with it. In a way, it’s one of those stories that I wish was longer than it actually is. Something about it all was charming and pleasant, save for the reference to warriors who died in battle.
Given that there’s next to no dialogue, the characterization of Luna relies more on the narration describing her actions. I’ve read some stories that handle this extremely well and others that flunk this harder than I flunk algebra. This story is thankfully falls into the former category. Luna’s personality is fantastically handled and her emotion is very well conveyed. The end result is charming and cute. No more, no less.
Overall, Moonstone is an incredibly charming, simple, and endearing story. From start to finish, I felt a sense of bizarre joy I seldom feel when reading Slice of Life fics. I highly recommend this story.
Final Score: A+
Our sixth story is Odd Jobs by GravityDefyingCoffeeMug.
The Doctor finds something to do while Derpy is asleep.
Short, sweet, and to the point. Maybe too short for some, but I quite like it. You be the judge though.
This story lives up to its Random tag very well. It centers on Doctor Whooves who’s off doing… whatever it is he does; the story is very random, silly, and nonsensical. He takes Derpy’s makeup for reasons I couldn’t quite figure out and makes breakfast. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter as the story’s more focused on being silly. Whether or not you believe this to be a good thing is entirely on what you like in a comedy.
There’s one thing in particular I want to talk about in particular as it really bothered me. So before I get to that, allow me to go through the things about this story that did work.
For starters the character of Doctor Whooves is done incredibly well. He’s likable, charming, silly, and endearing. It’s one of the most gleeful portrayals of the character I’ve seen on this site and I adored him.
The second thing ties into the issue I have with this story, but I can separate it. This story is pretty funny. I laughed quite a few times at the nonsense that the Doctor got into; his shenanigans. The narration was also topnotch, appropriately goofy and carefree.
The last thing I’ll mention before I get into the big problem is that it’s paced more or less well. I say this as it ties into the issue, which I shall get to now: the humor. Or rather, something I noticed involving the narrative humor. To me, it feels like it flip flops between two styles: dry and incredibly energetic. The best way I can think about it in my hazy mindset is that it feels like the hypothetical love child of Scary Movie and Hot Fuzz. A very peculiar hybrid of energetic and smarts.
There’s a pretty funny moment where we we’re told the endless possibilities of where the TARDIS can bring us before The Doctor ultimately ends up in a kitchen. The build up is great and the payoff comes across as very deadpan.
Now right before that, we get this.
Not daring to exhale, the Doctor slunk out of her room, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
Muffling a chuckle, he bucked the air in delight, imitating a fist pump. He had done it, he had saved Derpy—again! He had sabotaged the face concealing potions—he was indestructible. He was sneaky and mysterious.
Mysterious! That was even better than enigmatic. He was the intergalactic man... er... pony of mystery.
He flipped his collar up and slid against the wall, humming the James Bond theme as he slink through the TARDIS like a spy, checking around each corner before jumping over the opposite wall.
While my comparison to Scary Movie is hyperbole, I’m unable to think of much else that’s chaotic and a parody of sorts and, more importantly, that I genuinely like. Nevertheless, this story feels like it weaves between energetic and dry too much. One feels more fast paced while the other feels slower. The end result is a story that feels like it’s two versions of the story meshed into one. Now, don’t get me wrong: this issue didn’t by any stretch of the imagination ruin the story for me. The reason for this is that the both “styles” (per-se) were done very well. However, those were contrasts in the narration I mentioned above did feel a bit awkward.
That said: I’ll freely admit that it may very well just be me.
The last thing I’ll mention is the story’s grammar. I noticed an error early on.
He always end up incredibly bored when Derpy was asleep.
That should be ended up incredibly bored when Derpy was asleep.
Beyond that, the story’s grammar was fine.
Overall, I enjoyed Odd Jobs. It’s harmless fun and I laughed a few times as both styles that it had in it were both handled fairly well. I recommend this story in spite of my questioning of it feeling like two stories in one. Besides, I feel that one should only take my word if you really think I’m as trustworthy as, say, Roger Ebert.
That said, I do think it couldn’t hurt to try and stick to one comedic style, Gravity. Don’t be afraid to disregard my advice if you feel that I’m wrong however. This is, after all, simply my observation.
Final Score: B+
Marching onward, the seventh story is ALREADY?? by Level Dasher. Fun fact: this story was originally intended to be riffed on my personal blog, but after asking Level on Discord, I reconsidered given my nature for being an extremely harsh riffer. So, even if I liked this story (which I absolutely did), I feel I would’ve likely gone far over the line of what would be considered “nice” or “acceptable” when it comes to riffing. I digress though, let’s move on!
With his molt over, Spike can finally join his airborne friends in the sky, and he’s a natural! All of his friends are absolutely ecstatic for him.
Well… maybe not all of them…
I’m beginning to think I’ll never find a long description that I don’t quite dislike, but dang it, I’ll one day find one. That said: this is good. I like it.
This story is short, coming in at 1,385 words. It also doesn’t feel that long, it feels more like Blink did. That said, this works to the story’s advantage immensely as it feels like an epilogue to the episode it’s based on that I’ve never seen as I haven’t watched the show since season 5.
As the long description states: one of Spike’s friends isn’t happy he’s flying. I won’t spoil it, but you can likely guess who given he’s flying. I digress, being a comedy, I didn’t exactly laugh, but I did crack a smile. It’s a charming enough story that it works for what it is. It’s fast pace and the style it’s written in are what make it work so well.
The interactions between the characters, particularly Rainbow and Spike, were fun. I kinda wish this story solely focused on them flying through the air bantering together. If anyone knows of a story with that premise, I’d love to read it.
My one grievance with a story, and this is strictly a personal thing, is that it’s a bandwagon story through and through. While not a bad thing given the story is solid, I’ll never quite like these stories. Alas, that’s fanfiction. Why am I even complaining?
Overall, this story is solid; it’s good. I liked it. There’s nothing else to it. It’s biggest downside is it isn’t, well, stupendously great. Though in hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t riff it. It wouldn’t have made for good riffing material.
Final Score: A
The eighth story for this blog is Old Friends by the old man himself: RBDash47.
She noticed the pony for the first time when she was young, not long after she'd received her cutie mark. He became her oldest friend.
The description also states to not read the comments because of spoilers. In spite of this, I managed to guess the ending based on a gut feeling. This didn’t affect my enjoyment of the story, I just wanted to brag.
Our story centers on a pony who talks to another pony who nobody else can see. It goes through various periods of time where she encounters this mysterious pony and their friendship. It plays out like a folk story of sorts and feels quite unique for a story here on FiMFiction. It’s pretty well paced, though at times I felt it dragged. This mostly happens around the middle and while it could just be me getting fanfic overload from having read so many stories, something about it feels sluggish.
I think this is most apparent with our main character asking various questions to the pony she keeps seeing. While it’s understandable as to why she asks the same question more than once, it also feels very wonky seeing it asked, the scene ends, then almost immediately she asks it again. This isn’t quite a knock against the story given how it plays out and the reason as to why this happens, but it still felt like it might’ve benefited from something else being put in to separate the “Who are you?” question.
I digress however. One thing the story does quite well is be subtle about the characters. I won’t say much, but good job RBDash for being talented enough to not make it blatantly obvious. I’ve seen many stories that try to play it subtle as to who characters are so there can be spectacular reveals by the end, but they fumble it like Tom Brady. And again, while I guessed who the characters were, there was still a nice sense of surprise by the end.
A somewhat odd flaw I found in this story is that, although it’s marked as a “Sad” story (along with being a Slice of Life one), I never felt sad. However, given that this story was posted in 2013 and there was no Drama tag back then (as far as I’m aware anyways), I don’t hold this against the tyrannical RBDash. Still, I feel this was worth mentioning.
Grammatically, the story is mostly fine. However, as of the time of this writing, there are spaced en dashes. Fix that, RBDash.
One little addendum is that there are two deleted scenes that serve as two small chapters. I really dislike both, but to each their own: they don’t affect this story’s overall score.
Overall: Old Friends is a wonderful and nice dramatic tale. I highly recommend it.
Final Score: A-
Our ninth story is The Mane Six Meet an Alicorn OC by BradyBunch, who dared me to find something wrong with this story. As such, I will find something wrong with it.
When a strange black and red alicorn appears in the Everfree Forest, Twilight and the others are sent to investigate.
Unfortunately, this visitor is an incomprehensible mess and quickly drives the girls insane.
I actually had an idea for a story like this over a year ago. Never got around to it. I’m glad someone did.
Our story here centers on the mane seven going to the Everfree Forest to help a red and black alicorn OC whose grammar is, well, on par with that of a real red and black alicorn OC in any story on FiMFiction. It’s 3,370 words of stupidity and every word is glorious. It’s an extremely well paced and funny as all hell story. That’s pretty much all there is to this story.
The character of Death Star is terrible in every way that it manages to loop around to being ingenious. He acts and feels like the real deal: edgier than a Linkin Park concert in a razor blade factory and having the likability of Dennis Rader. It’s top-tier alicorn OC writing at its finest.
Grammatically, the story is mostly fine (save for Death Star’s grammar, that edgelord). However, there was this:
“Who do you think you are, Death Star? I cannot allow you to express your “love” for my close friend until you see her for at least more than three seconds!”
The quotation marks for “love” should be simply apostrophes. So take that, BradyBunch, I found something wrong.
Overall: this story was funny, silly, and beautifully nonsensical. Not much else to say, though I admit that it at times was a bit too close to unironic red and black alicorn OC stories.
Final Score: A
The tenth story for this oversized review batch blog is The Sibling Situation by Samey90.
Normally, Dinky would be pretty happy to get a new sibling. However, everything has limits. Getting a new brother overnight? Possible. Getting new siblings everyday, some of them older than her? Something surely is going on…
This description is pretty amusing in of itself. Good job, Samey.
One Reading Later
The story itself is incredibly weird. It centers on Dinky Hooves waking up to find she has siblings despite having been an only child the previous day. I won’t spoil what happens because you need to read this story to believe it for yourself. Just know the ending scene is one of the most monumentally ridiculous things I’ve ever read and I think I’m going to have a headache for a week now. That said, the plot is fine.
This story is pretty well paced, though I can’t quite say anything really happens. In the way of events, Dinky wakes up, Dinky goes downstairs, insanity ensues. Then some other stuff happens that made my brain melt. Overall, it’s well paced.
The characterization is fine.
Grammatically, the story is mostly fine… save for this:
Ruby nodded.“Same happened to me.
Not the end of the sentence mind you, but there’s no space before the dialogue begins. Fix it!
This is less a review and more just how I overall felt. While I tend to look at stories from an objective lens—or as objective as I can—The Sibling Situation is incredibly difficult to do that to. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s one of the most nonsensical and ridiculous things I’ve ever read. While not a full blown crackfic—I think anyways—it sure plays out like it wants to be one.
So in other words: I recommend this story.
Final Score: B+
Moving on, our eleventh story is City of Monsters by Georg.
Dee was a very brave batpony who always obeyed her Mama, but every year during the full moon, when the leaves began to change and the cold winds blew, she felt the tug of a city far, far away, where the other children told of monsters who came out to play for one night. This year she is determined to travel all the way through the forest to the city and see with her own eyes just what is so special, no matter how dangerous the trip is, no matter how far she has to fly, or how frighteningly different the monsters are.
Or how similar.
This story sounds like a folk tale. Shock of all shocks, it reads like one too, but also like a textualized version of a film from Laika (the folks behind Coraline, Paranorman, The Boxtrolls, and Kubo and The Two Stings). While I can’t say I’ve seen a film by Laika, I will definitely say that this story bears a strange, albeit lite, feel that the former two have. It’s wickedly charming, enrapturing, and unbelievably fun.
The story’s centered on a batpony named Dee, who’s going out to the titular City of Monsters to explore it and to find food. It’s simplistic in its set up, but it plays around with the perspective of Dee. It took a bit, but I eventually got a feel for what the author was doing. It’s clever and really fun, and feels unlike any story I’ve read in my time on FiMFiction. I don’t doubt that other authors have likely done something similar, but this one is fairly exceptional in the way it does it. As stated before, it feels like something Laika would do.
At least, judging by what I’ve heard. Look, just run with it, I don’t know what other studio to use!
Coming in at 4,838 words, City of Monsters is of modest length for a one-shot (in my eyes anyways). In spite of this, the story is incredibly well paced—being one of the smoothest flowing stories I’ve read in a long time. I’ll actually say that I’m rather saddened it even ended at the point it did. It almost felt too short. I was getting rather invested in it.
It feels surreal that I’m praising this story so much. So lemme bash it.
Ahem. One massive grievance I have with the story is some of its wording choices early on. The best example is as follows:
Even more terrifying was the way a monster flew overhead,
This little moment stuck out like sore thumb and it stuck out even more as the story went on. I despise wording like this; this “now what was really scary in this moment that is totes scary!” nonsense. If you ask me personally, never ever ever use sentences like this. It’s cheap and it’s spineless. Word things to emphasize how terrifying something is. Don’t say what was even scarier than something that came before this super duper scary thing.
That grievance aside, City of Monsters is a fantastic story. Read it. Seriously. But finish reading this blog first, there’s one story left.
Final Score: A++
Our twelfth and final story for today is Flash Of Temptation by FourShadow.
Trixie loves Adagio, and Adagio loves her too. And Trixie knows Adagio can be quite the tease, but the minute Trixie starts checking her girlfriend out, a recollection and bad memory from the past returns…
Oh God, it’s a Romance story. I hate romance stories. Let’s dive in!
Actually, wait: it bears mentioning this is the third entry in a series of stories. However, the author informed me that the first two aren’t necessary to understand this story, and that the Trixie and Adagio in this story are alternate universe counterparts. So this means that I don’t have to deal with Trixie constantly referring to herself in the third person. Now, for the former: I’m trusting his word, but if I criticize something that’s established in a previous entry, blame him. Not me. I’m totes not at fault here.
Plot wise, this story centers on the relationship between Adagio and Trixie. Trixie is having some personal issues. This in turn leads to a bit of a saucy encounter in the locker room. There isn’t much more to the story than that, which for the most part works. There are plenty of tender, wholesome moments. That would lead to this story being really well handled given that those moments shine like the morning sun. What eclipses them however are the few saucier moments, which feel very out of place.
Now, I will admit: saucy moments aren’t my thing, especially given the real life issues I’ve been having. But, I can let that slide on by. As they are in the way of the story, they just don’t mesh well with the rest of the story. As a result, the story feels like it’s skirting with the idea of being a more erotic, sensual thematic tale. That, in of itself, isn’t bad, but when clashing with a more PG story, it makes it feel out of place.
Coming in at 3,107 words, Flash Of Temptation is briskly paced and flows nicely from one scene to another. I’ll give credit due where credit is due, that surprised me given many romance stories I’ve read are an unbearable drag and often feel like they take eons to end.
The characters of both Adagio and Trixie are well handled and their relationship feels genuine and adorable. Then again, had it not, this story wouldn’t work. Nonetheless, it feels necessary—especially since there are no other characters in this entire story.
The last major story-related thing I’ll mention is that the more dramatic moments in this story are surprisingly really good. There’s a moment where Trixie is telling Adagio about how other girls called her a pervert that had some decent emotional weight to it. It’s also easily the best part of the story. Kudos to the author.
Grammatically, the story is fine. It’s well structured and I didn’t see any grammatical errors. Good job, author!
Overall, Flash Of Temptation is tender, albeit uneven at times. The saucier parts function, but aren’t exactly my thing. Nonetheless, it’s competent enough that I can recommend it if it sounds like your thing.
Final Score: B-
That’s all for now. I once again apologize if I didn’t get to your story or one that you may have suggest. I wanted to clear up a few stories that had been waiting on my “To Be Reviewed” bookshelf for close to, if not over, a year now. Until next time, thanks for reading and keep writing.
Wow, may have took you all day, but these reviews... Damn worth it to look at.
(And before any of you say one review of a short story shouldn't take you so long, I beg to differ. They're actually harder than longer stories at times.)
You're flippin' awesome!
Good to see your reviews are back!
Fixed the 'end' error. Thanks for pointing that out!
Hope you'll review my other stories as well. Cheers!
5033765
One major factor was I had to divide my attention a few times. I also had to change a few stories and waited a bit after reading a few as I didn't want to immediately review a story that I felt needed a moment to settle in.
5033766 Thank you. You are too.
5033767 I will. I hope you continue to write. :)
Excuse you don't forge my signature in your review blog plzkthx
5033774
Put a hoof in your mouth, punk.
Wow, thanks for the good review! Glad you like something of mine for once 😉
While my other two fics you've reviewed have intended to be silly, this one was supposed to be somber and serious, a big contrast to my other stories. Most of your criticism can probably be explained by the fact the fic was written in 3 days as I sorta rushed to get it out on Veteran's/Armistice Day, and since it was 2018, it was the 100th anniversary of the end of the Great War/WW1. (I'm still proud and amazed I got it out in such a short time.)
The poem at the end is a very famous one from the Great War and where the fic got it's name. Hope that clears up some stuff for you.
Cool, thanks!
5033776
Do you think this is a fucking game
i.imgur.com/ST8HGz8.jpg
5033788
I figured it was for WWI and that the poem was connected to it. Thanks for the confirmation.
5033802
No problem! :)
5033803
Yes, I do. Why else would I be talking to a pony from TRON: Legacy? ;)
Well thanks! Nothing I wasn't already told in the story's comments, but you sum them up nicely.
5033822
Don't make me reconsider riffing it! ;)
Thank you very much for the review, and for the well-written feedback. I truly appreciate it, and I'm glad you liked the story overall! :)
-GMP
/and if you do decide to read the sequel, I hope you like that one as well.
Few things give me the satisfaction of finding that people who don't like Angel Bunny suddenly appreciate him a little more after reading Of Angels. It was an extremely personal story that I put a lot of work into. Always glad to see someone else discover it.
I dare say this is by far the better of the two stories of mine that have been recommended to you, even if the other one is far newer.
Thanks for the review
Also, if you think this ending was bizarre, you should see the sequel (it's slightly more serious. Slightly).