Fic Reviews: A Boy's Tears · 1:49am Jan 18th, 2019
Okay, yet another review for you. You know, while back it was popular for Fluttershy to adopt a human and I even reviewed the story I believe started it all, A New Life by APoeticHeart. That fic was good, can we say the same about it's a recursive fic in a way? cracks knuckles Only one way to find out right?
Okay, first off, the pacing is almost non-existent here. Let me tell you what I'm on about eh?
It was a beautiful normal day in Billings, Montana. It was the first of September, and the sun rose up on a bright Monday morning. In a little suburbia known as "Pine Cone homes" there lived a young six year old boy named Colin Fraser, who was fast asleep in his bed in his room, wearing his pajamas. Today was his sixth birthday All of a sudden, something gently shook him
"Colin sweetie, it's time for school." said a very feminine voice. It was Colin's mother, Evelyn Fraser, with her long, beautiful black hair going down her back.
"M- mommy?" said Colin as he woke up.
"Happy birthday, sweetie." said Evelyn
"Thanks. A- am I late?" he began to worry about being late for school
Evelyn giggled and said "Of course not, honey. You might want to get in the shower."
"Okay, mommy." said Colin. He ran into the shower with a clean pair of underwear, and turned the water on. He took his pajamas off and hopped in the bathtub. He began scrubbing his small body with his soap, and then washed his dark brown, yet kind of long hair.
***
Colin rinsed himself off with a towel, and put on his clean pair of new underwear. He got into his drawer, and got himself a light blue shirt, and a small pair of jeans. After he put his clothes on, he went downstairs, with his backpack on his back, and saw his breakfast on the dinner table. It was two eggs, and two bacon strips, in the shape of a smiley face.
"Ah, good morning, Son. Happy birthday" said a very manly voice. It was Benjamin Fraser, Colin's dad. "Did you sleep okay last night?"
"Yes, daddy." said Colin softly. "I slept fine."
Excuse me for the diabetes this story is going to bring on, and not in the good way. It's far too sugary sweet, you know what I mean? After class, for Colin -Most boring name in the world by the way- this happens. House catches fire. Did anyone see that coming for a fic focused on adoption? Raise your hands if you didn't.
"Yes it is." said Colin. Tears came pouring down Jonah's shirt. "Thanks to my birthday, they made a cake for me, and a stupid candle set the house on fire. Thanks to me, I'm all alone."
"Don't say, that." said Jonah. "It was not your fault, I promise." Colin was still crying himself out into Jonah's shoulder. "Look. Can't your older brother help you out?"
"N- no. He's in College, far away from here." Admitted Colin
Jonah looked the other way, trying to think of how to help the poor boy be happy, and make sure that he is safe. "Why don't you stay with me for a little while?" said Jonah
Colin stopped his sobbing for a moment and said "R- really?"
"Of course." said Jonah. "You're more than welcome to live with me."
Colin looked at the burnt house, and saw that the fire was out, but the emotional pain did not stop.
"Okay, the fire's out." said the Firefighter. Jonah gave a sigh of relief, while young Colin however, was still sobbing in his despair and his great loss. Jonah looked at him and it almost felt like his heart is literally breaking.
"Don't worry, Colin. Everything will be okay." said Jonah reassuringly.
"I... I..." Colin couldn't let out his whole sentence, "I...hope so." He finally said
Jonah gave out a sigh and said "I hope so too." He let Colin go from his hug, and said "Let's go."
"W-wait!" said Colin. "I want to see if there is anything that didn't caught on fire."
The firefighter got a look of remembrance. "Oh! I just remembered!" he exclaimed. He pulled out his pocket, and reached out his hand, showing a necklace with a silver locket, which had a picture of his mother on one, and his father on the other. "We also found this." he said. Another fireman came from behind him, and had a white sweater. On the back of it stiched "We Love you, or precious little boy. Mommy and daddy."
Colin felt happy, sad, and relieved all at once. Jonah knelt down, and said "Are you alright, Colin?"
"I- I'm fine, Jonah." Colin lied. He stopped looking at his sweater and said to the fireman "Can I at least see my mommy and daddy?"
"Look, kid, You wouldn't want to see your parents right now. You wouldn't be able to handle the truth." said the Fireman
"He's right, Colin. It would be to sad." Jonah added
Colin covered his eyes with his hands and said "Okay."
"Come on now, we should probably get you to my house." said Jonah
"Alright." said Colin depressed. He, and Jonah made their way to the neighbor's home, and it began to rain, as the two felt drops of water on themselves, and could already hear the sound of thunder.
Wow, what a way to break it to a kid. But about the pacing. See, it goes much too fast for my tastes, ludicrously fast even. I was to this section in less than f a few minutes. Now, I'm a fast reader and all but that's just ridiculous! And then there's the writing style, brutally simplistic. It's even worse than Jay David's style, which is never a compliment from me so take note.
And then we get a youtube video embedded right in the text, very disruptive! Do I not need to say time and time again this is a huge no!
Colin was alone In the forest, outside of the suburbia of "Pine Cone Homes" surrounded by many trees, and heard the sound of pouring rain. He was already tired and had nowhere else to go. He saw the night sky, and thought of his parents again. He sobbed into his legs, as he covered himself with his arms. "I'm sorry, mommy and daddy. I'm so sorry." He said while sobbing. "This was all my fault." He looked back up and looked for any shelter from the falling rain. All of a sudden, he saw a cave and ran towards it. Once inside. It wasn't very cozy, not to mention very warm, but at least he was out of the rain. "Looks like I'll be sleeping here for the night." He said to himself.
After thirty long minutes, he was already fast asleep. All of a sudden, some type of aura moved around him, and it teleported him somewhere else into thin air. He was teleported under a bridge, and a squirrel saw him. The squirrel climbed up and made chittering noises o someone. A gasp filled the silence after the chittering. "Oh my goodness." Said the voice. It was a light yellow Pegasus with a long pink mane and tail, and three butterflies on her flanks. She flew down under the bridge and examined Colin. Oh this poor little thing. I'd better get him inside, stat." Her voice was a very soft one, and a very high one as well, in fact it sounded adorable. She gently picked up Colin and got her inside her house and sat him down on her bed, to keep him out of the rain.
Aside from being dull as all hell, can I just say...
No explanation given! At least APoeticHeart's story had the luxury of saying Luna picked up on the kid's distress and transported him to her dimension which is still all very deus ex machina but that's a different story. This, it just happens for no reason! bangs head This fic is crap, just crap, and to make matters worse it's treading plot threads already done before. Like I said before, there used to be a crapload of fics where Fluttershy adopts a shy young kid and intergrates him into ponyville, sometimes with the kid falling in love with one of the CMC or such.
But how crappy does it get? Well, here's a few excerpts from later chapters.
"She is a very nice horsie." he thought out loud.
He heard Fluttershy coming back upstairs, humming in a beautiful voice. She came into the room with a plate with the sandwich on it. "Here you go." she said. The sandwich looked exquisite.
"Excuse me, Fluttershy, but. I want to ask you something. What are you?" asked Colin with curiosity.
"I'm a pony. A pegasus pony to be exact." Fluttershy answered.
"Ponies? We do have ponies where I come from, but they don't talk and don't have wings." said Colin.
"Really? I didn't know that." said Fluttershy.
"Are there other types of Ponies?" asked the boy
"Oh yes. Pegasus ponies, like me, unicorns, and earth ponies, as in a pony with no horn or wings." Fluttershy answered. "There is another type of pony called an alicorn, a pony with both wings and a horn."
"Wow. That's amazing." said Colin with awe. What type of world is this?"
"This is Equestria. It's where all ponies live. The rulers of Equestria are Princess Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Twilight Sparkle." said Fluttershy. "Now, can you tell me what you are, Colin." she asked him tenderly.
Colin said "ummm... I'm a human."
"A human? What are they like?" Asked Fluttershy in amazement.
"I.... I.... I don't really know." Colin admitted.
"That's okay." Said Fluttershy. "How old are you?"
"I'm six." Colin answered
"Oh my, you are so young." Said Fluttershy. Colin blushed from the comment.
"Are there any humans in Equestria?" Asked Colin
"Well...... Not really. No." Fluttershy answered.
"Oh. I get it." Said Colin a little bum,Ed of hearing that he is the only human in Equestria right now. "I want to say, thank you for saving me. Without you, I don't know what would happen to me you didn't find me." Said Colin
"You are so very welcome, Colin." Said Fluttershy. "you should eat."
Colin nodded his head in agreement and picked up the lettuce and tomato sandwich that Fluttershy made for him. After a few minutes, he was full from the meal, and the boy patted his stomach. "That tastes great." Said Colin. "Thanks for making me this."
"Ah, no need to thank me." Said Fluttershy. "The bread was made in the farmer's market in Ponyville."
"P- Ponyville?" said Colin dumbfounded. "I have never heard of a place like that. What's it like?"
"Oh, Ponyville is a very nice place to be in. All of the ponies are very nice, and very friendly. You know, you should meet my friends." Said Fluttershy.
"I... I don't know about that." Said Colin. "What if everyone doesn't like me?"
"Don't worry, they will like you. Besides, you are sweet, kind, gentle, and adorable." Said Fluttershy cheering Colin up.
Colin however, wasn't very convinced. "Can... Can you please let me stay here with you?" Asked Colon, al,oat in a pleading voice.
"Of course I can." Said Fluttershy. "You are more than welcome to stay here for a along as you want." She looked at her door. "Don't worry, I'll do your c,othes first, and then maybe I can introduce you to my friends. In the meantime, why don't you make yourself at home?"
"O...okay." Said Colon a little nervous.
Fluttershy gave him a warm smile and said "Don't worry, Colin. Everything will be okay." She went outside her door to do Colon's clothes in the washing machine. However, before she could leave, Coli. Stopped her.
"Wait." Said Colin.
"What's the matter, Colin?" Asked Fluttershy with comcern.
"Can I go take a bath, or a shower?" Asked Colin.
"Of course you can. The bathroom is just next to my room." Said Fluttershy warmly. "But I just have a bath tub in there, no shower. So I'm sorry."
"It's okay, I don't mind taking a bath." said Colin
"Good." said Fluttershy The yellow Pegasus went out of the room to fix his clothes up. As for Colin, he went into the bathroom in Fluttershy's cottage, c,owing the bathroom door behind him.
Fic reads like a rough draft, Colin seems to switch between a six year old and a adult's manner of speaking every other second. There's a character type for Colin. Two actually.
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SympatheticSue
This version of Mary Sue is often put into action by authors who think that a character can be made likable by writing them as The Woobie. And then cranking it Up to Eleven. Her life is packed with Deus Angst Machina either in her backstory or in the actual story she is in. She collects tragic events the way normal people collect baseball cards. And she is written with the sole intention of making you feel sorry for her. Like most Mary Sue subtypes, they can be male or female, but generally tends towards the latter since women are perceived to be more sensitive and vulnerable.
Please note that you can create an angsty character who isn't a Mary Sue. Even Wangst can have its place in good fanfiction, if done right. An unhappy history and a gloomy personality aren't the only things that make a Sympathetic Sue. The problem with this brand of Sue starts when the writer confuses a horribly traumatic backstory for a genuine character flaw, and only gets worse.
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BlackHoleSue
The Black Hole Sue: Her gravity is so great, she draws all the attention and causes other characters (and, often, reality itself) to bend and contort in order to accommodate her. Characters don't act naturally around her. They instead serve as plot enablers for her, with dialogue that only acts as set-ups for her response. She dominates every scene she is in, with most scenes without her serving only to give the characters a chance to "talk freely" about her. Most people don't oppose her and anybody who does will either realize their fault in doing so or just prove easy to overcome.
If you don't know why I'm calling this crappy excuse for a character a Black Hole Sue, let me refer you to this chapter, chapter 5.
"SURPRISE!!!" shouted many voices. Colin made a small yelp and took aback, falling on the ground. It was Twilight and the rest of Fluttershy's friends, along with the Ponyville residents, Spike, and the two princess' with another allicorn that was smaller than the two, and the crusaders. Party music began to play right after they said, along with Fluttershy "Happy birthday, Colin!" It wasn't techno, but upbeat jazz with saxophones playing, and some trumpets as well.
"Wha... what is all this?" asked Colin with awe.
Pinkie rushed up to him in the speed of light and said "Well we decided to throw you a happy birthday party! Literally and figuratively!"
"Yeah!" said Rainbow Dash, who flew up to the group and landed. She knelt down and said with sympathy "Listen kid, we're sorry if your birthday didn't go so well, so we decided to give you a much better after Birthday party."
"Really?" said Colin with joy
"Of course, darling." said Rarity. "We want you to be happy, and give you a very delightful time."
"And help you get to know some other residents in Ponyville too." added Applejack.
A handsome looking stallion, and the second smallest allicorn walked up to him with smiles on their faces.
"Colin, I would you to meet my older brother, Shining Armor." said Twilight
"Hey." said the stallion kindly
"Hello." said Colin timidly.
"This is Princess Cadence."
"Hi there." said the pink allicorn, also in a kind voice
"Twili told us about what happened, and... We're so sorry about what happened." said Shining, as he gently placed his gigantic hoof on Colin's back. "What happened to them was not your fault. You know that, do you?"
"Yeah, I do" said Colin
"And Twilight also told us that you were worried about how every pony would treat you, because you are the only human here." Said Cadence.
"You shouldn't think that every pony would hate you because you're not a pony. They will like you. I promise." Said Shining Armor. "And if anypony gives you a hard time," In a playfully tough voice he said "I will teach them a lesson for you."
Colin laughed at his response and said "you're right. Who am I kidding?"
"At a boy, Colin." Said Shining, giving Colin a gentle pat on his back.
"I really hope you have a wonderful time here." Said Cadence.
"If you need anything from me or my wife, come find me, okay little buddy?" Said the unicorn stallion.
"I will." Replied Colin.
"Happy birthday." said the married couple in unison, and they went off to enjoy the party, and Celestia and Luna came to him.
"Hello, Colin." said Celestia and Luna in unison with their usual motherly voices. "Happy birthday." they added.
WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD THE BLOODY PRINCESSES BE THERE? I mean, don't they have more important things to do, like ruling a... I don't know country?
Between the dull prose, the horrible pacing and the sympathy stu to end all sympathy stus... There's only one rating I can give this.
2/10.
I always love it when you tear a new hole in these stories. They look bad on their own, but their quotes make it look even worse. Being generic is never a good idea.
How do these fics get so many upvotes?
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Hell if I know. That's a mystery I'd love to solve for myself.
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...Probably going to have to reevaluate my opinion of APoeticHeart's story now as well...
Also, it turns Fluttershy, Best Pony, into an exposition machine. "This is how this happens." "There are three types of ponies, no, four." "I feel so sorry for you, Colin." No. Just no.
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This, just all of this. Or as Linkara put it...
To quote Kotaro... Unforgiveable!!!
And now knowing of these tropes, makes me wonder if I wrote Comet like that in The Rainbow and The Comet.
Don't mind me, I'm just going through some of your old reviews.
I found APoeticHeart's story pretty saccharine, and was turned off of it, but looking into this story, this is just a whole new level of turn-off.
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Yeeeeeeah, it can be a little too saccharine with the beloved benefit of hindsight. And this isn't the worst these types of stories can get, believe you me.