Updates wut? · 8:05pm Jan 18th, 2019
Hi all,
Been a while. How've you been? Me? Oh, well... where do I start really... this, in many ways is me putting stuff to words, both for myself and for you. I've not written much in a very long time, so forgive me if I'm writing as much for myself as for others right now. If you just want to know about the fic, skip to the break at the bottom.
I'm 37 years old and I'm in heart failure. I have a cardiac ejection fraction of 19%. That means when my heart beats, it only moves 19% of the blood in my left ventricle out to the rest of my body. To put it another way, when my heart beats, it manages a twitch that moves less than a quarter of the blood in the pump out to the body. They base their measurements for the heart off of the LV, or left ventricle. But my heart entire is working like this. I have general heart failure, not just failure of the LV. This is likely genetic or else potentially viral damage. I did not have an ischemic event of the heart. No big flashy dramatic heart attack for me.
In some ways, that's almost worst. I've lived for years with GI issues, as I've mentioned previously, issues that it turns out were secondary effects of a heart worn before its time. I protest, where's the damn warranty on this thing? Sure I'm somewhat overweight, and I am more sedentary than perhaps I should be, but I am neither morbidly corpulent or incapable of activity. What shoddy manufacturer turned out a component that can't stand up to half its expected work cycle before giving out? I want names!
On the bright side, changing my entire life to accommodate the radical changes of heart failure, the medications, the external defibrillator, the proscription against driving myself anywhere has meant that my previous GI issues are pretty much entirely gone. The problems I've struggled with most of my adult life have vanished without a trace! It's like the worst magic trick I've ever heard of, where one way of sucking turns into a completely different method of blowing to a degree where I am not convinced progress towards health has actually been made.
Oh? Right, external defibrillator. It's a neato little fanny pack full of batteries, attached by a wire to a cloth vest I wear containing heart sensors and electrodes. See, when I was hospitalized for being unable to eat for a month after two months of significantly worse GI function, where the lightbulb of 'Oh shit, the heart doesn't work!' finally went off, I managed to have a few V-Tach events. That's ventricular tachycardia. Basically, my heart stumbled in its run and had to run faster to figure out its rhythm for a few steps. V-Tach is bad, like medical tv drama bad. Like, falling on the ground unresponsive bad. And I didn't even feel it. Nurses and techs busting down the door to my room, to the offputting scene of me staring at them quizzically from a hospital bed. Fully conscious, not even registering it. So these events bought me my new constant companion and particularly shitty 'best friend'. The Life Vest (tm). I wear it day and night, everywhere and always, except for when I shower, and I have to tell someone I am showering. Oh, and one of the particularly crappy things my new companion did for me was steal my drivers license.
I can no longer go anywhere on my own. Because, well, would you want a heart patient who might at any moment be knocked unconscious when his heart goes 'fuck this' behind the wheel of a ton of now unguided wheeled projectile at 65 mph? I comprehend the situation. I understand, I really do. But it does, in fact, unarguably suck. So I'm an invalid. I'm incapable of managing my own life in any way shape or form. I have virtually no privacy, and no way to aggressively change that either. It does wonders, wonders, for your self-esteem.
Now I'm on heart medications. To make my heart chill out, to get it to a more sedate pace and then exercise it gently to hopefully nudge it into rebuilding itself and perhaps reclaiming some function. If I don't? Well, I become a cyborg! I'll get my first implant. A neat little metal and plastic ovoid that will become my lifelong companion in place of the external vest. An implanted battery that will shock the shit out of my heart if it ever falters in its flailing twitching spasm to maintain my life.
I'm a week away from the next heart scan. The Echocardiogram to see if my heart has made any progress. If it hasn't then we set up the appointment for said implant. It's a major crossroads between if I get another shot at 'normal' or if I move down the long and twisty path towards a transplant.
Most people who face this particular crossroads are 65-85. I'm doing it at 37. That... well, it sucks. I'm sorry but it does. Every health professional I work with in this is used to dealing with a much older patient, in a completely different life scenario, with a completely different perspective and consideration. They are largely trying to buy 5-10 years most times. I am trying to get a rent to own on 40. My outlook and needs are... different.
So here I sit, trying to make some kind of peace with all this. And it's tough.
*** break ***
For those of you in the TLDR; group mostly interested in Fel Equestria:
Life's being a bit of a shit right now, and while I think about the fic almost every day, the inspiration for writing more of it has taken a back seat to singing the 'Don't Die' song. I hope to get back to it when the singing of the aforementioned isn't such a priority. And should the singing fail to be efficacious, you'll be duly informed at that time.
Thanks 
There are times when saying "Get well soon" just doesn't cut it...
In all seriousness, take as much time as you need.
Don't know what to say, I can't realy know or imagen how you have to feel. If I say anything it will propably mean nothing to you.
All I can do is to say: I hope you will get well soon.
At risk of sounding insincere: oof.
That sucks. I hope your life at least doesn't get worse and gets better eventually. Heart problems are no joke.
Thank you for the well wishes, they are appreciated. I’m sitting in the waiting room, about to go in for my echocardiogram. We’ll see what we see.