An Awful Anniversary · 3:26am Feb 14th, 2019
One year ago today, my best friend committed suicide. It's been an entire year, but the pain is still unmistakably fresh. Every day I can still feel the void he left. All 365 days since he's been gone I've regretted every second I didn't spend with him, every missed chance I could've had to be there for him so this might not have happened. It's been a year, but this wound will never heal.
In our lives there are few moments that are truly, permanently etched into our psyche. We go to work, we hang out with friends, we get hurt, then get back up again. We might make some pleasant memories, or we could experience some bad ones. Some moments we can cherish for the rest of our lives, and many others we can easily forget, but there are a few things in life that never go away, that you can never take back. Some things leave a scar that can never go away, a void that can never be filled again.
Suicide is one of those things.
You never really get a proper perspective on it until someone close to you does it. You never feel that visceral pain of knowing that they're gone forever and there's nothing you can do to fix this. It's hard to cope with the reality of it at first. It doesn't really seem real. Someone you knew and loved for so long that was always there, and now they're just not. It doesn't seem to fit in with the world you know. I know I couldn't accept it until I was there at his funeral. Seeing his picture above his ashes made it real. I couldn't deny it anymore. He was dead. There were no take-backs, no do-overs. This was permanent. This was forever.
When we're at that low, we don't think about those things. We don't think about the people that we'd hurt, or the void we'd leave in the world, we just want the pain to go away. I've been there plenty of times before, and I can definitely understand the perspective. But as someone who's experienced both sides of this awful subject, I can say you're not really taking your pain away, you're only spreading it across all the people that are going to feel your absence. I'm sure my best friend thought at his lowest that no one would care if he left, but that packed church at his funeral told a different story.
It's been a hard year without him. A year filled with what-ifs and whys. It's been a long, painful year, and I can't say that I've even come close to getting over it. I'm not really sure if it's possible to. With any other trauma, you can apologize, you can move on, you can rest assured the other person can move on with their life or if they died some other way, that there really wasn't much you could have done. But this? Every day I ask myself why I didn't make one phone call, why I didn't give up a few hours of my life to make amends, to give him someone to lean on, so that something this terrible never would have happened. It's a hard thing to deal with, and an even harder one to talk about.
So, I just wanted to write this story as a sort of memorial. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. Maybe it will reach out to you to give you some idea of what I had to go through with all this. If you know someone that's struggling with depression, it only takes a few minutes to check on them and see how they're doing. Maybe you've been apart for a long time or maybe you talked yesterday. A simple, genuine "how are you doing?" could be all that it takes.
And if you're going through this and feel like suicide is the only option, take a few months to try to reach out or make new friends. I know at my lowest all I really wanted was someone who would listen. I can promise you that there are still people out that will, even if it seems like nobody cares anymore. It's always better to let someone help you with your pain instead of spreading it to everyone who cared about you.
Thanks for reading
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Oh, I'm sorry for your loss. And though I'm sure this won't help much, I just want to say it wasn't your fault. Suicide is almost always unexpected, and it's hard to know when it's happening. I'm sure your friend wouldn't want you to feel guilty all the time.
I'm sorry about what happened. Personally, I've dealt with loss before, my family members, my pets, but there's something that kept me going: the people around me now. They helped me through my tough times and reminded me that those that have passed on wouldn't want me to grieve my entire life, but move forward to a brighter tomorrow, knowing that they're in a better place. My mom once told me, "You can't truly get over it, but you can get beyond it." I didn't understand what she meant until I grew up a little more since then, mom didn't want me to let the past control me, worrying about what-if's. The past CAN hurt, but you can either run from it or learn from it. Help others that you believe is in depression, talk with them, assist them, even if they may be strangers, a little kindness can go a long way for quite a few people.
I'm so sorry for your loss
Hugs!
It never gets any easier, but it won't always be so hard.
I'm sorry this is the reason you're so intimately knowledgeable about this kind of thing. If it's any consolation, although it is definitely not the same circumstance remotely, writing did help me deal with my emotions when my dad passed away. I really hope this works out for you as a sort of catharsis, and also that through your insight, readers appreciate just how much this can affect so many people.
I’m so sorry for your loss
I'm just glad you weren't made to repress how you feel by someone who had control over you. It's good to let these things out. And just like RainbowSparkle3 said,
In fact, your friend would want you to remember the good times you two had with each other.
God bless you.
It’s a brave and warming gesture for you to write a story like this one.
Wanting to die is a kind of hurting that can’t be understood by anyone who hasn’t experienced it. Reading your stories, I could tell that you have a knowledge of suicide that I wish no one had. I hate that you have to know what it’s like. I hate that anyone does.
While I’ve not lost someone immediately close to me, I imagine trying to fill that void must feel nearly impossible. As you said, in the wake of suicide, the depression that caused it spreads like a virus, swallowing the color and passion and joy from everyone and everything. There’s often nothing left but hollow shells. The fact that you’re still here is at the very least a testament to your own tenacity in the face of such a monumental loss.
I’ve used Sunset as a medium to explore my own history with self-harm and suicide, as well as to remind myself that no matter how alone I feel, ending like that would cause irreparable damage to those around me. It’s been a helpful way to learn more about my own struggles. I hope your story provides you with the healing you need, too.
It's never easy losing someone ya care fr, friend or family, but even if it still hurts always remember the good times ya had n always keep them in ya heart.
I hope this helps, but know that, eventually, the scar won't hurt. Never disappears, but it stops hurting as much. We always hear that time heals all wounds, which given the fallacy of human memory we tend to think of as meaning we won't hurt because we won't even remember it. But, as much as it pains me to say it, the thoughts and feelings you have those first few hours after finding out are going to be so searing into the wound, it'll be one of your clearer memories. But, the first year is the hardest. Especially as you start seeing others try to move on with their lives, don't fall into the trap of thinking that they didn't care for your friend as much as you did because they're graduating high school or getting themselves new girlfriends or boyfriends.
Time won't heal you wound because you forget your friend, time will heal it because you learn how to remember. You'll find yourself smiling again at the little things you and your friend did together, amazed when you look back at thinking the thoughts that there was no real pain associated with the memory. And when the day comes that you stop counting down the days to this darkest of anniversaries, and it will come, find that corner of your broken heart you need to remind yourself that your friend would never wish for you to be in such pain.
If you find yourself in need of an ear on top of the outlet of your story, don't hesitate to message.
You have my condolences, Holy.