The Arcane Papers: Golems · 8:17pm Mar 23rd, 2019
Congratulations!
If you’re reading this, it means you have just purchased the Flim-Flam Golem Labor Force kit. Please remember that Flim-Flam Incorporated is not responsible for any actions your golem may undertake and that these instructions are under a curse that forces any legal council you show this to into a homicidal rampage*. So let’s get started!
*By reading this line you take full responsibility of the curse on this paper and therefore are responsible for any crimes committed by the lawyer in question.
The first step is to decide what kind of golem you want! The only limits are your imagination! Simply get a sheet of paper and write down what you want your golem to do. Of course, you should be wary, because if your imagination fails to account for something your golem could easily slip into a murderous frenzy. If you don’t want that kind of responsibility, then simply buy one of our pre-made instruction manuals. Each one is only five bits per page, and contain hundreds of pages of instructions that ensure that your golem won’t kill anyone!*
*It should be noted that because these instructions are perfect, Flim-Flam Incorporated is not responsible for any destruction and/or death caused by an improperly used golem.
Now that you’ve built or purchased your golem’s instructions, the next step is actually constructing your golem. Take out the enchanted quill and paper inclosed, and draw your perfect golem. Next, gather whatever material you want the golem to be made out of and encase the paper in it. Leave it outside overnight to soak in the magic of the moon, and in the morning you’ll have your very own golem!*
*If any damage to the paper is incurred, the spell will be broken. Flim-Flam Incorporated is not responsible for replacing malfunctioning golems.
Now, before you go off and have fun, there are a few things that you should know before you get too crazy!—If your golem achieves sapience, then you must let it go. This is non-negotiable. It doesn’t matter what your orders say, if you don’t let it go, it will go insane and kill you. To say nothing of the laws you will break, which Flim-Flam Industries follows to the letter.*
*Flim-Flam Industries is not responsible for the subjective nature of just which letter is the one they should be following.
—Making a golem out of anything that either is or used to be a person is not advised. Attempting to re-create deceased family members or beloved pets is especially ill-advised, as not only will they attempt to kill you, they’ll do it in some kind of convoluted and personal way that forces you to live out a lesson about letting go of the past. No one likes that.*
*If you want to hold onto the past, consider donating to the Flim-Flam time travel research fund! As soon as we invent time-travel, we’ll go back in time and give you a time machine free of charge!
—Do not allow your golem to kill anything. The presence of death affects the enchantments and will force it into a killing spree. No safeguards will prevent it from killing again after the first death. And of course, murder is terrible.*
*If you do find a way to control an assassin golem, please mail us a copy of your instruction manual in exchange for a free coupon! We’d like to make sure we never create something so marketable.
And remember: The most important thing is that there are no true limits! You can create whatever you want! The only limits are your imagination!*
*Flim-Flam Incorporated does not promise that those limits are safe.
There's something so cute about the idea that Equestria is a nigh utopian society that also has all this magic shit that can kill you.
5032005
Yeah, its one of my favorite thing to focus on. I think these two lines
Epitomize my approach with this story.
... How have the Flimflams not already died horribly in this universe? If not from malfunctioning merchandise, then from an angry mob of dissatisfied customers.