The Tale of the Glorious Angel Food Cake

Hi, everybody! I'd like to share with everyone this story I picked up from... somewhere. I'm sure I stole it from somewhere, but the origin is lost to time, now. Anywho, I've tried to tell this story dozens of times, and it never fails to... completely baffle everyone who's heard it. I, personally, think it's hilarious, but I don't think most people get it. It's sort of a Shaggy Dog Story, but I'll tell you now, the punchline isn't a pun or anything like that. It requires some foresight and more than a little schadenfreude on your part. Anywho, I won't beat around the bush any longer. This is "The Glorious Angel Food Cake."

Once upon a time, there was this young woman named Melanie, who was very scatter-brained. She was the millenial type, you know? Always putting things off, waiting until the last minute to do them. She'd made a bit of a name for herself by this point, now infamous for turning in half-finished projects and not quite meeting her deadlines. So when her church's women's group decided to do a bake sale, the leader of the group told her, "I expect you to make a cake for us. And don't put it off until the last minute!"

"Understood, ma'am!" she replied. But of course, as soon as she got home, she got onto YouTube, and checked her Twitter, and by the time the day of the bake sale rolled around, she realized she had absolutely nothing to show for it. In a panic, she raced around her kitchen, flipping through her recipes to see what she could get done in time.

There! An angel food cake recipe. It only took a couple hours to prepare and bake; she could have it ready by the bake sale. She threw together the ingredients, tossed it into the oven, and congratulated herself on a job well done.

...Until she heard a soft "pomf" in the oven. She raced over and opened the door, to discover in horror that her angel food cake had collapsed in on itself. It was completely useless in its present state. She looked at the clock; the bake sale was in half an hour. She didn't have nearly enough time to make a new one.

In desperation, she came up with a quick fix: if she propped up the inside with something, she could make it appear like a regular cake, if only to make it look like she'd made it in time. She ran into the bathroom and grabbed a roll of toilet paper, then pushed it into the underside of the cake. Once glazed and propped up with some toothpicks, it... didn't look half bad, actually. Nobody would possibly know what had happened.

Now all she had to do was make it to the bake sale. She drove carefully over, then displayed it for the group leader's approval. She looked over it doubtfully. "Hmm..." Then she smiled. "Good job, Melanie. It looks delicious."

"Thank you, ma'am!" She placed it with the rest of the desserts, then began the next step in her plan. She couldn't possibly sell her angel food cake to somebody--that wouldn't be right--so she'd just have to stall for time. Anybody who came by looking to purchase it, she'd have to shoo away with some excuse. "I'm sorry, this one is already claimed." "Wouldn't you rather have Mrs. Jones' Oreo cake?" "I'd love to sell you this cake, but, ooh, see right here? It looks kinda crumbly, probably don't want this one."

Now, this was all well and good... until nature called. She needed to use the bathroom, but she couldn't leave her cake out for someone to purchase it. So she took a piece of masking tape, wrote "NOT FOR SALE" in Sharpie, then taped it to the cling wrap on the outside of the cake. Then she ran off to the bathroom as quick as she could.

By the time she came back, however, the cake was gone! She looked everywhere for it: under the table, on the other sections of the stand, even back in her car, in case she was going crazy. She asked the other ladies at the bake sale, "Do you know who bought my angel food cake?" but nobody could remember. She felt so horribly ashamed, but she didn't know what to do. She'd just have to wait until someone came back complaining, and she'd get the full brunt of their ire.

But the bake sale came and went, and nothing happened. She didn't hear anything, one way or another, for several days. By the end of the night, Melanie was sure her little caper with the angel food cake had come and gone, and she'd made it out scot free. That is, until that Saturday, on the night of Annie Brighthall's dinner party. She said hello to Annie, made her introductions, then, when she made it to the dining room, she saw her angel food cake sitting in the center of the table! It was a disaster on top of a disaster. If they cut into the cake, here in front of everybody, and saw it was just a shell propped up with toilet paper and toothpicks, the dinner party would be ruined, Annie would be upset, and she might even remember it was Melanie who had brought the cake in.

There was just one option, then: she'd have to steal the cake before they cut into it. Unfortunately, since it was right there in the middle of the table, it was pretty conspicuous. Melanie just couldn't find an opening. After a half-hour of Melanie scheming and failing to abscond with the cake, Annie Brighthall called everyone together to get ready to eat.

Melanie sat, a bundle of nerves, as everyone filed in. Everyone was looking at the angel food cake with hungry, envious eyes. Once they were all seated, one lady leaned forward and remarked, "Why, Annie, that is a glorious angel food cake!"

And to Melanie's shock and joy, Annie replied, "Why, thank you. I baked it myself."

...Get it? Because she... and she... so it's... ah, nevermind. It really isn't that funny, now that I write it out.