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Vertigo22


To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

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Jan
22nd
2019

Addiction: What It Can Do to Your Relationship and Yourself · 6:01pm Jan 22nd, 2019

I heard horror stories from my mom about her parents; how their alcoholism would lead to screaming and abuse—physical and verbal— between them. As for my mother and aunt, they were sometimes caught in between the crossfire, often choking on the smoke from the cigarettes both their parents would smoke. Growing up, I found these stories incredible. Neither of my grandparents seemed like they were capable of such actions. In spite of that disbelief, the stories made me vow to never take up drinking or smoking. I never wanted to fall victim to an addiction. And I haven't. While I've drank three times in my life, only finishing the drink once, I've stuck true to my word.

However, while I may not doing damage to my liver or lungs, I managed to do damage in a different way. A way that thought wasn't really possible due to it being something seemingly harmless. Pornography.

I've done my fair share of reading on porn addiction; stories of people who've devoted their lives to being in front of a computer watching porn and looking at drawn art of their favorite video game, comic book, or literary characters. For the longest time, I laughed it off as a basement dweller thing. I may not have a social life, but I'm anything but someone who'd fall victim to such an addiction. After all, I see myself as a responsible person. To a degree anyway.

Starting about a year ago or so ago, I began to get into arguments with my girlfriend. She was vehemently opposed to me looking at porn. In her eyes, it's damaging and harmful. It'd creepy unrealistic expectations and considering how I am with worrying, only carry more strife. I was amazed at this. Although she'd told me in the past she wasn't one to look at porn, she'd never criticized me for looking at it. In spite of this, I told her it was nothing. It was normal after all. While she didn't agree, I turned a blind eye and deaf ear to her concerns

Now for some background. For over seven years, I'd been addicted to porn. It started out like it does for everyone; a gateway into the magic that can fill the night. It stayed like that too for a while too. As time went on though, that normality changed. Cravings grew. Desire grew. I didn't want to look at it once a day, I wanted it twice; thrice. More and more. It was like a drug—a web based one.

I want you to envision for a moment someone who's not exactly the norm. I can't vouch for how many people on this site are like me, but I imagine there are a few. Whatever the case, I'm someone who has little to no self control. I'm someone who can blurt out the dumbest thing, give into whatever asinine desire I have, or just do something monumentally stupid to spite someone I dislike. For all intents and purposes, I'm the last person who should listen to themselves when it comes to wanting to do anything.

Alas, with no self control and no common sense to try and tell me that it's a bad idea to do something. No attention span either. A melting pot for hours upon hours of wasted time trying to get off. Trying and failing. Daily. Frustration and anger at failure. I can't tell you how many hours I've wasted doing that; slowly coming to terms with the fact I'd just spent 5 or more hours failing to accomplish anything like I had the previous day when I could have—and should have—been writing. But in a final act of desperation, I'd just resume out of pure anger at myself. Cue another hour and a half vigorously trying to finish what I started.

If this screams “normal” to you, then I'm glad you think so. It never did to my girlfriend when she learned of it. In fact, it revolted her and made her livid. She warned me more times than I care that what I was doing was getting bad. Her words went in through one ear and out the other. I figured she was overreacting; being controlling. That she wanted to control me so she was the center of my universe 24/7. My actions on the internet in ny private time could be monitored by her. Everyone looks at porn, no?

As time marched on, we got into a fight. Nothing new, lovers quarrel and whatnot. Happened before, will happen again. With this one though, I finally decided to put my foot down in her favor. I figured that maybe I was wrong. Perhaps I did have a bit a problem. I decided to swear off this nonsense. I'd do what she wanted.

Only I didn't.

Like a child stealing from a cookie jar, I decided that I'd look at porn behind her back. This went on for roughly two months until me, without any sense of self control and no ability to remain silent, blurted out what I'd done. She was visiting me for a few weeks and this led to a day where she was in my bedroom the entire day. I went in there maybe once and her eyes were as bloodshot as was humanly possible. I'd never seen her so distraught and sad in my life. As she'd tell me down the line, I'd to her and broken her trust. I was beyond mad at myself, yet I didn't make one iota of an effort to change. Instead, I just went about my life doing what I'd done like clockwork. Her words didn't matter.

Eventually, she calmed down. We talked. She told me that she'd let me have it my way, but that I couldn't use Derpibooru. Indeed, like oh-so many MLP fans of the male gender, I loved my clop. So much so, I had over 1,200 favorites. Admittedly, I'm compulsive and favorite nearly everything I like. This makes finding things on any website I'm on a nightmare as it's a disorganized shitshow. I digress though: I agreed and subsequently deleted everything. It was a great workout for my right hand, as opposed to the left one that must be on par with Dwayne Johnson's strength.

More time went on. Everything was, more or less, fine. Occasional stupidity, occasional idiocy, but it was… better-ish. That is, until one that's stuck with me like a planet-sized leech. I've already said that I'm a curious person; one who’s gotten himself into a lot of shit because he cannot control it to save a puppy from anything. For whatever dumb, stupid reason, I will in my bedroom one day when a thought hit me.

Has anyone ever done Rule 34 of Eleven from Stranger Things?

Now I'll admit: I've never been good with calling anyone under the age of 18 “cute”  I have a very warped perception of reality and always believed that that would come across as creepy or worse, as a pedophile. Being such a self conscious person, I've typically just resort mentally scolding myself until I have a panic attack and resume life as norm.

Now with that said, anyone with a sixteenth of a brain could tell me that that thought plus what I just said would likely lead to the biggest shitshow bar none. However, I didn't listen to inner thoughts. I decided to. I Googled it and, well, true to what the rule states (if it exists, there is porn of it). I was disgusted and felt like I was a damn pedophile. I couldn't believe I'd let my curiosity drive me to do this. I could feel an unfathomable level of anxiety course through me. If I'm to be honest, this one event is one of the biggest reasons I’m writing this blog. I've always beaten myself for giving into my curiosity here. I was always afraid to mention it because I didn't wait someone to think I was a pedophile because I was curious if someone was ballsy enough to draw an underage TV character. Not even "aged up" (which my girlfriend always told me was bullshit), but just straightforward drawn them. Nobody I've told this part of the story to said I am, but it still rips me apart inside that I was dumb enough to this.

And yet, despite all of that, curiosity kept me going. I had to know what people thought. If people drew this, then what did fans think? I clicked on the one drawing that was—and I reluctantly admit this—well drawn. It was the only one that seemed to have been drawn by anyone with some semblance of talent. I stared in disbelief at what I was looking at, felt my face light up like I was standing near a tub of lava, and scrolled down.

This is where the first wall of my addiction broke.

I want to impregnate Millie Bobby Brown.

I immediately closed the tab and stood frozen for a bit. My heart was ready to erupt out of my chest. I genuinely felt like that the FBI or local law enforcement would be at my door any second. I'd never seen something so… uncomforting. Ever since then, I've tried to repress the memory, but it's stuck with me and never left.

I told my girlfriend and her reaction was the biggest lack of shock. If anything, she was nonchalant. My endless idiocy had taken a toll on her; me getting disturbed and paranoid any time I saw the slightest bit of lolicon. Nothing surprised her anymore. She never seemed sympathetic. She was tired. She was worn out. She was livid beneath her indifference.

Life continued like this into December. My girlfriend and I saw my sister at her graduation from the Marine Corps boot camp. I was extraordinarily happy. I'd never felt prouder in my life. Yet, mere days after my girlfriend left, I found myself in the first of two gargantuan arguments that would shatter the second and third walls of my addiction. Although I'd told my girlfriend I'd sworn off clop, I ended up secretly looking at it, just as I'd done with porn over the summer. I did this once before quitting and figuring that it wasn't worth it. So, I stopped.

Then, I felt the need to have it again. I created a second account and within an hour or so, I'd favorited 636 images. About half of what I'd favorited over the course of five or so months. I was in ecstasy. Home sweet home. Then, quickly as that sensation came, guilt settled in along side it. I'd once again betrayed her trust. I was horrified. True to my nature, I confessed.

The entire day was spent arguing, apologizing, and all around feeling like my world was crumbling in on itself. By nightfall, she'd broken up, only to give me a second chance. No more clop and I was to be nicer. I agreed, and I deleted everything I'd favorited—something I'd actually done while favoriting images before refavoriting them mere minutes later.

My girlfriend had told me she'd decide if I'd changed by the new year, which came and went without incident. That brings us to a few weeks ago. All was more or less fine for a bit until I got into yet another fight with my girlfriend. I wanted my pony porn back. I whined, I cried, I told her I couldn't do it. Like a spoiled brat, I pestered her. A grown ass man who couldn't live without his porn of cartoon horses. She stood her ground; I couldn't have it and that was final. I continued to pester her. Finally, she gave in. Or rather, she gave up. She couldn't handle my melodrama anymore. She was done. She said I could do whatever I wanted. I felt like an ass that I'd acted like a six year old to get my way, but I took it and ran with it once she told me she was going to lay down and told me she wanted nothing to do with me.

A few awkward days went by when reality struck me. Again. Nothing was working. Whether it he guilt or just rose-colored goggles, pony porn was doing nothing. I told this; that in spite of me crying like a greedy, selfish child over it, I'd instead not bothered. This made her beyond livid; that her giving me a mile over an inch had been all for naught. That I, like a brainless imbecile, had fought for something I no longer wanted. I'd instead opted to cry, get what I wanted, and threw it away because it wasn't good enough.

That entire day a living hell and one that tore my mind in twine like white-hot knife through butter. I never fathomed I could make anyone so depressed or mad. But I guess I'm nothing if not capable of surprising myself. I was lost for days upon days afterwards; fearful that she'd break up with me—again. I managed to get out of her that she did want to, but that something I'd said changed that. That if she left so I could have my porn, it'd do good. Rather, it'd cause more problems. It'd just make me more depressed. I'd quit writing. I'd probably even kill myself.

Indeed, projection is my specialty. For all I figured she was controlling, I was everything I hated. I forced her to stay with me through fear. I used something she's terrified of the most so I could have it both ways; I get porn and I get to keep her. It's easily the most vile action I've ever done and I'll never live it down. And I've struck her in the past over absolute nonsense.

And yet, in spite of all of that, she didn't just break up. Even when I said I'd exaggerated what I'd do, even when I said I'd rather her be happy, even after all of the mud, trash, and emotional strife I've dragged her through. She still has stood by my side.

All of that brings me to a few days ago: two to be exact. I've been extremely sick as hell for the past two weeks with a sinus infection and bronchitis. I've been coughing endlessly and have had a fever of 100.0 on and off. I've had time to recuperate from the entirety of last year and the past few weeks. I've looked back on my actions; manipulation, lies, and selfish nature. All if it has made me feel less like a human and more like a monster. Everything I've ever hated in my life, I'd become. Everything my girlfriend thought I wasn't, I was.

Some may argue that everything I've done is entirely on me; that porn did nothing and is a perfectly normal, natural, infallible form of entertainment that is by absolutely no means addictive and cannot cause any sort of problems. I cannot change the hearts and minds of anyone, but I'd argue that like any form of entertainment, it's possible for someone to see it as a necessity in their life. In my case, for years upon years, it had become a necessity, but I'd brushed it off because nobody aside from the person who I've called my girlfriend for half a decade told me so. I wasn't going to tell anyone else and ask for their opinion either; it felt… weird.

But finally, after days of mentally scolding myself and seeing myself for who I'd become, I admitted it to myself. I had a problem. A serious problem. One that I'd let fester and grow until it had taken over my entire life. One that'd changed me; one that I'd put before my own girlfriend. I finally told her and she told me that she was surprised it took me so long.

I've told a few other friends, but not the extent I have in this blog. Truth be told, I just wanted this all off of my chest. I don't expect anyone to really see me the same way they've perhaps seen me for years and I understand. I've done an insurmountably dumb thing with letting this addiction go on for as long as it did; not to mention treating my girlfriend like she was a controlling, self-centered bitch. I'm thankful she's stayed with me—more than she can ever imagine.

This blog isn't meant to sway the opinion of anyone on what they look at. This isn't meant to discourage anyone from looking at porn. In the long run, humans are sexual creatures. We all have our inner desires. We are who we are. Nobody can change that; only you can. However, I do believe that porn addiction is something that's scoffed at. While it may not affect everyone the same, it's something that I feel can become something you rely on. It becomes more than just a way for you to pleasure yourself. It can become a means of escaping your problems or a necessity. It'll grow into something that's a part of your everyday life. It'll be something that can alter your perception. You'll realize that not having it can become a problem. When it reaches that point like it did for me, it's no longer just something you use to help you get off.

It's an addiction.

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Comments ( 23 )

To quote the Doctor or at least paraphrase: "You don't know something's an addiction till you try and give it up." And for you, I'm glad you did Vert. Trust me, we're here for you man, and I'm glad you got this all out in the open.

Im probably gonna get people mad at me for this, but it isnt litteraly addicting, its a pleasurable feeling and the human brain rewards it, but there isnt a litteral addiction.The fact that you went behind your girlfriends back isnt the porns fault, it was your choice. And later on you say it BECAME a need, when that isnt possible, it just became such a part of your routine that you didnt question it. Human nature is inclined to build up a routine, or a norm, and not challenge it if there isnt a compelling reason to stop.
Also, that comment made by a single person isnt indicative that watching porn makes you a bad person.

Ive probably made you pretty mad, and it wasnt my intention to make you mad directly, but ive been in and am in a similar situation myself, and i realised that i have become so used to having it, that when i went for a week without it i saw how little my life changed when i didnt have it.

5000821
Dude, there's something very wrong with you, and you disturb me, or at the very least you haven't been addicted to something before. I question if you even read this whole blog or outright care. Go. You. Now.

Impeccable argument mate, all humans are alike and are a hive mind. Impeccable genius argument. I tip my hat to you.

5000834
all the people who make good stories are cunts, all it takes is being civil, but you cant even do that. you dont have to tell me to go, i dont want to be around people like you

5000841
I'm amazed it took you this long to find the intelligence to reply to me with a comment. And all the people who make good stories are cunts? Real generalizing there, innit?

Wait... Don't you follow Vertigo, and his good stories?

Amber still wanting to stay with you, even at your worst. Is undeniably an act of true love, and it took a commendable amount of courage & willpower to recognize your problem, and act on it. Don't ever forget this, Chris.

5000842
imma just leave, your obviously not mentally stable enough to have a civil conversation, imma just block communication and quietly enjoy whatever stories you do put out.

5000844
Singsong SNOOOOOOOWWWWWFLAKE~!

5000855
i appreciate you taking the time to educate instead of getting mad like bricklayer, i guess i dont really have the life experiences to comment on these kinds of things at this point in my life, ill refrain from making comments about this subject until i educate myself more.

5000847
is there a reason you do this? you could have been civil like budgecraft and explained why i was wrong to say what i did, but instead you just went with your feeeeeels and told me to "get out" like some sjw bullshit

5000859

about this subject until i educate myself more.

No shit Sherlock.

5000868
your just a really toxic person arent you?

5000863
I don't like people trashing my friends and acting like complete assholes to them and being complete ignorant about a massive problem and brushing it off as nothing. That satisfy you?

5000870
yeah, actually. i feel alot better with the context of defending a friend, but it still doesnt excuse the fact that you could have engaged in a conversation instead of immediately trying to bully me away

5000873
yeah at this point i fuckin regret saying anything

5000872
While I understand he was hostile at first and lambasted you, he's been a friend I've been venting to and using as an earpiece to help with the entire ordeal. He was the first friend I explained everything to and has taken the entire thing extremely seriously. Again, I understand he was hostile, but based on what you said, it seems you missed the point of the blog. As HPBudgecraft said: the blog was about my experiences and how it's affected me. I'm beyond happy that you haven't gone through what I have and I hope it stays that way. But still, if you can take away anything from this blog, I'd want it to be that you remember: moderation is key. Don't let it consume you.

5000843
Thank you, Temni. You're a really great guy.

5000855
I love you more than you'll ever know.

5000868
J.K. Simmons for MCU Spider-Man J. Jonah Jameson.

5000875
im sorry i even said anything, in hindsight the comment wasnt a very good idea, but every once in a while i want to voice my opinion or experiences on something and pretty much every time it comes out to something like this.

5000875

J.K. Simmons for MCU Spider-Man J. Jonah Jameson.

Preach it man!

But in all seriousness, maybe hostility wasn't exactly the best response to dreadknight. I was just pissed off he wasn't taking this issue seriously.

5000877
Don't be sorry. I don't hate you for the comment. While I think it missed the point, you were simply voicing your views and experiences. I do believe that porn can cause serious issues and be addicting, especially when you're like me and have little self control and even less societal contact because you're autistic and physically disabled. Point is: you do you and I hope you never go through what I have. Though keep it in mind if you ever think that you may be going down the path I am. :)

Alright, finally got around to reading this and writing up my response.

And while personally, I have no experience with this subject matter personally, I recognize how hard it must have been for you to put this out there for us, and for yourself. Like 5000807 said, the first step to fixing a problem is realizing you have a problem in the first place.

And while you appear to not be free of this problem just yet, you have made moves to help yourself and that's what matters.

And of course, a shoutout to 5000855 for being a great person and GF and being there and putting up with your shit. May you two recover from this together. :raritywink:

I wish you luck in fixing your problem Vertigo, and a speedy recovery. :twilightsmile:

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