Shakes loses his sh!t at Build-A-Bear. · 3:48pm Feb 22nd, 2019
Show of hands, who here knows what Build-A-Bear is?
Who has seen one near where they live?
Have you ever been inside one?
Who has actually gotten something from there?
I can't stand Build-A-Bear!
BUT that isn't to say that I don't like the place. I love it! I love the idea of it!
I say, I can't stand it, in the sense that a diabetic can't stand chocolate cake. I can't go inside Build-a-Bear for very long because it gives me emotional diabetes.
Therefore I have never gotten anything from there.
Until yesterday.
Story Time
So yesterday I was out on a throuple date with my wife and our girlfriend. We went to a mall that had a Dave & Busters because we are all arcade fanatics. In this mall there was a Build-a-Bear. My wife and I have been together for almost 14 years. Since before I was a Brony. When MLP first came to Build-a-Bear, it was the first time I ever gave the place a second look. And since then I have personally seen available:
The Mane Six, Spike, The CMC, Celestia, Luna, Starlight Glimmer, Cadance, Shining Armor, Big Mac, Trixie, Sunset Shimmer, Derpy, Vinyl Scratch, Cheerielee, and Tempest Shadow.
I'm sure there were others, too.
But for some reason, and I genuinely don't know why, it was hard for me to look at them.
You see, the way the store works is you pick out an un-stuffed bear, and you stuff it right then and there in the store and it's this whole big activity for kids. Delightful.
But in the meantime, there is just rows of bins of un-stuffed bears and other animals. And ponies.
And for some reason, I can't stand the sight of it. I've seen people die right in front me, legs mangled by IEDs, with their insides on the outside and it never really bothered me. But to see all the pony plushies without their stuffing really really bothers me. For me, there's just- a wrongness about it that is hard to describe. Bins of My Little Pony skins staring up at you with their shapeless faces.
It feels like being in an animal rescue shelter. And you find out that tomorrow all the animals are going to be euthanized except for the ones that get adopted today. And you're the only one there, and there are so many animals. Far more than you could ever rescue. You know you have to try to at least save one of them. But how do you choose? How do you live with knowing about the ones you didn't choose? How do you sleep?
Yeah. That's where my head goes.
ANYWAYS, my wife knows this about me, so she never asks me to go into B-a-B.
Our girlfriend did not know this.
And she insisted that we go in and get one together.
In my life, I've been shot, stabbed, gassed, mortared, hit by a car, and nearly strangled to death.
I figured, okay, I can handle this. I took a deep breath. I can handle this.
Oh, how wrong I was.
She takes me by the hand and leads me inside. It's February vacation and there were several kids in the mall. One was there with his parents and he was just finishing up his project while his folks paid at the register. And then they were on their way out with a fully-stuffed, normal bear. I kept my eyes away from the perimeter of the store, where all the bins were. I knew there were still some ponies there. I just keep my eyes down at my feet, thinking about manly stuff like hot rods and bacon and explosions and stuff.
Thankfully, my girlfriend makes a bee line for a display in the middle of the store, away from the perimeter. I figure she just wanted to get a regular plain old bear for herself. Okay. Cool. Easy in and out. As long as it isn't something as cute as pony.
But oh, no. It was worse. Much worse. The only thing cuter than pony.
She knew that I had been on a bit of a Pokemon streak ever since Let's Go came out. She grabs an Eevee. But it's not for her. Oh no, my dear readers.
"It's for you!"
Oh god.
She puts this poor, pitiful husk of an Eevee in my hands. I can tell by the pattern on the tail that it's a female. I can feel my throat closing up. The lady who works there walks over and looks me right in the face, and asks.
"Would you like to adopt this Eevee?"
Oh god.
I try to say something. But I can't even talk at that moment. So my response just kind of come out as a sort of squeak. I clear my throat like a manly man and give a firm nod.
Oh, my friends, there was a whole process.
First you get a voice box. You scan the tag on the Eevee body, and it loads the voice box with a custom sound. The clerk tests it.
"Eevee!"
Oh god.
She puts it inside the Eevee, down in one of her paws. Then it was over to the unnecessarily large and elaborate stuffing machine. The feeding pipe goes into the Eevee to load the stuffing.
"Do you want to push the pedal?" the clerk asks.
Please don't make me.
"Of course he does!" my girlfriend says.
You sadist.
I push the pedal, and the clerk makes sure to fill out every part of the body with a nice, even amount for 'perfect hug-ability'. Then it was time to sew her shut. But wait. Oh no. There was more. There was a small bin full of small, plush hearts.
"You have to put a heart inside," she says.
Oh god.
Oh Fuck!
This just got real.
Nobody told me about this! Nobody fucking told me about this! I am just barely keeping it together. My hand was shaking worse than my lips. My face feels hot. I'm blinking non-stop. It's all I can do to keep back the tears. I must have looked like I had just eaten a Ghost Pepper.
"Get a rainbow heart!" my girlfriend says. I get a rainbow one and go to put it into Eevee's chest as fast as possible.
"You have to make a wish," the clerk says. Closing my eyes doesn't help as I silently make a wish for my Eevee. I put the heart inside and she sews her shut.
My girlfriend grabs a pair of pajamas for Eevee. When she's finished sewing, she hands her to me. My girlfriend helps me dress Eevee in her pajamas and we give her back to the clerk to ring out. There's an option to print out a 'birth certificate' for your bear, but I was just like, "NOPE". I was ready to GTFO of there just as soon as I could before a grown-ass man completely broke down in the middle of a goddamn Build-a-Bear.
I pay and go to grab Eevee. My girlfriend grabs her first. Fine. She can carry it. We almost make it out of the store. She puts it right in my face and squeezes the paw.
"Eevee! EEEEevee!"
That's it. The dam breaks. I'm not crying. But my eyes were just leaking from my stoic face, and I couldn't stop it.
"Are you okay?" she asks.
"It's allergies," I lie. My wife smirks and she leans in to tease me.
"Are you allergic to LOVE?"
"SHUT UP!"
I fucking can't stand Build-a-Bear!
Solid 0/10
I'd rather be shot again.
...
And I love my Eevee.
God build-a-bear, havn't heard that name in years.... Nice Eevee tho.... Totaly not jealous.
Oh god I want one. Why did you write this. Fuck
Could we get a blog post about cats then dogs?
Reading this while the theme for The Twilight Zone is blasting in my head, just made it worse. Never again.
I used to have a build-a-bear at the mall near where I live. It closed down back when I was in elementary school, and since then has passed through the hands of everyone from a prescription sunglasses shop to religious figurines.
The place just seems to be cursed to oust anyone who takes up the former location of that build-a-bear.
OMG! You got Poke-Ball PJs for your Eevie!!
😍 Anyways, while I have never been in an actual B-A-B, I however do own a plain bear (He was a graduation gift from my uncle I got in 2017) from a online order. Yes you can purchase fully stuffed/clothed bears online. Just like what you linked to. Anyhow, my younger cousin went to a B-A-B for her 8th birthday (mind you this was almost 15 years ago) and she told me it was awfully crowded and the empty, souless bears looked horrifyingly creepy. That’s insentive enough for me to NOT wanna go.
I never knew you were in the military so learning your been through some life fretering shit just makes you more of a badass in my eyes. But yeah, BAB is a land only the bravest venture.
LOL, and I wish I could go there...
Lol, daw
Wow. I didn't know you were former military. Major respect, sir.
Somehow I get the feeling that either your girlfriend or the employee was trolling you. That, or you just had the worst luck ever.
Wow. Glad you made it out alive.
>has an S.O.
>also has a girlfriend
i have a twilight and got a fluttershy for my bigger sister in London back in 2016 i think XD
No offense but You acted like you’ve never seen a deflated tire or sports ball before. And if you were in the military having a to fix/replace/drive on a deflated tire in an active batle zone is much more nerve wracking than a stuffed animal.
5018241
Hey, you're not wrong. That's what makes it so weird that it bothers me, and I damn well know it. But if I said I cried at a funeral, that wouldn't be strange or worth blogging about, though.
As I said, it's hard to explain. I'm not proud of it.
5018221
Yeah. You nailed it.
5018224
Yeah. Never again. Fuck that with fries!
5018250
Only return with a pimp of gasoline and a match. Destroy it so it may never hurt another soul
5018237
We are a throuple. A three-way polyamorous relationship. I'm not bragging, nor is it meant to be anything glamorous. It's challenging, and it's definitely not for everyone.
5018202
Your anguish sustains me.
5018258
This is Shake's true purpose. To inflict pain upon me.
I suppose I'm not surprised.
...
Goddammit, now I'm imagining Fluttershy going to BAB....
I remember when I was a kid at my cousin's wedding, and I nearly cried at the reception when they did that thing where the groom dives under the bride's dress and grabs their garters. Hell, I did cry. The brain and heart are curious things and the weirdest shit can set us off, get through the cracks in the armor that we build up over years.
5018273
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5018249
I’m sure I did. Which is why I’m thankful that my Grady came pre-stuffed and with a shirt (it read “#1 Grad 2017).
Normally, if you were one of my friends I'd say something stupid like "drink water and drive on",but I actually feel your pain. The best way I can describe it is taxidermy for kids, and that is all sorts of wrong but that's just me.
Emotions run deep with this one. I hope you do not dislike her after your day?
5018300
Hey bby, I had a wonderful day. I love my Eevee.
5018297
Fuck'n A
A poor little Mexican coast town like mine couldn’t possibly have a B-A-B
)
(And I’m actually surprised, since it isn’t even that poor or little...just one of the most important travel destinations in the country
But I had a friend who lived in Mexico City, and she had gone to B-A-B a couple times. I always wanted one as a kid, but after reading this I’m starting to think that the whole process is a bit creepy.... That Eevee is really cute, though
Fuck. That bit about the animal shelters opened my eyes, man.
Now I have to get every single one of them.
What's a SO?
5018318
Significant Otter.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/02/Sea_Otter_%28Enhydra_lutris%29_%2825169790524%29_crop.jpg
(Significant Other)
May I recommend a flamethrower?
so wait you have a significant other and a girlfriend and your S.O. and girlfriend are also in a relation ship with each other if i understand? if so its cool that you've found people comfortable with a poly relationship as the more the merrier.
also that evee looks cute as hell and i never really considered how horrifying Build a Bear is out of context.
5018365
Yes. I'm a straight male in a relationship with two bisexual females. My SO and I have been together for 14 years, and I have always embraced her sexuality. So I've never had a problem with her having a girlfriend on the side. I have a very high sex drive and she appreciates the assist of another girl helping out with that. Again, I am not out to brag, but I am literally too much man for one woman to take.
It's extremely cool. Although while the saying goes "The more, the merrier,"
people often forget the second part to that saying, "The fewer, the better fare."
So I'd have to disagree on that point. The three of us is plenty for all concerned.
Remember kids, "Too many waifus will screw up your life-fu."
5018383
fair enough
also i didnt know there was a second part to that so thanks.
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5018391
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Still hope they'll do another run of Sunset, Starlight and the Crusaders before the hype ends, since I unfortunately missed out on them for various reasons...
I wish they would make Octavia. My Vinyl Scratch is very lonely.
5018432
Ebay
5018281
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This post, sir, was Aragon-level self-humiliation. Congratulations and condolences.
5018297 It's not like taxidermy! It's like building your own cute, cuddly pal, if you're Victor Frankenstein.
5018253
>responsible for some of the greatest works in English literature
>has been dead longer than my country has existed
>still manages to expand the English language whilst juggling a three way relationship
Damn overachiever.
5018633
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5018586
Thank you...?
5018567
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also
> Fred's complete lack of trigger discipline
5018723
fucking can't top that, damn
you are victorious in this meme tet-a-tet, it seems
5018733
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I went there once and made a bear.
best campfire I ever lit