Please make me regret this

Update, Mar. 20: Wow I’m slow! Alas. Still enjoying working on these though!

Queue status:

1. FoME: "Limestone's talent is actually making margaritas. (That's not actually limestone in her cutie mark; it's salt.)" -- DONE!
2. Super Trampoline: "Twilight finds her insurance rates have gone up after the Tirek incident" -- DONE!
3. AandWguy + Darkstarling: "Anything with Flash and Limestone again." + "Human Flash rocks out to Queen." -- DONE!
4. Darkstarling + Moosetasm: "Pinkie and Trixie bond over pyrotechnics." + "Madame Le Flour suspects that Fernando has been cheating on her with *GASP* Sir Lintsalot." -- DONE!
5. SIGAWESOME: "Rumble and Thunderlane get up early for a trip one Saturday morning; it is Rumble's first time going high-altitude cloud fishing" -- DONE!
6. CategoricalGrant: "Princess Celestia wakes up one morning to find that she's invisible and unhearable to everypony except Luna." -- tbd

7. Georg:

   Twilight Sparkle gets the library mail one day to discover that a trashy magazine has run an article: "Hottest Princess Flanks In Equestria"

   She agrees with the first one listed. Has some minor qualms about the second. Really can't fault putting the third one where it fell... And she's not listed. Anywhere.

   "I have flanks! Right here! Spike, aren't these flanks?"

   -- tbd

---

~Original post follows~

---

I’m feeling S P I C Y today (as CategoricalGrant might put it). So hey, request me a quick commentfic and I’ll try to accommodate it.

Rules/guidelines? These are gonna be real short and written as I get time; please calibrate expectations accordingly. Also please keep it E or T, with preferably no/minimal shipping (though I’ll make some exceptions here, especially if I’ve shipped it before).

Onward!

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Limestone's talent is actually making margaritas. (That's not actually limestone in her cutie mark; it's salt.) Take this in whatever direction you please.

[Super Trampoline]

Twilight finds her insurance rates have gone up after the Tirek incident

[KingJoltik]

Anything with Flash and Limestone again.

[CoffeeMinion]

5014518
5014501
5014546
These are fantastic and I'm working on them. Though my afternoon may be taking a left turn on me. As I said, calibrate expectations accordingly.

[Darkstarling]

Human Flash rocks out to Queen.

Pinkie and Trixie bond over pyrotechnics.

[Moosetasm]

Madame Le Flour suspects that Fernando has been cheating on her with *GASP* Sir Lintsalot.

[SIGAWESOME]

Rumble and Thunderlane get up early for a trip one Saturday morning; it is Rumble's first time going high-altitude cloud fishing

[CoffeeMinion]

5014501
So, um, this was a brilliant bit of headcanon on your part, and it turned into basically a full-length short on my part. It’s rough and raw but there’s pretty clearly a story here.

Peace Through Superior Pie-er-Power

Igneous hugged his four young daughters closer as the family hunkered down behind their overturned couch. He tried not to shake as the fillies were doing. Three of them bore tiny, scrunched-up muzzles that were contrasted by huge, fear-filled eyes—at least when they dared open them. The face of his oldest, Limestone, was… different somehow. Her jaw seemed to be set in determination, perhaps anger. A fire burned in her yellow eyes—

His contemplation of them was cut off when another salvo of stones came raining in through the remains of the window behind them, spraying broken glass and splintered wood throughout the deteriorating living room.

“Gonna give us dis land, or we gonna take it!” came a throaty bellow from outside.

“Verily, ’t’was not what I meant by mine vision that the day would be momentous,” shouted his wife Cloudy Quartz, who huddled beside them.

Igneous failed to resist cracking a small, bitter smile. “I believe thee, my jewel. I ought not have tolerated the Diamond Dogs encroaching on the southern field as I did. Had I known—”

“Ye could not have,” Cloudy said, resting a firm hoof on his shoulder. “Thy Generosity and Kindness art a fitting testament to thine dedication to Harmony. But now we must needs pray that Harmony shall send us deliverance from those who would abuse it.”

“We should fight them,” Limestone spoke with a deep intensity that seemed out-of-place with her diminutive frame.

Both Igneous and Cloudy turned their eyes on her. She met each of their gazes in turn before baring her teeth. “Come on, Dad; surely there’s something in here that we can use to fight back!”

“Nay, daughter,” Cloudy said. “The Way of Harmony is not one of violence—”

Another hail of stones punched holes through the wall. The couch shuddered from a hard impact. Marble gave a suppressed scream.

“Tell that to the Dogs, Mom. Though we’re not exactly gonna be able to ask them to accept Harmony into their hearts if we’re dead, are we?”

Cloudy sucked a sharp breath. “Limestone, mind thy tongue! ’Tis a time when we should come together as one, not descend into rebelliousness!”

“Must be something we can use,” Limestone grumbled. “Dogs’ve thrown in plenty of stones, anyway.”

One of the other fillies pressed against Igneous’ barrel cleared her throat before speaking in a high but flat-toned voice: “Technically we do have access to explosives.”

As one, five sets of eyes swiveled to regard the brow-furrowed expression on Maud’s face. She blinked, and looked at each of them in turn with somewhat more than her usual level of emotiveness. “I just mean… we do.”

“N… no, daughter,” Igneous said slowly. “The blasting supplies are out in the shed. But even if we did have them, thy mother is right: we ought not return violence for violence.”

“I didn’t mean the things in the shed. I meant the bottle you—Dad—keep at the back of the highest cabinet on the left in the kitchen, and the bottle that you—Mom—keep underneath your knitting pile in the spare bedroom.”

Igneous’ eyes went wide. He turned to see Cloudy fixing him with an aghast expression. “Igneous!” she hissed. “Art thou… intemperate?!”

“Art thou?!” he spluttered, before turning his gaze back down on Maud. “Thou hast been snooping where thou ought not, daughter.”

Maud cleared her throat again. “I’m just saying, they’re both flammable. We could fashion a pair of Molotrot Cocktails out of them.”

“N—Neigh,” Cloudy uttered, before slumping and looking at the floor with an almost defeated expression. “’T’was only an occasional nip to keep away the cold, ye understand.”

“Aye,” Igneous said, slumping next to her. “It does get cold out there working the stones.”

Yet another fusillade of stones thudded into the house—this one toppling a table lamp and shattering a framed picture hung on the far wall.

“You know what… it does. And if that’s how you grownups actually cope with that, no matter what you say about it…” Limestone shifted herself out of Igneous’ grasp and took off galloping for the hallway.

“Daughter, no!” Cloudy shouted, reaching futilely towards her. “Igneous… thou must keep her from doing unimaginable evil!”

“Verily I shall. Mind the others…”

He popped up, glanced out the living room window—

“RUN!” he bellowed, for a dozen of the gangly grey dogs were closing quickly on the shattered window. Each bore cruel grins on their animalistic faces, and large, heavy-looking rocks in their upraised paws. Igneous ducked back down and gripped the underside of the couch in his hooves, raising it and using it to charge toward the window, even as Cloudy began pulling the panicking fillies toward the hall. He hoped—prayed—that the couch would be just big enough to block the window—

He slammed the couch into the window frame with a teeth-chattering impact. Part of the wall gave way around it, and the couch held fast. Igneous took a long breath to steady his juddering heartbeat… and then the stones began to hammer against the couch once more.

“Igneous!” Cloudy screamed.

Fueled by adrenaline, Igneous bolted out of the living room, down the hall, around the corner to the kitchen.

He stopped short at the sight of a knife flashing in the light.

Limestone held it.

Brought it down.

Made a cut.

A trail of liquid went flying in its wake.

It hit Igneous.

He squinted.

It burned.

He wiped at his eyes, and smelled that the clear liquid that came away upon his hoof had a fresh and citrusy aroma. With mute uncertainty, he turned his eyes upon his family. They in turn were watching Limestone’s hooves moving so fast that they were almost a blur, mixing and pouring out liquids into a series of stone cups on the counter, all of which had some kind of crystal smeared around their rims, as well as slices of lime stuck upon them.

“Such intensity,” Igneous breathed. “She’s… no… no, Limestone, thou must not make… explosives?”

“Don’t have time, Dad,” Limestone said through gritted teeth.

Igneous met Cloudy’s eyes, and noticed that she was rubbing one of her forehooves. “Verily, I tried to stop her—”

A sound of tromping and heavy growls came from the hall.

“There’s no TIME!” Limestone shouted.

Igneous strode toward her. “I shall not have thee use a homemade explosive on these intruders, no matter how dire—”

She roared at him, and pressed one of the cups into his face. He backpedaled, fumbling it, pulse racing with primal terror at juggling a live explosive. His rump hit the floor, and he shouted in wordless horror as he saw the gangly forms of Diamond Dogs pushing into the kitchen, as well as Limestone rushing toward them with her homemade concoctions.

The cup he was holding splashed into his open mouth.

His eyes went wide.

He coughed and spluttered, for much of it hit the back of his unprepared throat in a great rush. But even so, his sense of taste lit up with a delectable mixture of citrus, sweetness, and the cold, hard undercurrent of his favored… ah, ward against the cold.

Half-dazed from both the impact and the heavy dose of alcohol he’d just imbibed, Igneous watched as if in a dream as the Diamond Dogs all sniffed and sipped at the cups that Limestone had pressed into their paws. Eventually they all drank deep.

The rocks fell from their paws.

One giggled.

A pair of them raised cups, clinked them, then downed the contents quickly, and cheered.

Igneous’ dazed eyes rotated to meet Cloudy’s. She returned a look of pure confusion, before Limestone approached and offered her a cup.

She raised it, took a sniff, and her eyes widened.

Then she took a sip.

A beatific smile crossed her muzzle—before she caught sight of Igneous again, cleared her throat, and set the cup down.

“We trade,” a large and heavy form said from above Igneous.

He focused his attention on a grizzled, muscular Diamond Dog standing uncomfortably close to him. The Dog’s yellow eyes flicked furtively from Igneous, to the table where the drinks had been prepared, to the small grey filly who had prepared them. She—Limestone—returned a triumphant-looking grin.

Then her eyes went wide, twin flashes of light shone from her flanks, and she turned to regard the fresh new lime-and-rock-salt cutie mark that suddenly adorned them.

“A momentous day,” Cloudy breathed just loud enough for Igneous to hear her.

“Pony!” shouted the Dog, drawing Igneous’ attention again. “We trade. Dogs have many good rocks. Dogs find many useful things. You give tools, and clothes, and tiny pony drink. Yes?”

Igneous blinked. On the one hoof, there were implications to his daughter gaining a cutie mark in practices that went against the adherence to Harmony’s Way that was followed by the family. Cloudy in particular seemed… unlikely to bear it well, over the long haul.

Though on the other hoof, it turned out she wasn’t above a nip every once in a while herself, however inconsistent it might be. Perhaps it was a blessing that they’d learned about each other’s inconsistencies, and that they weren’t incompatible.

It might even be enjoyable to be a bit inconsistent together…

But all such thoughts exited Igneous’ head as the huge Dog above him extended a paw downward. “Trade,” it said insistently. “We trade, yes?”

Igneous watched as the other dogs began dispersing—filing down the hall, and even straightening some of the hung pictures as they went. And as he turned his eyes back toward Limestone, his heart was warmed by the sight and sound of rare laughter from his prickly eldest.

“Y—Yes,” Igneous said, raising his hoof and shaking the big Dog’s paw.

[FanOfMostEverything]

5014733
Everything went better than expected. I especially love how the sisters are now evenly split between rock ponies and party ponies. Limestone just caters to a different age bracket. (Heck, it even explains why she's so defensive about the farm, and especially Holder's Boulder. She has a lot of pent-up insecurity over whether or not she really belongs there, and she takes it out on everyone else.)

[Just_Me123]

5014733
Lol, seems you can't resist doing stories even in your replies. What's more, it even fits in a random sort of way. Hmm, bartender Limestone might make for an interesting plot some day.

[CategoricalGrant]

Tfw I just find this and you’ve already closed it

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[Darkstarling]

5014733
That's AWESOME!

Hehehehe. Mutual hypocrisy is at least a kind it's hard to judge the other person for.

Pony drinks for Diamond Dogs... Dogs have learned something!

Maud brings up the explosives. Of course she does. It's perfect. It's not until years later, of course, that she'd be up to just digging the whole family out.

And apparently the Pinkie Sense came in from the mother's side.

I remember a story (from Jinglemas) of Berry Punch having this whole Ultimate Bartender thing going on. Maybe in this headcanon She and Limestone meet at some point.

I suspect that Harmony is actually fine with pleasant drinks with friends, whatever the pies may think.

[CoffeeMinion]

5015022
(It’s okay go ahead but don’t tell anyone)

[SIGAWESOME]

That was a fun little ficlet...

Maybe Limestone should partner with Mafia Octavia and open a speak-easy in Manehatten?

[CoffeeMinion]

5014518
So uh, this one turned out to be even longer than the last one. God help me.

I’m gonna have to clean these all up and post them independently when I get ‘em done. Feedback in the meanwhile is more than welcome!

Twilight Saves 15% Or More On Her Insurance

Standard Deduction blinked his ice-blue eyes and tried to process what his short but fiery red-coated boss had just told him. A few moments of beetling confusion later, he settled for blurting: “My next client is who?!”

His boss pushed her spectacles higher on her muzzle. “Come on, Standy; I know you might have some conflicting feelings about the Princess, but you’re the best we’ve got at sorting out complex messes, and hers is a doozy.”

“Conflicting feelings” wasn’t quite how Standard Deduction would’ve expressed it—especially not after flicking a quick glance at the large framed poster on his cubicle wall that showed Princess Twilight Sparkle lounging languidly upon a veritable ocean of books. A knowing smile played across her muzzle, while the word “READ” adorned the bottom third of the image.  A friend had given it to him last Hearth’s Warming after he’d spilled a bit much about his fondness for the Princess over pints. Supposedly it was a genuine ex-library print… but the rising heat in Standard’s cheeks left him with fresh thoughts that it might’ve been a custom commission.

I owe that lad another pint, to be sure…

A loud slapping sound rattled Standard out of his reverie.  He looked down on his desk and noted the hoof-thick folder that his boss had just deposited with her amber-colored magic. Even looking at the name typed in thick monospace letters at the top of the folder made his pulse quicken.

“Okay. All right. I’d be happy to meet with her, I guess. When’s she coming?”

“Hm? Oh, she’s already out in the waiting room. Gross Dividend was supposed to be helping with walk-ins today, but he took one look at her file and ‘called’ in sick right to my face.”

Standard’s eyes went wide. “P-P-P-Princess Twilight is here? Now?!”

There was a gentle knock on the metal frame at the edge of Standard’s cubicle. And around it stepped a vision in lavender whose radiant eyes made Standard’s blood alternately freeze and explode with fiery fervor, depending on which end of his barrel was being considered. His eyes were drawn to her star-marked flank like paperclips to a magnet, and he tried very, very, VERY hard to keep his wings plastered to the sides of his deep-blue-colored body as he watched her sashay over and plop down on the armchair opposite his desk.

Standard was brought back to reality by his boss using he magic to raise his lower jaw back up into a closed position.

“So anyway, Princess, like I was saying: Standard Deduction here is one of Financial Pro Plus’s most experienced agents. He specializes in tax work, but he can offer a full gamut of services. I’m sure he’ll be able to get you into the right kind of policy!”

“Good to meet you,” Princess Twilight said to him.

Sweat bloomed on Standard’s brow. He reached a trembling hoof down to pick up a pen and managed to hoofwrite the name “Twilight Sparkle” at the top of a Prospective Insured form in barely-legible script. He glanced up, met her eyes—and nearly had a heart attack as he realized that the harsh fluorescent light of his cubicle did little to diminish his client’s absolutely radiant beauty. The flowing liveliness of her purple and lavender mane all but begged to be touched. The softness of her smile gave him goosebumps.

He glanced down, and his eyes went wide at the faux pas that he’d already committed. He hastily scratched out her name, starting again with “Princess Sparkle” in the space below the line. Technically it’d be against policy to write outside the intended field on the form, but he—

A demure clearing of a throat brought his gaze up off the paper. “It’s all right, please go ahead and use my full name. It isn’t ‘Princess,’ of course.” His client spoke in a melodious, if slightly peevish voice, which made Standard Deduction’s imagination catch fire with visions of taking a long walk on the beach before a long, sweaty, passionate night of preparing their quarterly taxes together—and filing jointly.

She giggled. “Um, you’ve got a, ah.” She giggled again.

Standard Deduction’s gaze flicked from one side of his body to the other, and he issued a choking gurgle as he realized his wings were not cooperating! He batted at the left one with his right hoof, inadvertently jabbing it with his pen in the process. A none-too-muffled curse escaped his lips, both from the pain and the embarrassment of having a torrent of rich black ink come gushing out over his feathers. He tried to swipe at the wing with his other hoof, but the angle made it difficult, and he ended up shoving the wing up into his red-colored mane.

“My goodness, are you all right?!”

“YES!” he blurted, looking up at her from the growing stickiness about his person. “Yes. I’m sorry, miss—ah, P-Princess Sparkle.”

“It’s Twilight, please,” she reiterated, nevertheless managing a warmth and friendliness in her tone that threatened to send his pulse running for the hills. “Listen, mister—” she glanced down, double-checking his name placard “—Standard Deduction. I appreciate that you’re taking the time to help me here. I’m afraid I’ve had a real Tartarus of a time trying to get my insurance situation straightened out since everything happened last month.”

“Your… oh!  Of course, your file.” Standard flipped it open with his least-ink-stained appendage, which seemed to be his right wing. He scanned the summary page that had been typed by somepony in underwriting, and blinked twice at the bold red words that emblazoned the final line:

EXCESSIVE CLAIMS HISTORY — SUPER-NON-PREFERRED — SEE INSURANCE COMMISSIONER’S NOTE ON PAGE 432b

“Oh,” he all but whispered.

“Right,” she said, smiling nervously but with such allure that Standard could feel his attention becoming more rapt by the second. “I mean, I know I’ve had my share of property, medical, and general liability claims since I moved to Ponyville… and several before I moved here… but having Tirek destroy Golden Oaks library was the first time I’ve actually had to claim a total loss on any of my policies. And I mean, that’s just renter’s, right? Pffft, stuff’s like… a couple dozen bits per year?”

Standard’s eyes drifted back down to the file. He used his primaries to quickly flip through the claims section, and spotted highlights about everything from monster attacks to chemistry accidents. As promised, the very last page showed a claim on a renter’s policy that had been terminated following the property’s explosion.

He looked back up at Princess Twilight, saw the hope in her bright, amazing eyes… and felt his chest tighten with the awful realization that he was going to have to give her bad news. He’d have to turn down whatever she was coming in for today. Though actually, he wasn’t sure why she’d come. He decided to rectify that, but, “So… uh…?” were the only words that managed to escape his lips.

“Oh, of course! How silly of me.” She giggled, and a fresh wave of heat washed over Standard. “I’m sure you’ll want to see the deed.”

Standard blinked. Hard.  “The… deed?”

“To my new Friendship Castle!” She lit her horn, and a long piece of crisp parchment popped into existence on his desk. “I’m a homeowner now. Well, technically a castle-owner. But I live there too, and it occupies land that was already zoned as residential, so I think it qualifies as a primary residence for both tax and insurance purposes.”

“...ohh… oh.  Yes. Um.” He fought to dispel the resurfacing mental images of long nights getting hot and heavy with her on a tax conversion table. Instead, he scanned the deed, noted the property’s dimensions, and did a quick mental calculation of how many millions of bits of insurance she’d have to buy to keep the place properly insured. Then, factor in the multiplier that the Super-Non-Preferred rating would impose on anything she tried to buy…

He swallowed.  “T-Twi… er, Princess… um.”

A tentative smile stole across her features, and took his heart with them. “Do you think you can help me?”

The heat that had already bloomed in Standard’s chest and cheeks grew even hotter. He knew it’d be professional suicide to write her any kind of policy at all, much less one she’d be willing—or able—to pay for. It was the worst thing imaginable to finally meet Princess Twilight, make an utter fool of himself with the ink pen and his inability to get a full, coherent sentence out—and then to leave her uninsured on top of that.

“You… you can’t help me, can you?” Princess Twilight’s ears turned down, followed by a drooping of her head. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I like to think that I’m a good friend, but I’m not blind to my propensity for causing damage to things… or to having things take damage that are near me, or that I’m at all loosely associated with in some way.” She gave a humorless chuckle. “Watch, I bet the next villain we face will blow this office up just because I stopped in for a meeting.”

Standard burst into tense and doubtlessly unnerving laughter, before clamping a hoof over his mouth—for an idea had occurred to him.

“Self-insure,” he blurted.

“Excuse me?”

His mind and pulse raced as one as he leapt from conclusion to conclusion. “Y-You have the authority to levy taxes in keeping with your role both as a Princess and as the de facto guardian of Ponyville, correct?”

“Er, well... I suppose I might enjoy such privileges as a royal? Princess Luna certainly didn’t waste any time imposing a small candy tax after her return, though there was historical precedent for her taxation authority…”

“Of course! Ha. Ha ha ha.” Standard realized that the laughter was coming out nervous and wooden, but he leaned into it with all his worth. “We could run the numbers for a baseline tax package that—if the proceeds were invested wisely—would effectively let you self-insure not only your new property, but also cover your outstanding—and I do mean outstanding—liability exposure.”

“Wow!” Twilight’s smile returned, and it was like a sunrise full of beaming glory to Standard’s desperate eyes. “You know, I bet you’re right. I’d been carrying my policies with Financial Pro Plus because I thought that was the responsible thing to do, but I bet that I could solve a multitude of problems through taxation!”

“Errr… wait, I think—”

Twilight popped up from her seat and gave him a quick nod. “Thanks, mister Deduction! I look forward to seeing your filing next year!”

Standard watched her bounce out of the room as if in slow motion. The trio of shocks he’d had by meeting her, speaking to her, and possibly assisting her—however indirectly—wracked his overstimulated brain. The fact that she’d be meeting her financial goals through direct changes to tax policy was almost more than he could bear.

“Hey… hey Standy, what happened there?” asked his red-coated boss, who slowly edged herself into his field of view. “Did I just hear you tell her to cancel her outstanding policies and levy new taxes on everypony?!”

“I did,” he breathed.

“Why would you do that? I mean, even if she’s Tartarus on wheels with property-casualty, it’s not like all of her policies were direct drains on our bottom line. And I mean… new taxes? Seriously!”

“I know,” he said, settling back in his chair, and not even bothering to try to keep his wings in control anymore. “That was the absolute hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

His boss frowned at him. “Let me guess… you’re gonna be out sick for the rest of the day, too?”

“Yes I am, ma’am. Yes I am.”

[CoffeeMinion]

5014740
I can't begin to express how much I love your idea that Limestone is actually a party pony. It clicks right into place with a lot of the stuff I've been writing with her over the last couple years, and it feels like it helps explain some canon stuff, too. I'm not sure where I'm gonna use that next, but I think it's going to stick.

5014546 + 5014555 + 5014610 + 5014611 -- just wanted to let you guys know that you've been heard and your stuff is moving along, albeit much slower than I'd intended. I probably should've learned from my experience with To Serve In Hell that I'm a lot better at writing long and slow than short and quick. But regardless, I'm having an absolute blast working on these requests, so thank you for them! I'll tag ya as they get done.

5014915
I couldn't stay away from pone forever. Heck, I have no such desire!

5015022
(Bro I'll still let you in the queue if you toss me an idea, REEEEEEEE)

5015046
Glad you enjoyed it! I'll post it as a standalone when I'm done with these.

On the subject of alcohol and other pursuits: I like to headcanon that the "scriptures" of the Way of Harmony use a word for the Element of Laughter that leaves a lot of room for ambiguity in translation from Old Ponish (perhaps as part of its connections with the more-ancient Pillar of Hope). It's a word that can mean "laughter" in certain contexts, which is how most contemporary scholars and practitioners interpret it (notably missing, or at least de-emphasizing, most of its older connotations with hope). However, the sterner/more-ascetic group that the Pies belong to have instead translated it as "Be of Good Cheer," which they then interpret in more of a deny thyself and be content with thy labors direction, again as part of their elevation of hope over laughter.

But while both translations are supported by the text to a greater or lesser degree, Pinkie's unambiguous embodiment of the Element of Laughter has played havoc with the Pies' interpretation--so much so that they were very keen to hear about Somnambula's return and to ponder what it might mean for the ancient hope-vs.-laughter debate. Of course the fact that Pinkie and Somnambula haven't bothered to stop and address the greater theological questions raised by their presumed link is absolutely maddening to the more devout members of the family.

[Moosetasm]

5015691
But I want an Oompa Loompa story nowwwww!

[Darkstarling]

5015691
I really like those thoughts on theology. I have my own thoughts on translation and scriptural issues, mostly that 'Magic' would be more properly translated 'Synthesis'. Magic makes it all complete, as they say: it's the quality of the whole becoming greater than the sum of it's parts. The key and central quality of both Friendship and Harmony. Similarly, Honesty is accurate but 'Integrity' works as well or better.

The relation of the Pillars to the Elements must be driving Harmonists nuts. Because they are similar but not the same. Strength of body becomes strength of spirit, hope becomes laughter, sorcery becomes 'magic'... You'd probably be onto something if you found translations that showed an evolution of the pillars to a more spiritual form, but that might also just be bending the words to fit.

5014733

Twilight has NO IDEA does she. Poor fellow.

At least, as a pegasus, he can get to his bunk faster than you might otherwise expect.

Luna taxes candy? The FIEND! She's still evil after all!

And yeah, ordinary insurance really isn't designed to handle being an Adventurer Princess. Not to mention in such a dangerous place as Equestria. That's the real secret: the reason they keep the royal guard around is to minimize damage and thus costs.

[CategoricalGrant]

Princess Celestia wakes up one morning to find that she's invisible and unhearable to everypony except Luna.

[FanOfMostEverything]

5015467
I have to wonder if insurance ponies change their names after earning some of the dullest cutie marks outside of rock farming, or if their parents burden them with the things in some manner of self-fulfilling prophecy. (Or, given this field, futures trading.)

Still, I get the feeling that this isn't the first bureaucrat distracted by the Twily, nor will it be the last. Flash doesn't have a chance... unless the accountants of Equestria throw a Sentry at her to stop the ongoing economic upheaval that is Twilight trying to optimize the tax code.

[paul]

5015467
Awesome!
That was the absolute hottest story I read this week :)
Publish it!! Please!! It's begging to be published!!

[Georg]

Twilight Sparkle gets the library mail one day to discover that a trashy magazine has run an article: "Hottest Princess Flanks In Equestria"

She agrees with the first one listed. Has some minor qualms about the second. Really can't fault putting the third one where it fell... And she's not listed. Anywhere.

"I have flanks! Right here! Spike, aren't these flanks?"

[Just_Me123]

5015467
Twilight and insurance...

But, but, where's the gecko, if there was any agent who should be able to resist Twilight's charms surely it would be the gecko? Won't somebody think of the gecko!

[SIGAWESOME]

5015691

just wanted to let you guys know that you've been heard and your stuff is moving along, albeit much slower than I'd intended.

Looking forward to it!

...now come to think of it I want to write a version as well...

[CoffeeMinion]

5016723
By all means, feel free! This, um... I’ll just apologize in advance... this turned out super-lowbrow.

Rumbling Thunder

An earsplitting alarm chased Rumble from the snuggly darkness of his blankets, which tangled in his legs and sent him facefirst to the floor. But the cloud-house floor didn’t stop him until he was chest-deep, leaving his muzzle uncomfortably close to the stove where Thunderlane was cooking haybacon.

“Dig the alarm, lil’ bro?” Thunderlane beamed. “The flying fish bite early!”

Rumble groaned, pulled his torso free, tromped down the cloud-stairs, and dropped onto a chair.

Thunderlane offered a full plate and a smirk. “Not how you wanted us to hang this weekend?”

After a few bites, Rumble shrugged. “Flying fish are tasty, I guess.”

“Nah, fishing’s the excuse. The real point’s taking time we’d never get normally. Just sitting, talking… no distractions.”

Rumble farted.

“Celestia ABOVE, bro!” Thunderlane chuckled and waved. “Do I gotta put up with THAT all morning?”

“Fair’s fair, right?! That’s for making me get up early!”

I’ll also confess that I cross-posted this as an entry for this month’s Flashfic contest, for all the good it is likely to do me.

And yet... at the same time... this feels like a reasonably accurate depiction of brotherly interaction.

[SIGAWESOME]

5017145
Flatulence is always good for a laugh. Of course, with them being brothers, I foresee some brotherly interaction involving Dutch Oven in the near future...

5016240

"Hottest Princess Flanks In Equestria"

HOT?! IS THIS HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2017/4/22/1418260.png

[CoffeeMinion]

5014555
5014546
Okay guys, brace yourselves for this one. Writing Flash and Limestone again is fun as heck, but it definitely feels like it’s been a couple years since I’ve attempted it.

I kind of ended up writing this as a side-scene to Heavy Rock. I wonder if I might end up posting this as a “bonus chapter.” I’m not convinced it would stand on its own as a side story, and I’m even less sure that it would make for a satisfying sequel. Any thoughts or whatnot are welcome!

Bonus Track: Fat Bottomed Girls

Late afternoon sunlight lanced through the quiet music room at Canterlot High, casting heavy shadows as it played across a head-high stack of plastic chairs that had been left near the window.

But the silence was broken when a boy in jeans, a T-shirt, and a black jacket kicked the propped-ajar door fully open. Flash Sentry bopped and strutted into the silent space with a gait whose unevenness likely owed to balancing a white coffin-shaped guitar case in his right hand, and a smooth black smartphone in his left hand. A long white cord connecting the phone to a pair of earbuds he was wearing flailed through the air as he alternately pumped his limbs and headbanged. Yet still the only sounds in the room came from the squeaking of his sneakers on the aging tile floor.

“Aaaaaare you gonna take me home toniiiiiiiight,” he suddenly belted at the top of his lungs. A moment later, he continued: “Aaaaaahhh, down beside that red—” Flash stumbled over a cord that hadn’t been taped-down to the floor, breaking both his verse and his confident swagger. He steadied himself, shot a dirty look at the cord, then turned his gaze to the shelf of tools and equipment next to the window. After glancing back at both his guitar case and phone, he set the case down next to the offending cable, placed the phone down upon it, and unplugged his earbuds.

A growling—though clean—guitar riff chased all vestiges of silence from the room, accompanied by steady but powerful drumming, all supported by a thick bass undercurrent. After smiling and seeming satisfied with this state of affairs, Flash strutted toward the equipment shelf, hand already reaching towards the gaffer tape. And again he picked up with the song as it entered the chorus: “Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go ‘round!”

Flash turned back, gaffer tape in hand—and lowkey shrieked as he caught sight of the two figures who’d been sitting in the low-lit silence of what he clearly assumed had been an empty room.

In response, Limestone Pie deepened the furrows on her brow, gave her sister Pinkie a look, then nodded toward the light switch.

Moments later, Pinkie had gotten the lights, and Flash had paused his music. Limestone settled into a glare.

“Harmony on a stick, guys,” Flash panted, still catching his breath. “What, are you trying to make sure I get my cardio in even though it’s a band practice day?!”

“Ooo, that’s a good idea,” Pinkie chirped. “I mean, no, we just got here early and thought we’d use the time to study a few of the tabs you gave us last session—but come to think of it, the keyboardist from Rammstallion walks on a treadmill while playing live sometimes, so maybe we could have you do that, too!”

Both Flash and Limestone looked at her with furrowed brows.

“What do treadmills have to do with anything?” Limestone growled.

“You listen to Rammstallion?!” Flash gawped.

“It follows from what Flashie said—and of course I do, silly! We’re trying to play heavy, right? Well, I went and did some homework on what ‘heavy’ means these days!” Pinkie gave Limestone a huge wink. “And it sounds like I’m not the only one who’s brushin’ up on what’s thick and heavy, if ya know what I mean?”

Limestone’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment at Pinkie’s crack about her bottom—to say nothing about what Flash had just belted out! She turned her eyes down toward the bass tabs resting on her lap, as if she might find answers there. But all it did was remind her how damnably hard one of the songs was. She was still getting used to playing music in the first place; why would Flash give her a solo?!

The thought made her angry, and it was a very short trip from being mad about the music to being mad about the lyrical indecency that she’d just heard.

She raised a sneer towards him. “What kind of immature crap is this, shouting out how much you wanna go home with a girl just ’cause she’s got a… a…”

“Fat bottom?” Pinkie offered.

“Right!”

Pinkie shrugged and cocked her head to the side. “Well, I mean, if you were gonna go home with someone, wouldn’t you kinda want there to be some meat on their bones?”

Limestone turned a look of wide-eyed incredulity on her.

Flash tensed, but after a moment’s hesitation, he grabbed one of the chairs off the stack by the window and sat down, straddling it. “Look, I’m sorry that I didn’t notice you guys when I came in. I guess that I got into the music. I mean, you heard the riffs and beat, right? It’s pretty much one of the catchiest rock songs ever.”

“So being ‘catchy’ makes it okay to go around singing about how much you want to do it with random fat girls,” Limestone snarked. “I mean, I think the whole ‘objectifying women’ thing gets overused sometimes… but the shoe fits, Charlie.”

Flash pursed his lips. “Say, Pinkie—”

“Giving privacy!” she shouted, already halfway through the door. It slammed behind her with a rattling reverberation that made Limestone’s teeth chatter.

“Limestone—”

“Don’t you ‘Limestone’ me, that was weird and you know it. What’s that song even called, anyway?”

Flash chuckled. “It’s literally called ‘Fat Bottomed Girls.’ And for what it’s worth, it’s probably one of the all-time classic rock songs. Great old band, great old song… heck, I bet your dad would’ve sung along to it back in the day… if he ever sang along to anything. No offense to your dad, I just mean… y’know.”

Despite the undercurrent of uncertainty she felt about the lyrics, Limestone couldn’t resist snerking at the mental image of her dad bombing down the road in his old blue pickup truck, blasting his radio as loud as it would go, and bellowing “FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS!!!” at passers-by.

“And look,” Flash continued, “I know this whole dating thing is still really new for us—”

“You mean for me,” she interrupted.

“All right; sure, I mean for you. But I also mean for us. Because without you, there is no us. And I want there to be a you, and an us. I like how it’s going, and I want to keep it going.”

Without really thinking about it, Limestone squirmed a little in her seat. “But then… why sing stuff like that? I mean, you’re not some big horny rock star, right? It’s not like you go around just… like…” She gestured indistinctly with her hands.

“Doing it with random fat girls?” he echoed with a smile.

“Right. I mean… right?”

“Definitely not. That isn’t how I roll. And for what it’s worth, I don’t just mean the size thing… though I like to think I’m not so shallow that it’d make a difference one way or the other. What I’m really looking for is the right girl in my age range; someone who I can make a real connection with.” He gave her a wink. “Or I was looking, until recently.”

Limestone felt heat rising in her cheeks and chest. She quickly turned her thoughts back to the lyrics themselves, seeking something that would help her to stay angry—and therefore in control—in the face of his disarming charm.

“Well… but… then, why listen to it or sing it at all? Why would you associate yourself with something that’s contrary to what you really want… and frankly antisocial? I mean, it’s not like someone couldn’t take it the wrong way if they didn’t know the song.”

“Clearly,” Flash deadpanned. But after a few moments of thought, he shrugged. “Because sometimes it feels really, really good to throw your head back and shout something ‘antisocial?’ I mean, it’s kind of freeing, y’know? Like have you ever been out driving on your own and just shouted whatever crazy, random stuff you felt like at the top of your lungs, safe in the knowledge that no one would hear you?”

Limestone gave him a deeper frown.

“Okay! Sorry, bad example—I forgot that you don’t have your license. But do you know what I mean? Like think about some of Maud’s lyrics… I don’t think she would actually want to have some of the stuff she writes about happen to herself or anyone else.”

“Heh. Yeah. You wanna talk about someone who’s actually super-horny…” Limestone paused for a moment, losing herself in thought. It dawned on her that she could share a relevant example from her own life, though the words seemed to catch in her throat—it was difficult trusting them with anyone else.

She locked her eyes on Flash’s, and saw both affection and acceptance returned in them. The quiet of the room and the fading evening light gave their conversation an almost hallowed, or confessional, air. And from that familiar feeling, Limestone felt a desire to open a part of herself to the boy who had shown her so much care and understanding, even in the relatively short time that she’d known him.

“I say things in the quarry, sometimes,” Limestone almost whispered. “Like when it’s early in the morning and everybody else is still asleep up at the house… I go out with my coffee, I pick up my pickaxe… and sometimes I swing it a couple times first, and sometimes I don’t… but I talk to it, like it’s my friend. I tell it how I’m feeling, or what I really want to do. Because I know it’s always got my back, no matter what crazy things I say to it.”

Flash blinked silently for a few moments. “Okay, that’s… kind of both hot and incredibly badass. But yeah, there you go. So I could get after you for talking to yourself—”

“To the pickaxe.”

“Still hot! Or I could guess that sometimes just getting the words out can help you decide how you feel about them, right? Well, it can be the same way with the words, or the music. Sometimes it’s more about going with the feeling of them rather than what they’re really telling you. And I know not everyone gets into it that way, but for me… when I’m alone and I crank up Fat Bottomed Girls, pretty much the last thing on my mind is actual girls or their actual butts. For me it’s all about cutting a little bit loose and having some room to be free. And same with a lot of other lyrics in a lot of other songs—it’s not like I actually want to overthrow society, or celebrate a monster rampage.”

“Yeah, I guess we’re starting to get a few of those now that magic seems to be more of a thing,” Limestone said slowly. “I can see how it’d be good to think about that sort of thing through singing, even if you sing about the rampage itself.”

“Right. And clearly you can take it to an extreme, but that’s not really what it’s supposed to be about. Right?” Flash gave her a tentative smile.

Limestone nodded, but then blushed. “All right, Charlie, I guess I’ll let you off the hook this time. But all this talk about butts makes me curious if you spend any time thinking about mine?”

He spluttered and laughed, then stood up from the chair, approached her, and took her hands in his. The warmth and strength of them brought still greater heat to Limestone’s chest, and even stirred some in her stomach.

“Limestone Pie, first and foremost, I appreciate you for your intellect and personality.” He gently massaged her palms with his fingers, sending little tingles of sensation through her hands and down her arms, which intensified the heat she felt within. Then he leaned closer, and winked, and whispered: “But to answer your question, I’d say you’ve got a nice bottom. Not a ‘fat’ bottom, but a bottom that looks strong and firm while sacrificing none of its curves for the muscles within. Certainly a bottom that would bear all due appreciation someday by a lucky fellow in a strong, committed, meaningful relationship with you… and your bottom.”

He pulled away, smiling subtly, and seemingly in complete control of both himself and the situation. But for her part, it was all that Limestone could do to contain the raging heat and sweatiness that his words had inspired in her.

“I’ll go get Pinkie,” he said with another wink. “Wouldn’t want to miss practice with you, or your…” He simply left the words hanging as he turned away.

Limestone collapsed in her seat, fanning herself desperately with the music tabs. And it occurred to her that maybe—just maybe—they should think about adding that song to their repertoire.

[Darkstarling]

5016273
It's his cutie mark. It didn't help.

No-one understands Quick Quip's gecko mark at all, or how he got into insurance. Except the CMCs, and they've been sworn to secrecy by Pinkie.
It's rude to say someone is clingy, cold blooded, and a climber after all (even if it also says they're good at coming back from injury and loss)

5018309
That is awesome! I need to read more of your Flash and Limestone, if this is the standard for their interactions.
It's a good thing Limestone didn't get into the rest of the lyrics. That really is an AWFUL song. But so catchy...
And Pinkie and Limestone being sisters and hanging out is just always fun.

[Just_Me123]

Lol, from flatulence to fat bottoms, are you channeling a secret heiny fetish?

Nice little story about Limestone and Flash making progress, too bad it'll never make an actual EQG short. But sure, add it as a new chapter to your story. She's definitely better than unreformed Sunset was, as for reformed Sunset, who knows, she's got her own head to still screw on straight (probably has something to do with that "bra" incident, lol).

Of course, that suggests a one off story where Limestone and Sunset get together somehow and talk about all things Flash...

[CoffeeMinion]

5018424
I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. Though if I did, I’m sure I would direct you to an exchange between Limestone and Igneous in chapter 9 of Heavy Rock:

“...But think how old thy mother and I are now, and how long we hath been together, and how much longer both our lives might be.”

She gave him an uncertain look. “Okay?”

“That is why I say to take thy time. Choose once, and choose wisely, and thou hast the rest of thy life to reap the most enjoyable benefits of thy wisdom.”

Limestone nodded, even as she tried to purge her mind of the specifics of that image.

In all seriousness though, I find it a bit peculiar myself that I’ve skewed more towards lowbrow subjects with several of these. I’m not sure what it says about me that that’s where my head is going right now.

5018382
Glad you enjoyed it! I’d say this is a bit of how they get on in Heavy Rock, though that’s more of a slow-burn romance than this is.

[Moosetasm]

“You listen to Rammstallion?!” Flash gawped.

Du. Du hast. Du hast Pinkie?

[forbloodysummer]

Am I too late seeing this to chime in?

Limestone Pie punches Sunset Shimmer in the tits. Sunset likes it.

Not shipping!

[CoffeeMinion]

5022244
I’ve still got several of these to work through, so for now I’m not taking requests.

This one is certainly attention-getting, though. Would you give me a little more to go on with the idea? I’m on the fence of whether it’s something I’d tackle... but again, it’s attention-getting.

[forbloodysummer]

5022430 Totally fair, eeyup!

I was going to leave it up to you, as I think the premise could go a few different ways, but after you replied I tried to think what I'd write given that premise:

I figure Sunset thought of herself as the hardest girl in CHS for four years, when in actuality she happily pushed around the meek and weak, like Fluttershy, but resorted to other methods to deal with the tougher girls like Rainbow and Applejack. And as soon as there was someone unarguably more powerful than her, like Principal Celestia or VP Luna, she wheedled and played the victim.

So I wondered how she'd react when confronted by Limestone, who, one assumes, is a character who concrete looks to for inspiration on how to be hard. Limestone presumably isn't exactly enamoured with Sunset, since at least one of her little sisters lived through Sunset's reign of terror. So I imagined them meeting a little like they do in Heavy Rock, only instead of Limestone being smitten with Sunset, she punches Sunset in the tits.

And Sunset's just like, "Oh, right, that's what strength looks like. Suddenly the Fall Formal ending with me in a crater doesn't seem so bad, if the emergency room was the alternative."

[CoffeeMinion]

5022463
Right on, I dig it!

Well. As I said, no promises right now—gotta finish the ones that are still outstanding. But it’s an idea with potential!

[CoffeeMinion]

5014555
5014610
Okay guys, clearly I’ve slowed down a bit but this isn’t forgotten. Enjoy some more madness!

This probably makes more sense if you’ve read my story The Brief, Torrid Love-Affair of Fernando the Straw and Madame le Flour, though hopefully it scans reasonably well if you haven’t.

Bonfire of the Sanities

A heavy pounding startled Trixie out of both slumber and hammock. She tumbled facefirst and cursing to her wagon’s floor.

“It’s open,” she mumbled.

In burst Pinkie, panting, eyes and nostrils blazing like the dawn.

“All sales are final,” Trixie said automatically.

“Forget about the disappearing ink—I’m here about that dirty cheat Fernando!”

“Fer… who?”

“FERNANDO!” Pinkie whipped a fuzz-caked bendy-straw out from her mane. “And Sir Lintsalot! I caught them in flagrante delicto!”

Trixie blinked. “That’s a straw with some lint stuck on.”

“Verily!” Pinkie swooned backwards onto a crate of fireworks. “And now Fernando’s erstwhile lover Madame LeFlour demands fiery vengeance for her slighted ardor!”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie isn’t licensed to sell pyrotechnics.”

Pinkie deflated. “Oh. Well… I suppose… the girls did warn me about getting overimaginative while they were out of town this weekend…”

“Sane advice,” Trixie grumbled.

Pinkie pronked away, humming.

Trixie’s grumbling intensified.

[Moosetasm]

5030704
Well, maybe she can use a magnifying glass and the sun?

[Darkstarling]

5030704
Such drama! Such shock! Such SCANDAL and torrid, TORRID revenge!

Sure to be a hit on HBO.

Trixie, if 'All Sales Are Final' is your default response, you may need to up your quality a WEE bit. At least when you aren't leaving town in the evening.

5031012
The fiery wrath of CELESTIA HERSELF!!!!!

[CoffeeMinion]

5022463
So hey, I know it’s been a while, but I might have thought of something for this. Maybe. Possibly.

I have a couple story fragments that’ve been hanging around forever that I might’ve just thought of a way to glue together into a proper thing that both satisfies one of the original story ideas, and also hits near your request.

Question, though: what would you say if it was Adagio instead of Sunset?

[forbloodysummer]

5069909 Ooh, I did not expect a reply to this!

Question, though: what would you say if it was Adagio instead of Sunset?

Ok, well, your story and all, so do whatever you think best. But in three words: I'd hate it.

In story terms, I don't think it works half as well as with Sunset, because Adagio never used force to accomplish her goals. The idea was that Sunset had been swaggering around feeling tough, and then suddenly realising that Limestone could have shown up and put her down using those very same methods at any point over the four years she ruled CHS (rather than the few-day window of the sirens). And that in fact Limestone is, in terms of toughness, what Sunset thought she was. Whereas if Limestone had shown up at CHS during the siren incident, she'd have fallen under their spell just like everyone else. The Pie sister best equipped to handle the sirens was Pinkie, being immune to their song. I think for the Adagio equivalent, you'd need someone to show up who uses hypnotism/mind control to win, and is much better at it than Adagio is. So for Adagio, I guess the closest comparison would be Discord.

I think, also, Adagio never really came across as claiming credentials she didn't live up to. Sunset acted like the baddest bitch in school for four years, pushing people around, but without actually being too tough for people to take on if they really wanted to. So Limestone showing up would be Sunset seeing the real deal for the first time of someone too tough to push around, someone no one could stand up to physically. While Adagio, if anything, went the other way and acted nicer than she really was, using manipulation to get people to do what she wanted. I guess, in that respect, the character who'd be best suited to upstage her at her own game as the genuine article, where she just pretended to be nice, would be Cozy Glow.

So for story reasons, I'd say Sunset's a much better match. Plus it harks back to Heavy Rock, and I think would redress some of the balance in Sunset's first scene there.

Also I'm basically much too attached to Adagio, probably more so than is healthy or proper for an adult, and rather childishly don't take well to stories where she doesn't come out on top!

[CoffeeMinion]

5069924
That's a much deeper answer than I was expecting.

Makes sense, though. Sunset was a bully first and foremost, and her ambitions only turned to magic after securing a dominant social position; she's exactly the sort of person who Limestone could've taken down a peg or two. Whereas the Sirens were a dangerous magical threat from the get-go, but they stayed under wraps until they found a way to gain sufficient power to re-establish their dominance--they're not the sort of problem that Limestone would be good at solving.

I could still see some kind of story working here, though, maybe. Consider that Adagio (or Aria--I could probably write it with Aria) might find inspiration in Limestone's inner (and outer) strength, precisely because she doesn't have the crazy Harmony-powers of the Mane 7. A siren still struggling to cope with life after magic might be intrigued by a human who can keep kicking butt long after she runs out of bubblegum to chew.

[forbloodysummer]

5070025 Don't sweat it, dude, if you're not happy writing it about Sunset then I'll rescind the idea, no worries